There’s this huge mistake some guys make when they want to turn a girl on. It guarantess that the woman will not sleep with them. Dr. Robert Glover discusses how to avoid that plus how to turn a girl on using masculine-feminine polarity (a method that will turn her on enough to get her to sleep with you if done right!)
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TURN A GIRL ON
Robert: I don’t believe it’s that hard to get women in bed. And I found that out without ever trying to get a woman into bed. So that’s what made me realize it’s not that hard. And, yeah, I’m in favor of anything that helps men have sensual opportunity.
I think that’s great. But here’s the same problem.. Let’s move it to sex. If you’re still a nice guy, that means you’re still a pleaser. You’re still seeking external validation. You’re still trying to get approval, which all of those things raise your anxiety up.
And, how well do anxiety and erections play together? Not very well.
For example, if you’re trying to please the woman and still seeking validation, if you want to be, you know, this great lay so she wants to come back and be with you again, you’re probably doing the very things that lead to having problems getting erections, premature ejaculation, maybe even not being able to ejaculate.
And if you’re trying to please her, believe it or not, women get bored with that.
And the primary reason is we guys, even though we may have limitations, we’re not dumb. Right? If we do something that seems to work, we’re going to go back to that well over and over again. We’re going to keep doing what works. Right?
Josiah: Exactly. There’s that old saying, if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it. Right?
Robert: Well, don’t fix it. So let’s apply that to sex and let’s see how that works. So, you know, you do get a woman in bed with you. If you’re still trying to please, still trying to get validation, still trying to get her to like you and want to get naked with you again, what happens is you do a few things and it kind of worked.
Now you’re all “Great. I found out what works!” And then the next time, if there’s a next time you get with her, guess what? You do that again because it worked last time and maybe it works again. But let’s say you get a third opportunity and you try it again and all of a sudden it doesn’t work.
All of a sudden.. she’s real bored. And all of a sudden she gets up, puts her clothes on and leaves. And all of a sudden she never calls you back again. Then you think, “Oh, she found out that I am a loser. I knew that was only a matter of time.. She’d see through it.“
No, that’s not what happened. You bored her, right? That’s the thing about the feminine. The feminine, as I said, is everything is not nailed down. Its the weather, its the sea, its the cosmos, its change, it’s changing the color of their fingernails regularly.
Changing what they wear. You know, we guys, we can get up and wear the same shirt every day for a week. And we think that looks great. I don’t know any woman on the planet that can wear the same outfit, you know, once or twice in the same month.
Right? They just don’t do it, right?
So going back, for women, what’s working right now sensually in this moment is going to quit working in seven seconds. But we think, “Well, that’s what’s supposed to work!” So we keep going back to that because we’re trying to please them.
We’re trying to make it work rather than just being yourself, enjoying her body, enjoying her enjoying your body, giving, taking, receiving, playing, having fantasy. Because we’re too focued on trying to get it right, because we want her to keep liking us to keep getting naked, we end up boring her and she quits calling us back.
So anything that we do that’s trying to get approval, validation, hide anything about us.. Trying to get them to like us, trying to get them and get them naked.. Will, if not right now, soon work against us.
And believe me, I know that, as I said, I was a nice guy for over half my life. I’ve been a Marriage Therapist for over 30 years. I have been a dating coach for 13 years, and I’ve listened to countless women talk about what frustrates them with men.
And in the bottom line is they don’t trust us. You don’t trust us because we’re seeking their approval and trying to please them and make them happy. They can see it, they know it, and they go, “I know I can’t trust that guy. I don’t know who he really is because he never shows me the real him.”
Matt: Kind of goes back to what you said about edge. I think, because nice guys like hide that edge, you know, they just try to be nice and good and do everything right. And I think part of it is women know that that’s dishonest.
They know everybody and nobody’s that good. Nobody’s that nice.
Robert: Reverse it. Let’s say we’re out there socially and a woman starts being really nice to us.
You know, she she smiles at us a lot. She maybe touches our arm. She laughs at our jokes. She she offers to do something for us.. what are we going to think?
We’re going to think “I’ve died and gone to heaven.” “This woman likes me. She’s into me!” You know, and we’re going to respond to that woman being nice to us because that feels good to our male brain and male nervous systems.
It’s just the opposite on the feminine nervous system.
The feminine is the personification of drama. Now, they do want the strength of the masculine that both creates polarity and safety by creating safe, strong containers.
