Secret_Language_of_Attraction for temp PDF version only
Author: Matt Ardisson
Date: 2020-03-10T00:00:00+00:00

THE SECRET LANGUAGE
OF ATTRACTION

Matt Artisan

Copyright © 2020 The Attractive Man LLC

All Rights Reserved

Foreword:
Your Life Transformed

When it comes to romance women speak a radically different language than men. Men are from Mars, women from Venus and all that jazz. It’s the oldest joke in the book, but what we keep forgetting is that with patience any language can be learned.

And this book is your Rosetta Stone.

When you understand how to speak this “secret language,” you will tap into instant attraction, a deep connection, and even feelings of arousal in a matter of seconds. While mastering female attraction might be thrilling enough, this book is intended to do far more than just improve your love life. As a condensed version of our intensive training courses, this book can change your entire life. I hear your chuckle, but think about it.

The average guy goes through life never truly understanding women and never becoming the best, most attractive version of himself. He doesn't have a lot of dating options, so he settles for what he can get and then lives a life of regret. And it’s not just his love life that suffers. Even in non-romantic relationships with female coworkers, bosses, teachers, etc., this fellow never quite seems to read women right and keeps getting off on the wrong foot with them, which only feeds the regret monster.

Let’s call this average fella Joe, though there are tens of millions of guys just like him. Same as his old man, he works hard and while not perfect, has a pretty decent moral compass. He’s doing his best in life and can’t wait to settle down and start his own family. He is an all-around good guy, Joe’s biggest fault is his obsession with what others think of him, and a hard-wired need to please those around him, especially the ladies in his life.

Joe’s friends say he’s pretty smart, fun but not exactly the life of the party. The ladies say he’s a “nice guy,” at least the few that can remember his name. Basically Mr. Average Joe.

Since he devoted most of his time to school, work and his small group of friends, Joe never really bothered to “play the field” as a young man. Sure, he “hooked up” with a small handful of girls over the years, but nothing lasted long enough to be considered serious. No matter how hard he clung to every new gal or how much he bent over backwards to please them, for some reason they always began grumbling about him being “too clingy” and treated him more like a friend than a boyfriend.

But during a party in his senior year of college, a mutual friend introduced Joe to a sweet, pretty dark-haired undergrad named Veronica. They both hit it off immediately, spending the rest of the night chatting and making out without even any booze to lubricate the mood. Joe’s whole world changed when he begged to take her out for a proper date and she giggled, “I can’t wait.” After his poor track record with the fairer sex, the fantasy that this kind-hearted soul could be attracted to a boring ‘ole nice guy like himself blew Joe away.

Naturally, as they kept seeing more and more of each other, Joe pulled out all the stops to impress her. Veronica seemed uncomfortable at first with the pedestal he lofted her upon, but soon grew accustomed to the princess treatment. She never quite returned the favor, but she was friendly and nice enough to keep him satisfied. After a few months, they both tossed around the L-word, even if the word rang a little hollow. Maybe it wasn’t a Hollywood rom-com, but they both enjoyed each other’s company and felt safe together.

Like an old, worn-in pair of underwear, their relationship might not have been sexy and exciting, but it was comforting and reassuring.

Fast forward a year down the road with graduation right around the corner and Joe had a major decision to make. Veronica kept talking about a job on the West Coast, while Joe landed an interview for a great company on the East Coast. The writing was on the wall.

The icy fear of being single again, of starting all over in the dating game with no guarantee he’d find anyone better kept Joe awake at night. With all the pressure, it didn’t take Joe long to convince himself that he wasn’t settling, but rather settling down.

Veronica had a mini-panic attack when he finally popped the question, but like her mother before her, she convinced herself that “love isn’t found, it needs to grow.” After a few moments of stunned silence, or a few breathless years to Joe’s pounding heart, Veronica took a deep breath and wrapped him close, whispering the most exciting yet terrifying words he ever heard:

“I do.”

The honeymoon briefly rekindled their earlier passions, but the effect wore off faster than Joe ever dreamed. Not that things fell apart immediately though. They both slipped into a comfortable domestic routine in the first few years of marriage. To the outside world, their relationship had the slightest hint of strife or conflict.

But it was easy to avoid conflict when the couple lived more like roommates than lovers. It wasn’t until after their first child came along that either party felt the cold tinge of permanence crushing their dreams for the future. Unable to point at any one thing that went wrong, both still felt trapped in their “ideal” marriage.

To be fair, neither Veronica nor Joe tried to hurt their partner. They were both good people, but good God they couldn’t be communicating in more different languages.

For his part, Joe was a pleaser, always trying to make Veronica happy by putting her needs before his own. He lived by the old motto that his father had ingrained into his brain: “Happy wife, happy life.”

For example, he always dreamed of writing a novel. A dream he clung to since boyhood. Yet whenever he sat down in front of the computer during his limited free time after work, Veronica would beg him to take care of some chore around the house. And without fail each and every time, he would meekly drop what he was doing and scurry to obey. Needless to say, even after years of writing, he never got past the first few pages of that novel. Nor past the seeds of resentment blossoming in his frustrated soul.

As for sweet Veronica, she never meant to take advantage of his overly nice guy behavior. She genuinely appreciated everything he did for her, and secretly resented herself for being so demanding, but she could not shake the way he made her feel. Veronica never asked to be treated like a queen. Why did he keep making all these unnecessary sacrifices and guilt-tripping her into returning the favor?

It’s not that she wanted her man to be a selfish a-hole, but there was no balance of power in their relationship. She held all the cards, which ashamed her as much as the power scared her. Joe would bend over backwards to her every whim, never once standing up for himself, and then get frustrated when she wouldn’t do the same. She knew it wasn’t logical, but what does logic have to do with the heart? His cowardice made her feel unsafe and insecure. His excessive kindness read like manipulation. Combined with the cold fact that the two of them always seemed to communicate on opposite spectrums to begin with… well, it wasn’t long until she was subsumed by the darkest feeling that a woman knows:

Being hopelessly lost.

Still, Joe and Veronica reached a tipping point. There were some happy times, but for the most part they stayed together for 15 years just trying to make it work for the sake of their child. Even outsiders could tell their marriage grew purely professional as time wore on. A business relationship, with the only passion seen when they were fighting about some nonsense thing. Which seemed to happen more and more frequently as the years dragged on. At some point in the last year of their marriage even their sex life puttered out. Joe resented having to beg for sex despite everything he did for her and Veronica hated being treated like a sexual vending machine that had to “put out” when he accrued enough romance points.

You can probably guess where this old tale is going. As the judge at their divorce hearing pointed out, it didn’t matter who’s cheated. Only the future mattered.

Which wasn’t something Joe wanted to think about. Now almost in his 40's, with half of his life savings gone, no wife, few friends, poor social skills, depleted confidence, and a child he could only see on the weekend, Joe had to start all over.

Sounds pretty grim, right? Well, this is an all-too-common story. In fact, my dad recently went through a horrible divorce in his 60's with a woman he stayed with for 20 years just for the sake of my half brother and sister. I bet you have a friend or family member in a similar toxic relationship. No one wants this for their life.

But Joe’s tale, my father’s or the struggles of millions of similar men don’t have to be so common. With just a little effort, any man can become the sort of person with options who doesn’t have to settle.

Now I’m not running down marriage or any other long-term relationship… as long as you’re truly settling down with your soulmate and not just settling for what you have at the moment. That’s just not fair to either of you and won’t end well for anyone.

When you know the secret language of attraction, you’ll not just know how to meet the woman of your dreams, but you’ll know how to keep the passion and love alive.

Contents

Foreword: Your Life Transformed

Contents

Introduction: May Your Dating Life Be Forever Changed

How I Got Here

Subconscious Attraction

What’s In Store For You?

Phase I: Preparation - Understanding the language of attraction.

Phase II: Approach – Breaking the ice and making a lasting impression.

Phase III: Closing the deal – Advanced techniques for every situation

PHASE I: PREPARATION – MASTERING THE LANGUAGE OF ATTRACTION

CHAPTER 1: Understanding Her Primary Motivator

What Do Women Want?

SAFETY AND SECURITY – THE GREATEST INFLUENCER OF WOMEN

Female Intuition - A Woman’s Sixth Sense

The Biggest Attraction Trigger

CHAPTER 2: Speaking A Woman’s Secret Language

Make Her Hear What Isn’t Said

The Grammar Rules of Speaking Womanese

1) Context over Content – She feels what you are not saying

2) Female Intuition - Women notice everything.

3) Emotional Contagion – What you feel, she will feel as well.

4) Talk is cheap.

CHAPTER 3: The Key to Attracting Women

Tension Is A Grounded Man’s Secret Weapon

Grounding Yourself

The Nice Guy VS. The Bad Boy

Passing Her Subconscious Tension Tests

How To Instantly Ground Yourself

#1 - Embrace The Feelings, Good And Bad

#2 - Deep Breathing

#3 - Scan the Vicinity

How To Stay Grounded Over Time

Seek Out Safe But Tense Situations Every Day

Take a cold shower

Serenity

Chapter Recap

Exercises

CHAPTER 4: Being a High Status Man

Nine Steps To Master High Status Body Language

Step 1: The Rule of Investment

Step 2: Be More Comfortable Than Her

Step 4: Open Up

Step 5: Take Up Space

Step 6: Your Feet Tell All

Step 7: Piercing Eye Contact

Step 8: Slow Down Your Movements

Step 9: The Perfect Smile

Nuts and Bolts of Talking to Women

Volume – Turn up the confidence dial.

Speed – Slow is smooth.

Tone - Don’t be afraid of your “power voice”

Your Psychology Determines Your Physiology

Style – WE ALL Judge A Book By Its Cover

Vibe – the essentials of Speaking Womanese

Purpose

Passion

Presence

Positive

Peaceful

Chapter Recap

Exercises

PHASE II: APPROACH –– BREAKING THE ICE AND MAKING A LASTING IMPRESSION

CHAPTER 4: She Wants to Feel Your Desire

Every Woman’s Secret Aphrodisiac

Desire

Emotional Contagion

Giving a compliment

Sample Compliments:

Why Compliments and Showing Desire Backfires For Nice Guys

Chapter Recap

Exercises

CHAPTER 6: Selecting And Qualifying Her

Stop Trying To ATTRACT women

The Selector’s Mindset and High Status Lifestyle

Plenty of Sand at the Beach

You Are The Prize

Being A Selector Is A Lifestyle

If You’re Faking It, Then She Is The True Selector

PRINCIPLES of a Selector

The Principle Of Workmanship

The Principle Of Preselection

The Principle of Appreciation

The Principle Of Caring

Qualification – Showing You’re the Selector

Determine Your Standards In Advance

Qualification Question Examples

Reciprocity

Know Your Setting

Chapter Recap

Exercises

CHAPTER 7: How to Create A Deep Connection With A Woman

THE foundation of creating deep connections

Instant Rapport

The Dreaded Awkward Silence

Your Vibe - The Chameleon Effect

Shared Experiences

Emotional Experiences

Conversational Rapport

The 70/30 Rule

Emotional Questions

Talking About Yourself

Cold Reading

Being Vulnerable

Storytelling

Bottom Line: You Have To Affect Her

Deep VS Wide Rapport

Wide Rapport Conversation Example:

Deep Rapport Conversation Example:

Breaking Rapport

Teasing

Cultivating An Interesting Personality

Chapter Recap

Exercises

PHASE III: CLOSING THE DEAL –– ADVANCED TECHNIQUES FOR EVERY SITUATION

CHAPTER 8: Creating A Fun And Flirty Vibe

What’s Your Goal?

The Key To Fun

Bar Games

Role-Playing

The Art Of Flirting

What is Flirting, Really?

Context Frame

Teasing

Push-Pull

Disqualifying

Ridiculous Responses to Common Questions

No Filter, No Problem

The Magic Ingredient

CHapter Recap

Exercises

CHAPTER 9: Turning The Conversation Intimate

Sex Isn’t A Prize, It’s A Mutual Reward

Sexual Confidence

Planting the seed

Sexy Games and Role Plays

The Questions Game

The Body Test

Strawberry Fields

Playful Restrictions

Chapter Recap

CHAPTER 10:

Sexual Tension and Escalation

Sexual Tension Through Body Language

The Sexual Tension Handshake

Practicing Sexual Tension

Keys To Sensual Touching

Strong VS Soft Touch

Break The Touch Barrier Sooner Rather Than Later

Don’t Let It Linger

Types Of Touches By Context

Make Your Move

Handling Objections To Your Advances

Chapter Recap

EXERCISE

CHAPTER 11: Putting It All Together In Different Situations

Meeting Women During The Day: The Compliment, Qualify, Close Method

Step 1: Compliment

Clear Intent To Enhance Desire

Body Language

You Must Use Time Constraints

Acknowledge Her Reality

Step 2: Qualify Her

Build Rapport and Appreciate

Step 3: Closing The Deal

Meeting Girls At Social Events

Meeting Girls In The Night Life Scene

Starting Off The Night

Step 2: Starting The Conversation

Keep The Conversation Going

Step 2: Escalate

Moving Her Or The Group

Showing Interest at Night

Being the Selector at Night

Building Rapport at Night

Closing Logistics

Follow Up - Calling and Texting

First Dates

Where To Go

Keeping Things Fun And Interesting

Touching

Moving To Different Venues

Going For The Kiss

Taking Her Home

Prepping Your Place

Playing Hard To Get

Handling Objections

Chapter Recap

Exercises

CHAPTER 11: Building On What You’ve Learned

Your Path To Success

Your New Gym Is The Mall

Reject The Fear Of Rejection

Stop Making Excuses And Get Out Of Your Comfort Zone

Shortcuts To Building Confidence And Conquering Social Fear

Dance Class

Public Speaking Class

Acting Class

Improv Class

Paying The Price For Success

Final Words

BONUS: Language of Attraction Cheat Sheet

Introduction:
May Your Dating Life Be Forever Changed

“Excuse me, do you like squirrels?”

Face-palm. Yep, I once tried that line out. A few wild years ago back in 2008, I saddled up to a raggedy bar stool in Newport Beach and cracked my most wicked grin. The sun-kissed Californian bombshell next to me smoothed her mini-skirt down over her miles-long silky legs and tossed her blonde bangs my way.

“Did you say squirrels?”

I nodded and dug deep, somehow managing to keep a straight-ish face while grinning at her pouty lips.

“Because I'm going to put my nut in your hole.”

No, I wasn’t suffering a stroke nor was I drunk. It was far worse than that… I’d been dared by another group of cuties to make an ass of myself.

Already flinching from the inevitable slap in the face, I spun away fast to wink at my three new cackling female friends at the far end of the bar. I mouthed, “Now you have to buy me that drink” to the redheaded big sister of the group.

Until just a minute ago, I had been chatting up a feisty redhead and her two cute friends. Somehow we got on the topic of pickup lines. I recited a few I heard and had these cuties bawled over in laughter. It was all fun and games until the fire-headed mother hen of the gang clucked her tongue and sized me up from head to toe.

“You talk a good game, but I’d like to see how you do in the hot seat. I tell you what, if you try out a stupid line of my choice on… oh, how about that pretty little blondie over there, and she doesn’t immediately reject you, then I’ll buy you a drink.”

Back in those days I used to eat at the soup kitchen and get free groceries from the homeless shelter just to save a few bucks. So I wasn’t about to turn from an opportunities to get a free drink.

The other girls cooed in excitement at the new game while I chuckled around the lump in my throat. I was just about to throw in the towel and call it an early night when the redhead brushed my arm and leaned in close.

“Oh, you’re not scared, are you now?”

Game on. Hell, I’ve done sillier things for a free drink.

But to my utter dismay, my redhead challenger chose the hottest girl in the bar for me to recite her horrific squirrel line. As soon as the words, “nut in your hole,” left my lips I instantly regretted it..

As I braced for the impact of an inevitable slap in the face, what she said next completely floored me.

“Yes, I love squirrels.”

I snapped my head back to the giggling beauty on the bar stool in front of me. She laughed harder at the “WTF” look on my face. My whole world turned upside down. The sleaze routine wasn’t supposed to do anything besides impress the other girls and hopefully get me a drink.

The squirrel-loving blonde at my elbow beamed and stuck out her hand. “My name’s…” Still lost, I interrupted while shaking her hand.

“I don't think you heard me. I said, I'm going to put my nuts in your hole!” She guffawed and patted my arm while my eyes bulged out of my skull.

“Yes, I heard you. I actually do really love squirrels.” She licked her lips.

Ignoring the twinkle in her eye, I finally laughed myself and shook my head.

“So why aren’t you slapping me right now or tossing your drink in my face?”

She waved her thin wrist and said something that would change my life forever.

“I could tell you were just having fun. Most guys are so boring.”

“I could tell you were just having fun and joking around. You don’t have a weird energy like most guys. I have a strong intuition and you don’t creep me out haha.”

She tilted her head down the bar at a gaggle of well-dressed, muscle-bound studs scanning the bar for their next “victim.” Two of these jocks broke off from the pack and strutted over to a couple of pretty brunettes at a nearby table. I couldn’t hear a word from the wannabe Casanova’s, but they clearly had some well-rehearsed script. They could have been spinning absolute poetry for all I know, but their body language killed whatever game they might’ve pulled off.

One guy laid on the ultra-alpha male cockiness so thick I choked on the testosterone and snorted as hard as the girl he was slobbering over. The other played it cool… but so cool that he just clutched his beer in front of him like a talisman mumbling his lines. The pity in his “target’s” eyes even made me cringe.

This squirrel-loving sweetheart was dead on the money. It wasn't about the words I used, or even how confident I was. All that mattered was the way I made her feel.

The whole language of attraction is as simple yet intricate as that.

I was having fun, totally in my element and not trying to “score” with her. I simply got lucky that she was looking for a laugh at that exact moment in time, for a break from the alpha bros and scared boys trying to get her number.

So yay, I stumbled onto the golden rule of picking up women… but how the hell could I reproduce this effect? Every female is different, even minute to minute. How could I possibly tell what was going through a woman’s mind? Far smarter men than me have spent their lives vainly searching for an answer to that ancient “What does a woman want?” riddle. Haven’t the ways of women been mysteries to mortal men for thousands of years?

Well, thanks to a silly dare in a random dive bar years ago, I finally have the answer to, “What does a woman want?”

It’s a trick question.

She doesn’t want you to say a particular thing, do a specific set of actions give her anything or even be anything you’re not; she wants you to be authentic, genuine and above all put off a vibe that makes her feel safe, desired and excited. Even better, she’s always telling you what she wants to feel at any given moment, at least once you’ve learned how to listen.

Now I’m not trying to get all metaphysical on you. I mean that literally.

When it comes to romance and emotion, women speak a whole different language than men. Rather than analyzing every word you say, speaking a woman’s secret language is all about context over content. Especially her subconscious reaction to your body language, vibe and overall state of mind. But if you apply the lessons of this book, then this new language is the easiest you’ll ever learn.

When you understand how to speak this “secret language,” you will learn how to create instant attraction, a deep connection, and even escalate that rapport into tantalizing sexual tension in a matter of seconds. This straightforward, no BS approach has worked for thousands of my students all over the world, so I guarantee you’re no different.

Maybe you’ve already heard that what you say isn’t important, that it’s all about how you make her feel. But that’s just the tip of the iceberg. In this book, we’ll dive so much deeper until you’re able to walk up to a complete stranger on the street and turn her on instantly by speaking her language.

I can’t stress how much of a game changer simply learning to speak this supposedly “secret” language is. And the beauty is that anyone can learn this. It truly doesn't matter if you’re short, bald, scrawny, old, ugly or have no money as long as you can speak her language. Of course hitting the gym, getting a hip new haircut or upgrading your wardrobe greatly improves your odds with women, but that’s all a waste of time if your verbal and nonverbal communication isn’t communicating the right thing. If muscles, good looks and money were the only things women cared about, the world would be populated with nothing but the offspring of rich Spanish soccer players.

Thankfully for all us non-demigods, women are searching for something much deeper in a mate. Women aren’t stupid. They know wealth, health and looks are fleeting. They want a man that speaks their language, because that’s hot forever.

So are you ready to give her what she’s begging for?

All you have to do is read and apply the principles laid out in careful detail in this book. These principles that are about to change your life are the result of thousands of hours of research and rather pleasant “infield” study conducted by myself and our team of dating coaches.

Just like in our more in-depth, hands-on training, we don’t waste time with the BS tricks and pseudoscience you hear from amateur “pick up artists” and dating coaches. We stick with proven real-world methods to learn and apply the secret language of attraction, so you can become the type of man a woman wants, without resorting to gimmicks, sleazy lines or playing any weird psychological games.

Which frees up plenty of time for you and her to, shall we say… enjoy the fruit of your labors.

This book will teach you what women really want on a primal level so you can tap into instinctual attraction. You will stand out from all the other guys talking her up for the simple reason that you’re speaking her language. You will be able to spark attraction faster than anyone else because you will be doing it on a subconscious level. You will have the attributes that she wants in a man and fire off attraction on all cylinders.

And not just in general, theoretical terms. You will know exactly what to say and how to say it no matter the situation. You will speak the “secret” language of attraction that most guys never bother to learn.

How I Got Here

My name is Matt Artisan and I'm about to change your dating life forever. But I wasn't always one of the world’s leading dating and attraction coaches. In fact, I was once even more lost with women than you think you are right now.

Back in high school, I was a beta-male geek. I’m talking the kind of nerd that even the scrawny chess club guys laughed at. I didn't have a lot of friends and the ones I did have were all geeks like me. Now, there is nothing wrong with being a geek, but we definitely don’t have an innate knack for the ladies. I remember watching in envy as all the popular guys, the jocks and guys in rock bands, got the hot girls that I so desperately wanted. Even the totally boring regular boys all seemed to have girlfriends. Of course I mocked them with my nerd buddies, but deep down I desperately wished I could be like them, so cool and confident, getting the girls to fawn over me without lifting a finger.

But even in the most boring life, there are opportunities for tectonic change, if we can ditch our fears and seize that fleeting chance with both hands. The catalyst for my change came during the last day of sophomore year, when everyone was outside signing yearbooks. I only had a handful of signatures, nothing like the popular kids. I was conversing with my usual geek squad when I spotted her. Christy O’Reily. The hottest girl in school. To this day she probably has no idea who I am.

As usual, she stood there confidently, her wavy blonde hair catching the fading sunlight. Her perfect features set into a bright smile illuminating with braces that gave her a touch of innocence.

The line of guys eagerly awaiting her signature had dwindled down and I saw my chance. I could finally make a move.

Or so went the fantasy.

I managed one step in her direction before my feet stuck in invisible concrete. My heart pounded as my knees wobbled and I broke out in an icy sweat. What was happening? I just wanted to say five simple words. “Can you sign my yearbook?”

But no dice. My body had shut down and slipped into survival “flight” mode, staying there until long after she wandered off with her friends.

I was sick to my stomach alright. Sick and tired of desperately needing girls to notice me, yet scared to death to even catch their eye. Oh, this was far more than your typical virgin’s frustration. I was fed up with being an outcast. With the second-class treatment just because I didn’t have the balls to conquer my own angst.

Later in the day, when I was free of the paralyzing grip of fear, I did something different. Instead of wallowing in regret and frustration at my cowardice, I took action.

Like countless geeky and loveless teens before me, I learned how to play guitar.

The funny thing is, I actually became pretty good at it. Since as early as I could remember, whenever I put my mind to something I would go all in. I never half-assed anything. When I collected X-Men trading cards I had to have every single one. When I took Karate lessons I had to be the best and practiced furiously, never satisfied with any of the trophies. I used the same dedication and discipline to master the guitar.

After high school, I decided to move as close to Hollywood as possible so I could become a real rock star. I was accepted to the University of California at Irvine to study Computer Science, just an hour away from the City of Angels, were I started a band.

Rocking out in a band definitely helped me get girls. And not just with the ones rushing up to “say high” after a show. Just being on stage boosted my confidence around all women. Those days of intense desire when staring at a pretty face were no more.

After college, my band took things to a whole new level. We won a battle of the bands against 127 other L.A. bands; won the award for Performer of the Year at the LA Music Awards; got featured on MTV; and were personally asked by Mike Shinoda of Linkin Park to tour with them for the entire Mid-West run of the 2007 Projekt Revolution Tour. Needless to say, my confidence was through the roof. I was on top of the world.

Until it all came crashing down in January of 2008 when my band broke up. My Rockstar dreams of touring the world and hooking up with exotic groupies in every city was no more.

After college, since the band demanded a lot of my time, I had settled for a flexible job selling garage doors, instead of a high paying tech job. I was literally going door to door selling doors… which isn’t exactly the most lucrative business model. I barely made enough money to pay the bills when my music career came to a screeching halt.

Thankfully, I had a hot girlfriend… but only because she was a huge fan of my band. In just two months after the gang splitting up, she dumped me for being too needy. Looking back, I don’t blame her. I mean, I was. I was a constantly seeking her attention to validate my worth. I called her repeatedly, sent her flowers and even cheesy poetry I found on the Internet. When she didn't text back I upped the creep factor by stalking her friend, who worked at the nearby grocery store, to ask what was going on. The final blow came when she blocked me on Facebook and even Myspace (Yeah, yeah. I know I’m a dinosaur).

So there I was. I had no band, my girlfriend dumped me, and was left with a shitty job that showed I had wasted five years of college. Worst of all, I felt like my identity was lost and my “cool factor” was gone. If I wasn’t the bad ass rocker guy in a band, then I was just back to being a nerd with low self-esteem.

Without the band I had no idea how to talk to girls or what to say to them. My go-to opening line was usually, “Hey do you like rock music? Come check out my band next week at The Troubadour.” I couldn't say that anymore. And I sure didn’t have the confidence left to try out anything else.

Why would girls ever want to talk to me now?

So like most when they hit rock bottom, I searched online for any sliver of hope. I Googled, “Los Angeles dating advice for men,” and clicked a link called “Casanova Crew.” They had local meetups every week discussing any and every topic on how to meet women.

The next night, I crept out of my apartment to check out one of the meetings, not daring to tell my roommate where I was going. When I got to the event, I politely said hello to some of the guys, most of whom looked like they were dressed for Halloween. It seemed like a room full of nerds who were trying too hard to look cool. Some were decked out like rockers, while others were pimped-out like Dollar-Store rappers. Since I was a former wannabe rockstar that used to wear black “guy-liner” and see-through mesh shirts onstage, who was I to judge?

As the dating “guru” of the evening took the stage, I was mesmerized by his appearance. Tattoos from head to toe, a 16-inch pink mohawk, 4” platform studded rockstar boots to make up for his short stature and more piercings than I could count with my fingers. And unlike the wannabe badasses in the room, this guy had the charisma and attitude to back up his swag. His name was Vince Kelvin.

Vince seemed to know everything there was to know about women. When he pitched his live event on how to walk up to any woman in broad daylight and get her magnetically attracted to you, I did not hesitate to sign up for the next event the following week.

All week I obsessed over the workshop, wondering if I would do well or fall flat on my face. I didn’t dare tell my roomate or any of my friends where I would be heading the following weekend for fear of judgement and ridicule.

When the weekend finally arrived, I shambled through the dark lobby of the Roosevelt Hotel to meet Vince and my fellow wannabe ladies’ men. We huddled around Vince as he gave us a few opening lines and a sheet with ten canned openers. After a few tips and words of encouragement, we were off to the streets of Hollywood Blvd to try out the scripts.

I zeroed in on the first two girls I saw. This was the first time I had ever approached a woman on the street using lines that didn’t include, “Come check out my band.”

To my surprise, the gals were rather receptive to this newfangled approach of just talking like a regular person. I couldn’t believe I got a phone number on my first try.

I kept it up all afternoon, saying high and breaking the ice with random women. It was crazy, but they seemed to like being approached by a strange guy on the street. I was hooked.

Approaching women became more than a new hobby. It was an addiction. Just like Kung Fu, guitar and X-men cards, I was obsessed with having it all and becoming the best.

Weeks went by and I kept practicing over and over again to get it right. It was no different than exercising, set after set, approach after approach. It was like my new day job was picking up girls. I read books, watched videos, and listened to CD after CD on how to meet women as I drove around selling garage doors. Which wasn’t the worst job in the world any longer, since so many of my prospective clients were attractive milfs. I know my boss quit complaining about my sales figures.

Every time I saw a woman, no matter the situation, I would go talk to her, eager to try out all I was learning. I went to college campuses, malls, book stores, bars, clubs, the beach, anywhere they were, I would go and meet them.

