Dr. Robert Glover explains the best way to recover fast from a rejection with just ONE easy step!
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HOW TO RECOVER FAST FROM A REJECTION w/ Dr. Robert Glover
Matt: What are your thoughts on handling rejection? What’s your best way to recover fast from a rejection?
I’ve heard you speak of this before in other podcasts. Nice guys tend to not even talk to girls because they don’t want to get rejected. And maybe it’s even beyond nice guys, just people in general. I mean, nobody likes getting rejected when it comes to dating or whether it comes to going for anything. But of course, it’s necessary. I mean, you know to get anything in life.
Robert: You have to take risks.
Matt: You have to go for it. You’re not going to get everything that you go for, but you learn from it. You try again. What are your thoughts when it comes to women and dating?
Robert: Yeah, I like the question. When I started dating, I’m like everybody else. I don’t want to get rejected.
But when I started what I call “conscious dating”, it was such a powerful personal growth machine for me. And one of the things I quickly learned is
that basically that rejection does not exist in the way that we usually think of it.
To take it to the next step in how we typically think of it, rejection doesn’t hurt. Now, we think it does. But and so I break this down for men, because every time I say this to a guy, you know, guys are ready to fight me. “No, of course, rejection hurts. It hurts like hell.” And I even early on in my dating programs, wouldn’t let the guys use the “R” word. And that’s one reason why I’ve even reframed it in all of my teaching and writing as to “low interest”, I never use the word rejection other than talking about it.
Its what our brain does with somebody with perceived low interest interacting with us, because that’s all it is. People either have a high interest in interacting with us or they don’t.
So what we do with that, if something about that matches an internalized self belief that I have, that I’m not good enough, I’m unlovable. People can see that. I better be going back to what we talked about from the very beginning. If people find out that I’m not good enough, that’s going to hurt because it does hurt to not feel good enough. Right? But every belief we have that we’re not good enough that is actually an inaccurately internalized belief based on life experiences that had nothing to do with us.
Children and babies are narcissistic by nature, every painful experience we have, we believe that’s because of us. Where there’s something wrong with us. That’s why this painful thing is happening, its not accurate. But we all do it.
Now, when we get out there and we get in the dating world and we get attached to outcome, which Buddha says is the cause of all suffering, I also say it’s the cause of all anxiety and the cause of all non-action. What’s the best way to recover fast from a rejection? Let go of the attachment to outcome.
As you mentioned, if we don’t want to get rejected, we don’t do anything. So if I have an anxiety that if I talk to this woman, there’s going to be a negative outcome to it, that’s going to drive up my anxiety and probably make me do nothing or whatever I do, I’ll do it and I’ll probably bumble my way through it. I’ll do it really awkwardly.
So this anxiety, this fear of getting rejected works against us.
I have examples I use to try to help guys overcome this idea that rejection hurts.
REJECTION WORKSHOP – PARTNER A & B
Robert: One of the best ways to recover fast from a rejection, or actually – remove your fear of rejection.. I get that from doing a workshop. I’ll get the guys all to stand up and they all pair up and I give them an assignment and I say “You guys decide who’s partner A, who’s partner B”
And I said, time, you guys, and for two minutes, partner A is going to keep repeating to partner B over and over again “I want I want to be happy and I want a new car. I want a big dick. I want a beautiful girlfriend, I want world peace, or whatever it is they want in life.” And partner B, has to keep saying “no” to them over and over and over again. Everything they say they want, they’ve got to say no.
They do that for two minutes and then I switch them and then they just trade roles with each other. Now, after they’ve each done this for two minutes and I’m calling time, it’s time to stop now.
They’re laughing and they’re carrying on and they’re having a good time. Now, there’s a lot of applications I make of this whole assignment, but one of them is I’ll say, “OK, you guys seem to really enjoy that.” and they say “Oh, yeah, that was fun.”
And I go, “You guys just spent two straight minutes getting constantly rejected. Constantly. You got told no to everything you wanted for two minutes, thats rejection.” I go, “But you were laughing, you were enjoying, you were having fun. It didn’t hurt you. Look, everyone still in one piece”
Then I’ll ask them: “What is the difference? You know, but you’re afraid of a woman telling you. What’s the difference?”
