What do I say ?!?
This is the most common question men ask when approaching women. Too many guys get so caught up in their heads and take themselves out of the moment. They’re stuck thinking of what to say opposed to saying what they think.
There’s good news! The secret is…… what you say to start a conversation doesn’t really matter. Communication is 55% visual (body language, eye contact), 38% is vocal (pitch, speed, volume, tone of voice) and only a mere 7% involves the actual words you use.
Even though what you say doesn’t necessarily matter that much, you can’t just approach and stare at her. You have to say something. To keep the conversation going in the direction you want, there are a few key things to know:
Approaching
Before we cover what to say, realize most girls make an assessment about you before you even open your mouth. By coming in “weak” you are fighting an uphill battle. What you do on the approach sets the tone for the interaction. The stronger your approach, the better the interaction will be. To start off on a good foot, here are 5 tips to keep in mind:
Opening and Starting the Conversation
Great! Unlike most men, you had the balls to go up to the attractive girl you admired from across the way. Now that you are right in front of her, there are a few common types of openers you can use to start the conversation: direct, indirect and situational.
Direct openers show your interest for the girl right away. For example, you could walk up to and tell her you thought she looked really cute and had to say hello.
Indirect openers gets the conversation started without you immediately demonstrating your interest for her. An example would be asking her opinion about something.
Situational openers comment on an event happening around you or talking about the environment, etc.
Now, the purpose of an opener is to simply break the ice and get the conversation going so don’t over think it or try to make it perfect.
For most guys, not knowing what to say is paralyzing so as training wheels, think of a few default openers you could use if you mind goes blank.
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Keeping the Conversation Going
Great! You didn’t hesitate to approach the girl, you caught her interest but now she is looking up at you with a smile on your face wondering what’s next. As guys, we must assume the burden of moving the conversation forward. At this point, most guys freeze up not knowing how to continue and fall in the trap of asking questions; the dreaded interview mode. Next time you feel like asking a question, turn it into a statement. Statements produce the same result, getting the girl to contribute to the conversation, but from two different frame points. One is adding value to the conversation, the other is taking it.
Watch this to get a better idea of the power of statements over questions.
Once you’re on a great topic, most guy just move onto the next one. NOOOOOO! That’s like skipping a rock across the water just jumping from surface level topics to the next. For girls to get a sense of, “I know this guy” and develop a connection you have to let that rock sink and go deeper.
Next time you’re out, try keeping it in the “pot” and see what conversational threads you can create from it. If she says she does yoga, don’t move onto the next topic. LISTEN to her response and have a conversation, share an experience or at least make a statement about yoga. It can even be as simple as, “oh I never tried yoga before.” This allows her to add to the topic and gives you more to work with. As you keep stirring the pot, more topics will come up adding to the ingredients of the conversation.
Being a Challenge
Now throughout the conversation, there is a key mindset to have that makes the conversation a success. Most guys are thinking, “What can I do to get this girl to like me?” Instead, tell yourself, “This girl is cute but DO I LIKE HER.” From this frame of mind you: take her off her pedestal; are actually challenging her; and are getting her to chase YOU. Nobody appreciates what is given to them too easily. Here’s an example of the mindset to have:
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Qualification
This is one of the most overlooked and misunderstood aspects of attracting women. Now that you have the right mindset of being a challenge, qualification is the tool you use to get a girl to invest and chase you.
There are two ways to look at qualification:
Qualification (noun): Your ideal image, behaviors, and characteristics of the type of woman and relationship you want.
Qualification (verb): Screening the woman to see if she fits your criteria.
Let me ask you, do you know EXACTLY what you want in a girl? If you do, that’s great! If you don’t, now is the perfect place to start. Write down five non-physical traits (values, behaviors, etc.) of your ideal woman and five traits that are total turn offs for you.
Did you write it down? I’ll wait…..
Now that you have that list, qualifying (in the verb sense) would be determining if the girl has the qualities you’re looking for. The reason this is so important is because it conveys that you don’t just settle for whatever girl you can get, but instead CHOOSE the girl you want. It shows you have standards and other options. All of which are attractive to a woman.
Also, qualification gives women what they seek most. VALIDATION. By sticking around after she met your standards, she knows the attraction goes beyond skin deep and most importantly WHY. Have a moment of vulnerability and tell a girl one thing you like about her (once she earned it).
Qualification is too big of a topic to cover in this article so here’s a quick video to start get you started:
Enjoy the Process
Lastly, enjoy the process. Talking to beautiful women is fun! Don’t it that by putting too much pressure on yourself. Just by taking action you are already succeeding. Take pride in the fact you are going after what you want and let that be the number one criteria for a successful approach. Here’s why it’s so important to enjoy what you’re doing above all else:
Bonus: Common Mistakes
Giving versus Taking Value
Often when a guy runs out of things to say he will fall into the trap of interview mode.
Opposed to bringing something to the table, most guys walk up to the girl and ask questions in absence of anything interesting to say. With question after question you are communicating to the girl, “I didn’t bring any interesting conversation, can you please provide some for me.”
Being Monotone
Most guys talk in a single frequency never adding any emotion to their conversation. Guys tend to be more logical/fact based while girls tend to be more emotional. In order to “speak their language” you have to inject your conversations with a wider range of emotions. Here’s a great example of the difference:
Great! Like many who read this post you are an action taker ready for the next level. Whether you are looking to develop an attractive lifestyle, pimp it in your city or realize self actualization, learning will only get you so far.
To really internalize a skill, you have to implement what you learned. Approaching everyday is a good start. Going out with a coach that helped over 5,000 men achieve success and who can do the same for you is even better.
I want you to imagine what the next year will be like if you don’t take action……. Now visualize what it would be like if you take action every single day for the next 365. The friends you’ll make, the confidence you’ll build, the plethora of high quality people in your life and of course the choice of women you’ll be surrounded by.
If you’re serious about getting good fast, register for a bootcamp. Spots fill up fast so if the one you want is already full, register for the next one or try again in the future.