Now I had a lot of failed attempts, in large part due to my shotgun approach. After all, when you use the same lines over and over, how believable can it really sound? But I also had a lot of successes, which drove my motivation to new heights and just fed my hunger. My neediness and insecurities faded away as I developed real confidence in myself for the first time ever.

After just three months of practice and attending two more boot camps, I graduated to an official trainer for Vince.

But there was a problem. I was so used to firing off canned lines that women were starting to notice my subtle lack of enthusiasm for the words coming out of my mouth. And that was the best-case scenario. For some of the students in the workshops, the scripts came off as quite disingenuous. Especially if they’re struggling to recall the words. The only thing worse than reciting something that’s clearly a memorized line is stumbling over your words; Crashing and burning before you even got past the opening ice breaker.

I just knew there had to be another method than simply reciting scripts, no matter how witty or well-researched. I just knew there had to be a way to fool-proof the opening conversation process so that any man could pull off a smooth introduction, no matter how nervous or forgetful he was. The art is in delivery, after all, not in what you’re saying. Although I did not know that at the time.

So I put down my books and started studying the naturals in action. You know those guys that aren’t anything special to look at and don’t cruise around in BMW’s, but are still amazing with women. The men that don’t have any scripted material yet can charm the pants off a woman just by chatting about whatever comes into their laid-back brains. Luckily, I lived in Newport Beach at the time and had plenty of samples to work with—all the surfers with their “chilled out” confidence melting women’s hearts left and right.

Some of these guys were good looking, but a lot of them were just average. A few were wealthy, but most had low paying jobs or no job at all. One of the most successful dudes I met was even short, bald and dirt-poor! Not exactly the fellas most women were bragging about to their girlfriends, yet these guys kept heading home every night with some of the hottest women around.

I noticed most of them had one thing in common though: they didn't actually say a lot. They just projected an authentic, natural vibe of confidence and an aura of being grounded that made women feel safe, desired… and brought out her animal instincts to get his attention.

I studied other experts on attraction and researched evolutionary biology to figure out this aura better. To dive into the nuts and bolts of what women wanted on an instinctual level that transcends culture or age. I realized that what the smelly big-browed cave woman wanted 50,000 thousand years ago is what the flirty hot blonde in high heels at the bar or the quiet bookworm brunette at the coffee shop wants today.

And if you can project that you are the type of guy that has what she instinctively craves, rather than just talk a big game, then you can and will attract beautiful woman in a matter of seconds.

Subconscious Attraction

I’m sure you’ve heard of all the studies showing that women subconsciously decide whether you are the type of man that they would possibly sleep with or not within the first few seconds of meeting you. This doesn't mean that after two seconds she will go home with you (if only it were that easy), but subconsciously, her mind puts you in the potential lover category, or not, almost instantly and without even thinking. Even if her conscious mind is eventually won over by your words, if she’s already subconsciously categorized you into the “platonic” category then you’re in for quite an uphill battle for her affection.

So what if you could communicate directly to that supposedly inscrutable subconscious mind like you do her conscious brain? Talk about a game-changer.

Instead of memorizing lines, routines and gimmicks from someone else, I began using grounding techniques and playing with sexual tension to make her feel an instinctual attraction. This isn’t some magic trick, but all about using basic psychology to project an attractive vibe. This “technique” was also so much easier, since I only had to be myself. Well, to be fair, an updated and more attractive version of myself. Some prep work is required to make your natural personality better connect with her instincts.

Armed with this new, simpler way of “naturally attracting” women, I was landing far more dates from high-quality beautiful women, with less work, than even in my rock band glory days.

My friends started noticing how I was going on dates three or four nights a week with attractive women and constantly wanted to know what was my “secret sauce.” What magic combination of words was I using to bring these women home. But most of the time I couldn’t even recall what I said when we first met. It didn’t matter. The actual words you say have little to do with attraction if you’re “speaking” directly to her subconscious.

Of course, they didn’t believe me. They thought I was holding out some “cheat code” of love just for myself. So I searched for a way to explain everything I’d learned through my research in a way that could be taught to any man in any situation. A system that was super simple to employ yet would work in a matter of seconds. One that didn’t make you memorize scripts or so-called “clever” pick-up lines, yet would always still arm you with exactly to do or say when you met a girl. A system that would work if you were eighteen years old and fresh out of high school, or fifty years old and fresh out of a divorce. A system that works even if you aren’t good looking, wealthy, or are desperately in need of a gym membership. The only system that could establish a deep connection and trigger her primal attraction instincts to desire you.

After teaching my friends and some of Vince’s boot camp students these simple, yet highly effective methods for meeting women anywhere, they too saw incredible results. It was clear that I wasn’t some fluke. There wasn’t anything special about me other than how I understood women better and became comfortable being me. That’s when I knew I had an obligation to the men of the world to help out as many of them as possible.

In 2009, I founded “The Attractive Man” dating coach company to spread the simple message that any man can master the subconscious language of attraction. We’ve since conducted live training and helped thousands of men in 43 different countries by teaching the very same concepts and principles that you are about to learn.

What makes The Attractive Man so successful, compared to other companies, is that our method is so simple and natural. You don’t have to pretend to be someone you are not. Instead, you get to upgrade your personality to a more confident, genuine and grounded version of yourself that women love.

Most dating coaches neglect the underlying problems that their students face, so they never get consistently reliable or fast results. Instead of fixing the root problem of not communicating subconscious attraction, these companies promote techniques that try to compensate for personality defects and cover up insecurities instead of fixing them. The problem is that you can’t put a Band Aid over fears and insecurities. No matter how skilled someone might be at deceit, that bandage will fall off eventually, exposing all of his unattractive qualities.

The Attractive Man team deals with underlying core belief issues that created the man’s needy behaviors in the first place, as well as, what to do and how to behave in certain scenarios. This is the only way to garner true confidence and lasting charisma, instead of faking it.

Because of the fast results our clients get, I was named the Best New Dating Coach in the World at the 2012 World Summit of Dating in Los Angeles California, an international convention of dating coaches and pick up artists. Which is a misnomer, because I don’t consider myself a pick-up artist at all. My team and I never encourage manipulation or sleazy tactics of any kind. Why bother with such complicated games when real attraction just requires being your true self?

I was also featured on ABC Nightline and interviewed by Fox News and ESPN because they were so impressed with the life-changing results of our classes. Some of our coaches were even featured on CNN and interviewed by VICE TV.

After my team and I had helped thousands of guys around the world, I realized I needed to get this information out there faster. We couldn’t keep up with demand in our bootcamps. Due to the personalized feedback and intensive individual training, we could only have a maximum of ten guys in a boot camp at one time. I wanted more men to benefit from this simple system, which is where this labor of love you’re now reading came to fruition.

Men have paid tens of thousands of dollars to work with me one on one and master these concepts, but now you have the CliffsNotes of attraction right here at your fingertips. That being said, I don’t want to set false expectations. While packing all the information of our live courses, this book can’t substitute for practice and expert feedback. Don’t expect women to suddenly drop to their knees for you or magically fall from the sky and land in your lap. You do have to put in effort by applying these concepts to meet some actual women.

But of course, that’s the fun part!

What’s In Store For You?

My straightforward goal for this book is to help you flirt and talk to women in a natural way that makes them instantly attracted to you. You’ll have a better understanding of a woman’s secret language, and in the process, gain a deeper understanding of yourself and what’s holding you back in attracting the women you want. Make no mistake about it, this book is not a simple collection of do and don’t tips. This is designed to help you improve your total personality by making you more comfortable and confident around beautiful women.

Yes, I’ll give you some examples of what to say, but most importantly I’m going to help make sure the right words flow out naturally. At the end I’ll even give you a step-by-step sequence for meeting women that works incredibly well. Of course, that method is only a framework to help guide you through the conversation. It’s not a substitute for showing your true personality.

Make sure to read this book from start to finish and fight the urge to skip ahead. You’ll thank me later. Just because the end of the book contains the actual ABC system of what to do and what to say when you see that hottie you want, you need to do your homework before you can take the test. Remember that nothing in the last chapters will work if you don’t read, practice and internalize the prior chapters.

For the fastest results, I’ve broken down these life lessons into three practical phases:

Phase I: Preparation - Understanding the language of attraction.

I’ll start out by going over the secret language that women speak and why you must understand these major differences in communication between the sexes if you want to know what any woman wants.

Here I’ll also show you the number one thing that a woman needs from you in order to feel attraction and be willing to go home with you. If you don’t make her feel this crucial emotion, which surprises most guys, then it’s game over before you even begin.

You’ll learn crucial techniques you can apply instantly in any situation to ground yourself and eliminate fear and nervousness while still projecting high status. For most men, this is an overnight life changer in itself. For others, it can take time to fully comprehend the meaning and importance of this game-changing concept. You may want to reread that section and practice the techniques several times, but everyone can master this principle.

Phase II: Approach – Breaking the ice and making a lasting impression.

Here you’ll study how to approach and talk to a woman in her own language to connect with a female on a subconscious, instinctual level. In particular, the number one emotional state you should be in to turn a woman on within seconds. That’s not hyperbole. This personality trait is so powerful that when you express it properly, she will feel instant physical attraction. With that said, if not properly harnessed or implemented haphazardly, this emotional positioning can tragically backfire and repel women.

Just as important, I’ll also show you how to be the selector in any interaction. This isn’t just a gimmick to make women chase you, although it does have that effect. Rather, it’s a total mindset shift, where you stop seeing her as some prize to be won over. Women love men who have standards, and when you allow her the opportunity to win you over, it sets you apart from the herd of men out there vying for her affection.

Here we’ll expand upon the basic techniques and show you what to do and say after you’ve broken the ice. Specifically, how to qualify a woman as worth your time, how to establish your high status to her and make her chase you, and of course, how to create sexual tension and escalate the conversation to the bedroom.

You’ll also discover how to keep building rapport with a woman and connect with her on a deep emotional level, where she feels like she’s known you forever. This allows her to truly open up to you, be vulnerable and garner deep trust. This last part can’t be stressed enough, since a woman must trust you in order to even consider going home with you.

Phase III: Closing the deal – Advanced techniques for every situation

Finally, I’ll show you how to take her on an emotional rollercoaster that makes her keep wanting more. She’ll be having so much fun with you that things will naturally escalate into a sexual relationship. One where she’s excited to fulfill the fantasies you ignited in her and doesn’t need any emotional prodding towards the bedroom.

I’ll show you how to put everything together and use what you’ve learned in any situation. Such as meeting women during the day, at social events, bars and parties, and especially what to do on dates. I’ll give you specific examples of what I’ve said and done to land countless dates and make women fall head over heels for me.

You’ll also discover how to go from strangers on the street to romantic partners in a way that feels wonderful for both you and her. She will love your advances because I’ll show you how to create sexual tension, escalate and take things to the next level in a way that women can’t resist.

Now that you have an overview of how this book will transform your dating life and make you the kind of man that women desire, let's begin your journey to become the attractive man you were born to be.

Note: If anything in this book is unclear, if you have questions or you’d like my help to achieve your dating goals, reach out to me on Instagram @mattartisan.

PHASE I: PREPARATION –
MASTERING THE LANGUAGE OF ATTRACTION

CHAPTER 1:
Understanding Her Primary Motivator

“A woman will forget what you say. She will forget what you did. But she will never forget the way you made her feel.”

- Maya Angelou

It was more than just Mark’s first dating boot camp. You could tell by his trembling hands it was the first time he had approached a girl during the day. No nightclub’s dim lights to hide his nerves nor alcohol to build them up. Nothing but his raw charm, confidence and personality to rely on. Which to him, sure didn’t feel like a deep well to draw from.

When he signed up for my course, Mark was already 37, with his wild bachelor days a distant memory. He’d just been unceremoniously dumped on the dating market when his girlfriend of five years skipped out one day. Topping it all off, he didn’t have anything special going on for him. In intelligence, wealth and dating success he was the epitome of average. Mark did have one huge advantage though:

He was tired of being average and wanted more out of life.

But for a while, he wasted that drive by focusing on superficial improvements. He hit the gym hard after the breakup; spending every evening sculpting the six-pack and biceps he assumed woman lusted after. Like so many guys, he figured women must be just as attracted to his body as he was to theirs. That muscles alone were some magic shortcut to a gal’s heart.

He seemed a bit embarrassed when we first met. All the workouts and the cheesy online advice he could find weren’t paying. Mark wanted me to tell him exactly what was so terrible about him as a person that even with a chiseled body he couldn’t turn women on. I just clapped his broad shoulder and pointed out the same thing I’ve seen in thousands of frustrated men.

Despite his nerves, Mark hit the ground running. Literally running up to the first girl he saw sauntering down the street. It was a great attempt, but the gal didn't stop. His body language was not assertive enough, so she wasn't compelled to listen. After all, objects in motion tend to stay in motion.

I gave him feedback to be louder, more commanding and stick out his hands in a stopping motion, all without coming across as dangerous. He understood and continued searching for his next candidate.

Mark was a quick learner. He grasped fast that he needed to stop talking at a woman and instead connect with her emotions.

Luckily, the streets of Manhattan are filled with gorgeous women and it wasn't hard to find another that sparked his interest. This time, Mark did what I instructed and she stopped… with a smile on her face. They had a quick conversation and she seemed to love his compliment, but she “was pressed for time” and politely excused herself.

Even without getting a number, Mark had a whole new swagger in his step as he came back over to me.

I figured it was time to get Mark to the next level, so I took out my video camera and mic'd him up with a little wireless microphone. He was skeptical at first, but I explained I needed to hear every word in real-time if I was going to give him the best feedback possible.

Mic'd up, Mark walked into Macy's in search of his next prospect. It only took a minute for him to spot a tall, slender, New York bombshell dressed to the 9's. An hour earlier, he never would have dreamed of even trying to make eye contact with someone that he assumed was “so far out of my league.”

But now Mark marched straight to the makeup counter, where this beauty was perusing eyeliners, and looked her straight in the eye. “This is really unexpected, and I normally don't do this, but I just saw you here shopping, and thought you were absolutely stunning.”

Now one common misconception is that compliments are always suspicious to women. Of course compliments work great as an icebreaker, as long as they are genuine and delivered with confidence.

If you ask something fake like, “Hey I made a bet with my friend and need your advice on…” or, “Hey I’m shopping for my sister, what would you recommend?” women can spot these disingenuous canned lines a mile away.

Again though, the power to spark an attraction doesn’t come from the actual words you say, but through your delivery, intensity and intention. All those things that a woman subconsciously feels from your words, rather than what she hears.

Mark’s verbal delivery needed some work to get him out of his own head. “Don’t get rejected” was the obvious vibe he was giving off through nervous fidgeting and obvious signs of discomfort. These are the types of things any woman will notice with her gut, even if she’s not consciously thinking about them.

Still, the girl smiled, introduced herself and they continued chatting for a minute or so. From an outside perspective everything seemed to be going great. But I could tell there was something off. From the neutral look on the girl's face, it was obvious Mark was unknowingly pushing her away. Sure, he managed to keep up a casual conversation for a while. He even made her laugh a few times, but I could tell he wasn’t connecting with her on a visceral level.

When it came time to go for her phone number, she politely mentioned her boyfriend and they parted ways quickly. Nonetheless, Mark was pleased that the interaction had lasted almost two minutes.

For only his third approach of the day, Mark was doing amazingly well. But I knew that if he couldn’t get out of his head he’d never get the results he wanted.

What I hit him with next would be a game changer.

“Mark, that was great. You really made her day and she clearly enjoyed the interaction. However, when you told her she was beautiful, I could tell she didn’t feel it. She appreciated the sentiment, but it didn’t sink in because you were communicating from your logical brain instead of your body. It was clear that you were over analyzing what you were saying, instead of being in your body and just enjoying the moment with her. When you fully embody what you say, the woman can feel it and you will get a very different reaction.”

Mark’s eyes widened as he sat in rapt attention.

“You see,” I continued, “Men tend to treat making an emotional connection with a woman like a puzzle that needs solving. If we analyze all the variables and plug in the right words or actions here and there, we can somehow ‘fix’ the problem and get her attention.

“Mark, all you need to do is stop speaking with your head and start speaking with your body.

He nodded along, yet soon frowned. “But what if I say something dumb and kill the moment?”

“Again, analyzing the situation like that already kills the mood. Stop caring about what to say next, or what she might think, or getting her number or anything else. Just focus on being genuine, and really meaning what you say.”

I could still see some skepticism bouncing around in his eyes. To be fair, this simple but powerful philosophy ran counter to all those silly pick-up artists tips he’d been reading about.

“Look, when you are just reciting lines or stuck in your head thinking about what to say, no matter how clever the script, you aren’t fully present and she can feel it. What woman can trust a guy who is not fully there with her? So, don't dwell on the exact words to say because your energy, vibe and nonverbal communication matter a lot more.

“Feel her energy and enjoy the moment with her. For your next approach, just take a deep breath and clear your overactive mind. Take your time, smile, look deep into her eyes and feel the words you’re saying—because that’s the only way she will. Connect to her with your energy and you will notice a big difference.”

We practiced a few exercises until Mark knew what to do and seemed ready to put everything into practice. That’s when I asked him to take a deep breath and feel his body; to fully experience any nervousness he might be feeling. This might seem counterintuitive, but ignoring unwanted feelings, such as fear or nervousness, grants them power over you simply because so much of your heart is busy fighting them off. If you acknowledge and accept these negative emotions though, the pressure is gone and they lose all power to control you.

Soon, we headed out of Macy’s and into Bryant Park, where Mark found his next candidate fast—a cute exotic girl in a short white dress sitting on a park bench and scrolling through her phone. She had those slender, yet taught legs of a dancer and sported large, intoxicating catlike eyes. Possibly a mix between Russian and Filipino.

A tall, wiry man sat beside her, but not too close. It didn't appear they were together, but Mark still missed a step when the guy glanced his way. I was proud when Mark took a deep breath to clear his mind and didn’t stop until he said hello.

There was something different about his demeanor this time as he delivered the compliment. He smiled authentically. He took his time speaking, yes, but the pauses were clearly to take in her beauty and not strategize some witty line. He peered deep into her eyes and connected with her. Most of all, he was relaxed and at ease in her presence.

The girl smiled, like the women before, but her smile shined with a glowing sincerity and warmth. I could practically see the sparks fly, it was like something out of a movie. Mark was in the zone as he slid down on the bench beside her.

Mark was no longer thinking and analyzing what to say. He was in the moment and his senses were in tune to her. He was actively listening to every word she said, looking deep into her eyes with desire and awe, and fed back to her the same warmth and energy she radiated. He wasn’t even trying to get her number, only savoring her beauty.

And she could feel it.

I could hear her giggling and could tell she loved every moment. Even when he wasn’t talking, his calm masculine presence drew out her feminine charm and turned her on.

It was clear that she was into him, and since she had no other plans at the moment Mark suggested they grab an ice cream and take a stroll through the park. Without batting an eyelash, the girl agreed and off they went arm in arm.

As I followed, filming as discreetly as possible, I grinned as wide as the new lovers. This might have been Mark's first instant date, but it most certainly wouldn’t be his last.

What Do Women Want?

It’s the age-old question that has plagued men for centuries. The answer is actually quite simple, and we’ll get to it in just a second. But first, a quick lesson in human biology or this won’t really sink in.

As I mentioned before, we humans have two parts to our brains. There is the subconscious animal side, which primarily focuses on survival and self-preservation. And there is the conscious, rational side, which is tasked with deductive reasoning and learning.

For example, if you’re walking down the street and do a double take as you cross paths with a large-breasted woman barely hiding her wide hips in tight yoga pants, that doesn’t make you a pervert. That’s a perfectly normal biological and instinctual reaction. The animal portion of your brain is triggered by her reproductive “prowess” without conscious thought.

Of course, that doesn’t mean you’ve got a free pass to start frothing at the mouth like some cartoon character and try to sleep with every big breasted woman you see.

Our animal brains have evolved to help us find better mates so we can pass on our genes, while our human brain worries about the morality of it and warns against the consequences.

For example, a married man’s instincts might tempt him to sleep with a beautiful woman in his office, but his human brain will remind him of the consequences that would likely ensue, and the damage he would do to his marriage.

Which doesn’t mean the issue is settled just because the rational brain weighed in. Instincts are powerful and highly influential. It’s estimated that between 30-60% of all married individuals will engage in infidelity at some point during their marriage, and this number only includes the ones who have been open about it.

Despite the fact that our human brain warns us against infidelity, our animal brain is so powerful that it often overrides all reason and logic.

Now, this doesn’t mean that your life is out of your control. Awareness is the greatest power you can have. The knowledge that your decisions are based on unconscious animal instincts shouldn’t hold you back; it should free you, because you can now recognize when this is happening to you and take control, instead of just helplessly riding the waves of emotions.

Just as important, once you’re aware of your instincts and how they play a role in everyday life, you can make them work for you by appealing to the opposite sex on a far deeper level.

Which brings us back to my original question: What do women really want?

Research shows that, just like most men, the average woman’s instincts are constantly pushing her towards survival and reproduction. So, she is always on the lookout for a man that will help her to reach these goals, whether she is aware of it or not. She’s drawn to a man who can protect and provide for her and her offspring. Every woman is a bit different, of course, but the one underlying theme is that the female animal brain is searching for a male who makes her feel safe and secure.

At first glance, this might not seem that big of an issue. We live in an incredibly safe and comfortable environment compared to what our ancient ancestors experienced. But just because she doesn’t have to worry about getting eaten by a saber tooth tiger while gathering groceries doesn’t mean her subconscious has adapted to the new environment. As far as her animal brain is concerned, she’s still living in a small tribe surrounded by unknown peril and danger all around her.

So if you can demonstrate traits that conjure up feelings of safety and security, as Mark did, then she will be instinctively drawn to you. This is often true even if you don’t possess all the qualities that her logical “human brain” thinks she wants in a mate.

This is why a girl will say she wants a stable, honest guy who will treat her with respect and kindness, but then goes home with some overly aggressive, arrogant jerk from the bar.

My ex-girlfriend, for example, only dated meathead-type guys who were much taller and buffer than me. I mean these guys were like NFL linebacker big. She was likely attracted to their physical appearance and body structure because it triggered her instincts of feeling safe. So then, how was I able to win her heart even though I’m only average height and only 135 pounds at the time?

The answer is simply through my body language and vibe. Through non-verbal communication, I was able to make her feel safe even though I was much shorter and weaker than her normal “type.”

SAFETY AND SECURITY – THE GREATEST INFLUENCER OF WOMEN

This idea of making women feel safe really hit home for me when I was at a relationship seminar in San Francisco a few years back. The female relationship expert on stage asked all the men in the room, “When was the last time you felt like you were in danger?” Personally, I thought about a time two years ago when I was in Istanbul and had seen a man get shot in the middle of the street after a fight broke lose.

Most of the men answered that they hadn’t experienced danger recently. Which makes sense. For your average male, unless death was staring them right in the face, danger was just an abstract concept.

She then asked the women in the room the same question and added, “If it was within the last year, please stand up.” There were about 300 women in the auditorium. Every one of them rose. Then the speaker announced, “If it was less than 6 months ago, remain standing and everyone else sit down.” Only about 15 women sat down. Then she continued, “If it was less than a month ago, remain standing.” Again, only a few women sat down.

She continued, “If you felt like you were in danger this week please stay standing.” To the surprise of every man in the room, most of the women remained on their feet. Finally the speaker said, “If you felt like you were in danger today, please remain standing.” About half of the women didn’t waver.

I was shocked. Of course I knew intellectually that safety and security were important to women, but this was an eye opener. I couldn’t believe just how persistent the fear of danger was for so many women.

Safety is the reason women make most of their choices in life. It’s the reason many of them opt for big SUV’s, because while men look for power, speed and comfort when choosing a car, women usually focus on safety before anything else.

Safety is the reason they choose to shop where they shop or live where they live. It’s also why they choose to sleep with the men they sleep with.

I know girls who share their location with a friend before they go on a Tinder date, never go to a bar or party alone, nor walk alone at night. It’s not some vague feeling of unease. They are legitimately worried about their safety. Perhaps for good reason.

After the speaker made her dramatic point, I turned to my girlfriend sitting next to me. She hadn’t stood up with all the others, but I could tell from her tense body she wanted to. “When was the last time you felt unsafe, sweetie?”

I was expecting her to take a moment and cast about for some story from before we met, but to my amazement, she didn’t even bat an eye. “Last night when we got into an argument.”

That floored me. It wasn’t even a big fight, but the argument itself wasn’t what scared her. She was afraid that I might not be willing to protect her if she needed my protection simply because I was momentarily unhappy.

Just as shocking, here I’d been sitting next to her all day completely oblivious to her fears.

Why is it that a man could go years without ever fearing for his life, but a woman could feel existential danger almost daily? I’m not trying to belittle those legitimate fears women have… but it’s not like most of them are being physically attacked or directly threatened on a daily basis. Yet the fear for them is just as palpable and real as someone sticking a gun in their face. So where does the constant fear come from?

The root cause is back to that subconscious animal brain. The fact is that most women are smaller and physically weaker than men. Since the beginning of our species, they weren’t as well equipped to fight off physical threats in their environment. In this new world, they might not need a man for safety—and let’s be honest, most guys would be just as terrified as her in a life-threatening confrontation—but there’s usually a small part of her mind that keeps her from feeling true peace without at least the semblance of a man’s protection. Remember, we’re not talking about reason here, but about instinct.

Female Intuition - A Woman’s Sixth Sense

But this search for safety and security while being the physically weaker sex has given women a sixth sense akin to a superpower, that famous “female intuition.” Because a woman relies more on her subconscious to analyze her surroundings and pick up on threats ahead of time, she is always going to be far more sensitive to the context of any encounter with a strange man, rather than the specific content of what he’s saying. His verbal communication can lie. His non-verbals cannot.

Which should not be discouraging, because this also gives any man who’s aware of her needs a huge advantage. You don’t have to be six-foot, 200 lbs. and a former Army Ranger to fulfill her subconscious need for safety and security. Simply projecting strength of character and being grounded with your non-verbal cues (more on that in Phase III) is enough. Her sixth sense will pick up on your subtlety and attract her to you on an instinctual level.

Conversely, if your non-verbal communication isn’t sincere, if you’re “faking the funk” and don’t genuinely feel what you’re projecting, you can bet her female intuition is going to notice and raise some red flags.

The Biggest Attraction Trigger

So again, if you want a woman to feel attracted to you, just make her feel safe around you. Projecting strength and security at your first meeting is merely the first step though. You now have to keep making her feel safe for the attraction to lead anywhere romantic.

But exactly how do you do that?

One obvious thing you can do is to watch out for her safety. Hold her hand when crossing the street or place your hand on her lower back to guide her across. Walk on the side of the street closest to traffic and lead her by the hand through a crowd club. Be decisive and take the lead.

Those are some good practical examples, but what really makes you an attractive protector of women is your overall “beingness.” That means being unaffected and calm, especially in the face of adversity or tension. This will shoot your attractiveness to the moon, and don’t worry, I’ll teach you exactly how to do this in Phase II.

Let’s look at a real example. I had two clients recently, Spencer and John.

Spencer is good looking, drives a Lamborghini and lives in Orange County, California. He’s built like a model, ripped, uses steroids and has what Hollywood would call a perfect physique.

John, on the other hand, comes from a small town in Kansas. He has a medium-wage job, nothing in savings, average looks, average height and it wouldn’t hurt if he lost a few pounds.

Who do you think does better with the ladies?

Popular culture would tell us that Spencer, the physically attractive, rich, fit guy, should win any romantic contest. It’s just survival of the fittest, right? The strong eat the weak, and evolutionarily this makes sense because someone who is stronger can be a better protector, and someone rich can be a better provider. He should find it easier to attract women, and that’s what most men have been conditioned to believe, but that’s just not always the case, and I’m going to show you why.

Spencer was struggling to get dates and to keep women engaged in conversation because, despite his wealth and physique, he was unwittingly pushing every girl away. These women didn’t even need their sixth sense to see he was trying too hard to impress them with his muscles, good looks, fancy car, wealth, and status. On top of his boastful attitude, Spencer also had a very needy mentality, which made the context of every conversation scream desperation and insecurity no matter what wealth he showed off.

Women don’t like posers and can sniff one out in a heartbeat. Spencer was too anxious around women and was always trying to be the man he thought they wanted. That made him seem fake and approval seeking… and most definitely not a protector.

Spencer displayed too many negative qualities, like indecisiveness, emotional instability, pleaser, and nervousness, which made women feel unsafe around him. Their instinct kept telling them to flee. Anxious men, timid men, and men posing as something they aren’t make women cringe. Those men convey to women that they’re weak, overly invested, desperate, lack genuineness and need a woman to make them feel good.

