The newest topic on our list: How to stop being insecure!
Insecurity is flat-out unattractive and quickly pushes people away from you without you even realizing it. But, insecurity is just a feeling, not a fact. The truth is; you can work on things you are insecure about, even the things you can’t change, and become confident in yourself and in this video I will show you how:
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How To Stop Being Insecure
This won’t be your typical video on this topic saying just believe yourself, give yourself a hug and a pat on the back. Because…
Often times insecurity, is deeper than that and stems from identity, your identify as being shy, or bad with girls, or you have a core belief that women only like tall, buff, rich guys and anything that disproves or goes against that core belief threatens your identity.
So you need to train your mind to stop viewing yourself as “this is who I am” and start seeing yourself as a more fluid concept, someone whose beliefs are constantly evolving and changing. And instead of trying to prove yourself right all the time, “yep another tall buff rich guy with a hot girl” try to prove yourself wrong. In fact, I want you to try and disprove your own identity, well at least the things that are making you feel insecure.
Now you might be wondering “how do I know what my identity is?” Well a quick exercise to help you see how you see yourself is to write down 5 adjectives that best describe yourself. Go ahead do it now. I’ll wait…
Did you write down anything that you wish wasn’t true? If so, then start seeking out evidence to disprove it. Or maybe you wrote down 5 positive adjectives, but now ask yourself, do you have 100% control over each of them? For example, maybe you wrote down caring, friendly, awesome guitar player, giving and popular. Well, the first four you have control over, but popular is not 100% your choice. If you walk into a room where you don’t know anyone and you aren’t popular there then you may start feeling insecure.
So let me give you 6 steps to help eliminate your insecurities and feel better about yourself. The truth is I used to be really insecure about my balding, big nose, too skinny.. But after mastering these 6 steps on how to stop being insecure, I’ve since been the calm, confident man that I am now!
1. Stop Comparing Yourself To Others
Stop using social media all the time!
Remember that people just post the best from their lives and not their flaws
Remember that the highlight reel of others isn’t the same as how they really are. People tend to show others what they want people to see. If you base your comparisons on this, you’ll definitely miss some points.
Limit your social media and only view close friends or positive influencers like certain celebrities.
Do you really need to follow people like Dan Bilzerian?
There is always going to be someone bigger and better, so accept it. It doesn’t mean you should give up, it just means you should come up with your own metric for success instead of using someone else’s.
Compare yourself only to you.
While comparing is necessary to know where you rank yourself, only compare yourself to your achievements and successes NOT of others.
Every 6 to 12 months take inventory and compare how far you’ve come. Maybe you’ve been working out consistently so take a pic every month to see your progress. That makes a lot more sense than comparing yourself to Arnold S.!
And just like there is always someone better than you there is always someone worse off than you. Someone is looking at the short guy and saying he’s so lucky because he’s 5’1” and I’m only 4’1”…
Someone else is looking at that little person thinking he’s so lucky because he can walk and I can’t. Do you get the point? Start appreciating all that you have because no matter who you are, where you are or what you are insecure about you have a lot to be grateful for. At the minimum, I know you are alive and you probably hear or see or both if you are watching this video.
2. Change What You Can and Accept What You Can’t
Stop complaining.
Example: “Rich men are the only ones who can attract women.”
Mindset shift: Wealth isn’t the only thing that women look for men. Decent women look for important attributes such as how he make her feel.
Take action towards your weaknesses.
Let it motivate you (JayZ, Tony Robbins and Oprah came from extreme poverty)
There are certain things you CAN change
If you don’t like the way you look, you could go to the gym, tone your muscles, eat healthy foods, or change wardrobe. Too much facial or body hair? Some women find it sexy so that’s OK,
High hairline? Style your hair or just leave that be and focus on other good facial features you have.
It wouldn’t be easy especially in the start but it will be worth it.
Your personality can change. Personality is not defined by nature, I believe you also have full control over who you want to be.
There are certain things you CANNOT change
How do you accept the things you can’t change? Jon Kabat-Zinn said, “You can’t stop the waves, but you can learn how to surf.”
Own it and accept it because why worry about something you have no control over. As soon as you embrace and accept yourself for who you are it frees you.
Acknowledge insecurities, find the beauty in them, and soon you’ll be able to accept them as they are
Exercise: Write 20 positives about your insecurity. This will help you learn to love your every aspect of yourself.