The only difference is context and internalized belief. Context is, “Oh, I don’t want to get rejected by this woman because I want a girlfriend and I want to get laid and I want her. She’s pretty.” That’s the context, and the self limiting belief is “If she doesn’t want me, I’m worthless and every other woman is going to see me in the same
way”. The “NO” is not what hurts. Its the story we make up about the “no” and story is all context.
There was no story in that little interaction in the group. And that’s why there’s no pain. So it’s not the rejection that hurts, it’s the story. We’ve got to start learning to watch our stories.
LEARN TO LOVE REJECTION
Robert: Another best way to recover fast from a rejection – there’s this thing I’ll do with guys. I’ll suggest they go out with a buddy and go out in the night and try to get three to five rejections in a night. But don’t be rude. Don’t go up and piss a woman off, just approach a woman with your phone out and say, “Hey, you know, I’m Robert. I saw you standing here. Can I get your number because I’m going to call you up later this week and I’m going to take you out for coffee.”
Just do something that requires a yes or no answer from them in a bold way. And you do that and your goal is to get rejected. Your goal is to get five of those in one night. Get five women to tell you no to your request to get a number.
Now, it’s still scary to go do that. Especially for the first time. There’s a lot of anxiety. And so you go do it and and maybe get a no or maybe you get a nice conversation
out of it. And then you’re kind of excited. So you go do it again. Next, you’re already doing a happy dance after each rejection because (1) you faced your fear, and (2) you took away this thing – “I don’t want to get rejected.” So there’s no anxiety in going to get rejected.
If you succeed, great. If you don’t succeed, even better, you have a nice conversation or get a phone number. I’ve gone out in nights trying to get five rejections and I couldn’t get five women to reject me. I even picked the women I saw were least likely to give me a phone number and I got their numbers.
Why is that? Well, part of the reason for that is if you’re not giving a F about being rejected, you’re going to be bold. And boldness and confidence is the number one aphrodisiac for women. And if nothing else, you have some interesting conversations you never would have had if you were so afraid of getting rejected that you never approached.
Matt: Yeah we do a very similar exercise on our advanced bootcamps.
Robert: It’s powerful, right?
Matt: Yeah, they give us one hundred bucks in tens or twenties, and every time they get rejected, they get some of their money back. They love it and end up loving rejection. And they have the same kind of epiphanies like – “Wow, it’s really hard to get rejected”
Robert: And it didn’t hurt. And I have found that men that will go out and do that, it blasts away their fear of rejection forever. Then you can talk with anybody because you’ve already gotten over the story. You’ve quit telling yourself the story.
So those those are the two most powerful ways. I got some other illustrations on the best way to recover fast from a rejection too, but those are the two that work best.
LET GO OF THE “STORY” THAT YOU’RE NOT GOOD ENOUGH
Robert: It’s the story. We got to get past the story we tell ourselves.
Matt: Yeah. It’s like they’re just taking it personally. And when, really the story is.. She’s in a hurry or the story is she has a boyfriend, she’s happy in her relationship and her boyfriend is right across the street.
Robert: Could be. yeah.
Matt: That’s the story. But we tell ourselves another story. “I’m not good enough.” “I’m a piece of crap.” “A woman like that would never like me.” And if we only knew, you know, but every time we’re going to put a story on it anyway, might as well put a story that serves us.
Robert: Yeah. And why not avoid stories altogether? Because even the story of “she’s hot,” for example, “she must be great in bed” or “she’s hot”. Just go talk to people, talk to everybody. And if somebody you’re talking to really is interesting and you think, “yeah, and I like how they look” these things about them and they seem to like those things about you then go with that, man. Go with it.
But now our stories don’t serve us. All they do is cause us a lot of pain. So learn to let go of any story that you’re not even sure is true. That’s why we always tell guys “Do NOT overthink.” Having a story for each interaction in your head is one example of that.