Women have a million years of evolution behind them to hone their BS filter, so they’ll usually base their final decisions on whether something feels right or not. All his superficial advantages couldn’t overcome the gut feelings of insecurity women felt in Spencer’s presence.

John, on the other hand, who was far from the Christian Grey type women read about in romance novels, still ticked all the subconscious triggers women need to feel comfortable and safe.

When he approaches women, his body language is solid and grounded. He doesn’t try to please them or play any games. Instead he tries to discover what it is about them that makes them special. He strikes the right balance of confident, clear intention, but without coming off as needy and dependent, and so the women feel more secure around him.

Because John has grounded body language, seems solid and confident, has good eye contact, is completely comfortable around women, he can easily create sexual tension at will. He has girls eating out of his hand, so to speak. No, John doesn’t get every girl, but doesn’t seem to care. He’s just having fun and living in the moment, which the hottie’s he does bring home appreciate. Spencer though, usually goes home alone, discouraged, and defeated. And when he does get lucky, he drives her away fast with his desperation and clinginess.

So the point is, you don’t have to be the most attractive, strongest, tallest, or wealthiest because lasting attraction isn’t based on outward appearances or possessions. Looks and wealth might catch a girl’s eye, but she’ll flee fast if your personality doesn’t make her feel right. If you can stimulate the right emotions though, especially that of safety and security, you will win the girl nearly every time.

CHAPTER 2:
Speaking A Woman’s Secret Language

“Communicate with your behavior. Never overtly tell a woman anything. Allow her to come to the conclusion you intend.”

- Rollo Tomassi

It was day four of our seven-day boot camp in Budapest. One of our most anxious students, Alex, had made huge strides in just a few days, with over 15 new numbers in his phone and even a handful of instant dates.

Alex was a lanky, pale, online poker player from Finland with thick glasses and an awkward smile. On day one, he seemed so uncomfortable in his own skin that I almost had to hand him a barf bag before he talked to anyone. He had bad posture, consistently slouching due to his tall stature, and his social skills were lacking, to put it gently. That was all likely due to the years of sitting at home in front of his computer hoping to win a few bucks.

It was no wonder that Alex was 29 years old and still a virgin. No shame in virginity, of course, but this wasn’t a case of him just not finding the right woman. This was involuntary celibacy, but he was determined to finally feel the warmth of a woman before his 30th birthday.

It was a Wednesday night in Budapest and our group of four students and two instructors headed to Szimpla Kert, a trendy open-air nightclub on the culturally eclectic Kazinczy Street.

The students made heads turn as they entered the club with newfound confidence and charisma. The guys looked sharp and strutted in like they owned the place, a huge transformation from the timid group of boys I met just a few days prior.

Tonight the joint was filled with an international crowd of Europeans, Americans and Australians, and plenty of beautiful women to help sharpen their skills even more.

They fanned out instantly, approaching girls as we instructed. I’d given them a mission for the night: move five different girls, or their entire group of friends, to another section of the club within ten minutes of meeting. And as always, I brought my wireless microphone so that I could listen in and give feedback.

I first mic’d up Alex, who was eager to practice and implement my advice.

He zeroed in on an attractive redhead from Down Under And without hesitation, strolled over to her.

“Hi, I’m Alex.” Gone were his slumped shoulders or halting voice. He straitened his back, locked eyes with the redhead and spoke like he would to a close friend. “I don’t believe we’ve met.”

“I’m Heather.” Her cheeks blushed as she squeezed his firm but casual hand.

After an extended handshake, Alex introduced himself to her friends, and then focused his attention back on Heather.

After chatting a bit about herself, Heather gave a smile. “So where are you from?”

“Oh, I’m from the future.” Alex shrugged and flashed her a broad grin. “There was a horrible robo-apocalypse and I came back to tell you that our unborn child is the only hope for humanity!”

Heather burst into laughter as Alex grabbed her hand, pretending to pull her away from the group. Laughter, after all, is a great social lubricant.

They kept chatting and bantering back and forth like old friends before Alex suggested grabbing a drink at the bar. Heather accepted the invitation without hesitation. As she took his offered hand to stand up, she asked a simple question that turned everything upside down.

“So what are you doing here in Budapest?”

The next thing out of Alex’s mouth made me snort my drink out of my nostrils.

“I’m here on a dating workshop learning how to be more confident talking to girls.” Alex replied without batting an eye.

In all my years of coaching I’d never heard a student volunteer that information so freely. After all, needing a dating coach doesn’t exactly seem like an attraction trigger. However, confidence and not giving a fuck sure are. I silently applauded Alex’s honesty.

“Really!?” Heather threw back her head and guffawed. “I don’t believe you. I mean you seem pretty confident and good at talking.”

“It’s true. That’s my coach over there.” Alex pointed directly at me as I buried my face in my phone and hit random buttons.

“Wow, that’s crazy. I’ve never heard of such a thing.” Heather shook her head. “Why do you need a dating coach?”

“Because I’m 29 and still a virgin.”

I prayed Heather wouldn’t notice me in the distance as my mouth dropped. This wasn’t quite what I had in mind when I told him to be honest and genuine.

I never met a female gushing to her girlfriends about how she can’t wait to meet a “29-year-old virgin lacking confidence and social skills and needing a dating coach.”

Sighing, I stood up to go give Alex a pep talk as soon as the redhead ran away, but froze halfway off my barstool.

They were both laughing and rubbing shoulders as he ordered drinks at the bar. I had to turn down the volume on my headphones. Heather’s rapid stream of questions and giggles was hurting my ears.

I plopped back down and raised my glass in a little salute.

In retrospect, I shouldn’t have been surprised. It wasn’t about what he was saying, but how he was saying it.

Heather could feel that Alex was honest and genuine and didn’t need to hide anything or pretend to be someone he wasn’t. He embraced his weaknesses and just owned up to who he was with a “take it or leave it” attitude, clearly a refreshing breath of originality that made Heather feel safe and secure. What she saw was exactly what she was going to get from this man, with no nasty surprises in store.

Twenty minutes later, I met Alex in the bathroom to retrieve the mic and congratulate him on his progress. “You are doing great, man! I suggest trying to bounce her to another bar and I’ll grab some students to talk to her friends.”

The plan worked. Ten minutes later, I spotted Alex and his redhead walk arm in arm out of the bar as her friends enjoyed the company of the other students.

Two hours later, after two more students left with girls, my phone buzzed. I quickly opened it to see a text from Alex.

“I’m no longer a virgin!”

Make Her Hear What Isn’t Said

The most important thing in communication is hearing what isn't said.

- Peter F. Drucker

A famous study in the 70’s by Albert Mehrabian concluded that 93% of communication is nonverbal and only 7% is verbal. Now, I don’t believe that’s completely true in all contexts. For example in a lecture, the information conveyed is fairly important compared to the influx in tone or presenter’s posture. However, when we meet someone for the first time, there is no doubt that our subconscious puts significantly more importance on what the person’s body language is communicating. Especially for women, since identifying threats from a distance is an old survival trait.

Women know that words can lie but body language tells the truth. These non-verbal cues always reveal a person’s true thoughts, feelings and intentions. She doesn’t need to accurately predicate what’s going on in your mind. Just having a mismatch between your words and body language is enough to make her feel insecure.

For example, if your body language is timid because your mind is full of thoughts like “I need to impress her” or “I hope she likes me,” even if your words are clever, she’s going to subconsciously recoil.

Let this really sink in: attraction is communicated mostly through subconscious and non-verbal communication. Whatever sweet nothings or witty quips you whisper in her ear mean nothing if your non-verbal communication isn’t stirring her emotions and sparking feelings of attraction and connection. And it all starts from the moment you meet.

You see, when we first meet someone, our subconscious brain is sizing them up not just to determine whether they are friend or foe, but for how their relative “status” compares to ours. In chapter 5 we'll explore high status in detail, but the key thing to understand now is that our brains make a snap judgement about the other person, based on subconscious, non-verbal clues.

The Grammar Rules of Speaking Womanese

To bring this all together in a way that will help you “in the field,” just remember this:

1) Context over Content – She feels what you are not saying

Not only is she noticing how she feels about you, but she’s also interpreting how YOU feel. That female intuition is better than any lie detector. They are very in-tune to how a man is feeling, and they focus more on how he’s feeling than what he is actually saying.

For example, one guy could give a woman a compliment, such as, “You are very beautiful,” and the woman won’t feel it. She won’t feel beautiful because the words don’t match the emotion that the man is projecting. On the other hand, another man might tell a woman something that isn’t considered a compliment, such as, “Hi, my name is…” and the woman will feel his emotion behind the words. Without him having to say it, she’ll feel beautiful and desired.

2) Female Intuition - Women notice everything.

They will instinctively bristle at even the sweetest compliment if the guy’s body language is projecting nervousness, neediness or creepiness. On the other hand, simply saying “hello” with sincere body language, energy, tone, vibe, look in his eyes, etc., will make her feel turned on and radiant with just that simple gesture.

3) Emotional Contagion – What you feel, she will feel as well.

Ask yourself, “What am I feeling when I communicate with her? What vibe am I giving off?”

These are the most important questions when starting a conversation. You’re wasting your time with focusing on, “What do I say to make her want me?”

Emotions are contagious and women are quite sensitive to “infection.” So, if you’re feeling nervous and scared, she will pick up on your insecurity and feel the same way. However, if you’re confident, calm and every slightly turned on… she can’t help but catch the same feelings.

4) Talk is cheap.

Saying something attractive matters very little. Being something attractive though is what really matters. So let’s dive into the details of bringing out your most attractive qualities.

CHAPTER 3:
The Key to Attracting Women

“When adversity strikes, that's when you have to be the most calm. Take a step back, stay strong, stay grounded and press on.”

- LL Cool J

I was 27 years old and with my band days in the past, I was on a new path of helping men rediscover their manhood and become confident with women. Since I had such an incredible transformation from coward to Casanova, I had clients from all of the world seeking me out to teach them everything I knew about women and dating.

My new-found charm and charisma attracted a beautiful, petite, yet busty blonde, named Amanda, who worked in Las Vegas as an atmosphere model and bottle service waitress. A girl like this, who gets hired for her beauty, was someone I would have deemed way out of my league a few years earlier.

She was just the sort of girl I had spent my life dreaming about, but on one fatal night I felt like our relationship was in sudden jeopardy.

I was living in a small two-story condo in Newport Beach, California, with my drug addict roommate, John. His coke habit had turned him into the most unbearable person imaginable. A sweaty stimulant-fueled humanoid, who spoke at 100 miles per hour, kept me awake every night with his electro-house beats, and had more random mood swings than a menstruating teenage girl on Prozac.

I decided it was time to move out and get a place with my girlfriend in Las Vegas. I reasoned that Vegas would be much better for my business as well as my sanity. After all, who wouldn't want to learn how to meet and attract beautiful women in Sin City?

But there was a problem: my name was on the lease, which meant that if I moved then John had to move out as well, preferably nowhere near Las Vegas.

He didn’t like that idea.

The night before we were due to vacate the apartment, he still hadn't started packing. I was getting really annoyed because if he didn't move out I would be the one that would get stuck with his bill.

That night, he was at the club and high as a kite, as usual. Amanda was there and suggested we speed up the process by packing up some of his things in a garbage bag.

Needless to say, when he returned home, high and drunk, he wasn’t happy to find his things in a trash bag in the living room.

Red faced and with a vein bulging from his forehead, Josh let loose a hurricane of hate at me.

He got in my face, yelling and screaming at the top of his lungs. His arms wailed in the air like he was King Kong. His face was so close to mine that I could feel his saliva peppering my skin. I could barely breath over the stench of stale alcohol from his retching mouth.

He was so close that he inadvertently head-butted me.

Normally, I would have just socked him a good one and temporarily turned his lights off, but this situation was different. Not only was he high on coke, which would give him extraordinary energy, but there was a low hanging window right behind me, and we were several floors up.

If he pushed me through it, then I would probably die or be paralyzed. I was in deep shit.

My girlfriend was in the kitchen watching what was going on, with one hand grasping her phone in preparation to call the police.

Despite all the chaos, I don't know how or why, but for some reason I didn't feel anxious or tense. A deep sense of calm wrapped around me like a blanket. I felt fully in control of my body, mind and emotions. In fact, all of my senses seemed heightened like I was aware of everything around me. I didn’t know it at the time, but in that moment I was totally grounded.

I didn’t yell back nor did I back down. I just nodded and tried to share my sense of tranquility. “Hey man, let's talk about this. Everything is fine. I understand you are upset and I don't blame you. Let's just sit down and talk it out.”

“Fuck you, man! I'm going to kick your ass!” Josh roared and cocked back his fist.

I just kept my hands at my side. “Look, I know you’re mad. Shit, I would be too, but we've been friends and roommates for a while. I'm sure we can work this out.” As I said this I glanced at Amanda, who stared back with the widest eyes.

I thought for sure she was going to dump me. I assumed she must have thought I was a coward for not fighting him. But the probability of me going out that window was higher than I was willing to risk.

“Son of a bitch!” I didn’t budge while Josh stamped around in a little circle in front of me. I reached out and squeezed his shoulder.

“It’s going to be ok. We’ll figure this out, bro.”

Josh just collapsed onto the couch and buried his face in his hands. “Where the hell am I going to go now?”

I plopped down next to him and handed him my phone. Within a couple of minutes, he was calling up some family he hadn’t talked with in years.

While he cried and worked things out on the phone, I slid into the kitchen. The first time I felt fear was when I glanced up at her gaping mouth. I stiffened in preparation for all the ways she was going to call me a coward. I mean, after all, how could she feel safe and secure around a man that wouldn’t even defend himself?

She blew my mind by snuggling up tight against my chest and moaning.

“That was the sexiest thing I ever saw!”

“Huh?”

“Yeah, you totally took control of the situation and didn't let him affect you. I've never seen anything like that.” She purred and shoved me towards the door. “Can we go to your room now?”

This was an “ahh haa” moment for me. Little did I know I had just displayed the most important trait for attracting women.

Women Want a Man Who is Grounded.

The single most important thing you can be to spark attraction is not being rich, handsome nor brilliant.

Every woman has different tastes in men, but the number one masculine quality that makes every female from any culture or age feel safe and secure is a man who is grounded. This is the core pre-requisite to being attractive to any woman.

That means exactly what it sounds like. A grounded man is solid and unshakable, no matter what life, or women, throw his way.

Imagine a forest lashed around by a hurricane. All those trees are men. On a calm day, they all look alike: strong, powerful and unshakable. At least until a big storm comes. That’s when all the superficial leaves get stripped away and only those with the strongest roots will stay standing.

Funny enough, quite often that storm is the raw, wild and unpredictable force of femininity itself. Consciously or subconsciously, many women try to push their man down. Not out of spite—no woman wants to break her man—but out of an instinctual need to test her mate and feel his strength.

This is why being grounded is so critical. Not just for meeting women in the first place but having any sort of deeper relationship. She’ll never admit it, even to herself, but a small part of most female minds will try to create tension just to verify she’s safe with you. After all, if her man can’t handle stress from a smaller and weaker woman, then how can he protect her from something truly dangerous?

This crucial motivating factor is something most men never think about, and it shocks them to find out how important it is to women. Even most dating coaches never talk about this because they have no clue groundedness is such a universal trait women are looking for.

When you master this simple but all-important principle, you will be leagues above most men out there. I’ll never forget how this realization shook my world.

Tension Is A Grounded Man’s Secret Weapon

Before I show you practical ways to ground yourself, you need to grasp the all-important role that tension plays and how it makes or breaks all your interactions with women. Tension can involve any stressor, ranging from just being out of your comfort zone to facing mortal danger. The details don’t matter, only your reaction does. A grounded man isn’t just stoic in the face of tension; he seeks it out, embraces the stress… and wields it to his advantage.

Let’s look at TV host/comedian Jimmy Fallon. He's a man who appears very ungrounded and nervous most of the time. He doesn't seem sure of himself. He's always releasing tension by looking away, smiling or laughing. In fact, he was known on Saturday Night Live as the actor who always laughed when he wasn't supposed to. Pull up some interviews and watch his eye contact with his guests. He always breaks eye contact first to avoid tension. This is his form of humor and it works to get a laugh, but I don't know too many women who find Jimmy Fallon incredibly attractive.

Now let's look at another TV host/comedian, the 50-something, Scottish-American, Craig Ferguson. It can be argued that he has a similar level of physical attractiveness as Fallon, although Fallon is significantly wealthier and more famous. Yet, many famous female celebrities are outspoken about how attractive they find Craig Ferguson. If you watch him during interviews, you'll notice that he has an innate ability to handle tension with his guests, especially the attractive female ones. In fact, he will introduce the sexual tension and just let it sit there for a moment, while remaining perfectly calm and in control. Even without saying another word, women find him more grounded, more confident and more attractive.

Women instinctively desire a man who doesn't crack under tension, can take control and can handle the situation when the shit hits the fan. This is a man who is a leader and makes decisions quickly. When danger presents itself, she wants to know that he will make a decision fast and lead her to safety. If he is ungrounded and easily shaken, then he will likely panic, putting her life in danger.

The main job of our male ancestors was to hunt for food and protect the tribe. To do this, they had to constantly face dangerous situations.

What do you think the chance of surviving was if the cavewoman picked a mate who was scared of simple tension?

Nowadays, if you notice the jobs that women find the sexiest, it’s usually a firefighter, soldier, police officer, CEO or something similar. The one thing all these have in common is their ability to handle tension. These men are willing to run full speed ahead into the tensest situations and take charge. Even though it's uncomfortable and unpleasant, or in some cases even life threatening, they are going to get the job done no matter what.

Remember the movie Ocean's Eleven? It’s obvious the most attractive characters are Danny Ocean and Rusty Ryan. When shit hits the fan and their brilliant plan seems to be falling apart, what are they doing? They are calm, confident and grounded.

In one scene, Rusty is eating an apple as if everything is fine. Nothing seems to faze him. Even when he gets a punch to the face, he remains calm and is still smiling.

Yet, what do the less attractive characters in the movie do when things go awry? They panic. They sweat. They don't know what to do, so they call on Danny or Rusty for help.

A guy who isn’t grounded doesn’t make her feel safe because he’s neither calm nor confident during tense situations. He becomes anxious and afraid and can’t handle the tension. The same is true when he’s talking to a beautiful woman. His body tenses up, his nerves take over, and she can feel it. He breaks eye contact, talks too fast, laughs too much, and stands too far away, all of which breaks the tension.

It's your ability to step into tension and handle tense situations that makes you a man that women find attractive.

A masculine man is a master of tension. This allows her to completely surrender into her feminine nature. When you are grounded you are tapping into your masculine and you'll notice women around you will seem more feminine.

This is what happens with guys who are naturally good with women. They don't need to do or say much to attract a woman. A natural just shows up in his masculine grounded state, which allows women to be in their most feminine state. For a woman to be attracted to a man he needs to make her step into her feminine side. Only a grounded man can do that.

This is exactly why it only takes a few seconds for a woman to put you in the potential lover category or not. When you approach a beautiful woman for the first time, there is a lot of tension in that moment. If she gives you an objection or resistance, then there is even more tension. When she can feel that you are not afraid of the awkwardness and remain calm in the intensity of the moment, then she will feel that you are a masculine man who can protect her.

When I approached the woman with the “squirrel line,” it created a ton of tension, but she could tell I wasn't afraid of the stress in that moment. And even though it was a horrible opener, she could tell I was confident enough to say it, and I wasn't apologetic or nervous in my attempt.

Grounding Yourself

In modern Western societies, we don’t have any ritualistic passage into manhood. Young men are no longer cast out alone into nature or have to pass some dangerous test to prove they can handle tense situations.

And unlike ancient civilizations, we no longer have to hunt for food, use our physical strength work in a dangerous factory or build railroads, or get drafted to the military to fight wars.

Nowadays joining the military is no longer mandatory. We can work a cushy job and sit safely in our cubicle. When we want food we can visit a restaurant and have it served to us on a silver platter or just order online and have it delivered right to our doorstep.

Think about it. Without tremendous tension, how could a lump of coal turn into a diamond? It’s the same with creating a grounded man. With so little external pressure in our cozy modern world, it’s no wonder so many modern men will never harden and live up to their full potential. Now, I’m not saying you have to go out and join a fight club or enlist in the military, but you must dig your own roots and ground yourself in this cushy, tension-free modern world. No one and nothing is going to help. We are no longer forced to take life-threatening risks or get out of our comfort zone just to survive. In a lot of ways this is great because our lives are a lot safer and more convenient than past generations. But this type of society has also created a lot of soft, tension-avoiding ungrounded men…

Also known as “nice guys.”

The Nice Guy VS. The Bad Boy

Girls always complain about the bad boy, yet they prefer to sleep with him over the perceived nice guy almost every time. Why is that?

Nice guys tend to spend their whole lives avoiding tension. They stay in relationships that are unhealthy and they work jobs they don't like because it feels more comfortable than quitting and starting all over. Nice guys tend to avoid all the tension in life.

The nice guy isn’t grounded, so he always breaks when faced with tension, which makes her feel unsafe and not able to trust him. No matter what sweet nothing’s he whispers in her conscious ear, her subconscious will recoil at his disingenuous personality. Women are suspicious of a nice guy because he hides his intentions. He avoids tension by telling her what he thinks she wants to hear.

The bad boy says whatever the fuck he wants and barrels through any tension he creates. He isn’t afraid to express his intentions. Sometimes that’s a turn off, but more often than not she’s attracted to his genuine personality, even if it’s not the most “refined” or sophisticated. She can trust that what she sees is what she’ll get. The mere fact that he isn’t afraid of the tension created by showing his desires makes her feel safe on a subconscious level, even if her conscious mind is telling her he’d make a crappy long-term partner.

Now, I’m not saying that you should become an asshole. That’s counterproductive. At some point, she’ll ditch an immature bad boy in search of a real grounded man who can also be caring and reliable. There’s a world of difference between being an asshole that doesn’t care about anyone other than yourself and being a simple bad boy who doesn’t care if he “scores” or not.

Instead, embody the positive qualities of both the nice guy and the bad boy. It’s easier than you think. If you’re the nice guy type, don’t hide your intentions. Stop worrying what she will think about you if you show interest in her. Step into tension instead of backing down, while never losing your generous side.

Be a nice person who is reliable and who people can count on, while also being a man who is honest in his intentions and can step into tension when necessary. That is the perfect combination and women will love you for it.

Passing Her Subconscious Tension Tests

Her attraction for you will increase even more when she tests you and you pass those tests.

Remember, men have the ability to both keep a woman safe and also cause her physical harm. This is why it’s so important for her “survival” to test the man. When you pass her test and remain calm and nonreactive it allows her to trust that you won't physically or mentally hurt her, since you didn't get upset or emotional when she said something you didn't like.

Remember, women are not attracted to you because of what you say, but rather by who you are as a man. Even if she’s not consciously thinking about it, she can’t turn off her survival instinct that’s trying to figure out if you’re a potential threat or possible mate.

Now here’s the deal, she actually doesn’t want you to fail her test. She wants to see you win. She’s hoping that you really are a confident, masculine and grounded man.

She doesn’t want to break you down and knock you off your game. She wants to feel that she cannot break you or knock you off your game. She wants to know that nothing she says or does in that moment can shake your emotional state. So she may give you a small, “tension test.”

For example, she might say she doesn't like your shirt. If you get defensive or worried, that’s a red flag to her. If you just shrug and carry on like you couldn’t care less, then you’ve “scored a point” in her book.

Or she might say she has a boyfriend when she really doesn't. Naturally a tricky one, because you have to read her body language to gauge whether that’s a “back the hell off” warning or a test to see if you could fill that role. Either way, if you remain unflustered and relaxed, neither backing down with apologies nor pushing ahead like a horny teenager, you can’t go wrong.

Whatever tension test she shoots your way, whether a verbal jab or a cold stare, remember that she’s throwing you a curve ball to see if you are easily shaken.

The key is to remain grounded. That shows her that you aren't afraid of her and allows her to feel your strength as a man. When you stand up to her it shows that you can stand up for yourself and take charge of the situation. It allows her to step more into her femininity and surrender to your masculine presence. It shows her that you have control over your emotions and can remain calm under pressure. An ungrounded man, on the other hand, lets his emotions control him, which is a disaster because he will likely either overreact or retreat, ruining everything.

Think of James Bond when he is being attacked by the hot female villain. She is trying to stab him with a knife as he gracefully deflects. He's calm and poised while she tries her hardest to cause him harm. He deflects again, this time cracking a corny sexual innuendo. Finally, she gives up and in the next scene they are rolling around between the sheets. Yes, it's fiction, but a good example of male/female attraction and remaining calm and grounded during tension.

The cool thing is, when you become a grounded man, women will give you a lot less of these, “tension tests.” Their ability to read men tells them that you are being your true self. They might still tease and poke at you, flirting (details on that in Phase III), but they won’t feel the need to test you.

The guy that gets tested all the time is the guy who is using lines and routines to make her think he is confident, masculine and grounded. He’s hiding his insecurities, so she needs these tests as a way to discover them quickly. You definitely can’t blame her for that.

When I used to live in Las Vegas with Amanda, there was also another coach there who regularly ran boot camps in the club where Amanda worked. This coach would tell all his clients to go up to girls and ask, “Do you like horses? Because you look like this girl in school I knew that loved horses.” This opener went on and on, artificially driving the conversation by making her prove she wasn’t this “horse girl” from middle school.

The opener would have been fine it if was true, but it was fake and designed to make the guy seem cooler than the girl, thus hiding his shortcomings. Not a good plan.

Amanda heard this line more than once and was not impressed. She could sense the desperation, neediness and insecurity a mile away. As soon as she tested them by saying something that wasn’t part of their “script,” the guy would crumble and scurry away with his tail between his legs.

This is just one of the many stories Amanda would tell me about the barrage of needy, insecure guys trying to pick her up with canned lines and routines. Now, lines and routines can actually work fine if you are grounded and secure in yourself. Without grounded confidence though, even the best lines will fail. And even if you do get past the opener, if you aren’t grounded, then you will be easily shaken by the first objection or tension test she throws at you.

How To Instantly Ground Yourself

As you can see, being grounded is a life-long process of seeking out and embracing tension. Something you must practice every day to build confidence and stay unwavering in the face of adversity… but what happens if you falter in a moment of weakness? You’re not superman, after all.

Well, you can instantly reground yourself in any situation by following a few simple steps.

First, you need a method to snap yourself back into the present moment and get control of the emotions and thoughts rampaging around in your mind and body. You see, ungrounded people operate on autopilot most of the time. Their minds are drifting, moving between the past and the future and mostly just reacting to their environment reflexively. They also tend to get bogged down by constantly thinking about past failures or future worst-case scenarios. These thoughts, which are often not conscious, make them feel tense and nervous in even the slightest uncommon or uncomfortable situations.

So the first step to being grounded is to be fully mindful of the present moment. When you are mindful of what is happening right now in the moment, not the future nor the past, you can respond to the situation with a calm sense of clarity. Only in this state can you manage the stress caused by the cortisol running through your blood and turn off the fight or flight response.

It’s the same principle police academies and military boot camps drill into their recruits. And if this technique can keep you level-headed in a life or death situation, imagine the sexy self-control you’d have in a simpler “crisis,” like approaching a beautiful woman.

To put your mind back into the present moment you must focus on what is going on in the here and now.

Here are three tried and proven techniques used by Buddhist monks for centuries to bring your mind back to the present and keep calm under pressure:

#1 - Embrace The Feelings, Good And Bad

When you become aware of the physical sensations affecting you, your awareness goes from your head down into your body. This helps to quiet your mind and ground yourself into the present moment.

When you experience a strong negative emotion, such as anger, nervousness, regret, jealousy, etc., instead of reacting from an emotional place, simply pinpoint where in your body you are experiencing that feeling, and then allow yourself to experience it fully. Embrace the emotion, allow yourself to feel neutral towards it, and remind yourself that all unwanted feelings are temporary.

This allows you to be present with your emotions and embrace them, instead of constantly running from them. You’ll soon realize those nervous feelings are normal and natural, and will soon no longer control you.

This technique works incredibly well when you are feeling the fear of talking to beautiful woman, also known as approach anxiety. Most guys will try to fight the feeling or let the feeling control them, and therefore, not approach her. Instead, feel the nervousness in your body and allow yourself to experience it fully by pinpointing its exact location, describing the feelings to yourself, becoming acquainted with the feeling, and breathing into it and embracing it. Just remind yourself that this is normal and it soon will pass.

You’ll be surprised how this simple technique of allowing yourself to fully feel the negative emotion, gives you control over your mind and body and allows you to take action, despite the unwanted feelings. This simple technique is one of the main methods Buddhists monks use to stay grounded and centered all the time.