What about Height? Well, think of it this way:
- Underdog – fun challenge
- When women like you you know its because of your personality not just your looks
- Motivated you to work harder at becoming attractive in other areas of your life
- Caused you to work harder in other things you can control like building muscle or building a business empire.
I have a friend who is 5’1” and owns 50 restaurant businesses and will probably be a billionaire in a few years and I have a feeling that he wouldn’t have worked so hard if he was 6’1” and women just threw themselves at him.
3. Stop negative thought loops
For some reason for most of us it’s easier to admire other people but hate oneself. I bet the mean things you say about yourself you would never say to anyone else you cared about. But, would it be fair to be gentle and love yourself just as how you easily love others?
Notice every time you think a negative thought about yourself and take a second to rephrase it to a positive statement or a progressive statement.
Use the rubber band technique (Pulling a rubber band and letting it snap at your wrist every time a negative thought comes to your head)
PERSPECTIVE CHANGE:
I’m so stupid = I just messed up no big deal everyone makes mistakes
I’m a failure = I found a way that doesn’t work and I will learn from this
I’m too skinny or fat = I’m making small steps everyday to improve my body.
4. Fall in love with yourself
Find your own beauty, focus on what’s good about you. Think about your good qualities, simple compliments from others, or your achievements and give yourself a compliment too.
List down the qualities/skills that you think that you’re good at. You may include others’ compliments, it could go as simple as “Your shoes are nice.” It means you have a good taste in fashion, you may include such notes. Track your small and big achievements in a journal (success journal – academy).
Before you start your day or when you’re feeling down or insecure, go over this list and remind yourself of these.
Focus on gratitude instead of being preoccupied with your inadequacy.
Maybe you aren’t super good looking but maybe you are a great storyteller and can take women on an emotional rollercoaster with your words. Then use that to your advantage and be grateful for it.
5. Surround Yourself with Support
Chances are you have a lot of naysayers in your life, because like attracts like. And as you are improving yourself they will try to bring you back down to their level because that is their comfort zone.
If you change it means that they have to face the cold harsh truth that they can also change and most people want to stay right where they are.
CRAB MENTALITY EXPLAINED:
If there are several crabs in a bucket, and one tries to climb out, the others will pull him back down. Unfortunately some people have the mentality “If I can’t have it, neither can you.” If the crabs supported each other, they could easily escape. But instead their selfishness keeps them trapped. When you start to change and reach for success do your friends and family offer encouragement, or do they try and pull you back down to reality? If you want to climb out of your “bucket,” whatever it may be, don’t let the other crabs pull you down.
Surround yourself with people who support you and accept you because they are also the people who could help you boosts your self-esteem. And stop hanging around those that bring you down.
Have a conversation with family members that put you down.
6. Exposure Therapy
Insecurities that arise in specific situations can fade away over time when you systematically desensitize yourself to situations you aren’t comfortable in.
Example: If you are normally nervous and feel insecure when talking to women, just find a way to talk to them. Show that you are comfortable and confident to establish connection even if you aren’t. Sure, they might notice that you’re nervous but surely, they will also notice that you are trying to overcome that feeling. Most often than not, these kind of interaction unlocks your communication skills.
If you are nervous during job interviews then practice it a lot. Apply for some jobs that you don’t care about to get in some practice.
Example: If you are normally nervous when talking to women, find a way to talk to them
-BONUS STEP-
Step 7. Use Physiology to Affect Psychology
Use your body to influence your mind “physiology affects psychology”
- Smile
- Studies show that if you smile you start to feel good
- “A smile spurs a powerful chemical reaction in the brain that can make you feel happier…. Science has shown that the mere act of smiling can lift your mood, lower stress, boost your immune system and possibly even prolong your life. … In other words, smiling can trick your brain into feeling happy” – NBC news
- Stand tall; shoulders back
- Victory pose – anchored positive feelings
- Take up space with Open body
- Slow and calm VS anxious and fidgety
Act like someone who is confident in those situations and soon you will be someone who is confident and your insecurity will soon fade.
That’s all for now! Make sure you keep updated because we’ve got more awesome tips to share soon!
Let us know if you want us to train and mentor you!
Cheers!
-Matt Artisan