The reason why nice guys finish last has always been argued. It is especially relevant as it ever was today, when most men are absolutely confused as to how to attract women (and even just have a decent interaction with them!)
Today’s advice comes straight from Dr. Robert Glover himself, author of one of my most recommended books “No More Mr. Nice Guy.”
If you haven’t read the book, you absolutely need to. And I would easily say 90 to 95 percent of our clients who come to us that are unsuccessful with wome, I would definitely classify as “nice guys.”
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WHY NICE GUYS FINISH LAST
Nice Guys need to learn the hard way – from experience
Josiah: I see some of the irony that you started off your dating life as a “therapist for the women” got a real degree as a therapist, and then wrote a book about how to NOT be a therapist to women.
Robert: There you go. you you’re good with the irony of things.
Josiah: Hey man, it’s actually how it all ends up turning out most of the time, though.
Robert: For most of us, Yeah. And I often tell people that, I write and teach whatever I’ve struggled with, whatever I bumbled my way through. Degrees are irrelevant its really what have you what have you learned in the process and what have you applied, and how it changes things.
Josiah: Nothing better than life experience to teach you real lessons. And sometimes they come really hard, but you’ve got to learn it that way sometimes.
Robert: The best ones often come pretty hard and hopefully you just treat them that way. They’re lessons. That’s all it is. We’re all, you know, we’re all just out there learning.
Nice guys ALWAYS want things to be perfect with women (It NEVER is)
Robert: And I know so many guys I work with and maybe you guys find that, too. They want to get everything perfect.
You know, they want to have the perfect pickup line. They want everything to go perfectly – perfect opener, perfect texts, perfect date, perfect kiss, perfect smile, blah, blah, blah.
That’s not how life works and especially not how things work with women. Nothing ever goes perfect with women. That’s just the nature of the beast. But nice guys want to get it perfect.
I try to give guys permission. Bumble your way through. It’s OK to make mistakes, to look foolish. It’s OK to crash and burn. Just get up, get up and do it again and learn something each time.
What is a “Nice Guy”
(..and why you shouldn’t be one)
Matt: So Robert, for guys reading this, what exactly is a nice guy for you? I mean, it sounds like it’s a good thing. Why is it not such a good thing, especially if you’re a single guy? What are the characteristics and why is it a problem?
Robert: Whether you’re single guy or in relationship, it can be a problem. So my definition of a nice guy is a guy who at an early age, internalized inaccurately the belief that there’s something wrong with him and that he’s got to hide certain things about him from the world.
That’s so he doesn’t get a negative reaction.. and he’ll try to become what he thinks other people want him to be to get love and get his needs met, which, of course, later in life, one of those needs is being sexual.
And and so the nice guy is a chameleon. He’s out there trying to please people looking for external validation and hiding all those things about himself that, again, might get a negative reaction.
And in most cases, the two things that nice guys hide the most are their needs and wants and their sexuality. Try attracting a woman, hiding your needs and wants and your sexuality. It doesn’t work.
So what happens?
What most guys then do is resort to what I call nice guy seduction; because they don’t believe a woman would be attracted to them and want to be with them just the way they are because of their internalized beliefs. That “I’m not good enough!”.. They have to seduce using nice guy tendencies.
Something along the lines of – be really nice and sweet, and not be like the jerks they’ve heard women complain about. Hide their sexual agenda. This is really most of what nice guys do, and it is ironically ineffective.
The think like this: “I know I want a woman to like me and maybe one day get naked with me. So I’ll hide the fact from her that I have any sexual desire for her, you know, because that’ll make me a bad guy and that’ll make the woman not want to be with me.”
So nice guys listen to the woman talk, they try to help her solve her problems, they pay her car payment. Help her sister move.
They’re going to become what I call a “girlfriend with a p***s” or typically is as we would hear it.. end up in the FRIEND ZONE.
And, you know, and if they ever do get the nerve up to ask the woman out, she gets surprised: “What? No, you’re my friend. I had never even thought of you that way.”
And the woman’s telling the truth because the guy has hidden so many parts of himself and tried so hard to please the woman by trying to do the things he thinks that he’s come to believe will make a woman interested in him, usually by being different than the bad men he’s heard his mother or other women complain about, and so he has no life energy,
Why Nice Guys don’t attract the women they like
Robert: So a nice guy. there’s nothing inherent about him that will just attract the feminine, that will create polarity, that will draw to him what he wants.
So he has to go and try to make it happen. And and then typically, when that doesn’t work well and if he’s lonely enough and they’ll go online and start finding, you know, the pickup related stuff.
So he thinks: “I’ll just find a few tricks, some hypnosis.. This will get women to to want to be with me.“
Then they become what I call “geeks with techniques” – is “I’ll do this and women will want to be with me.. I’ll do this and I’ll do this.“
But he’s still not being himself. There’s no him there in that.
And so for me, the most fundamental thing I believe men can do to be attractive to all things feminine, whether that’s opportunity, adventure, money, women, dogs, cats, babies, whatever is to to to be yourself.
What women want (How to be TRULY yourself)
Robert: And as I was sharing earlier, to get comfortable in your own skin, to live life on your terms, to become a social animal, to get out there and just start living a big life and living that big life is amazingly attractive to everything that’s not nailed down.
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Matt: That’s all for now, man. I absolutely recommend reading No More Mr. Nice Guy if you haven’t yet. And if you found this content absolutely valuable, share it with your fellow men who you think suffer from the “Nice Guy” syndrome. We’re here to help you guys become the best versions of yourself – and being a nice guy, that’s not you who you really are, man!
Keep up the great work and stay awesome!