Take a second right now to feel the sensations in your body, and notice whatever you are feeling. This helps bring you back to the present moment.

#2 - Deep Breathing

Breathing is predominantly an unconscious mechanism controlled by your autonomic nervous system. However, when you can take control and breath consciously, it focuses your awareness on your body, bringing you back into present consciousness and thus, calming your mind and grounding your energy.

Start by taking 3 deep breaths. In through your nose, and out through your mouth. Fill up your lungs. Hold during the inhale for 3 to 4 seconds and release through a 7 to 10 second exhale.

The long exhale is the key component to relaxing your body and relieving stress. Professional free divers have a similar breathing technique to help them slow down their heart rate.

Take a second to do this right now.

How do you feel? Do you feel more calm and relaxed? Did the monkey chatter in your head stop?

Do this anytime you are in an anxious state, especially before approaching a woman.

#3 - Scan the Vicinity

Now that you are more connected with your body by embracing what you are feeling and focusing on your breathing, I want you to connect with your environment by scanning the vicinity around you.

Start by asking yourself, “Where am I?”

Notice the details around you and deliberately become more aware of your surroundings.

What do you hear?

What do you smell?

Engage each of your senses one by one. Make a conscious effort to smell and observe the air, see details that you didn’t notice before, and hear the faint sounds in the distance.

As you take in the world around you, there will be no room for additional thoughts and the monkey chatter in your head will go away, and you'll become more present in the moment. Take a second to do this now. Put the book down for 10 seconds and scan the vicinity around you.

This is a simple mindful exercise you can do anytime you aren’t present, as well as, the moment before you approach a woman.

When you are actually talking to a woman, instead of scanning the environment around you making you appear disinterested or distracted, your focus should be on her. So instead, connect with her eyes.

Making deep eye contact and noticing all the details in her eyes will bring your awareness to the present moment. Notice the different colors, the size of her pupils and the fine lines surrounding her eyes. This will force you to focus on her and she will feel that you really care about her and what she’s saying.

Remember: being grounded and present and your ability to handle tension are the single most important factors in making a woman feel safe in your presence, and thus, making her feel deep primal attraction towards you. And only when you are grounded can delivering a compliment, flirting, connecting or anything else you’ll learn in this book, actually work. Start implementing the strategies in this chapter right away and you’ll begin to notice women looking at you in a whole new light.

How To Stay Grounded Over Time

The second time I went skydiving I was still very nervous. My body was full of tension and fear. I was in my head thinking, “What if the chute doesn't open?!” I was trying to hide it as best I could, but I was definitely not comfortable and certainly not as grounded and calm as my instructor.

A few seconds after my instructor and I jumped out of the plane, free falling towards the Earth like a bullet, I felt totally present in the moment. I was devoid of thought and simply enjoying the sensations.

“Welcome to my office,” the instructor shouted with pride. He seemed to experience no fear when jumping out of that plane because he put himself in that situation over and over again.

This made me wonder whether he experienced fear when he approached a beautiful woman, or if he was just as calm and centered. My guess is that he probably experiences anxiety much less than the average guy who runs from tension at all costs.

I rarely feel any nervousness or even discomfort when approaching a beautiful woman. Because, just like the sky diver, I've been through the situation so often my mind and body are trained to know that nothing bad will happen. I've stepped into those tense and potentially embarrassing situations so many times that I’ve grown to love the tension.

However, years ago when I first started approaching women I hated the uncomfortable feeling. I would try anything to break the tension by standing too far away, talking too fast, breaking eye contact, fidgeting and sounding apologetic. Back then, I felt like I was interrupting women when I approached them on the street. With an attitude like that, naturally my results were slim.

But as I approached more and more women, I got used to it and I began to internalize the fact that I wasn't interrupting them. In fact, I realized that I was actually making their day by giving them a genuine compliment. As a result, my anxiety decreased and I became more comfortable, confident and grounded.

The more grounded I became, the more my body language improved. Without even having to think about it. My eye contact grew stronger. I stopped fidgeting. I was comfortable standing closer. I was slowing down my movements and speaking calmer. I looked and felt a lot more confident and in control.

As my results improved, I started playing with the tension even more by standing closer and leaving ever longer pauses with even more intense eye contact. The women seemed to love it.

You need to go through this process yourself to really feel the change.

Just like any new sport or skill, it is not going to be comfortable at first. But as you keep practicing, eventually you will become better at it, and your comfort, skill level and confidence will increase.

For example, think of your favorite athlete. When he goes to kick the ball or shoot the winning shot, do you think he is full of nervous and anxious energy? Probably not. He's calm, yet excited. He's grounded, yet energetic. He has practiced so many times that he is prepared for almost anything.

Practice and repetition are what makes you feel comfortable and grounded.

Seek Out Safe But Tense Situations Every Day

To speed up the process of becoming a grounded man who can handle tension, put yourself in tense situations on a regular basis. Make fear your friend and start conquering your fears one by one.

Make sure you are safe as you do it. If your fear is jumping off a skyscraper then make sure you do it with the proper safety or bungee gear. Jumping off with a parachute you made with an old backpack and a bed sheet is not ballsy, it's just stupid.

Start with simple things like holding eye contact with people as long as possible. Do this with strangers as you walk by them. You’ll notice most look away quickly, but a few grounded people will hold eye contact with you. It might feel awkward but remember that eventually the tension will break.

One time I did this exercise, while strolling on the boardwalk in Newport Beach, California, and I made eye contact with a guy standing outside his beach house drinking a beer. As I got closer, he held my gaze and I could feel the tension building. I was determined not be the first to break the stare so I embraced the tension and pushed the envelope. As I stood a few feet in front of this stranger, squeezing the tension until something had to pop, he finally said, “do I know you?”

I just smiled back and started chatting. Then ended up having a beer with him and his very attractive female neighbor.

Other ways to put yourself into safe but tense scenarios could be speaking up when you would normally stay quiet or by introducing yourself to someone of perceived “higher status.” Go to a bar, restaurant or club and ask to speak with the owner or manager. Then simply introduce yourself and tell him how much you enjoy his establishment.

I also recommend public speaking, joining an improvisational comedy group, going skydiving or bungee jumping, traveling alone or visit an open mic comedy night and getting on stage with no material prepared. Most of these activities will be out your comfort zone and will stir up tension in your body. Which is a great thing so start getting used to it.

Take a cold shower

One of the easiest and most effective ways to hone your nerves under tension is taking cold showers. Crank up the shower to its coldest temperature. It should be below 45 degrees Fahrenheit. Step in and try to remain as calm as possible. As the freezing water hits your skin like shards of glass, take a deep breath, feel the tension and embrace the feeling. Stay in for as long as you can, while staying as calm as you can. At first, this might feel like torture, especially early in the morning when you just wake up. You might only be able to last 10 seconds, but eventually you will be able to stay in for minutes at a time. If you can stay calm here, surely you can keep your cool in any less painful social situation.

If you cannot take a cold shower because you live in a warm environment then ice baths are even better. Fill a bathtub up full of ice and stay in for 90 seconds. When you get out you will feel amazing and be full of energy and later that night you will sleep like a baby.

Serenity

Another habit to help you become more grounded is regular meditation. Don’t be intimidated. This isn’t some elaborate skill you need to learn. In its simplest form, mediation is just sitting still and clearing your head for a few minutes. Turn off that analytical mind and focus on nothing but feeling the internal sensations of your body and noticing sounds around you.

So simple yet so powerful. Meditation helps you remain calm and centered in the midst of the storm. It will help quiet your mind, return you to the present moment, build patience and feel into your body.

Sure, there are many different techniques and forms of meditations you can experiment with, but if nothing else, just set aside ten minutes a day to sit quiet and focus on your breathing. There are plenty of guided audio approaches to make shutting off your mind easier, for example phone apps like Breath and Headspace.

The great thing about mediation is you don’t have to be good at it or do it “right.” Just trying, even if you can’t completely shut off your mind, will slowly calm you down and ground you in the moment.

Chapter Recap

1. Women unconsciously classify men first and foremost by the way they make them feel, whether safe or unsafe, regardless of the man’s other qualities. While every woman has her own preferences, the only universal constant is that she always feels safe around a grounded man.

1. Being grounded is the ultimate weapon in life and tension is your whetstone. The only way to keep this skill sharp and never dull is to seek out new sources of tension every day. This will drastically improve every aspect of your life, in addition to making you irresistibly attractive to women.

1. Women test men to to ensure they can can keep their cool and stay calm and grounded under pressure. Women quickly lose attraction for men they can easily rattle and emotionally affect.

Exercises

1. Start a daily mindful meditation ritual if you don’t already have one. Pick a time each day and stick to it. I recommend the morning or half way through your day. Start with 5 minutes and after a few days bump it up to 10 minutes… and then 20 minutes. Focus your awareness on your breathing. When thoughts enter your mind, simply go back to focusing on your breathing. This will help you control your mind and become more present and grounded over time.

1. For the next three days, anytime you notice your mind drifting use the three methods of deep breathing, feeling your body and scanning the vicinity, to quickly snap yourself back into the present moment.

1. And don’t shrug off the cold showers. Tomorrow morning, get the water as cold as you can and stay in for at least 20 seconds. If your water isn’t cold enough to make you shiver, then buy some bags of ice and take an ice bath. You may hate may now, but you will thank me after you’ve conquered this bit of tension.

CHAPTER 4:
Being a High Status Man

“Shallow men believe in luck. Strong men believe in cause and effect.”

- Ralph Waldo Emerson

I had just arrived in Medellin, Colombia and was starving. Without changing clothes or taking a shower in over thirty hours, I decided to drop off my things at the apartment and head down to the city for some food, despite my dirty clothes and foul stench.

Not a minute too soon did something enchanting catch my eye. A slender, yet curvy, tan, dark hair, dark eyed, Colombian “paisa.” She was walking alone, sipping a cup of frappuccino topped with whipped cream, and her catlike eyes and busty top, with clearly no bra, made my head do a 180 as she floated by.

“I’m in no condition to approach,” I muttered to myself. “I’m starving and I’m smelly…but what the hell? YOLO.”

“Un momento,” I said in a horrible gringo accent. She smiled patiently, waiting for more.

“Do you speak English?” I said with a glimmer of hope. She responded with a clear “no.”

It’s been over two years since that last time I was in Medellin. Could I still remember how to compliment a girl in Spanish?

I mustered, “Esto es muy raro, pero a ti vi aqui, y creo que, tu es muy hermosa.”

That seemed to work, as she smiled and responded, “Gracias.”

I introduced myself and tried to find out what she was doing now. “Que ahora haces?”

She understood, but my Spanish was bad and I had no idea what her response was.

Even though I couldn’t understand her, I was comfortable in her presence, despite all my shortcomings. This, by default, made her comfortable and instantly created a sense of rapport.

I attempted to qualify her with, “Cual es tu pasion? I love to play la guitar. Y tu?” using hand gestures to mime out me playing guitar.

“Soy enginero,” she replied.

Wow, not only was she absolutely gorgeous, but as an engineer, she clearly was also muy inteligente. She was winning me over.

I was still starving, so I invited her to join me to grab some food and a drink. Without hesitation, she agreed and off we went.

Even without speaking the same language, I could feel we had rapport. This was a nice reminder that communication between a man and woman is not about the words being said. It’s about what is felt.

At this point, I had probably approached around 5,000 women and I was very comfortable approaching, even if she didn’t speak English. I could tell my presence also made my new luscious Latina future lover feel very comfortable.

After we sat down at a nearby restaurant, we began playing one of my favorite date games, the Questions Game. We went back and forth using Google Translate to ask each other various personal questions.

After a few non-sexual questions, I decided to amp things up. “When was the last time you had sex?” I asked. To my surprise, she replied, “Tres meses,” or three months in English.

Her next question shocked me even more. “Prefieres el amor o el sexo?” which means, “Do you prefer love or sex?”

This felt like a test.

I typed into Google Translate an honest answer and showed her my phone, “Love is rare, so I value it more. But sex can be amazing even without strong feelings.”

She did not look happy. Her face went sour, she leaned back and crossed her arms. This was obviously not the answer she wanted to hear. But it was honest and I was not going to explain myself, even though rapport seemed to be broken. Besides, I knew that Google may not have accurately translated my text.

Oh well. I remained calm, smiled at her and waved down the waiter to get the bill. At this point I was contemplating whether to bail or not. It didn’t seem worth trying to recover, especially with the language barrier. After all, I really didn’t want to keep hanging out with her while feeling dirty and grungy.

At this point I had only known her for about thirty minutes and I knew it was too soon to invite her to my condo, but I really wanted to take a shower, so I decided to go for it. “I need to take a shower; you can come over, but no sex.” This was obviously ironic since she was the one who seemed to have hang-ups about sex without emotion.

I showed her the Spanish translation on my phone and she laughed, at my “no sex” remark. I emphasized the “no sex” challenge by wagging my index finger and said, “No, no, no!” Her bitter look softened and she relaxed into her chair.

Even though the tension left her body, I was still surprised when she said “Si,” to my request to go back to my apartment so I could shower.

But off we went. Although she didn’t jump on top of me the moment we entered my apartment, she did end up spending the night with me, likely because of the connection we both felt despite the language barrier.

From all the adventures I’ve had throughout the years, I’ve learned to always expect the unexpected. Women will surprise you, so never assume anything. And, this was yet another reminder that it’s not what you verbally say that counts, it’s about what you say non-verbally through your body language that turns her on.

Nine Steps To Master High Status Body Language

Let’s explore the specific ways a grounded man projects his high-status without saying a word.

Step 1: The Rule of Investment

It’s a universal rule in business or social situations that whoever is more invested in an interaction has the least influence. The person least invested has more control because they are more willing to walk away. Essentially, they don’t need anything from the other person, which gives them maximum leverage.

Think of a job interview, where the candidate badly wants the job and the owner of the company, who is interviewing the candidate, has lots of other potential candidates. How would they be sitting?

The candidate would likely be leaning in, making a lot of eye contact (or breaking eye contact out of nervousness and intimidation) and qualifying himself to the boss. The boss, on the other hand, would likely be leaning back, speaking less and far more likely to call the interview finished if they hear something they aren’t looking for.

So, keep in mind this idea of investment as we go through the following body language principles.

Step 2: Be More Comfortable Than Her

Your level of physical comfort tells everything about how invested you are and is the first thing she’ll notice. The more comfortable you are, the higher she’ll subconsciously gauge your status.

For example, have you ever noticed how most guys stand uncomfortably around girls at the club, while they are comfortably perched on bar stools? It’s clear that the men are actively trying to pick them up. The longer they stand next to the girls, who are more comfortable than them, the longer they sub-communicate their willingness to be uncomfortable just for a chance to talk with them.

An attractive high-status man doesn’t sacrifice his own comfort, for an extended period of time like that, just to talk to a woman. So anytime you approach a girl that is sitting down, either keep the conversation short and sweet, or pull up a chair next to her. Better yet, if there isn’t an opportunity to sit, then after a short introduction suggest that you two move somewhere else to talk.

Don’t obsess over the details though, since that’ll only make you subconsciously uncomfortable. For example, you may lean forward while the other person is leaning back because you are excited about what you’re saying. Don’t stress about every little detail. Get out of your head and focus on the overall context of how you’re communicating with her. That’s the only way to guarantee you’ll stay relaxed and in control at all times.

Step 3: Perfecting Posture

Nothing conveys a low status male more than slouching. Bad posture is an instant turn off, since fair or not, it signals weakness and insecurity…yet so many of us do it anyway.

Proper posture is attractive, both in males and females, because it conveys confidence and tells the world that you are proud of who you are. Smart clothes or bulging muscles are superficial qualities that don’t guarantee you’ll stand out from the pack of men vying for a woman’s attention. But projecting pride and confidence from your posture is a universal attraction trigger if for no other reason than it’s so rarely seen.

And yes, I realize slouching comes so naturally that we don’t even know what good posture feels like. I’ve had a few clients that overcompensated by puffing out their chest to an extreme, which made them look like they had a stick up their ass. Not exactly a turn on.

To know not just what perfect posture looks like, but how it feels, find a wall and stand with your back against the wall. Make sure your butt, shoulders and head are all touching the wall at the same time. Now, take a step forward without moving your head, back or shoulders. That’s how high status should feel and that’s how your posture should always be.

It might seem weird or unnatural at first, because you’ve been slouching your entire life, but this is high status posture, so get used to it. Your first few steps might feel robotic and stiff, but practice until walking and standing tall becomes second nature. Then you’ll start to see women noticing you and trying to catch your eye long before you approach them.

Remember, this is a lifestyle change and not something to try out when you see a pretty girl. One of the biggest culprits of slouching is our cell phones. Stop looking down at your phone. From now on, when you look at your phone, I want you to bring it up to eye level. This simple habit will take some time to master, and you will probably be the only one doing it, but it will improve your posture and relieve any tension in your neck.

Of course, when you are speaking to someone much shorter than you, or someone sitting down while you are standing, by all means bend your neck and look down at them. Just avoid bending your entire body down. Don’t sacrifice your posture just so they can hear you. Instead, speak louder.

I’ve seen a lot of my students hunch over and put their hands on their knees in order to get closer to a girl who’s sitting. At best, this uncomfortable posture makes you look like a silly schoolboy. At worst, it appears needy and untrustworthy. So don’t do that, ever.

Step 4: Open Up

You’ve probably heard that open body language is more confident looking than closed body language, but loosening up goes way beyond appearances. In the same physiological way that forcing a smile when you’re not actually happy releases happiness-inducing endorphins, acting confident and calm actually makes you feel relaxed and in charge.

One of my favorite examples is simply raising your hands above your head, in the victory pose position. If you’re feeling insecure, try that for a few seconds and your body will automatically release a small amount of testosterone and steady your attitude. So try that out next time you need a quick confidence boost.

I don’t want you obsessing too much about every little detail, but here are a few important “don’ts” to remember that will make sure you’re keeping open body language:

1. Stop crossing your arms. Crossed arms generally makes you appear closed off and unapproachable. However, there are a few exceptions. One is if you’re answering a particular question about yourself and you maintain a proud expression on your face. Another is when you are qualifying someone. This can make it extra challenging, as if you are really judging that person. Think of how the boss would sit if he’s interviewing the candidate for the job. Probably with his arms crossed, at least for a brief period. If you do cross your arms, only do it for a few seconds to get a subliminal high status message across.

1. Keep your hands out of your pockets. Unknowingly, women often perceive strangers, with their hands out of sight, as a potential threat. Does he have a weapon in there? Is he reaching for a knife? Since women are constantly concerned with their safety, this is a big no no when approaching. Burying your hands deep inside your front pockets also causes your shoulders to roll forward and instantly gives you bad posture.

If you have to do something with your hands, hang your thumbs in your pockets or belt loops and keep your hands visible. Even putting half of your hands in your back pockets is fine, because at least it helps roll your shoulders back, which straightens your back and opens up your chest.

1. Don’t play with your hands. Ideally, you’re keeping your hands casually in front of your body, but don’t clasp them together like you’re at church or fiddle about like you’re in trouble. That all makes you seem nervous and untrustworthy. A far better and more open position is just allowing your fingertips of both hands to touch. You’ll often see important people holding their hands like this when speaking to an audience.

1. Hold your drink at your side. If your hands are occupied with a coffee, beer or shopping bag, don’t hold anything up in front of your chest like a shield. This creates a subconscious barrier between you and the woman. Instead, keep whatever you’re holding down at your side to maintain your open stance. What’s the worst that can happen? Someone bumps you and spills your drink, which just gives you an opportunity to show how calm and grounded you are when you laugh it off.

Step 5: Take Up Space

Taking up a little extra physical space dominates a vast psychological space. This shows her you’re confident, comfortable in your own skin and aren’t intimidated by your environment. You don’t need to flail your arms like a monkey or “manspread” across three seats, but simply take up a little extra space to show you’re not afraid of claiming what you want.

So when standing, spread your feet apart instead of keeping them close together like a soldier at attention. When sitting, put one arm (but not both) around the chair or cushions next to you and keep your legs spread apart. When walking, take normal strides and let your arms swing naturally instead of shuffling about.

A good rule of thumb is to never let your joints touch. Keep your knees, wrists, ankles and elbows from crossing or touching each other. That means you should avoid crossing your arms or legs as much as possible.

It’s important to remember though that there’s a fine line between being sure of yourself and being intimidating. The goal isn’t to demonstrate aggressiveness or domination while strutting about like a rooster, but rather make her comfortable by showing her your non-cocky confidence in yourself.

Step 6: Your Feet Tell All

This might surprise you, but feet can tell quite a bit about someone’s intentions. People have a lot of practice suppressing their eye movements and facial expressions, but few ever think about their feet. If you’re wondering if someone is interested in what you’re saying or not, just look at their feet. If both are pointing towards you, then they feel comfortable around you and want to listen. If both feet are facing away, that means they have somewhere else they’d rather be. If one foot is pointing towards you and one is pointing away, then they are 50/50.

But this is more than just a way to gauge mood. Where you place your feet can even subtly influence someone’s mood when first meeting. When I approach a girl walking during the day, I like to be right in front of her. That way both of us have our feet pointing at the other on first contact, which forces her subconscious to evaluate my body language and decide whether she wants to hear me out or not. I’ve found this to work much better than approaching from the side or behind, where her feet will be pointing away and it’s easier for her to not engage. It might sound counterintuitive but approaching her head-on shows your intentions and demonstrates that you’re not a threat right off the bat. Plus, having our feet facing each other adds to the intensity of the opener and subconsciously makes her more invested in the interaction.

Of course, when I’m qualifying her, I take a step back and point one foot away to show that I’m not 100% sure about her yet. Try this out, because it helps convey the fact that people must earn your interest in them.

Step 7: Piercing Eye Contact

Eye contact is a sure telltale sign of status. It will show your comfort level and perception towards people you encounter. Can you feel comfortable, let alone attracted to someone who’s eyes are darting back and forth? On the other hand, when you meet someone who maintains strong eye contact the whole time, you can feel their confidence and make an immediate connection.

This doesn’t mean you need 100% continuous eye contact and stare at them without blinking. It gets creepy and uncomfortable when anyone takes eye contact too far as if trying to peer into your soul. Like all social mores, you don’t want too much of a good thing. So master the intensity by maintaining a strong gaze while adding in little break so you don’t wear them out with your energy.

Here’s a good rule to follow: maintain eye contact about 90 to 95% of the time when you are talking and about 70 to 80% of the time when the other person is talking. This shows the other person that they must work for your attention, and that you are not 100% invested.

Of course, there are exceptions. If you’re talking or hearing about something quite important, then near 100% eye contact is expected.

When you do break eye contact, do so in a slow and controlled manner. Looking away quickly or bashfully will make you appear nervous, thus lowering your status.

Step 8: Slow Down Your Movements

High status individuals tend to move slowly and with a sense of purpose. Exactly what you do with your body is less important than how you do it. A man of high status is as relaxed with strangers in a social setting as he is hanging out with his buddies in his own living room. He doesn’t fidget, show nervous ticks or make quick and jerky movements. Focus on slowing down and controlling your movements so no matter what you’re doing it comes off as casual.

For example, when you walk into a bar or club, instead of doing the average guy move of staring around like they’re lost or cruising in fast circles like a shark, stroll in like you own the place. Take your time as you walk in. Don’t look around like you’re searching for something. Head to the bar, a table or wherever with purpose. When you reach your destination, then feel free to casually scan your surroundings. Do it slowly, controlled and make sure you have a slight self-satisfied smile on your face. Just think, how would the owner look and move?

Similar to talking up space, slowing down your movements draws attention to you simply because most people move their bodies quickly and without self-control. High status people are not afraid to have all eyes on them. They’re used to it. So you better get used to drawing attention to yourself.

Step 9: The Perfect Smile

In the same way not smiling at all when getting to know a new person is considered rude, too much smiling is also a bad thing. Logical or not, in many cultures men are expected to smile only when they have a reason to. Don’t get me wrong, a charming grin is great and can be very disarming, but too big of a smile, doing it too often or not having a clear reason to light up are all ways of releasing tension. At best, you’ll seem uncomfortable with tension and trying to cover it up, but at worst you’ll appear fake and untrustworthy.

Just like anything in your arsenal, don’t overdo your smile or it loses its effect. Let people earn your grin and they will appreciate it even more.

A great alternative to a cheery smile is a proud, self-satisfied smirk. Or try out a sly devilish grin. For a high-status man, these are facial expressions that are always justified. Studies show that women are attracted to men with a prideful look more than any other facial expression. So instead of smiling all the time, flash your best prideful smirk.

Nuts and Bolts of Talking to Women

Once you’ve taken the control of your body language away from your subconscious, it’s time to master talking to women. I’ve probably said it a hundred times already, but I can’t stress this core principle of speaking the language of attraction enough: How you say something is a thousand times more important than what you say.

The sweetest, most heart-wrenching love poem might as well be a cheesy pickup line if you mumble it quickly and quietly. On the other hand, even chatting about the weather can peek a woman’s interest if you’re speaking with casual and commanding confidence.

So here we’ll dive into the specifics of exactly how a high-status man talks to women. We’ll cover specific ways to flirt and turn the conversation sexual in Phase III, but none of those techniques will work until you have the three fundamentals of verbal communication down pat.

Volume – Turn up the confidence dial.

Speaking loud and proud is important not just to make sure she understands you, but also so she can feel your confidence. Most guys don’t want to come off as obnoxious, or they want to minimize “embarrassment” if she turns them down, so they often try to match a woman’s naturally quieter speaking volume. This may spark suspicion or pity from her, but rarely attraction.

From a woman’s perspective, a strange man she just met that’s talking in a low volume is either scared and lacking confidence, or he’s up to something and doesn’t want others to hear what he’s saying, which makes her feel scared. Either way, arousal is the last thing on her mind.

Obviously don’t shout, but also don’t worry about scaring her off by raising your voice. And most definitely don’t care if outsiders hear you. Speak up and own what you’re saying at all times.

Speed – Slow is smooth.

The next huge problem I notice in my boot camps is when guys speak way too fast, which makes them come across as nervous and unsure about themselves. That’s not always the case, but nonetheless what she’s hearing from the speed talking is the man’s afraid she won’t stay and listen to what he has to say. Regardless of the words, she’ll feel you aren’t confident in your ability to hold her attention if your mouth stops running.

So it’s crucial she feels your confidence instead of your worries. Take your time saying your piece. Enunciate your words and pepper your speech with short, tension-building pauses. Most men don’t take their time when talking to her, so she can’t help but feel a little intrigued.

This doesn’t mean you should speak in slow motion or with a trace of hesitancy. The exact opposite, in fact. Speak carefully but also casually, as if you were telling a story. Make sure to leave one or two second pauses wherever you would use a comma. This suspense-building approach really peeks her interest and tickles her intuitive female need to hear your “tale,” even if you’re just saying hello.

If the setting is right and your body language is making your intentions clear, this also creates sexual tension without actually saying anything suggestive, simply because sharing a moment of intimate silence with a stranger is tantalizing. Even if that moment is just a brief second, it’s not something she experiences on a regular basis. Oh, maybe she’s married or otherwise not in the mood, but you can bet she won’t forget that little thrill you made her feel.

If you’re wondering how to reconcile “always be confident” with “give a lot of pauses while talking,” there’s no contradiction. It’s all about where you break up your speech. Long pauses between thoughts comes across as nervous, but pausing in the middle of a sentence, when it’s obvious that you have more to say, creates a cliffhanger effect. Her female intuition will kick into high gear and try to anticipate what you will say next, which gets her fully involved in the “story” you’re telling.

For practice, read this sentence out loud and pause for two seconds every time you see the word pause:

“Hey real quick, this is a little awkward (pause) and I know you are shopping (pause) but I just saw you here (pause) and I had to risk embarrassment and at least say hi”

Does it feel a little too slow? That’s good, because I want you to slow things down to the point that pauses feel too long and a little awkward. Then slow it down even more. That’s usually the perfect speed for you to speak.

In the same vein, don’t rush to respond after the woman is done speaking. Most guys answer so quickly that even if they don’t cut her off, it still feels like they were just waiting for her to “shut up” so they could talk about themselves. Instead, take a second or two to think about your response first. Taking your time shows that you really care about what she said and putting some thought into your response. That is so far beyond the normal male urge to avoid tension and fill the awkward silence, that she’ll feel intrigued, respected, valued… and even desired. Not to mention when you wait a second or two to respond, it also shows you are comfortable and confident in the silent tension, yet again demonstrating your sexy groundedness.