But that’s not the same as trying to please them. As soon as we try to please them, they’re disappointed. And my second wife used to tell me, “How do I know you could never stand up for me if you can’t even stand up to me?”
She could tell when I was scared of her getting angry and upset.
Most guys would always get a little anxious and say to women that look upset “What’s wrong, what’s wrong?”
One women put it bluntly and quite accurately: “Listen, there’s only room for one girl in this relationship, and that’s me. You know, this is man up. It’s not about you. I can be in a bad mood.. I have a bad day and be in a bad mood and you don’t have to fix it.”
So, yeah, that that me wanting everything to be smooth and calm, that goes against the feminine.
Matt: What about happy wife, happy life?
Robert: Well, you know, that’s such a catchphrase nowadays. There is truth to it. I don’t know of any man on the planet that would say “I prefer it when my wife is irritated, in a bad mood and pissed off.” None of us would say that. The truth is, we like the woman in our life to to be happy.
I tell my wife that at times when she goes around finding reasons, creating reasons and ruminating about them to feel bad. I’ll just have kind of, you know, a to heart-to-heart talk and I say “Look around you. You have an amazing life. You know, you came out of poverty, you came out of nothing. Look around you. We have a beautiful home..”
“We have nice cars. Your kids are in a private school. We fly first class. I treat you well. I’m honest with you. You know, everything’s good.” And then I say: “Why are you looking for sh*t to feel bad about?!“
But that’s the feminine right? Now, the masculine in me doesn’t like that. I think I’ve done everything right, I’ve provided everything that she could possibly want. And her brain still goes and looks for things to be upset about.
It is just the way that it is, and that part of me, that which does love a drama free life.. It ain’t going to happen, it’s never going to happen. But that doesn’t keep the guy in me from not wishing that it was a little bit less dramatic from time to time.
Josiah: Yeah, when stuff like that comes up for me in my relationship, I basically just tell my girlfriend, “Look, is this the time that you just need to vent or is there something you’d like me to help you with to solve a problem?“
Because as men, we’re natural fixers. You want to fix the problem because we don’t really like dealing with that emotional stress. If it gives you emotional stress = let’s go fix the problem.
But for women, that’s often not the case. It’s usually just a matter of something that came up or something they want to vent about.
And so I’m just clear. I’m just clear about that whole situation. “Hey, look, do you need to vent right now? Do you want me to just listen? Because I can do that. Or, do you want me to break down what went wrong and how you can fix it going on in the future?” And they have that choice.
Robert: It’ll keep both of you from getting pissed off. That’s actually a really good strategy. And I’ll add to that. If she just wants to vent, you know, “I just want to complain or I just want to be upset, OK?” And then you ask them “Do you want me to be your boyfriend or your girlfriend?”
They reply: “Oh, course I want you to be your boyfriend. I want you to be my boyfriend.” I say, OK, great. I’m here to listen. Give me the guy version.
And I’ve never had a woman asked me, “What do you mean by that?”
They get it. They know the girl version is to go into every little detail. “And I know why she did that. She did that because she’s so friggin insecure and she just needs attention all the time. And so when this is going on, she just had to do that. And she’s always such a b*tch about it.”
And and we’re going, “No, I don’t need all that.” Just give me the guy version.
“My coworker pissed me off because she’s a b*tch.”
I go, “OK, great. That’s all I really needed to know. I’m here for you,”
Even coached them on how to give you the guy version of that, because one of the premises I learned quite some time ago is that there’s a direct inverse relationship to the amount of time a man spends listening to a woman talk about her problems and the likelihood she’s going to have sex with them anytime soon.
When women start going into all their depths of problems. And, you know, I’m a therapist, but I don’t play therapist with my wife. I don’t play therapist with the women in my life.
So if they start digging into all their problems and you sit and listen and reflect back and do all that stuff that, you know, John Gottman and Harbel Hendrix tells us that we’re supposed to be doing with women and give all that back, you become their f*cking girlfriend.
And most women don’t want to get naked with their girlfriend, you know? There has to be an energetic distinction between you and them.
Josiah: I could not agree more with that statement. The more you try to try to help them with their problems, even in a long term relationship, you have to cut it off at some point.
You’re not her therapist. You’re not her girlfriend. You’re her lover, husband, her boyfriend. And that’s definitely not a path you want to go down. Take it from three guys with lots of experience.
Robert: You don’t have to listen to women go on and on and on. Well, just another little trick of this. Again, these aren’t techniques, but they help keep you conscious of what it means to show up, kind of in this masculine polarity with the feminine. The woman that I mentioned, I dated for a while that said, “There’s only room for one girl in this relationship. That’s me. Man up.”