Tone - Don’t be afraid of your “power voice”

Using a submissive or excessively sweet vocal tone is a big mistake I see my new students make in boot camps, right alongside maintaining poor eye contact and speaking too fast. I get it, I do. Even if they aren’t nervous, most guys don’t want to come off as a pushy jerk. They want to be the “nice guy,” the gentleman that makes her feel safe and respected. The problem is they’re creating the opposite emotion.

Stop sounding pleasing and accommodating. When your tone goes up at the end of your sentences, like everything you say is a humble request, you are not making her feel comfortable. The best you can hope for is that she interprets this submissive tone as just you lacking confidence. Maybe she’ll think you could make a “nice” friend, but that’s it. However, if you keep doubling down on that low-status tone, her female intuition is going to bristle and make you feel untrustworthy and fake. Maybe even a potential threat.

I know it’s not fair, but that’s the incredible influence your tone conveys, with both men and women.

On the other hand, if you slow down and think about your tone, you can wield this influence to project positive feelings, no matter what you’re saying. If you’ve ever seen a professional public speaker, business leader, police officer or Army sergeant command an entire room just by changing the pitch and tone of their voice, then you know what I mean.

Exercising your own power voice doesn’t require a complicated study of linguistics though. For our purposes, there are just three types of tonalities: powerful, submissive and neutral tone.

Submissive tonality is when the ends of your sentence go up in pitch like you’re asking a question. It makes you sound unsure of your own words or desperately seeking rapport. Basically it screams, “please like me.”

But you can avoid this by just not raising the pitch at the end of your sentences. Instead, practice neutral, where your pitch stays even, and high-status tonality, where your pitch drops at the end of a sentence. Sticking with a neutral tone, punctuated by a powerful tone to emphasize specific points, and all in a slightly louder than average volume is what makes a command voice so useful.

Note that a neutral tone doesn’t mean monotone. You should talk with enthusiasm and passion in your voice. You don’t want to sound like Ben Stein from Ferris Bueller's Day Off. In fact, monotone sounds tend to put us to sleep. Neutral tone simple means you neither go up nor down at the end of your sentence

A powerful tones, on the other hand, inflects down at the end of the sentence. For example, when giving a command like, “Listen up!” Even when delivered at a normal volume, this tone sounds authoritative. Naturally, if overused, you may come off as condescending or aggressive, but interspersing a high status power tone occasionally with your neutral tone is far more attractive to women.

An easy way to remember this is to think of tone as verbal punctuation at the end of your spoken words. Try this exercise by saying each line out loud using each of the three tonalities:

“I just saw you over here and I wanted to come over and say ‘hi?’”

Say it out loud with a submissive tone (pitch goes up at the end of your sentence). No repeat it with a more neutral tone (no change in pitch at the end). One last time, this time say it with a powerful tone (pitch goes down at the end).

Which do you think sounds more attractive to a woman when a man comes over to say ‘hi’?

To master your tonality, I recommend recording yourself. Next time you have a conversation with someone, record the conversation on your phone and listen to it carefully. When I first started studying my recordings, I was shocked at how many mistakes I was making. I was so focused on confident body language, I didn’t even notice my tone was making me sound like a scared little boy. Another great option is to have a dating coach review your recordings and give you feedback.

Our coaches are happy to help, and as a bonus for reading this book we will do it for free! That’s right, at the end of the book we’ll have a link where you can jump on a Breakthrough Call with us so we can assess your current situation, figure out how you want your dating life to look, and craft the fastest plan to get you there. But, you must read this entire book to get it, no skipping ahead.

Your Psychology Determines Your Physiology

I don't want you to over analyze your body language or obsess over having the perfect tonality. Because when you do that, you will be in your head instead of being grounded in the moment. Fortunately there is a much easier solution.

What you are thinking and feeling in the moment, and your overall beliefs about yourself, will be quite clear to a woman through your body language and nonverbal communication. If you are feeling grounded and allowing yourself to feel attracted to her, instead of hiding your intent, then your body language tends to fix itself automatically.

If you are thinking, “Oh shit, there's a hot girl, wow she's so hot. Okay I'm going to approach, but it probably won't work” or “she's probably going to reject me,” then guess what? That thought pattern becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy and she probably won't be turned on by your approach.

Those self-defeating thoughts come out in your body language and vibe. Your body will appear timid, weak and small. Your voice will sound low in volume, high in pitch, and fast in speed. Your overall vibe will project desperation and fear, no matter what confident words you’re saying.

However, if you walk up to her thinking, “I'm going to go make her day and see if she meets my standards,” your body language will be completely different.

You'll project more confidence and charisma. You'll be more grounded and poised. That high-status body language will come naturally because you'll be feeling great about yourself and excited to chat her up. And that energy is contagious.

You’re driving thoughts should be, “it gives you pleasure to give women pleasure,” and “let’s see if I’m into her or not.” These thoughts and mindsets will drive your words, your actions and body language, which allows your desire for her to naturally be expressed. She might not be able to read your mind, but she will feel your intention and it will turn her on.

Style – WE ALL Judge A Book By Its Cover

For better or worse, humans have been conditioned for eons to make snap judgments about a stranger’s status and inner character based upon just the cloth covering them. That’s why style—everything from your haircut to shoes—is a crucial aspect of nonverbal communication.

The way you dress might not mean much to you, but other people will read volumes about you from your choice of garments and stick to those first impressions whether they’re accurate or not. Especially women, who often assume clothing is a physical representation of someone’s personality or mood.

In fact, if there was anything close to a magic pill when it comes to attracting women, style would be the main active ingredient. A man with a poor or sloppy sense of style who suddenly starts dressing better can drastically increase his attractiveness overnight with some simple cosmetic tweaks. Now obviously I’m a strong proponent of more fundamental life changes like holistic self-improvement and hitting the gym… but I’m a realist as well. Which means no self-improvement program is complete without doing some shopping.

Remember, we’re not talking about falling in love, just establishing initial attraction between two strangers. She doesn’t know about your strengths, successes or character yet. All she has to go on when she first sees you is your body language and sense of style, so make it all count if you want to progress to the point where she admires you for your deeper personality.

While the specifics of style are incredibly subjective, and vary from event, season, location and a million other factors, some style rules are universal. So stop and look in the mirror before you head out and answer the following questions honestly:

1. What is your style conveying about your attitude and personality?

2. Does it show something exciting, like you’re edgy, mysterious or kind of a badass?

3. Does it show something negative, like you’re lazy or don’t care about your appearance?

4. Is this what a confident, easy-going and high-status man would wear or are you trying too hard?

A few quick tips on improving your style:

1. Go shopping with a woman or at least ask multiple women their opinions. They don’t always have perfect suggestions, since they have their own tastes, but their advice is invaluable to discover weaknesses in your current style. You’ll discover things about what a woman is looking for in your style that you likely never even thought about.

2. Copy mannequins at the stores you like, since these models are usually staged by professional visual experts to convey a certain vibe. Instead of mixing and matching items, you can often just purchase the entire outfit on display.

3. Make sure your clothes fit. The coolest shirt in the world is a turn off if it’s too tight or too loose. I recommend getting at least one outfit professionally tailored. You’ll be amazed at the difference.

4. Invest in nice shoes. That’s one stereotype that’s quite true: women pay careful attention to your footwear. I have met women that complained about how they were so hot and bothered by a man, but couldn’t bring themselves to sleep with him because of his terrible shoes. It may be seem shallow but a woman with options can easily disqualify a man for something that may seem trivial to me or you.

5. Don’t wear sandals or open toe shoes unless you are at the beach.

6. Have at least one or two attention getting pieces. Mix up your basic outfits with some attention pieces, such as: a stylish jacket, scarf, a nice watch, necklace, hat, bracelets, rings, etc. Don’t overdo the bling, unless you are in a rock band, but a few attention pieces will show that you care about your appearance and can give a reason for woman to approach you.

7. Invest in a nice suit. So many women have told me that a man in a smart, well-tailored suit is the equivalent to a woman in lingerie. So suit up!

Again, being well-dressed is no substitute for a fun personality and living a grounded life, but if you want to get your initial interaction with an attractive girl off on a high note right away, you have to dress the part. You’ll notice a total shift in responses from women after you improve your style.

We also have some videos from professional style experts on our @TheAttractiveMan YouTube channel to help improve your style, as well as many other subjects on women, dating and lifestyle. Visit our channel at http://www.YouTube.com/TheAttractiveMan.

Vibe – the essentials of Speaking Womanese

What the hell is vibe exactly? Many men think it’s a particular attitude or personality trait, but your vibe is actually the sum total of all your nonverbal communication. It is the overall way that you carry yourself. It’s your demeanor.

Everyone is giving off a vibe at all times, whether positive or negative, but a grounded man who puts some thought into how he talks, how he walks and how he dresses has that special je ne sais quoi vibe that women flock to.

Or put another way, it’s not simply your suit, your squared shoulders or power voice that attracts people to you. It’s the complete package that radiates a radio-like signal that females “tune into” on a subconscious attraction level. While every woman has their own unique vibe preference that turns them on the most, there are five universal traits found in every attractive vibe. I call these the five P’s:

1. Purpose

2. Passion

3. Presence

4. Positive

5. Peaceful

Purpose

A grounded man knows what his purpose and life mission are. He’s probably not even close to accomplishing those goals yet, but he’s on a path to achieve them.

Both women and other men can sense if a guy has a guiding compass for his life that steers him in the right direction in every situation. This is what makes males look up to and follow such a man, and makes women vie for his attention.

And the great thing is, this doesn’t require you to achieve some transcendent level state of nirvana. Just define your purpose, even in a general sense, and set small daily goals that bring you closer to your objective. Every time you achieve a goal that is in line with your purpose you will gain confidence. A form of enlightenment, if you will, that others can sense in you. The closer you get to your ultimate goal, or purpose, that confidence will increase even more.

If you don’t know what your life mission or purpose is yet, then there you go: your mission is to discover your life’s purpose. That’s an epic and rewarding quest in and of itself. A great way to discover this is by immersing yourself in all kinds of experiences. Try traveling to different countries, or take different classes in your city, or do some philanthropy work and see what spikes your interests.

For example, when I was younger and played in a rock bank in Los Angeles, my life’s purpose was to perform music on stage that had a positive message. And of course, try to be a famous rock star. A lot of my dreams and aspirations came true after my band and I toured with Linkin Park and appeared on MTV.

Now my purpose as a dating coach is to help as many people as possible and be the world’s most transformative and world-renowned dating coach for men. That might sound egotistical, but that is my guiding compass to know I’ve impacted the most lives possible in a positive way. As I write this book, I’m still very far from my goal, but it drives me to work harder and up my game every single day.

A man without purpose is a man who is dead inside and just going through the motions of life. A man with a purpose, who sticks to his mission no matter what, radiates energy. He’s a raw force of nature and women can’t help but get sucked into his unbridled passion.

Passion

When you are on your purpose in life you will exude passion even without speaking. You’ll be excited to wake up every single day. You’ll jump out of bed eager to tackle the problems of the day. You’ll have an insatiable hunger in your voice, in your walk, in your eyes, and in everything you do.

One of my passions is to help guys overcome fears and anxieties that are holding them back from getting what they want. I get so hyped up when I’m teaching a boot camp because it isn’t a job. I want these guys to succeed. The fire inside me ignites when I see their whole lives transform right before me, and it’s that fire that keeps me going.

I’m also passionate about traveling and have been to over 78 countries at the time of writing this book. My goal is 100. I just love variety in my life, and the cultural differences across the world never ceases to amaze me. I love to go from Japan to India to Sweden to Colombia all in one month, just to experience a plethora of cultural variety.

What are some of your passions? Your work doesn’t have to be your passion. In fact, it’s fine to be in a job just to pay the bills if you are saving up for something worthwhile, like traveling the world or starting your own business. But since many men link their careers to their identity, when a woman asks you about your job, you better have a rich and passionate answer. A woman will dry up faster than the middle of the Sahara with an answer like, “I’m an accountant. It’s not bad.” Especially if delivered in a lackluster, soft-spoken voice while you slump your shoulders.

Always talk about your career with enthusiasm and give a reason why you love it. A passionate answer that gets her attention would be more like: “I’m an accountant and I love it because I always loved math and numbers and every day is full of new fun challenges.”

Even if you hate your job and it’s just a means to an end, then talk about your real passion instead. “Oh, I’m an accountant… for now. It’s not my passion, but I’m saving up to travel the world because I’m ready for adventure and freedom in my life.”

If she can feel your raw passion, then she’ll enjoy your presence.

Presence

Being grounded and fully present in the moment is the key to truly connecting with others in a deeper, subconscious way. When your mind is somewhere else, thinking about the project that is due at work or the laundry you need to pick up later or even contemplating whether she likes you or not, your awareness isn’t fully focused on her. Your reactions may only be delayed by a millisecond, but that’s ample time for women to intuitively pick up on it.

I don’t mean just avoid distraction. When a guy puts a woman on a pedestal, thinking he needs to win her over, he instantly leaves the present moment to come up with the best response or witty remark to try and impress her. His mind is in the future thinking about what he should say next and she’ll sense you’re not 100% there with her, reacting and responding in the moment.

When you’re speaking to someone make sure you are fully present. When you notice that you are in your head, remember the grounding exercises I told you about earlier: take a deep breath, feel your body and look for details in her eyes. This will snap you back into the present moment, improve your overall vibe and keep things positive.

Positive

Nothing kills an attractive vibe faster than negativity. The only people that love to be around negative people are other negative people. So what if your waiter is a little slow? Who cares if your Uber is late? Did someone bump you and slosh a little beer on your expensive new shirt? Being negative isn’t going to improve the situation. Only positivity can salvage even the worst situations.

Being a “Negative Nelson” on a date is a surefire way to ensure you do not get a second date. Sure, maybe she’s doing some complaining and wants a sympathetic ear, but no woman wants that negativity returned. They’re looking for happiness in their lives, not sourness. So even if the bar is out of Tequila, or service is shitty, or you spill Bloody Mary all over your white button-up, it’s not the end of the world. It’s not even the end of the date… unless you make it the end by bitching and moaning. Never sweat the small things.

Get in the habit of looking at the glass half full and finding the positive in any situation. In the same way nothing in life is totally perfect, no moments in life are 100% negative. Unless someone’s dying, you can always find a silver lining if you stop and think for a second.

This life changing principle of positivity should be an entire book in itself, but here’s the key takeaway: just know that negative thoughts create negative behaviors. Catch yourself thinking negative thoughts and get in the habit of finding the positive in whatever you were thinking before that sadness or bitterness comes out in actions.

You don’t even need to read the ample studies showing that positive people are more attractive than negative people. Positive thinkers just have the warming glow and radiance about them that attracts others like moths to a flame. In this hectic, crazy world everyone is searching for a little bit of positivity and peace.

Peaceful

The ultimate manifestation of an attractive vibe is the grounded man remaining peaceful in a world of chaos. When things don’t go your way, instead of getting angry or worried, remain peacefully anchored and unaffected. What’s the one trait every hero in history shares? What men admire and women swoon over? They all kept their cool when the world turned to shit around them.

When you learn how to control your reactions, you don’t let your emotions control you or react emotionally towards others. The person who reacts less in an interaction is the one who has more emotional power over the other.

Be in control of your behavior at all times. A man who responds reflexively to fear and anger is a dangerous, unpredictable slave to emotion. A man that can tamp down his fear and anger and think clearly though is a living legend.

It’s fine to feel emotion, absolutely, but take a second to center yourself before you react or they will control you, instead of you controlling the situation.

For example, if a woman says something to get an emotional rise from you like, “Go away” or “Fuck off!” don’t get angry or apologetic. Take a deep breath and respond peacefully with, “Don’t threaten me with a good time.” The point isn’t what you say, in fact, you can just turn and walk away. But make sure to control your rage. A man in control is sexy. And don’t forget, there are plenty of other available women nearby watching the exchange with interest.

You probably won’t get a lot of “Fuck offs!” in your life or something’s off with your vibe, but even the most attractive man will get objections from women. That is a guarantee because even if you managed to only approach single women in a good mood, she’ll still want to test you to ensure you don’t crack under tension. She might say she doesn’t give out her number, or that she has a boyfriend, or turn away from the kiss, or a million other objections.

These “Tension Tests” are her way of testing your reaction to see not just if you’re a threat, but how emotional you are. If you respond with anger, nervousness, disappointment or any other negative emotion, she will lose her attraction. A woman can’t feel safe around a man whose emotions are so easy to manipulate and has so little self-control.

This is why being grounded is so important. A grounded man is fully in control of his actions. When emotionally charged situations arise he can respond from a place of peace, not anger or resentment.

A woman doesn’t want the Incredible Hulk, because a rage monster is threatening to her safety. She also doesn’t want the scared timid mouse. She wants the strong lion.

Chapter Recap

1. What you say to a woman is the least important aspect of communication. How you say it, what your body is doing while you talk and how you convey your personality make all the difference when projecting confidence and desire.

1. To project confidence with your voice: talk louder, slower and with a downward inflection at the end of your sentences (a command voice). To show confidence in your body language: take up physical space, maintain good posture, don’t cross your arms and legs, slow down your movements, maintain eye contact, have a proud smirk on your face and generally be more comfortable than her.

1. Projecting and maintaining an attractive vibe is not a particular thing you do, but rather the sum total of your style, body language and the way you talk. All of which are influenced by how grounded you are and your overall outlook on life.

1. You can’t fake an attractive vibe, at least not for long. Real success comes from finding your purpose in life before you meet a woman and then roping her in with the passion, presence, positivity and peacefulness that naturally flows from a grounded man with purpose.

Exercises

1. Set your timer to go off every 30 minutes. This will be a “trigger” to remind you to straighten your posture. Every time your alarm goes off, put your shoulders back and straighten your back. Or, better yet if you can, place your back against the wall with your butt, shoulder blades and head all touching the wall and take a step forward. After you have straightened your back go back to what you were previously doing. Do this every day for five days in a row to help you maintain better posture so you always stand and sit up straight.

1. For the next three days, every time you order food, coffee or interact with anyone in customer service, tell them what you want in a dominant tone. Make sure your tonality goes down in pitch at the end of your sentences. This will help you get into the habit of talking in a dominant (high status) tone and eliminate the submissive (low status) tone.

PHASE II: APPROACH ––
BREAKING THE ICE AND MAKING A LASTING IMPRESSION

CHAPTER 4:
She Wants to Feel Your Desire

“Ultimately, it is the desire, not the desired, that we love.”

Friedrich Nietzsche

Now that you are more grounded and she feels safe in your presence and your body language is projecting confidence and high status, let’s ramp up the attraction by learning how to turn women on with your masculine presence and show your interest for her in a way that gets her turned on within seconds. Sounds unbelievable, you say? Not for a grounded man, it isn’t. By showing his clear, honest and direct intent, he can create desire and start building sexual tension in a woman at will. And the best part is, that’s what she’s hoping for.

“Being desired is the real orgasm,” says Dr. Marta Meana, who’s been studying women and sexual desire for over 20 years. “I'm not knocking orgasms, but being desired is extremely arousing for women. The reason is that being desired means that a man doesn't just want to have sex. He wants to have sex with YOU.”

I’ll give you one of my favorite examples from my Newport Beach days...

There was something very different about this girl.

She looked like your typical California bombshell with wavy blonde hair, thin tan skin, lean body, and eyes of an Egyptian goddess. I couldn’t help but notice how her tiny dress clung to the curves of her perfect body. There was something special about her.

I watched as guy after guy strutted up to her, said their line and skittered away in defeat. Not because she was cold and purposely blowing them off or ignoring them.

She was deaf.

The barrage of men approaching her were obviously not used to handling someone born without the sense of hearing. They were so far out of their comfort zone they panicked before she even had a chance to respond. Even from a distance, I could see through their faux desire as they hit the abort button in their minds and wandered off to chat up another “easier” girl around the park.

Can you imagine how that must have made her feel? Here she was, all dressed up and looking absolutely stunning. She must have spent some serious time on her hair and makeup just so she could stand out from all the other pretty women roving the bar… Yet none of the guys really appreciated her as a unique person. Every man’s desire proved fake as soon as they understood she couldn’t hear them. All they proved was their desire for any woman, rather than her in particular.

And the sad thing is, I bet many of these guys were truly interested in her more than any other girl around, but they didn’t have a clue what to do. If they couldn’t convey their own attraction, how could they possibly hope to stoke her desire?

But I knew something simple they didn’t grasp: attraction has very little to do with the words you say.

What a great opportunity to test this theory.

I moved towards her even though I had no specific plan to handle the situation. I approached with a sly grin on my face and just waited there in front of her like I had all the time in the world. The tension rippled through my body, but I focused on the here and now and cleared my mind. I could tell she was used to this kind of tension and it did not bother her.

We faced each other in silence, which seemed like an eternity, just looking and smiling at each other. I took a deep breath, making it clear I was inhaling her intoxicating feminine essence and savoring her beauty. Yet still I said nothing.

She could see in my eyes that my intent was clear. My gaze said it all. “Let’s have some fun.”

I wiggled my phone in the air, finally breaking the tension, and wrote a small message on the screen: “You’re cute. Let’s flirt.”

She perked up and showed my message to her friend on the stool next to her, who was also deaf. Then she wrote back on my phone, “I bet you say that to every chick you meet.”

I had to break eye contact for a brief second to type back, “Don’t be silly. There’s no other woman around worth talking to. May I sit?”

That’s all it took. No complicated psychological games or carefully choreographed techniques. All I had to do to spark her interest was hold the tension and show my unashamed attraction towards her through my deep eye contact, regardless of the communication barriers.

I slid onto the bench, gently bumping knees with her. She blushed and tossed her hair around as I kept grinning, my eyes locked on her instead of the gaggle of young college co-eds hammering down shots in front of us.

Every woman loves to hear a genuine compliment from a guy who is grounded. I didn’t just push through the tension, I swung it around to create sexual tension in seconds. As soon as the sun began setting, she waved bye to her friend and took me up on my offer to get a drink.

After a round or two of some fruity cocktails, some back and forth through text, and a few games of thumb wrestling, not to mention some intimate grinding on the dance floor, we headed out of the bar.

Every Woman’s Secret Aphrodisiac

Every female, young or old, in any culture at any time wants to be desired. I’m not talking about being called beautiful. Each already is in their own way, since beauty is in the eye of the beholder. I’m talking about something rarer and far more precious:

Being uniquely desired. To find a man who treasures her individual beauty.

You’re not the first guy she’s ever met. She’s known since puberty that many men have low standards and just want to get laid by any woman with a pulse. Their desire in her is purely transactional and has little to do with her as a person. Her mother, sisters, friends, pop culture and personal experience have taught her that most men view women as a tool to fulfill their sexual needs. A replaceable object that could be swapped out with any other willing female in the middle of sex and he couldn’t tell the difference.

So yes, her “BS” filters are always up, but this cuts both ways. If you’re showing genuine desire towards her, bearing witness to her beauty, then your compliments, even the unspoken ones, will turn her on and start blossoming her own desire.

Desire

Simple as this all sounds, the problem is that society, the media and political correctness in general have conditioned men to hide the fact that they have a penis and are attracted to feminine beauty. Don’t get me wrong. Of course I’m a strong supporter of female equality and not advocating a return to some 1950’s “man’s world” mindset, but as a society we tend to overcompensate.

Showing genuine, honest desire is not even in the same ballpark as harassment or misogyny. It’s the opposite, in fact. You’re not objectifying her, but rather treating her with the respect and openness of an equal that she deserves… and desires. To every woman, being uniquely desired by a confident but non-pushy man is the ultimate compliment. After you’ve made her feel safe through your grounded presence, this is the next crucial step to unleash her own attraction.

On the same token, hiding your sexual desires is incredibly dishonest and a sign of disrespect. Why should she feel safe around you, let alone be attracted to you, if you can’t even express your basic desire for her? That fakery is a fast track to the friend zone, at best, and downright creepy at worst.

Now, I’m not suggesting running around like a horn dog and saying any naughty thing that pops in your head. You don’t even have to say anything sexual. A simple, “Hi, how are you?” shows plenty of desire if your demeanor, slow voice, relaxed body language, strong eye contact and suggestive smirk tells her that you find her sexually desirable.

You see, when a grounded man desires her it makes her feel safe. She feels like if there is danger, then he will protect HER, instead of another woman.

But when an ungrounded man explicitly shows his desire for her, it makes her feel unsafe. There’s no underlining sentiment of respect for her or appreciation of her beauty. She only feels like he wants to take advantage of her to satisfy his own lustful appetite and isn’t interested in making her feel safe.

Unfortunately, a lot of guys show their interest in ungrounded or outright sleazy ways that repel women, such as cat calling, whistling, staring too long without actually approaching, or looking down at her body while giving a compliment.

On the contrary though, when a grounded man shows his desire it has a completely different effect. Maybe he didn’t say anything sexually suggestive, but his body language and energy leaves no ambiguity. He’s standing very close to her so she can feel his masculine presence. He’s looking deep into her eyes piercing her with his gaze. He's taking his sweet time creating deliberate pauses to ramp up the sexual tension. He’s speaking low and calm as if she were already his lover. His energy and vibe demonstrates a demeanor, “I will give you the utmost sexual satisfaction,” no matter what he’s saying.

He’s creating sexual tension that shows he’s attracted specifically to her and not just horny for anything that moves. That might seem like a small distinction to a man, but it makes all the difference in the world to a woman. This honest and unique attraction to her decides whether she’ll roll her eyes at your sleaziness or grin at your charm.

Sure, it’s quite possible she’s in a relationship already or just isn’t in the mood, so I’m not guaranteeing the sexual tension will lead anywhere. But I can guarantee you she will light up and feel valued at a subconscious level. You will make her day.

Again though, showing desire is not about the actual compliment. You can tell her that she’s beautiful, stunning, cute, adorable, pretty, etc. and that’s all well and good. But there is nothing inherently special about any of those words.

What makes your compliment powerful is the way you say it, or don’t say anything at all and just project the compliment with your body language. It’s the emotion behind your words and actions that make her feel what you feel. And I mean that in a literal sense, through the well-known principle of emotional contagion.

Emotional Contagion

As I’ve harped on before, women are experts at feeling you out. Women have evolved an incredibly high sensitivity to emotional contagion—the ability to subconsciously absorb another person’s emotional state through non-verbal clues. Whatever you are feeling in your body, whether nervousness or confidence, she will feel as well.

If you walk up to her nervous and ungrounded, she will feel nervous as well, and will want to get out of that situation.

If you hide your intent because you are feeling ashamed of your sexual interest, she will feel that something is way off and might even feel creeped out.

However, if you are feeling calm and enjoying the interaction with her, that sense of serenity is contagious. If you are feeling desire for her, appreciating her as the most attractive woman around, she will very much appreciate that feeling.

Your “turn on” creates a sense of excitement and anticipation that something wonderful might occur. This isn’t some magic trick, but rather basic human physiology. Research shows that the buildup and anticipation of pleasure is what releases the “feel good” chemical, known as dopamine. No, this doesn’t mean she’ll throw caution to the wind and jump in the sack with you right away, but if you aren’t triggering these good feelings right off the bat, there’s little chance things will go further.

Unapologetically expressing your desire for her can build up the anticipation for what might happen later, and that “anticipation” is what arouses a woman and releases dopamine. It's not about the actual reward, but about the anticipation for the reward.

Giving a compliment

Chances are you've been in a similar scenario before. You’re sitting at your favorite cafe drinking your favorite blend of dark roast while checking your Facebook messages, when all of a sudden “she” walks in.

Long dark curly hair, hazel eyes, matching skirt and blouse that flaunts the perfect mix of professional and sexy. Her blouse buttoned one button too low revealing just enough cleavage to tantalize a monk.

She's hot and she knows it. At least everyone in the cafe knows it because every patron, including the women, secretly gaze at her with admiration or jealousy.

But no man dares to make a move.

So you realize, this is your chance. Everyone else is awing her and pretending not to drool. She could be yours, all yours. Maybe for a night, a year or a lifetime. Who knows!

All you have to do is say something and allow destiny to work her magic. Just say something, anything and your entire life could change from this moment on.

You sit there waiting for genius to strike, hoping something clever to say will enter your brain. But it seems, the gods of sex are not in your favor. You stay sitting there sipping your coffee because you can't come up with one single sentence to blurt out, and so, the gorgeous specimen of a woman leaves the cafe and out of your life forever.

Is that what you want? I'm sure it's not.

So what do you say in that situation?

I don't suggest you walk up to her Christian Grey style and tell her that it's taking all your self-control not to fuck her on the hood of your car right now. That probably won’t go over well as a conversation starter.

And as you know by now, it's not what you say that actually makes her want you, but you still have to say something.

Well, the best way to start the conversation in any daytime scenario like this, is to be direct and give her a genuine compliment. Remember, don't hide your intentions because that shows fear, weakness and a lack of confidence. And you know that women can read your intentions.

Instead, own up to the fact that you find her breath-taking and just tell her.

So should you just blurt out, “Hey you are breathtaking!!!!?” Well, sure, you definitely could. The only problem with that is there won't be much sexual tension, unless you say it like, “Hey....you are....breathtaking.”

Remember, pauses create anticipation, intrigue and suspense for what you are going to say next. If you immediately give the compliment within 2 or 3 seconds of the approach, then there was no buildup of her wondering what you are going to say next. Basically you killed the sexual tension.

Instead, take your time and make her wait for it. This shows her that you can handle the tension. What I recommend doing is “acknowledging the reality.” Tell her exactly what is going on in that moment.

You can acknowledge her reality by saying, “I know you are busy,” or “I know you are shopping” or just acknowledging whatever it is she is doing. This also shows respect that you realize you may be interrupting her. I also recommend acknowledging what she might be thinking like, “I know this is random,” or “I know this is unexpected,” or “I know most people don't do this.”

You can also acknowledge your reality by saying something like, “I just saw you from across the street,” or “I don't usually do this.” You can even acknowledge what you are feeling by saying, “I felt like I had to say something” or “I'm kind of nervous.” It's much better to acknowledge that you are nervous then trying to conceal the fact.

The beauty about this is that it no longer becomes a canned line where you say the exact same sentence over and over to every woman. You can change it based on what she is doing, what you are doing and what you are feeling in that moment. Also, the actual compliment can change based on what you think of her.

Sample Compliments:

Note: The commas represent 1 or 2 second pauses. And remember, what’s important is that you feel what you’re saying.

1. “Hi. This is totally random, but I just wanted to say you have absolutely stunning eyes.”

1. “Hey, really quick. I know you are busy, and I am in a hurry as well, but I just had to come over and say hello.” (this is still direct because your body language, tonality, facial expressions and vibe will all suggest that you find her highly attractive)

1. “Hey I know you are on the phone and I know it's so rude to interrupt but I just think you are gorgeous, and had to say 'hi'. You should call your friend back.” (Notice this doesn't have pauses since she is on the phone)

1. “Hey, real quick, this is really awkward, because I don't do this often, but I had to take a chance and risk embarrassment, and come over here to meet you.”

1. “Hi. I was just walking in the other direction when you passed me. And I just thought, it would be a good idea to run back and make a fool out of myself, by telling you that you are absolutely adorable.”

1. “Excuse me, do you know where Starbucks is? Actually, I'm not really looking for Starbucks, and, don’t take this the wrong way, but I just saw you sitting here with your friend, and had to tell you that you look, really pretty.”

Remember that these are just examples. You don't need to write them down or memorize them, because you should be saying what is happening in the moment. Another reason it is so important to be present and grounded.

So make sure that during those pauses you breathe and ground yourself. Feel into your body and allow yourself to feel the attraction you have for the beautiful women in front of you. Breathe in her beauty and feminine aura. Allow yourself to be turned on by her. It's your “turn on” that will turn her on.

I've actually gotten erections while talking to random girls on the sidewalk, because the sexual tension was so intense. I could tell she was feeling my desire and it was turning her on, and her getting turned on turned me on even more. It’s a good sign when that happens.

Just remember, the best way to express your desire is not just through your words, but through your energy and vibe, which display nonverbally through the way you look at her, your tonality and your sly devilish smile. All of which, convey your intentions.

I've had several women tell me that the thing they loved about me the most, was the way I looked at them. They could see my naughty intentions through my eye contact, and they loved it.

She Needs To Feel Your Intentions

Women don’t hear the words you say, they feel your intentions. Attraction is never about what you say, it’s about why you are saying it. The reason you are saying it will dictate how you say it.

As I’ve said before, the actual words you say matter very little. It’s the emotion behind the words that make her feel excited or not. If the emotion is needy and seeking her approval then it will turn her off. But, if the words are genuine with positive intentions, then what you say is more likely to turn her on.

It’s the why that determine the emotion behind the words, and women are experts at sensing your whys. If you tell a girl she’s beautiful because you think that will make her want to sleep with you, she will be able to tell and probably won’t sleep with you. If you say it with the intention of impressing her, more likely than not, she won’t be impressed.

It must be authentic.

When you approach a girl with an authentic compliment, it communicates that you don't need to hide your intentions. You are being honest, which makes her feel like she can trust you. A woman will respect a man who is genuine in his intent and doesn’t beat around the bush or play games pretending not to like her.

The irony is, when a guy takes the nice guy approach and tries to hide his romantic interest in her, she can still sense that he is attracted to her. There’s no reason to hide it because women can sense your intent from a mile away.

Why Compliments and Showing Desire Backfires For Nice Guys

Even when a “nice guy” shows interest or delivers a compliment in a sweet, caring way, it comes off as apologetic and approval seeking because his kind words aren’t matching his body language and vibe. So his niceness doesn't seem genuine, which doesn’t spark attraction.

The nice guy then tends to look down to break the tension and this makes him seem like a boy, not a man. She’ll thank him because he said something nice, but there’s no emotional connection. The most he can hope for is that she’ll consider him a potential friend and maybe give out her phone number as a form of reciprocity… yet be annoyed when he asks her for a date because she did not feel attraction towards him.

She might find it sweet, but it won’t turn her on because it comes off as needy and apologetic. Her instincts do not urge her to want to sleep with a guy like that.

The nice guy is usually not being genuine when he gives a compliment. He’s trying to get a reaction out of the woman. He’s giving a complement to get something in return, usually validation. He wants her to like him so bad that he breaks all tension in the interaction by talking too fast, standing too far away, and talking in a high tone. He wants to please her, and not offend her in any way, so that she will approve of him.

When the bad boy gives a compliment, he doesn’t care about the outcome or her approval. He gives the compliment because it’s what he feels. He doesn’t care how she responds, he only cares about being true to his masculine instincts, which compels him to approach her. He’s not thinking about what to say next, or caring about what she is thinking, or what the people around her are thinking. He’s not analyzing the situation. His energy is in his body. He’s trusting his instincts and letting them do the work.

On the other hand, the nice guy is in his head over analyzing everything. His thoughts are in the future, thinking about “What if people overhear me?” “What if I feel uncomfortable?” or “What if she rejects me?” These negative thoughts put him in a fearful state before he even walks up to her.

If he does manage to build up the courage to talk to her, then he’s worrying about what to say next, instead of letting the conversation flow.

He's not grounded in the present moment. His energy is in his head and it shows in his nervous body language, making the girl feel uncomfortable. He has wavering eye contact, shallow breathing, and tense muscles. She can sense this and it makes her feel unsafe.

When you are fully grounded your energy is feeding back into your body instead of your head, giving you full control over your body. You can sit in the tension and the sensation of fear and nervousness no longer control you. The energy in your head just melts away and you feel calm and present and connected to her, in a way she can feel. And that feeling is intoxicating for women.

Chapter Recap

1. If your intention is to sleep with any woman that will have you, she can feel that. If your intention is to be with her and give her the utmost sexual satisfaction, she can feel that too.

1. She wants a man with options who is a selector and chooses the women he wants in his life. This makes her feel special, because he chose her out of all his options.

1. Don’t rush through your initial opening statement. Use short pauses and embrace the tension to show her both your confidence and desire in her.

1. Never forget the power of non-verbal emotional contagion. She’ll feel what you’re feeling, so be genuine and make sure your words and body language match what’s in your heart and mind.

Exercises

For the next three days, I want you to walk up to at least one attractive woman you see each day and give her a genuine compliment about her looks. You can tell her that you think she is cute, adorable, stunning, beautiful or pretty, it’s up to you.

Remember to hold that eye contact and smile. Take your time, there’s no rush. Just enjoy the interaction, however brief it may be.

After the compliment, feel free to introduce yourself and ask her name and then start some small talk. If the thought of that makes you really nervous, then after the compliment simply end the interaction with, “Anyways, have an awesome day.” Keep practicing until you can deliver a compliment without feeling any fear and then move on to more involved conversation.

Example:

You: “Hey, real quick, I know you are busy and so am I, but I just saw you here, and I thought it would be a good idea to tell you, that you are really pretty.”

Her: “Oh, thank you!”

You: “Anyways, have an awesome day!”

Try to take it further than that, but if that’s as far as it goes then mission accomplished. Make sure to feel good afterwards and pat yourself on the back because you made a huge step forward.

CHAPTER 6:
Selecting And Qualifying Her

“Refuse to lower your standards to accommodate those who refuse to raise theirs.”

- Mandy Hale

The Empire State building was lit up with Christmas lights. It was like something out of a movie, I thought while a fellow dating coach and I observed the city staple from a rooftop bar, “2 35th,” on a chilly December evening in New York.

2 35th is one of the go-to spots for practicing “game” in Manhattan. On this particular night, there were three pick-up boot camps running simultaneously. I loved the challenge of my students competing for the same girls that other gurus were going for because I knew that what we taught our students worked ten times better than the lines, routines and gimmicks that the other companies relied so heavily on.

All our students were talking to girls, and the girls seemed to be hanging on every word. One was in the corner making out with a tall redhead, another bounced from the bar to the dance floor with a cute Latina, while another had just won over a group of nine bachelorettes from Staten Island.

I was pleased since it was only their second night out. Our coaches were watching and instructing, while I admired the view of one of New York City’s most iconic attractions.

But something took my attention away from the scenic view to enjoy another view standing just twenty feet away.

Ryan, a good friend and competing coach living in New York, broke my gaze with an elbow nudge to the ribs. “Look!” He jerked his thumb at a gorgeous girl surrounded by a small army of overly attentive guys.

She was the hottest girl on the rooftop deck, and likely, the entire club. But that entourage of eight protective guy friends presented quite a challenge. No one approached her or so much as tried to catch her eye. Even the other dating gurus in the club kept a wide berth.

So naturally, I was chumping at the bit. I’m a good sport though, so I gave Ryan the first shot.

“How would you approach?”

Thinking for a few seconds, Ryan just shook his head. “I’d wait until she was alone, and then make my move. There’s no way through that phalanx.”

“That could take all night,” I rebuked. “What if she never leaves the group? What a waste of valuable time.”

Ryan shrugged. “I’m patient. For a girl like that, I don't mind waiting.”

I wasn't impressed and he could tell.

“So what would you do, Mr. Guru?”

I knew the more obstacles in the way, the more attraction a girl feels when you approach. Remember, women notice everything. Which isn’t always a bad thing. She’s quite aware of the nerve it takes to approach in the first place.

“Just watch.” I grinned and marched off while Ryan just snorted and settled in to watch me crash and burn.

I didn't know how this would turn out, but I wasn't willing to waste time waiting for the perfect moment. I don't wait for things to happen, I make them happen. If I’ve learned anything in life, it’s that Lady Fortune really does favor the bold, and punishes those that procrastinate.

So I made a beeline for the girl, while still pondering what to do as her male companions glared daggers at me. I preferred being direct because I knew how much women love to feel desired by a confident man, but in this case, I could get my ass kicked. So I knew I couldn’t give the girl a direct compliment… but I could say something nice to the “orbiter” guy standing closest to her, and make sure she hears every word of it.

“Hey, man. I mean no disrespect, but your girlfriend here…” I turned to grin at the girl so she could see my intent, “is absolutely stunning. You’re a lucky fellow.”

Yep, I complimented the guy on how hot his “so-called” girlfriend was. This got my intentions across to the girl. That was clear enough by her raised eyebrows and the way she craned her neck to hear everything. Yet her “boyfriend” would look like a total insecure douchebag if he got upset or defensive at my genuine gesture.

“She's not my girlfriend,” he grunted with a hint of defeat. He waved his hand and laughed. “Go for it, amigo.”

Smart move on his part.

I could tell he was in the friend zone and most likely wanted to get out. But if he acted protective towards her, he would have only dug himself in deeper.

I introduced myself to her, plus another woman that suddenly appeared out of nowhere. It's never a good idea to ignore your wannabe lover’s friend, no matter how much you wish she’d go away.

The woman I was fascinated with was named Ashley. She looked more impressed than most girls as she gripped my hand tightly. “Nice to meet you,” she beamed with a smile. “You should take my number!”

Ashley was offering her number freely without even a conversation or knowing anything about me. What was I missing? I could tell from the look in her eye that she was very attracted, most likely because of the ballsy approach, so this didn’t seem like an excuse to get rid of me. Nevertheless, even though she probably really wanted me to have her number, I knew it was an unconscious trap.

You see, if I were to get too excited at that moment and took the bait, then I’d have thrown away any notion of her being special. She would think that I didn’t have many women like her in my life. That she was selecting me and not the other way around. Worst of all, it would show that I didn't have any standards other than liking a pretty face.

She was hot, but who cares? Hot women are a dime a dozen, especially in Manhattan. I wanted to challenge her to see if there was more to her than just her looks. Men are more than just animals; I wanted her to earn my attention and attraction to her. I wasn't willing to be just another guy begging for her to select him.

Which meant she had to impress me first. “Hmm, that’s flattering, but I just met you. I don't know if I want your number yet. I don't know anything about you. Tell me one cool thing about you first.”

“Wha…” She swapped a gasp with her friend and fiddled with her bangs. “Like what?”

Now I admit, it’s always fun to turn the classic tension test right back around on a gal, but this was 100% about qualifying her as someone worth my time. Seeing her get a bit flustered was just a bonus.

I slid closer, ramping up the tension on purpose. “What are you passionate about?”

“Wow, this is good stuff.” The guy who wished he was her boyfriend, who's name I had already forgotten, muttered while digging out his phone to take notes.

I laughed, tempted to give him my card, but I figured a free lesson would be more fun.

In truth, I felt a tinge of sadness for him. There really wasn’t anything special about what I was saying or doing. This dude diligently taking notes was even better looking than me and knew her for a long time. There’s no reason he couldn’t have been climbing into a cab with her an hour later instead of some guy she just met, but I bet the thought never crossed his mind. More than just lacking confidence, like too many men, he didn’t value himself as a selector. He probably missed countless opportunities just because he’d been conditioned to think of women as the prize and sex as some special favor women grant, like it was some type of lottery.

I’ll spare you the R rated details of that night, since I’m not here to brag. Instead, let’s explore how you could pull off the same coup by being the selector.

Stop Trying To ATTRACT women

Whatever you do, don't “try” to attract her. Let me repeat that so it really sinks in: Do not “try” to attract her. If you’re confident, grounded and exuding an attractive vibe, seduction will come automatically. If you’re actively trying to impress her, then you’re sub communicating that you are not attractive enough and must do or say things to win her affection, which will hinder her attraction to you.

“Wait a minute…” I hear you snorting. “Isn’t the whole point of this book to learn how to attract women? WTF!?”

There’s no bait and switch going on. Everything we’ve been talking about boils down to one simple idea: Women aren’t interested in guys that try to attract or impress them, no matter how hard they work. They’re turned on by guys that DON'T NEED to attract or impress them.

That’s also the solution to the ancient, “why do nice guys finish last?” riddle. Nice guys ignore the lessons in this book and think they have to “win” a female’s affection. They think they must say and do all the right things to “score” the girl they want.

The supposed “bad boys” don’t care if they impress her. Instead of bragging about themselves or doing things to try to impress her, they find out what’s impressive about her.

Of course, some guys take this too far and act like they are too good for her. Or even worse, insult her with so-called “negging.” These guys aren’t bad boys nor are they playing 4-D psychological chess. They’re just run of the mill assholes. And yep, they do get laid sometimes, but it’s usually only by the most insecure women. Acting like a jerk and putting women down will not work for a woman with high self-esteem and healthy self-perception. And isn’t that the kind of woman you really want?

We’ve all seen the guy at the bar that struts up to women with a rude comment, backhanded compliment or sarcastic verbal jab hoping that his degradations will win her over. Sometimes these are former “nice guys” that got sick of watching bad boys attract all the girls who friend-zoned them, so they overcompensate and adopt an asshole strategy. They’re just swapping one pathetic show of desperation for another.

Don’t be that guy.

The Selector’s Mindset and High Status Lifestyle

There you are at your favorite bar soaking in the energy of the night. Grounded and poised, you remain calm amidst the chaos that ensues. You've already made your intentions clear to three lucky ladies you chatted with earlier in the night. They lit up and giggled as your eye contact engulfed them.

They were all cute, but you had your heart set on the brunette with curvy hips and high cheekbones. They were on their way out, so you saved her number and returned your attention to your wingman.

“Oh my God, look bro, over there, that girl is so damn hot!” your buddy exclaims.

You know his excitement is over the top, but you can’t help but follow his gaze… and forget all about the new number in your pocket.

Every eye is on her. Every guy wants her.

With that low-cut black dress clinging to her sultry tight body, she's on a different level of hotness than every other girl around. She doesn’t walk, she glides across the room with confidence and pose that would make Cleopatra proud. The guys struggle not to drool while the other women don’t even try to mask their jealousy.

No one else has the balls to make a move, which means this seemingly impossible scenario is your golden opportunity. You’re strolling calmly but steadfast her way before your buddy can catch his breath.

“Excuse me.”

She turns and gives you a quick up and down examine… not exactly swooning over you. She slaps on a poker face and crosses her arms, keeping her pouty lips shut. It even looks like she smells something bad by the way she’s turning up her nose. Instead of muttering an apology and scurrying away like most man in her past, you never break eye contact while channeling exactly what you feel.

“Have you noticed that you and I are the two hottest people here?”

She can see the desire in your eyes while she stares back. There’s even a twinkle of anticipation in her gaze, but she’s not letting her guard down yet.

Without smiling, she shrugs and shoots off a quick test to see if you can handle the heat.

“If you say so…” She spins away fast, not giving you a second to think of something witty, so you fire off the first thing that comes to mind.

“So I had to at least introducing myself. I’m...” Despite her back halfway turned away, you coolly stick out your hand.

She stops in her tracks and oh-so-carefully takes your firm hand, a little smile slipping out as she introduces herself. You take a step closer, hovering on the edge of her personal space to ramp that tension up.

Her thin grin gives way to a chuckle while you keep the banter up like she was an old friend. You break the touch barrier and give her arm a gentle nudge towards the bar, but you start moving first like you aren’t concerned at all that she might not follow.

Naturally, this woman isn’t fully turned on yet, but her subconscious is sure prodding her to follow this strange but confident and easy-going man. There’s a warmth of security radiating from you, not to mention the breath of fresh air from meeting a guy that’s not pathetically fawning over her and trying to impress her with cheap tricks.

For your part, you know she's hot, as that gave you the motivation to say hello in the first place. But you aren’t desperate. You’re still not sure about her yet. After all, she might be crazy, or a really negative person, or married to a jealous guy with an impressive gun rack. You don't assume any of that is true, but you are curious to find out what kind of person she really is before you invest time and effort into any sort of relationship. Even just a fleeting hook-up. Life is short. If she's cool, you might get her number or even take her home later. If she's boring, cynical or unavailable, then you may dismiss yourself to meet someone who has the qualities you are looking for. Either way, it’s your decision.

This must be your mentality when you meet women. If you’re desperate for any hot woman’s attention, she will notice. It’s fine to let physical attraction guide you to a woman in the first place, but don't go all the way in until she starts to win you over. Be curious to find out who she is and what she is all about.

This is the mindset of a man of high status who has a lot of options.

Plenty of Sand at the Beach

Most guys think, “Wow she’s so damn hot! OMG! I need her. My life would be so great if I had a woman like her.” This is needy, desperate and unattractive. There’s no way women can feel safe around such an eager man.

A grounded man would think something like, “She’s attractive. I wonder if she’d fit my expectations and qualifications? If not, oh well, there are plenty of other women to choose from.”

Seal this away in your mind and never forget it! There are MILLIONS of hot women in the world, and if this one doesn’t work out, who cares! You’re better off by cutting things short and finding someone worth your while. Dating is a trial and error project, so if you aren’t making some mistakes then you’re doing it wrong. Don't get caught up in the mindset of failure and rejection. I was there for many years of my life. I know what you’re going through, but believe me when I tell you the only way out of that rut is to quit the self-pity and approach women from a place of power and choice.

It's true that one interaction with a woman can change the rest of your life, even if it never leads to a romantic entanglement. When I approached my ex, while shopping in Santa Monica, it completely changed my world. I moved to Las Vegas because of her and learned many valuable lessons, and I'm sure my life would be very different now if I wouldn't have approached her. That being said, it doesn't mean my life would be worse if I never met her.

Once you come to the realization that one girl does not determine your happiness, and that there are many options to choose from, you break free of the chains of doubt and insecurity and step into a caliber of man that few ever become.

And if you struggle getting over the stigma that society has shoved down your throat all of these years that men must fear women and sacrifice the world to earn their attention, then remember this: there’s only one YOU. There may be millions of other female prospects out there, but there’s just one of you.

This “truth” means you’re unique, different, a one-of-a-kind special little snowflake. Don’t waste time focusing on lies that leave you strapped in indecision and panic. Focus on what is true.

TRUTH: There are millions of attractive girls in the world and I will find one that meets my standards.

LIE: There is only one perfect girl for me and if I don’t do and say everything perfectly, I’ll crash and burn and lose my once-in-a-lifetime opportunity.

Focus, concentrate, and believe this. Soak it in until it resonates within every orifice of your body. Breathe it, eat it, and absorb it until even your dreams transform it into this new reality. Not in an egotistical or narcissistic kind of way, but in a healthy and balanced perspective.

You Are The Prize

If you don’t see yourself as a great catch, neither will she. No matter what you’re looking for in life, you must remember that you’re the prize. Any person would be lucky to have you in their life.

Don’t waste your time with people who devalue you or don’t appreciate you. As contradictory as it may sound, you’re better off cutting out the distractions and removing the deadweight. You can’t be friends with everyone. That would require way too much time and energy, and no one has that much stamina.

With the mindset that you are the prize, it’s no longer about fearing rejection, saying or doing the right things, or putting her on a proverbial “prize” pedestal. It’s just about making her day and seeing if she's cool or not. And just as you would do in a car dealership or any retail store, you must always have the ability to walk away if you don't see what you are looking for.

Women, of course, are priceless treasures as well. When I tell you to think of yourself as the prize, I am in no way telling you to think that you are better than women. However, for this principle, I’m training you to shift your mindset from a victim mentality to winner mentality. Winners believe they can attract almost any woman that they want. And if a woman isn't attracted, it doesn't affect them in any way. They move on to find a woman who will be attracted.

Most guys have the opposite mentality. They are worried about meeting her standards and think they need to “build attraction” or put on a performance to win her heart. Let her worry about whether you meet her standards or not, and remember, you won't be everyone's cup of tea.

Some women will like you. Some won't. So what?

Being A Selector Is A Lifestyle

Being the selector is not a tactic or technique; it is a complete mindset. A way of being. It manifests in the way you think and act around her. It is a mindset that you embody because you know your worth and your value as a man.

A selector doesn’t just let anyone into his life, he has standards for the people he brings into his inner circle. He doesn’t just screen and challenge the women he lets in, but the men as well. He makes sure that everyone in his life brings him value, and in return, he brings them value.

The problem that a lot of guys have is they feel they are not good enough yet, and don’t have enough value to give women. They feel they need to accomplish more and “get there” before they are worthy of a certain caliber woman.

There is some truth in that because the more you accomplish the higher worth you will place on yourself. The problem is that guys have this fantasy that when they achieve a certain amount of wealth, popularity or have six pack abs then women will suddenly start falling into their laps. When they finally realize their ideal perfect scenario, they are often sadly disappointed to find that it doesn’t work out the way they imagined. Even with the money or muscles women aren’t approaching them and so they become bitter towards women and blame women for their own dating misfortune.

Instead of hoping that your love life will magically fix itself when you achieve a certain level of success, start focusing on the success that you’ve already achieved. Instead of focusing on what you haven’t achieved, focusing on what you have already.

It’s so easy to forget about how far you’ve come when you only look at how far you still have to go. Most of us compare ourselves to the people we see on TV, magazines or Instagram and feel unworthy in comparison. Stop comparing yourself to others, because there will always be someone richer, stronger, more successful and better looking than you.

The only person you need to compare yourself to is you. Are you growing? Are you evolving? Are you getting closer to your goals in life? Look back on your life and see how far you have actually come and give yourself a pat on the back, because I’m sure you’ve accomplished more than you realize.

In fact, I want you to make a list of 20 accomplishments in your life. Write down everything that comes to mind. Anything you’ve done that you are proud of, no matter how small it may seem.

Do it now. Make your list. I’ll wait.

Creating this list will help you see all that you have done and how worthwhile you really are. When you start to focus on how great you are, you will start to see yourself as a prize. This not only increases your confidence, but it makes you feel like you have permission to be a selector of the people you bring into your life.

This exercise will help shift your thinking from, “I hope I’m good enough for her,” to “I wonder if she’s good enough for me?” It will begin to transform the “I need to impress her” mentality to, “she needs to impress me” way of thinking. You’ll begin to stop being needy and approval seeking around women, and instead be a challenge and qualify women.

Being a challenge to women and qualifying them is simply a natural byproduct of that mentality and feeling like you are a selector of women.

If You’re Faking It, Then She Is The True Selector

You can try to fake this mindset, but she’ll see right through your charade. If you ask a qualification question like, “You seem cool but I don't know if we can hang out yet. Tell me something interesting about you,” while thinking, “Oh my God, she's so hot. I want her so bad,” she will sense something is off. Remember, a woman’s highly refined subconscious intuition lets her focus on what you’re saying and study your body for the subtlest inconsistency at the same time.

If you ask a qualification question like, “Tell me something interesting about you,” with an ear-to-ear smirk plastered across your face and an aura of excitement, it will not have the effect of being a challenge. The question might technically be a qualification question, but it will just seem like you are overly eager to get to know her more, which communicates desperation.

You see, it's not the actual question that makes you a challenge. It's the way you ask it. It's your demeanor and the energy you convey.

Imagine a job interview, where a high-level executive is interviewing an entry level candidate. The candidate is nervous because he really wants the job, while the executive is calm and relaxed because he has many potential candidates for the opening. The candidate is leaning forward eager to give an answer that he thinks the executive wants to hear. The executive leans back with his arms closed judging each response. The candidate speaks fast, overly excited, his answers are rambling. The executive speaks deliberately with authority; each sentence serving a specific purpose.

Be the executive, not the candidate.

That doesn't mean you should cross your arms in judgement the entire time. However, crossing your arms for a few seconds, while squinting your eyes suggesting an, “I’m not sure about you yet,” expression, usually doesn't hurt. After all, you are judging whether you want to see her again, or not.

After almost 10 years of coaching guys live in over 40 different countries, I've rarely seen anyone too judgmental or harsh in qualifying women. It's almost always the opposite. They are too nice sounding and “pleasing,” speaking way too fast and overenthusiastic, like the entry level candidate.

This is yet another reason you must be calm and grounded in your interactions with women. When you put the ball in her court and make her qualify herself to you, it will create tension. Most guys break the tension by smiling because they can't handle that level of intensity. Instead, look at her intently, and as you hold that tension she will eagerly try to attract YOU with her answer, and her desire for you will unconsciously increase.

Make sure to speak slowly, pausing every few words and ending your qualification questions with a drop in tonality. If your inflection goes up it will not sound like you are testing her, it will sound like you are overly eager to get to know her, which is the opposite of challenging. That's right, such a tiny subtlety as tone going up or down can have a dramatic effect and make you seem like a challenge, or just desperate.

The most microscopic unconscious detail often can make all the difference.

PRINCIPLES of a Selector

Challenging and qualifying people does not mean that you put them down or see them as beneath you. It’s actually all about equality and bringing out the best in others.

Being a challenge means that you only allow people in your life that align with your highest values and purpose. It means that you see more in others than they see in themselves and you help bring that out of them. It means you don’t always take people’s responses at face value, but instead dig deeper to find out their true desires or intentions.

For example, I was speaking at a dating seminar in Los Angeles and gave a talk on how to embody the mindset of being the selector. After I exited the stage, a lot of guys approached me to tell me how much they appreciated my talk. Instead of just saying, “thank you,” and being done with it, I said, “Thank you so much, what did you all like about it?”

I didn’t ask that question to be a dick, I asked it because it made them think deeper and remember what they enjoyed, which also gave me insight into what specifically they liked.

From what I’ve seen over the years, there are a few crucial life lessons to keep in mind to ensure you really become a challenge and aren’t just fooling yourself. I’m sure you’ve heard of all these things, but have you ever really thought about how these fundamental life principals affect your dating life?