There was this one date, she had just come in from work and started complaining. Complaining about customers, complaining about coworkers, complaining about her boss, often complaining about her mother, who she’d had a phone conversation with that day.
I took out my phone, opened up the timer, set a timer for five minutes, put it on the bar and said, “We’re on a date. I know you just got off work. You got five minutes of my undivided attention. My attention is not on the ball game, not on the bartender. It’s on you for five minutes. Give it all to me. Unload it all.”
And and she used to be done in two or three minutes. She couldn’t go five minutes and then she’d get done, she’d get it out and then she would thank me. “Thank you. I didn’t want to be in a bad mood all night either.”
And so that’s still just that masculine leadership of creating that container and providing that loving leadership to to let them be feminine. But not do it in a way that the feminine noise starts taking over everything.
Matt: I love that because you’re putting a boundary on it. And most guys wouldn’t do that. They would just think, “Oh, this is great. She’s opening up to me. I’ve got to keep listening and this date’s going great because she’s speaking 80% of the time.”
But really, he’s not having a good time. I mean what kind of date is that? And really she’s looking at him as like a girlfriend just venting to her.
Josiah: Your job as the man is to be the leader. And sometimes being a leader means that you need to make tough decisions like cutting her off from her nonsense. And at first it might seem like, “Oh, no, she’s going to freak out.” But once you figure it out and do it a few times that, “Oh, actually, she respects me more.”
Afterwards and things get better when she realizes, “Oh, she can trust me to at least not BS her..” like all her girlfriends do, because, you know, as women, they’re more or less raised to give yes type of answers.
Robert: They all sit and listen to each other because they all have this trade off. They have an unspoken trade off.
I’m going to listen to you talk about your BS stories for thirty minutes and then you have to listen to me talk about my BS stories for thirty minutes. They know the rules of that game. We guys don’t. We’ve never been inserted into their world. We didn’t go to girls school.
We think if we listen to their BS stories for thirty minutes, we’re going to get laid. But that’s not how the system works. That’s not what it’s all about.
And you know, and I want to I want to say, you know, when we talk about masculine, feminine, we’re not talking about “this is what guys do and this is what girls do.”
And when I talk about leadership, it’s not talking about control or trying to get your way. Its really about giving the situation the greatest possibility for a chance to be, to be a gift, to be enjoyable for everybody involved.
I’ve been doing my nice guy recovery in the past, and salsa was a great place to keep doing nice guy recovery because the teachers, including female teachers, kept saying, “Robert, be more definitive with your leadership. Let your partner know where you’re going.”
And women gave me that feedback, they go. “You got to be clear, man. You got to be bolder. You’ve got to be more assertive.”
And I had in Seattle, a Chinese salsa teacher, Jim Chow, and he’d interrupt like every class and say “Lead!” That’s usually the men.
“Lead! You got to be thinking ahead, where are you going next in this dance? Because if you don’t think ahead, you’re going to do a move and you’re just going to repeat the same move again and do the same move again and the women are going to get bored and go find someone else to dance with.”
Now, I don’t know about the rest of the world, but up in the Seattle area, they call that the white guy shuffle. Its where you just keep kind of doing the same thing over and over again, you know, because we’re too afraid to venture out and lead.
Now, so, you know, bring your moves, spin them, set the tone and lead, have an adventure, let go of control, but lead.
Matt: That makes perfect sense. And to me, it sounds like the way you’re describing femininity is like very flowing and a lot of change. A dynamic situation. Drama, ups and downs, kind of like a roller coaster.
Robert: The feminine in us likes all that as well. The masculine is more the constant. It’s the steady unchanging. The feminine is everything that’s not nailed down and its everything moving.
We all have feminine and masculine sides to us. Nowadays, most women that we’re going to meet are strong women. And we men, we also have a feminine side to use that we shouldn’t be ashamed of.
Just because a woman is strong doesn’t mean she wants to make all the decisions and be in control.
They want to be able to relax. And the feminine wants to be able to relax in to the strength and the consistency in the container of the masculine.
And again, I’m making generalizations because this changes, especially in feminine creatures are such an ebb and flow to it. If we guys will recognize that, we don’t need to control that ebb and flow, we just need to help create a container in which it can ebb and flow.
Lead. Not in a controlling asshole kind of way. Create the structure and order that lets the feminine get spun and feel beautiful and want to get naked.