The Principle Of Workmanship

Man is meant to work, to sweat, to expend energy. We were not meant to sit around and do nothing. That’s why we get bored if we aren’t moving. It’s not just you; it’s everyone. We all enjoy something more if we had to earn it and work for it versus being handed something for free without effort

For example, I recall Christmas day in 2013 and I was thrilled when my grandparents gave me their old 2000 Saturn. It wasn't a luxury automobile, but I just returned from a yearlong boot camp tour overseas and I needed a set of wheels to get around. I thanked them dearly as I took the car to the DMV to transfer ownership.

Fast forward three months later. I'm living in San Diego and before I make my way to the gym, I notice something wrong. The driver side rearview mirror is hanging from the car, dangling from its cable. Someone, probably drunk, must have driven too close to the vehicle and smacked it right off, leaving a scratch on the door and no more side mirror.

“What the hell!” I exclaimed. But after a few seconds I thought, “Oh well, I still have my other mirror. Do I really need it?” After all, in three months I had never even washed the car once, gotten an oil change or made any other minor repairs.

This wasn't because I didn't care about the car. I was, and still am, grateful to my grandparents for their gift. But I didn't treat it like my previous car, which I cherished because it took me two years to save up the money to buy it. Since I didn't have to work for my Saturn, I just didn't put as much value on it.

It’s the same with people. If you show too much interest too soon, when she didn't even have to earn it, she won't appreciate and value you nearly as much as she would if she had to earn your attraction. By qualifying her and being a challenge you give her the opportunity to work for your attention and earn your affection.

The Principle Of Preselection

Studies show that women find men who have other women in their life more desirable. The fact is that women want a man that other women want. No woman wants a man that no other women wants.

When many women want to date you it means you are “preselected” by women. If you are preselected by many women, she can safely assume you must have many attractive qualities that women in general desire in a man.

I’ve read in other dating advice books that the best way to use pre-selection to your advantage is by making up stories about how you’re dating models or strippers. However, this is inauthentic and women have incredibly refined BS filters. She’ll likely sense that you are trying too hard to impress her, so never say or do anything fake to impress a woman.

Instead, just be a man with standards who qualifies women. When you qualify her she will unconsciously feel like you have other dating options, because only men who have a lot of options can be picky as to whom they date.

A desperate man is not picky, he wants anyone that will have him. Through qualifying her you will convey the opposite. You will portray the characteristics of a man with options, and she will unconsciously assume that other women want you. She won’t actually see or hear about how other women desire you, she will just feel it, because you are acting like the type of man who has a lot of women in his life. A man with options.

The Principle of Appreciation

Everyone longs to feel appreciated and understood, to be paid attention to, but this goes even deeper with women. Women, especially the most attractive ones, get bombarded with compliments about their looks from their friends, family, coworkers, photographers and agents.

Just imagine if someone kept telling you how great your smile looked. Wouldn’t you get kind of tired of it? So, her looks should only be the reason you approached, not the reason you get her number or set up a date. Her looks grabbed your attention and caused you to say ‘hi,’ now she has to intrigue you to want more and keep going. If she doesn't then just leave. If she only seems like a pretty face and there's nothing more to her than meets the eye, politely excuse yourself and go meet someone else.

I know it sounds crazy to “reject” a beautiful woman, but hear me out. If she seems boring, dull, unpleasant, uninterested, unavailable or just doesn't meet your standards, then it's better to end the interaction than to keep going because why waste time and effort on someone who is not what you are looking for?

Being the selector is about having standards and seeing if she meets them. If not, just move on. This will actually do wonders for your psyche, because it reinforces the fact that you are the prize and helps you to stop putting beautiful women on a pedestal.

Women hate guys that see them as a prize or conquest because this makes them feel like a piece of meat. She will often feel very unsafe when she can feel that the man's only intention is to satisfy a sexual urge or conquest. She knows that once his needs are met he will no longer care about her and protect her.

This is why a woman needs to feel special. She wants you to see that there is more to her than just her outer shell. Qualification, seeing if she has the qualities you want in a woman, allows you to discover her interests, what really makes her tick, and show appreciation for her inner qualities.

For example, “Wow, I love that you are so adventurous. Tell me about some of your adventures?” or “I like that you are so passionate about dancing, tell me more,” or “I can tell you have a good head on your shoulders, which is so rare these days,” shows her that what she said is valuable and worthy. We all desire to be appreciated so give genuine appreciation. A generic, “that’s cool,” won’t have the same effect. Instead, appreciate her attribute, and ask her to tell you more about it.

The Principle Of Caring

When you’re asking your qualifying questions to see if she meets your standards, you must actually care about her answers. By caring, you show her that she has your undivided attention and that she can trust you. This doesn’t mean that you have to like everything that she says, but by focusing intently on her, it shows you really care about what she has to say, instead of just going through the motions.

Believe me, women can tell when you are just pretending to be interested. The best way not to fake it is by being fully present and grounded in the moment.

Qualification – Showing You’re the Selector

You’ve seen that being the selector is a life-long mindset, and qualification is a powerful way to convey that you are the selector. This doesn’t have to be an elaborate process. Qualification can really be any point when you have her interest but take a step back and ask pointed questions to make sure you’re not wasting your time and she meets your standards. Again, women notice everything. They will be pleasantly surprised to see you evaluating and testing them the way they do you and not just rushing to “hook up” with any willing female.

It allows you to take a step back and get her to put in the effort and attract you. And she will be happy to do so, if you already showed desire in a confident, grounded way.

Through qualifying her, she will see that you are not willing to sacrifice your time for just anyone. That she must be interesting, exciting, and fulfill your expectations before you’ll take things further. This keeps you in control of the interaction and makes clear to her that if she wants to take things to the next level, it’s not just her decision to make… she has to seduce you.

Determine Your Standards In Advance

Take a few minutes right now to figure out what you want. First, are you looking for a long term or short-term relationship? Maybe, you want a series of short-term relationships to have a little fun, but ultimately you would like to commit to one woman. The qualities you look for in a long-term relationship will be different than what you want for short term.

For example, I love women that are very touchy and affectionate, and that’s important to me in a long term committed relationship. But for a short fling or extended booty call, cuddling and other forms of affection are not a requirement.

What are your deal breakers? These may change depending on what you want for each situation. If it’s just a one-night fling, then you might be less concerned with her passions or beliefs, and more concerned whether she is fun, likes to party and lives life in the moment.

For example, I do not like to date smokers. For a long term committed relationship, smoking is a deal breaker. But for a night of fun or a few months of hanging out plus hooking up, I can deal with a smoker as long as she does it outside.

My dad was recently single and knew he didn’t want to date a Democrat. After ending a few dates early because the women weren’t of his preferred political party, my dad decided to add it to his online dating profile and ask women over the phone what their political beliefs were. This way he didn’t have to invest time and money on a woman he didn’t want to date. He was able to quickly weed out the women that didn’t meet his standards, freeing him up to meet his 3rd wife. Who I’m glad to say, has made him happier than I’ve ever seen him.

You need to know what you want and know exactly what you don’t want. In fact, specify what your dating goals are and then make a list of at least 10 to 20 non-physical attributes and qualities that you are looking for in a woman. Put the book down, take a second, and do this now.

Seriously, do it. It’s important.

Good job.

Now I want you to make a list of 5 to 10 non-physical deal breakers. These are things that you do not want in a potential partner. They can be habits, actions, beliefs or values that you will not stand for.

Go ahead, make your list.

Okay, welcome back. I’m sure you didn’t just breeze over that without actually making your list, right? No, what am I thinking, you would never do that.

This is really important because it sheds light on your dating goals and also adds to the next point. You must care about what you’re asking so you know if she has potential or if you need to walk away.

I want you to be a man who seeks the inner beauty, not just the physical.

Qualification Question Examples

I’m not one to leave you wandering in the dark without some examples. So here are some qualification questions to get you thinking on the right track.

You meet a girl at the store or while walking in the park. Within the first few minutes, you’ll want to ask something like, “So, besides your looks, tell me one cool thing about you.” This is a broad question and opens the door for her to respond with something about herself. This will shed some insight into who she is and help determine if she meets a potential qualifier: Is she interesting?

To some, this question will sound harsh. Trust me, it’s not. That’s just your inner nice guy playing tricks on you and trying to prevent you from rocking the boat. Remember, you’re in control and she has to work for you. Don’t make it easy. You’re still trying to figure out if she’s worth your time.

Here’s another way to ask the same thing, “Well, listen. I don’t know if we can hang out yet (or “be lovers yet” if you’re in a flirty mood), so, tell me one interesting thing about you.” This is also a technique used in neuro-linguistic programming known as a presupposition. If she answers the question, then you can presuppose that she wants to hang out (or be lovers) with you. But the point of this question is that you’re asking an obvious qualification question and it sounds like a challenge.

Here’s another, “I’m a little picky about who I hang out with, so tell me something you’re passionate about.” Everyone loves talking about their passions.

Remember what I said earlier? People prefer to work for something to feel like they have earned it. This tells her that you’re the prize and that she needs to work to attract you. This will also catch her off guard as she’s already been preprogrammed to anticipate the same bland “You’re hot! Where are you from?” series of questions.

Other broad qualification questions you can ask are: “How are you going to save/change the world?” “What are you trying to do with your life?” “What is something you’ve done that you are proud of.” These are challenging and show that you have high expectations for women in your life.

If there’s something very specific that you like or absolutely do not like, then you can ask about those. For example, if smoking is a deal breaker for you then say, “You don’t smoke do you?” And if she does then politely end the interaction. You are not forced to stay there just for the sake of pleasantries. And if she doesn’t smoke, don’t just let her off the hook that easily, ask her a follow up qualification question.

Another example of challenging on something specific could be asking about health or fitness, if that is something important to you. You could ask, “I’m really into healthy living, do you eat healthy or are you on the Big Mac-A-Day diet?” But be careful as this could seem insulting if she’s a little overweight.

Another common deal breaker, especially for older guys, is a party girl. If you don’t like party girls you could say, “You aren’t the typical (name of your city) party girl, are you?” If she says “no,” you can tell her something like, “Oh good. I’m getting over the whole party scene.” Notice how that is challenging her then rewarding her answer.

And remember to always ask a qualification question with a challenging, quizzical tone, but add a small smile so you don’t come off overly harsh.

Reciprocity

If you ask a qualification question and she doesn't answer quickly, don’t disqualify her right away. If she’s having a hard time answering, then it might be because she’s nervous, or just having trouble thinking of an answer because it’s her first time being asked a challenging question like that. When that happens, man up and go first. Give an example of what you like or what’s interesting about you. Just answer your own qualification question first, and then she will likely reciprocate by answering in return.

But don't just give a one-word answer. Instead provide a quality answer that talks about the emotion, reason or motivation behind it. Remember, women respond to emotion more than logic. This will make your answer rich in context and make it easier for her to answer.

Here’s an example:

You: “Tell me something cool about yourself.”

Her: “Hmm, I don't know.”

You: “Well, like me, I love to surf because I feel so alive and free when I’m riding a wave. What about you? Is there something like that for you?”

Here’s another:

You: “Tell me something interesting about you, like what are you passionate about?”

Her: “I don’t know. Like what?”

You: “Well, like me, I love to write music because it allows me to express my creative side and I feel so inspired when I write a song. What about you? Is there something you like to do that is creative?”

So it’s basically like this: “I love X, because it makes me feel Y. What about you?” X=what you love; Y=why you love it

Make sure your answer does not come off as bragging. If you say, “Well like me, I own several large businesses because I love making lots of money. What about you?” not only does it seem overly boastful, but it also makes it hard for her to answer. What if she's just a young twenty-something year old with few life experiences? How can she possibly come up with an answer that compares to yours? Make sure to give an example that helps her come up with her own answer and that doesn’t seem braggadocios.

Know Your Setting

What might work in a nighttime environment in a club won’t necessarily work well in the daytime at the park, at a school, or in the grocery store. Know your setting and adjust your approach accordingly.

During the day, if you met a girl on the street you might ask, “What's something you are really passionate about?” This can work great because it gives you a lot of insight about who she is, plus everyone loves talking about their passions.

Nighttime challengers and qualifiers should be more quick, fun and flirty. I tried asking girls, “What are you passionate about?” at nightclubs and always got the same reaction, “I just want to have fun, not have a serious conversation.”

A better challenging question at night would be, “I love adventurous girls, tell me something dangerous you've done lately,” or “Are you fun? I don’t believe you! Prove it. Tell me a bar game you know?” Keep in mind that even though these are more teasing and playful, they can still be real things that you want or don’t want in a girl.

In either setting, be careful with touchy subjects like marriage, religion, abortion, politics, etc., unless however, her beliefs or opinions for these topics could be deal breakers for you. If you have a core value or belief that is central to your identity, then by all means ask away. For example, if you are a stout Republican who does not want to date a Democrat, or you are a born-again Christian who would not want to date an Atheist, then it's important to find that out sooner rather than later, so you don’t waste your time with someone who is not compatible.

Remember, qualification and being a challenge is a mindset and way of being. It's about holding people in your life to a higher standard. It's about valuing your time instead of offering it out freely to all who want it. It's not just a short phase in the interaction, it's who you are as a person and how you treat people.

Let me make this clear, it is not about putting people down. It’s actually the exact opposite. It’s drawing out the best from those around you. And as a result, they will love you for it.

Asking qualification questions is just one way to extract information to see if she is worthy of you. It's important to remain a challenge and stay firm in your boundaries throughout the dating interaction and into the relationship.

As soon as you become complacent and let your woman walk all over you, is when the relationship begins to flounder. A woman wants a man who sticks to his standards and boundaries and can stand up to her. If you don't like her behavior, then tell her so. Even if you know she won't like to hear it, it's better to be honest and call her out if she's doing something that you don't appreciate.

Don’t be the pleaser. You don’t have to agree with everything she does or says. Have an abundance mentality and don’t be afraid to walk away! You should know within the first few minutes if a girl is worth your time or not. Don’t persevere with someone you’re not really connecting with just because they’re hot or you’re feeling desperate. There are so many attractive women out there that will appreciate you, so why waste your valuable time?

I know qualifying her and being a challenge can seem very serious. It is important, since forgetting to qualify a girl on something that is important to you can waste time and prolong a relationship that was doomed from the get go. But there’s no reason you can’t have fun when you qualify her. So flirt with her throughout the interaction. More on having fun and flirting soon to come.

As I mentioned before, qualification is a mindset and not some technique. It’s not something you do once and then it’s over. It’s something that you do throughout the dating process, and trust me, she will be qualifying you as well. And, that’s a good thing.

Now, I want to end this chapter with a challenge to you: Make it your mission to find the inner beauty in every woman you meet.

Chapter Recap

1. You must balance out your desire in her by simultaneously being a challenge, also known as being a high-status man. This isn’t some technique or tactic you use to make her want you. It must be who you are.

1. Only when you stop trying to impress her and have confidence that your natural attraction vibe is enough, can you truly seduce her.

1. Nice guys finish last because they think they have to “win” a female’s affection. The supposed “bad boys” don’t care if they impress her, so they don’t get in the way of the natural, subconscious language of attraction.

Exercises

This chapter has several exercises and I want you to do them all. Even if you grasp the concept just fine, practice makes perfect. So don’t skip any of them.

1. Create three lists:

✓20 achievements that you have accomplished in your life. These don’t have to be big. In fact, you can include anything you’ve done that you are proud of. Maybe you gave a poor person $20. Maybe you ended an unhealthy relationship. Try to stretch yourself and write more than 20.

✓20 things that you love about yourself. These can be qualities, attributes, mindsets or behaviors. Try to stretch and write down more than 20.

✓10 to 20 non-physical qualities, attributes or behaviors that you want in a woman. For example, you might have 15 that are must-haves and 5 that “would be nice to have.” Feel free to create two lists, one for a serious girlfriend and another for more casual friends-with-benefits, one-night stand or booty call arrangements.

1. For the next 3 days, I want you to approach at least one girl each day with a direct, genuine compliment and then ask a qualification question after you introduce yourself. It can be something you want or don’t want in someone you date or it can be something more generic like, “Well I have to go but I don’t know anything about you, so tell me something interesting about you. Like, what are you passionate about?” Remember to ask in a challenging dominant tone, rather than an approval seeking, overly excited submissive tone.

1. Finally, remind yourself every day that you are the prize; you are a catch; you are the selector. Say this in the mirror when you first wake up and before you go to sleep at night. I know it sounds silly, but it really can have a huge impact on your mindset and how you see yourself.

CHAPTER 7:
How to Create A Deep Connection With A Woman

“Trust is the glue of life. It’s the most essential ingredient in effective communication. It’s the foundational principle that holds up all relationships.”

– Stephen R. Covey

THE foundation of creating deep connections

Rapport isn’t about being a pushover, being agreeable or even having a lot of commonalities. Rapport is having a sense of trust and understanding that makes you enjoy being around each other.

I’m sure every guy reading this has met at least one woman he had plenty in common with. Maybe you even spent all night talking about your common interests and were amazed at how well you two got along… yet you’re permanently stuck in the friend zone and can’t figure out why she’s not interested in taking things to the next level.

To successfully have a woman fall for you, you need three things: attraction, sexual tension and trust. Even if a girl likes you and is getting turned on by you, if she feels that you may hurt her, may not be willing to protect her, might not call her in the morning, might tell others about her sexual escapades with you, etc., then she probably won’t sleep with you.

Going home with a guy can be very scary for a woman because the feeling of “public safety” disappears when she's alone with you. Secluded in an apartment puts her in a very vulnerable position, and when she has her clothes off in bed, she'll be at her most vulnerable. She knows that men are bigger and stronger and have the ability to hurt and take advantage of her. So, throughout the night she will be unconsciously alert to see if you are a threat or not, by sensing you, testing you, and “feeling” your emotions and intentions.

If she doesn’t trust you then she won’t put her guard down. No matter what you’re doing, part of her will feel tense and nervous. This, of course, is not an ideal state for arousal. But on the other hand, when you have heartfelt good intentions, the girl will feel safe, open up, and you will be in rapport. Sex might be a physical act, but good sex is also mental.

The bottom line is that rapport builds trust, where all pleasure stems from. The more rapport, sense of connection and understanding you both share, the more she will trust you. The more trust she feels the more likely she'll go home with you and want to see you again.

So the key is to build rapport and avoid breaking it. Some small breaks in rapport are fine, but too many and it will be hard to recover.

Instant Rapport

The most important aspects of rapport involve subconscious communication from one animal brain to the other. This communication conveys, “You are with like kind here, you are safe.” When we can assist a woman's animal brain to let go of its fight or flight fear response and alertness, she has a much easier time putting her guard down and connecting.

Since women are so perceptive and in-tune with their emotions, a certain level of rapport will be established or broken within the first few seconds of meeting her, based on the way you feel.

Remember the concept of emotional contagion? It's worth repeating. If you are feeling nervous, afraid or anxious because you idolize her as the prize, she will feel it and it will rub off on her, thus breaking rapport. And of course, the opposite is also true. If you are grounded, feeling confident and comfortable in her presence, she will feel comfortable as well, and rapport will be instantly established.

This is why I often warm up before meeting a girl for a first date. I’ll talk to random people, chat up the bartender, patrons or anyone in my vicinity to help me feel more confident and social before she even shows up. Since I'm currently living in The Philippines and women tend to be particularly shy, I want my energy and vibe to rub off on her, instead of the other way around.

When you are instantly comfortable in her presence, even if she is a total stranger, she will feel a sense of comfort as well. So practice feeling comfortable talking to strangers, particularly, strangers that you find attractive. Remember, if you aren’t feeling comfortable, go through the grounding sequence from chapter 3.

The Dreaded Awkward Silence

But of course, at some point in the date you are bound to experience the dreaded moment of silence. The nervous nice guy always gets anxious and uncomfortable during this silence and wants to break the tension as soon as possible. She notices him awkwardly sipping his beer as he struggles to think of something to say. He fidgets in his seat. He flashes an awkward smile, wishing she would say something. Finally he breaks the tension with whatever blasé thing that pops into his mind. “Soooo...what's your favorite movie?” His shaky voice reeks with uncertainty, making her feel nervous as she contemplates whether she should text her girlfriend to come save her.

Temporary silence will breakout on every date for a ton of reasons, so you better get used to it. Stop fearing this quiet period and just let it be. Don't worry about filling every space, instead, be comfortable with momentary silence. Breathe deep, feel your body and get grounded, because silence is actually an opportunity to increase the rapport.

You see, couples and good friends often experience prolonged moments of silence and it's no big deal. Neither party feels the need to occupy the space at every moment since they are already comfortable with one another. Which is why, if you can feel comfortable in silence with a woman you’re just getting to know, it can actually create a sense that you’ve known each other a long time. Soon, she’ll begin to feel comfortable with just being in your presence, even if there is no talking, just like she’s with her closer friends, family and lovers.

Your Vibe - The Chameleon Effect

Have you ever seen a sales-person mimick or indirectly copying a person's energy, vibe, mannerisms, posture, gestures, body language, volume, tone and certain words they use? This type of mirroring is very powerful because it builds rapport on a subconscious level because people naturally feel more comfortable around those that are similar to them.

Now obviously, you shouldn’t mirror everything she does because that can look weird and make you lose focus on the conversation. It takes too much mental energy and can sometimes backfire if she notices, or if she is acting very girly or insecure (mannerisms you don’t want to emulate).

So instead of mirroring directly, I recommend the “chameleon” approach. This is similar to “mirroring,” but less obvious, more natural and much easier to do. Just focus on matching her overall energy and vibe, rather than specific mannerisms.

If she is super chill and laid back, then bring down your energy to that level. If she’s in party mode, then crank it up a few notches. You see, if you approach the party girl who’s having the best night of her life while trying to act all cool like James Dean, she’ll blow you off no matter how smooth or handsome you are.

Once you've mastered this, you can move on to matching some of her broader body language mannerisms, pace of speaking and key words that you notice her repeating. Again, don't go overboard or you’ll wind up looking like some giant parrot having a stroke. Stick to matching just one or two things she’s doing at a time. For example, if you notice she talks fast then try talking fast as well. If she speaks in a very low volume, then tone it down a bit. If you notice she is leaning back, then lean back as well. If she smiles a lot, then flash her your pearly whites more than usual. If you’re doing all three at once though, you’re probably overdoing it.

We intuitively like people that are similar to us so make similar gestures, match her volume and pace, backtrack a few key words and subtly match her body language, while not overly copying, especially anything feminine or that could be perceived as weak.

Shared Experiences

My bootcamp student’s constantly want to know, “What do I say to make her attracted?” But the truth is what you say is not nearly important as what you do. And one of the fastest ways to increase rapport is by doing things together. Sharing experiences together can practically make a girl fall in love with you.

The principle is simple. The more activities you do and the more places you visit together, the more rapport increases because each experience creates a new memory. Why do you think business meetings are often conducted on the golf course? Smart executives know that if they share an experience, such as golfing, they are more likely to do business together. The same is true in dating. The more emotional memories she has with you, the more she will value the relationship and feel connected to you.

Each location in the bar, each activity you experience together, and each venue you visit becomes a mini memory within the overall memory of the date. So the more you do, the more memories you share. Which creates a stronger bond and deeper rapport than just chatting together in one location.

Experiencing something new with her, no matter how small, will be 10 times more emotional than talking about even the most intense experience with her.

This applies when you first meet someone as well. The mistake most guys make when they first approach a girl is standing for too long in the same place. Especially if, as is usually the case, she’s with friends. The longer you stay in that spot the longer you are perceived as the “new guy” or outsider. But as soon as you move somewhere, with her alone or her entire group, the sooner you create a sense of togetherness. So try to move her or her group as soon as possible for any reason.

For example, if you meet her near the entrance of the bar, don't just stand there chatting for 30-minutes. Instead, after a few minutes, lead her to your friends and introduce them. Then go shake your butts on the dance floor for a song or two. Then grab a drink at the bar. It’s much better to move three times in thirty minutes, than it is standing in the same place the entire time.

Same is true during the day. If you approach her on the sidewalk, don't stand there for fifteen minutes chatting her up. Instead, after a few minutes, suggest going for a walk. Then grab a cup of coffee or ice-cream. An instant date significantly improves your chances of seeing her again.

This rule applies even more so on a planned date. Most guys go to one venue, usually a restaurant, and spend two or more hours there. Even though they discussed numerous topics and got to know each other, often there isn't enough rapport to successfully go for a kiss, let alone take her home.

Whereas if you visit three to five venues throughout the night, she will feel like it's been on three to five dates. Of course she knows that it's the first date, but she will feel like she’s known you much longer. And since women base most of their decisions, especially when it comes to relationships and sex, on how they feel in that situation, her chances of going home with you increase dramatically.

There are so many possible options for a multi-part date. For example: Start by meeting at a popular landmark in the city instead of directly at the club or restaurant. Then greet her with a strong hug and kiss on the cheek. Walk to the first venue arm in arm, while chatting and asking about her day. If it's nighttime, I recommend a casual bar or lounge for the first venue.

Grab a drink there, but only one. Then stroll to another nearby bar for a second round. Limit your drinks again to just one each. Then, either go for another walk, get a snack somewhere nearby, or check out a scenic area, such as the beach or romantic view of the city, where it would be ideal to go for the kiss. Then, either go to one more venue near your home, or suggest going straight back to your place for another drink or to show her something like a piece of art, your fish tank or view of the city. Either way, it's helpful if the last venue is near your house. Having to drive thirty minutes can kill the momentum.

Emotional Experiences

Do you remember what you were doing when Michael Jackson died? What about when you found out Donald Trump was president of the United States? If you were a fan of Michael, then you probably got really sad and emotional. If you are an American, then you either got angry or excited. Either way, they were emotional experiences for you and you remember them.

What about what you had for dinner last Tuesday night? Do you remember? Unless it was your birthday or a special event then you probably don’t.

You see, we remember emotional events in our lives. Moments that are mundane and unemotional are rarely memorable because they lack strong emotions.

The same is especially true for new people. We remember and develop strong emotional bonds with people that we share emotions with. For examples, I have a friend who fought in the Marines and shared very strong emotions, both good and bad, with the members of his squad. Years later, when he would reunite with men in his unit, it was like they were best friends again. The brotherly bond was so strong because of the strong emotions they shared, even if they were all civilians now and lived separate lives.

But you don’t have to fight to make a rapid and deep connection with a woman. Although it sometimes seems like conflict is the strategy in Latin culture for spicing things up. A better options is to spice up your encounters with enough randomness and emotional ups and downs to create a memorable experience. If you and your date go to multiple places and play some different bar games while talking, flirting and having fun then a strong bond will likely form. Make sure to add some excitement, struggle, anticipation, joy, conflict, mystery, lust and tension. That might sound daunting, but it’s easy when you focus on less traditional activities, fun venues and have conversations that provoke emotion.

Obviously, you don’t want to get in a shouting match about politics or something on a first date, but don’t shy away from talking about any controversial themes that come up. You want to provoke an emotional reaction.

Conversational Rapport

While what you say is the least important aspect of attraction and rapport, it’s true that saying the wrong thing at the wrong time can turn women off fast and cause the whole interaction to blow up in your face. Nine times out of ten though, the problem isn’t that you stepped on some hidden conversational land mine, but rather charged blindly into the forest and cracked your head against an easily avoidable tree trunk.

The most common obstacle guys slam into without thinking is just asking too many questions in a row when they first meet a woman. And I know, they’re just trying to follow the classic advice of letting her talk about herself, but the endless Q&A approach backfires fast. There's nothing wrong with asking fact finding questions, especially on a date, but too many of these type of boring questions in a row drains the recipient’s energy. They make the whole interaction feel like a painful job interview.

So when you first meet a girl don't barrage her with questions like, “Where are you from? What do you do? Do you come here often?” etc. She wants to feel desired and safe, not like she’s being interrogated. Maybe she’s answering everything and you feel some rapport, but that’s only going one way. She’ll be quietly bored, annoyed and searching for an excuse to leave.

The typical conversation from an average guy sounds like this:

Average Guy: “Where are you from?”

Girl: “Cincinnati”

Average Guy: “Oh cool, so what do you do there?”

Girl: “I'm a nurse”

Average Guy: “Oh nice, so what brings you to LA?”

Girl: “I'm just visiting a friend”

Average Guy: “Cool, so how long are you staying here?”

Girl: “Just a week.”

Average Guy: “Then you are going back to Cincinnati?”

See how the Average Guy is just trying to extract as much information as he can from the girl? It makes the guy seem overly invested. This gets exhausting and annoying fast, if not downright scary when she wonders if he’s some type of stalker.

One simple way to improve this is to provide a comment after each response she gives. Just ask a question and then insert a comment. It can be a comment about her answer that reveals your experience of it, someone else's experience of it, or having no experience of it. This also gives her a chance to ask some questions herself and build natural conversational rapport.

Let's take the response, “Cincinnati” for example. If you have been there you can say something like, “Oh cool I was there last year and I found the people so much friendlier than LA.” Or if you’ve never been there, you can tell someone else's experience of it. “My friend was just there and he said the people are so friendly. Do you think that’s true?” Or, finally, you can talk about how you have never been there, “I've never been, but I always wanted to visit. Maybe I'll stay with you next time. But you have to promise to behave.” (This is meant to be a joke.) Either way, she’ll respond to any of the above, usually with her own query, which will lead to a more naturally flowing conversation instead of a verbal questionnaire to fill out.

So, start getting into the habit of making a short comment after she answers your questions. Remember, it can be about your own experience, someone else's experience, or about how you’ve never experienced it.

After you give a brief comment about her answer, you can either ask a followup question, change topics by asking a new question, or answer the same question yourself.

A good rule to follow is to never ask more than two questions in a row. Think about it. Every time you ask something, you’re creating the context that you want something from the other person. Even if it’s just information, there’s a needy context here which is emotionally draining for the person answering. So when you noticed you just asked two questions in a row, then it’s time to make a statement or comment.

It's important to know that you don't have to wait for her to ask you a question in order to reveal information about yourself. It's perfectly okay to talk about yourself. This helps her get to know your values and views on life, which creates a connection.

Balance is key. If you ask too many questions, without making comments or giving any information about yourself, then she will get irritated. On the other hand, if you talk about yourself too much, without asking her any questions, you will seem arrogant, uninterested, and “full of yourself.”

The 70/30 Rule

Approaching a woman isn’t like a job interview where you are trying to prove yourself in hopes of winning a new job. Let her talk about herself instead of you droning on about how impressive you are.

As a general rule, I recommend being 70% interested and 30% interesting when initially meeting a new woman. After all, people love talking about themselves, and before you invest too much time you want to know if she’s even worth your time. Maybe she’s married to a jealous UFC fighter. Maybe she’s an empty-headed bobble doll that’ll bore you to death in five minutes. For all you know, she could even be a vegetarian (or an avid hunter, if you’re a vegan). The point is, beauty is only skin deep, so you must get a feeling of what you’re diving into before investing your time and emotional effort.

The reason getting her to open up, and actively listening and sympathizing with her, builds rapport and connection is because everyone wants to be heard. Everyone’s favorite subject is themselves. It’s not a female only thing. Just about everyone, whether they admit it or not, loves talking about themselves.

When we divulge personal information about ourselves, while the other person actually listens instead of just waiting for their turn to speak, we can’t help but feel closer to the listener. We tend to feel like that person must really get us and understand us. This makes the speaker feel a sense of trust and safety towards the listener.

Now, this doesn’t mean just nodding along and smiling. I’m talking about asking questions and being genuinely interested. Otherwise, you’re wasting your time and hers. So let’s cover the details of being interested and establishing an instant rapport.

Emotional Questions

The quality of your questions is important. Boring questions lead to boring answers. If you ask something she’s answered over and over with other people, then she’ll give her standard autopilot response. Nothing emotional happens inside of her. She won’t feel anything.

Questions like, “Have you been here before?” or “What are you drinking?” leave you with one-word answers like, “nope” or “wine.” I recommend substituting standard close-ended questions with interesting open-ended queries that lead to emotional answers, insights into her world, or reveal her motivations in life. This will make you stand out from all the guys who ask boring questions, and will lead to deeper conversation that builds an instant connection.

Here are some examples of variants to the general getting to know someone questions:

“If we could go anywhere in the world right now where would we go?”

“What one thing gets you really excited when you wake up in the morning?”

“What would you do if you had no chance of failure?”

“What's your biggest fear?”

“What are you passionate about?”

“If you had a million dollars what would you do with it?”

“Tell me one of the craziest life experiences you’ve had?”

“What do you most want out of life?”

Do you see how these are deeper questions that lead to emotionally charged answers? She’s had the same conversation about work or where she’s from over and over again. The person asking those questions don’t stand out in her mind. But when someone sparks conversation that triggers a pleasant emotion, that will be a meaningful interaction she will remember and cherish.

Instead of, “where do you work” and “how long have you worked there?” ask “what do you love most about your job?” Instead of, “where are you from?” or “how long did you live there?” ask “what do you love most about your hometown?” You get the idea, but there’s a more comprehensive list in the Language of Attraction (LOA) Cheat Sheet at the end of this book.

With just a little effort, you can find a fun variant to every typical logic question that doesn’t yield generic facts, like how long she did something or where she did it. If nothing else, ask emotionally charged follow up questions like, “What made you want to do that?” “What was that like?” “How did that make you feel?” or “You have to tell me that story.”

Remember, girls respond better to emotions. When talking about her recent trip to Europe it’s better to ask:

“How did you feel traveling alone?” or “What did you love about France?”

Rather than:

“When did you go?” or “How long were you there?”

The latter gives you a boring fact like, “last year,” or “one month,” whereas the prior gives you emotions like, “I was so excited to be out of the country for the first time, but it was kind of scary,” or “I loved the smell of the fresh baguettes in the cafes.” If you ask her, “What did you love about France?” she will likely talk about the emotions she felt, the sights she saw, how much she loves to travel, or some of the adventures she had, and these topics will make her light up with enthusiasm.

Always remember that women are emotion addicts, so the more positive emotions you offer and provoke, the better. Still, don’t worry if negative emotions crop up. Even reliving a scary or sad experience, momentarily at least, can add to the experience and emotional rollercoaster of the interaction.

I remember when a girl started crying on our first date as she explained how her family wouldn't support her pursuit of acting. I sat there listening empathetically, making comments like, “That must have been really hard.” Even though I felt bad for her situation, I also knew it added to the emotional intensity of our date.

I know, I know, shame on me for thinking that. But don’t worry. I cheered her up soon with comments like, “You are so full of emotion. You’d make an amazing actress,” and “Don't worry, you will prove them all wrong.” I showed that I understood her world and what she must have been feeling, while also encouraging her and believing in her. Needless to say, we created new positive emotional memories shortly after.

Remember, women want more than just a pleasant conversation, they need an emotional experience.

Talking About Yourself

It’s important to share your own interests, goals, aspirations, experiences, motivations and emotions throughout the interaction. But don’t be like most guys who share their entire life story right away. Always leave her wondering a little and wanting to learn more. As I mentioned, a good rule of thumb is to be 30% interesting (talking about yourself) and 70% interested (finding out about her).

When she asks you questions, don’t give short responses like, “I like video games,” “I’m a graphic designer,” or “I like cheese.” Unless she knows a lot about the subject, a short answer kills the conversational thread.

To solve this problem simply add the word “because” after your answer, and give your reason why you like it. Using the word “because,” forces you to expand on the answer and provides more conversational options. Even if she can’t relate to your experience or interest, she can probably relate the feeling or motivation behind it.

Examples:

“I like video games because it’s a way to challenge myself and I feel accomplished when I win a game. Do you know what I mean?”

This statement can lead to a discussion about games, ways of challenging one’s self or accomplishments.

“I’m a graphic designer because I’ve always had a passion for art and I love using my creativity.”

This statement can lead to a conversation about graphic design, passions, art, or creativity.

“I like cheese because when I was a kid my mom fed me cheddar anytime I cried, so it became my comfort food.”

This statement may lead to a discussion about favorite foods, comfort foods, family or childhood memories.

Did you notice how using the word, “because,” not only forces you to provide her with more insight into who you are and offers more emotion to the conversation, but also creates many subject options for the two of you to choose from?

A conversation ends when there are no more threads or topics to choose from. So give rich answers with multiple threads to add depth and emotion to the conversation and more options to the direct the conversation.

Empathetic Listening

As you ask questions and talk about yourself, she’ll open up more and more about her life, her goals, her experiences and her interests. As she starts to open up more to you, make sure you are actively and empathetic listening. This means, while she is talking ask questions to provoke more emotions like, “Really? Tell me about that?” or “What was that like?” or “That must have been really hard?”

For example, if she won a competition, you can talk about how proud she must have felt when she won. You could also ask emotionally charged follow up question like, “What was it like when you won?” or “What motivated you to compete?” The more she opens up to you the more she will trust you and feel safe to reveal more and progress the interaction.

Appreciation

Women love to be desired for their physical appearance, but they also want to be desired for their inner beauty as well. As she opens up, make sure to reward her with appreciation. Humans crave to feel accepted, so make sure she knows you value her qualities, passions and accomplishments. You could say, “I love how dedicated you are. Most people would have given up, but you kept going and that says a lot about you,” or, “You have a great attitude and I love how passionate you are. I think that's a rare quality.”

The point is, you must really care about what she’s saying, or she will assume you don’t really care about her and only want her for sex, which of course, can make her feel unsafe. Be genuinely curious about her passions, fears, goals, and dreams and watch her open up to you like a beautiful flower.

Cold Reading

The one thing people love more than talking about themselves is insight into how other’s perceive them. We love to know what others think about us.

Cold reading is when you make an assumption or educated guess about someone based on your perception of them. It’s great because instead of asking questions, which is extracting information, you’re giving information. If you request too many details too soon, it can feel draining for the other person. So mix in cold reading as a way to balance out your questions.

If you get the cold read right, the person will think you really get them. If you get it wrong, then they will usually correct you, thus still revealing the information you wanted. They might even ask why you thought that, which can lead to an interesting conversation.

For example, instead of asking, “Where are you from?” you could say, “You seem like you are a big city girl, maybe New York or Los Angeles.”

Instead of asking, “Do you have a naughty side?” which is kind of an odd question, you could say, “I can tell you have little bit of a naughty side, but you hide it well.”

An easy formula to follow is, “You seem like you X,” or “I feel like you X,” where “X” is a statement about her such as, “are a country girl,” or “were put in time out a lot when you were young,” or “are very spontaneous.”

You can also use generalities and truisms, things that are generally true for most people. The easiest way to do this is by naming different conflicting “sides” or “parts” of one's personality.

For example, “I feel like there is a wild side of you that wants to be crazy and indulge in bad behavior, but then there’s another part that wants to be a good girl and play it safe.” This is generally true about most people.

Another example is, “I bet there’s a part of you that just wants to be independent and make all your own decisions, but there’s another part that wants a strong man to take control and lead you.” Usually true about most women.

This works great because when you are right she’ll feel like you really understand her world. And even if she says, “no I’m not really like that,” it’s still more interesting conversation than asking, “Are you independent?”

Get in the habit of making cold read statements and being more perceptive. Women will love you for it.

Being Vulnerable

One of the keys to getting a girl to fall in love with you is for her to open up about very personal experiences. And the best way to do that is for you to open up first. Vulnerability isn’t a weakness, but rather crucial to deep rapport. Since no one is perfect and we all have our flaws, when you open up about your vulnerabilities and mistakes, it lets her see you as an authentic human being and makes you more relatable. The man who acts perfect and always does and says the right things, or tries to be that way, cannot be trusted. Let’s face it, no one is perfect.

When you open up to her in a vulnerable way, she will likely reciprocate, revealing something personal about her life. When she tells you something only close people in her life know, then you’ve taken a huge step inside her inner circle.

So when you have a chance, confess a secret or mistake in your life. Disclose a failure in which you learned a valuable lesson. Tell her about a tragedy that you had to overcome. Just don’t overdo it or get too depressing. This should be a spice in your verbal recipe, not the main ingredient or you may just appear as a failure. Mix vulnerability with victory so that you come out on top.

Here’s an example of a vulnerability story that I’ve told many times:

Have you ever felt like you really disappointed your family? I remember when I felt like I really disappointed my parents. They helped me through college where I studied computers, but instead of getting a nice programming job, I sold garage doors. My passion wasn’t programming. It was performing on stage in my band. One day my mom called me and said, “When are you going to give up this foolish dream and get a good job?” I could tell she was concerned, and rightly so.

I started doubting myself, wondering what if my mom is right and what if we don’t make it and it’s all for nothing. The computer world changes so quickly and if I waited, then I might not be able to get any decent job. I felt really sad and depressed for a while, because I didn’t want to fail my family and waste all that time and all their money on my education, having it just go down the drain. But eventually I snapped out of it, and used the desire to not disappoint my family to motivate me to work even harder. That work finally paid off when, in the span of a few months, my band won Performer of the Year at the L.A. Music Awards and were featured on MTV2 and went on tour for two weeks with Linkin Park and My Chemical Romance. I’ll never forget when my mom called me when we were on tour and said, “I knew you could do it. I always believed in you!”

Storytelling

Stories are powerful because it invokes emotion. A good story can captivate the listeners and makes them feel like they are right there with you in the story.

The content of your stories doesn’t have to be amazing, like saving orphans from a burning building or stopping a villains plot to take over the world, but you do need to be a good storyteller or you will lose the interest of your audience. If the listener asks, “Then what?” or “What’s the point?” at the end of your story, then you know you did a bad job telling it.

Most dating coaches preach using stories that Demonstrate High Value (DHV Stories). They claim that your stories should be filled with examples of all your attractive qualities in order to impress her and make her see you as a potential suitor. I tried these DHV stories many times when I first started learning “game,” and let me tell you, this old school pickup method isn’t necessary. Women put little value on the actual facts you convey. They care about the way you make them feel.

So don’t worry about bragging in your stories. You don’t need to try and interject a story about your supermodel ex-girlfriend or your trip to China with Obama. The attractiveness in your stories come from how you tell the tale, more than any cool features. Are you speaking with confidence? Are you speaking with emotion and enthusiasm? Are you painting a vivid picture in her mind that takes her on an emotional journey? Is there enough suspense leading to a climatic or funny ending?

That being said, you shouldn’t convey too many negative qualities about yourself either. Vulnerabilities are fine, just no stories about cheating on your last girlfriend or your current porn addiction. At least, not on the first date. There’s plenty of time to peel back the layers of your soul later.

Instead of trying to brag by demonstrating your worth, I recommend telling stories that convey a fun idea, such as seizing the moment or being in tune with one’s sexuality. This causes her to think about those subjects, without blatantly instructing her to do so. For example, if you have a great story about losing your virginity, and who doesn’t have a good story about that, then sharing it in a positive or vulnerable light can lead to discussing sexuality, romantic adventures and forgoing inhibition to quench one’s desires.

The key is that your stories must be in context and fit the moment. This is why bragging stories rarely have the intended effect, since they often appear out of context, thus reinforcing that you are trying to prove your worth. The story should make sense with what is being discussed and not seem forced and out of nowhere. If she says she wants to visit Australia, then your story of diving the Great Barrier Reef would make sense. If you are discussing your career, then a story about how you started your business would be fitting. But if you start talking about your diving expedition or your business venture, when the subject is how her parents separated when she was twelve, then it’s so obviously forced and unnatural.

The length of your story should also fit the context. If you just met a group of girls in a loud bar, then a long story wouldn’t make sense, because they don’t even know you yet. If it’s an hour into a date, then a longer story can work fine, assuming the story is interesting. So make sure to lengthen or shorten your anecdotes as necessary. A general rule of thumb is the earlier it is in the interaction, the shorter your tale should be.

Now that you know how to fit the story in context, you need to make sure to capture your audience’s attention. The content isn’t super important, but there should always be an intro that hooks the listener and sets the stage of the story, a conflict or some unexpected twist, and then an ending resolution.

That doesn’t mean that any story with this structure will be deemed worthy. What separates the good from the boring when it comes to storytelling is emotion. Enthusiasm, passion and excitement make even the most mundane story feel enthralling. The key to doing this is to relive the story in your mind as you are telling it. Feel those emotions of the moment instead of just reciting what happened.

By reliving the story in your mind, it forces you to describe the sights, sounds and feelings in details, making her feel like she’s actually there. The depth of the details will depend on the length of your story. A three-minute story should be easily cut to thirty seconds when you cut out most of the details.

Let’s take this example: “I once climbed the Great Wall of China. It was really fun. We climbed so high up that we almost missed our bus home. But luckily we made it back in time.”

Now, even though it has a hook, some conflict and a resolution, it’s not that interesting because it lacks details. Telling the story with enthusiasm and emotion will help, but it will still remain lackluster without some descriptive language.

Here’s a better version: “A few years ago I was in Beijing with my best friend and we decided to take an excursion to The Great Wall. After the two-hour bus ride to the entrance of the Wall, we got out of the van. It was freezing and we could see the wall in the distance covered in snow. How were we going to climb up, we wondered? As we got to the entrance of the Wall, the sheer magnitude took our breath away. The steps were slick and we fell a few times, but we were determined to get to the top lookout point. We knew we only had an hour to go up and an hour to get back down before the bus left, but on we went. We still hadn’t made it to the top and we only had thirty minutes until it was time to leave. Finally, we made it to the top and it was breathtaking. After five minutes of enjoying the view we realized we only had twenty minutes to make it all the way back, which took us over an hour and a half to get to the top. There was only one way to make it back in time, we had to slide down the snowy Great Wall on our butts. This was actually really fun.”

Do you see how the details make this story a lot more interesting?

Bottom Line: You Have To Affect Her

Isn’t it great when you discover that you and the girl you are on a date with have a lot in common? But the problem is that a lot of guys start seeking out commonalities, hoping to build rapport, and end up saying they like things they really don’t like. Not only is this a bad idea because it is dishonest and can make you seem like a “pleaser,” but having a lot of commonalities is not really that important.

What is important is that you affect her. What I mean by that is that she has to feel emotion in order to feel attraction. Even if you have multiple commonalities, but the interaction feels nice and friendly instead of romantic or sexually charged, then you will likely end up in the friend zone. I’m saying this because I don’t want you to get too caught up in trying to “find” commonalities.

Instead of trying to find commonalities, your mission should be to express who you really are, while trying to discover who she really is. When you express your identity freely, you will sometimes run into disagreements.

It’s totally fine to disagree about things. In fact, don’t be afraid to offend her, because that will create feelings. I’m not saying you should try to piss her off, I’m just saying that you should talk about what you want to talk about. That’s never an issue around your friends, right? So, do the same and don’t be on a mission to please her.

If you say something she disagrees with, so what? Women love an emotional rollercoaster. Ups and downs are what make the interaction exciting. Too much niceness, friendliness, agreeing, and supplicating makes things dry and boring. Instead, be exciting and say the unexpected.

I’ve lost several girls on dates for expressing my wants and desires openly. One time in the Ukraine a girl even told me, “Here we don’t talk about sexual things like that.” But even though it is a more traditional culture, I stayed true to who I was and didn’t change for her. And I did end up losing that girl, but that’s a good thing, because I didn’t waste my time with someone that wasn’t compatible for what I was looking for. I wanted something fun, spontaneous, romantic and sexual, she didn’t. But as I went on more dates and uninhibitedly expressed who I was and what I desired, I ended up finding women who were a lot more compatible, and therefore, a lot more fun. If I would have tried to be the man my first date wanted, I would have probably only dated her and not gotten very far with her, and missed out on some amazing experiences.

The point is, women want a man who is exciting, not someone who is afraid to express himself because he’s not sure if she’ll like what he has to say. It’s always better to say something random and interesting than be boring and predictable. This next technique will help you be a lot more random and interesting.

Deep VS Wide Rapport

Have you ever met a woman and it turned out you had a similar interest or hobby, so you talked about that same subject for an hour thinking, “This is great, we are really connecting!”

For example, you found out she is from the same city as you so you ask her about how long she lived there, what high school she went to and and if she’s been to certain restaurants. Then, after an hour long conversation about the city you both grew up in, she leaves without a hug or offering her number. How can that happen if you had something like that in common?

The reason is because you only talked about one subject. Even though you went deep on the subject of your hometown, she didn’t know anything else about you and vice versa. She didn't feel a deep connection.

The key is to have deep rapport and wide rapport. Deep rapport is going in great emotional depth and detail on one or two subjects. Wide rapport, on the other hand, is discussing several topics, each one briefly. I suggest to go “deep” on passions, struggles and life changing events, and “wide” on hobbies, interests and uneventful experiences.

Generally, if you only have a minute or two to talk with someone, then go for wide rapport. If you are on a date, or have more time to talk, then go for a combination of deep and wide rapport.

Wide Rapport Conversation Example:

Me: “I don't know much about you so tell me something interesting about you before I go.”

Girl: “I'm not sure, um, well, I sing.”

Me: “Really? I used to play guitar and sing in a rock band. Is singing a passion of yours or just something you do once in a while?”

Girl: “Yeah it's a passion. I do it professionally.”

Me: “What made you want to be a singer?”

Girl: “Because I love being on stage. It's such a rush.”

Me: “Yeah I know what you mean, it's like you feed off the energy of the crowd and they feed off your energy as well. I really miss being on stage and performing. That's awesome that you are following your dream. Most people give up and settle for less in life. I like that you are pursuing your passion.”

Girl: “Yeah, thanks!”

Me: “I love music. Maybe I'll come check out your next show.”

Girl: “That'd be great!”

Me: “I can tell you also work out. That's really important to me because I like to take care of my body.”

Girl: “Yeah, I love to go to the gym. It makes me feel accomplished and really good about myself.”

Me: “I know what you mean. I feel that way after I finish writing for my blog.”

This was a short interaction I had with a girl who was shopping. Did you notice how I talked about more than one topic in that short amount of time? I also gave examples from my own life and showed appreciation for her non-physical qualities.

When you have conversations like that, while matching her energy and feeling confident and grounded, rapport and attraction are a natural byproduct. A short two or three minute conversation is often all you need to make her want to see you again, or take things further right then and there.

Deep Rapport Conversation Example:

Me: “You seem like you have big dreams, like you want to change the world.”

Girl: “Oh my God, yes! I have been thinking a lot about doing an outreach program in Africa to help the starving children.”

Me: “Wow, I actually went to Mexico a while back for something similar. It was amazing and made me appreciate my life here in America.”

Girl: “Yeah that’s part of the reason I want to go, because it’s so easy for me to get used to living such a comfortable life, you know what I mean?”

Me: “That’s very perceptive of you. Most people take their life and what they have for granted, but you actually want to see what it’s like to live like the majority of the world who don’t have our luxuries. That’s awesome. What inspired you to want to go?”

Girl: “I just kept seeing those commercials on TV of the starving children with the big stomachs surrounded by flies and it really pulled at my heart. So I started researching on Google and found an outreach program and I contacted them.”

Me: “So you are really serious about helping. That’s admirable. Most girls here in L.A. are not like that. Everyone here is so selfish. It’s rare to meet someone who cares about kids like that. I actually have four kids in Asian countries that I sponsor. It’s so gratifying and rewarding.”

Girl: “Yes! That’s what I want. I know that if I give to these kids I’ll get so much more in return.”

So, did you notice how, even though there were different angles of the conversation, we generally stayed on the same subject. She was very passionate about this topic, so it wouldn’t have made sense to jump into something else, especially since it was drawing out a lot of emotion.

The New York Times published an article about a study claiming that asking and answering a series of 36 specific questions on a date could lead to intense feelings of intimacy and cause them to fall in love. This is a great example of deep and wide rapport because some questions would lead into deep conversation, while others would not. Since it covers so many topics, the two people learn many personal details about each other, thus creating a more intimate connection. The more someone reveals about themselves as the other person listens empathetically and comments sympathetically, the more that person feels trust and rapport.

To see all of the questions in the article, check out the Conversation Cheat Sheet section at the end of the book.

Breaking Rapport

You should never hesitate to say or do something you want for fear that she will reject you. That is needy behavior and you are far more likely to lose the girl by trying too hard to please her than by speaking your mind. Don’t be afraid to say what you want, even if it breaks rapport.

In fact, a few small breaks in rapport can actually heighten the emotional intensity of the interaction because when you dive back into the conversation the connection is sparked again. However, breaking rapport too often or for too long, like with an argument, drains the sexual chemistry you’re building up.

Disagreeing is fine, as long as it’s done in a respectful way. You are allowed to express different opinions, but always let her know that her opinion is valid. You can say, “you do have a point,” or “that does make sense” and move on.

What you don’t want to do is argue because resistance can severely break rapport. So avoid arguing about anything on a date. If she says or does something you don’t like, or has a deal breaker, then feel free to end the date early. If it’s only a passing annoyance, keep your mouth shut. Either way, always treat her opinions with respect.

To reiterate your selector status, keep in mind that you don’t have to keep a date going if you know you are not compatible. It’s a waste of both your time. If you qualified her and she didn’t qualify, or she openly expressed something that is a deal breaker for you, it’s actually more respectful to end it early rather than dragging things on.

Teasing

I was on a date with a girl in Venice Beach, California and we were playing my favorite getting to know each other date game, the Question Game. I instructed her that the questions had to be challenging. Nothing like, “how old are you?” or “what’s your sign?” But regardless, she decided to break the rules and ask, “Are you a dog or cat person?”

Instead of giving a boring one-word response about my favorite furry pet, I decided this would be a great chance to tease her. “That’s all you want to know about me? Am I a dog or cat person? Shoot me now!” She busted out laughing and eventually I answered. This led to some fun callback humor throughout the date, especially when I asked her, “what are some good dating tips for guys?” I busted out my phone to record her answer for my Instagram story. “Should they ask if you are a dog or cat person?” I teased.

A great way to break rapport in a fun way and create more emotional ups and downs is through teasing. When done effectively, teasing doesn’t break rapport but makes it more intense, like the highs and lows on a roller coaster. When you tease or poke fun at someone in a playful way, you create a sense of familiarity. Typically, only people who’ve known each other for a long time tease each other. So when you tease you embody the traits and characteristics of someone she’s very familiar with, thus deepening the rapport.

We’ll cover teasing in more detail in the next chapter on flirting.

Cultivating An Interesting Personality

I want to reiterate the importance of being interested, rather than being interesting. Remember, a good rule of thumb is to be 70% interested, and only 30% interesting. In conversation, more of the focus should be on the other person to make them feel special and show that you really care about what they have to say. Plus, as the selector, you are learning about her to see if she is someone you want to continue a relationship with.

That being said, the other 30% of the time you will be relating back to her, telling stories, answering questions and talking about yourself. And of course, you don’t want to bore your audience.

Would you like to know the secret to being interesting?

It’s simple. Try exciting things that will garner a wealth of interesting stories and experiences. You don’t have to master a ton of new skills, but just trying out new activities makes you a far more interesting man. This will also ensure you never run out of things to say because your area of expertise and knowledge will be so broad you can’t exhaust it in a single date. Simply put, when you learn about and have more life experiences, you will be able to relate to a wider range of people who have also had similar experiences.

For example, I’ve traveled to 78 countries and I often meet women in my gym or in the elevator who happen to be from one of the countries I’ve visited. When that happens, we instantly have something to talk about and connect on, especially when they are from a country like Moldova or Belarus that not many tourists frequent. When I tell her about my experiences in her home country, it always brightens her day and she feels like I’m someone who understands her world.

Have an interesting life, travel, take different classes, join groups and organizations that interest you, read books, become a philanthropist, and always be willing to try new things. Have you been skydiving? It’s time to do it. Have you seen the Great Pyramids of Egypt? Book yourself a trip now. Did you try improv comedy class? Look up a location in your city.

Here are my top 6 favorite classes that I recommend trying out, because they will also improve your skills with women:

1. Toastmasters, or any public speaking class, because even when you are talking to a woman that you approached in the supermarket, you are still speaking in public. If you can stay poised and relaxed in front of an audience, talking one on one will be a breeze.

2. Improv comedy class because it helps you think on your feet, become wittier and cleverer, improves your bantering skills, and helps you be more grounded and present in-the-moment.

3. Self-defense class because it keeps you fit, boosts your confidence to a whole new level, and makes you a better protector of women.

4. Dance class, such as salsa, because they are filled with women, you learn how to lead women, you will become more comfortable touching new women, and you can show off your moves at a club or on a date. And don’t forget that a lot of women equate a good dancer to being a good lover.

5. Cooking class is great because they are full of women, and women love a man that knows how to cook for them. A great second or third date is to cook for her at your place.

6. Yoga class because it’s also full of women and you have the added health, mindfulness and spiritual benefits. When you participate in classes that most women are familiar with, you can quickly find commonalities and connect on her interests.

Take a second to think of the most interesting things you’ve done in the last four weeks. If you can’t think of anything interesting, then that’s probably an indication that you need to make an effort to experience more. Make it a habit to do one new activity, trip, adventure or experience each month. This will help you accumulate stories of the interesting things you’ve done.

Even when you talk about something she’s never done before, but you talk about it with excitement and emotion, she will become intrigued. She’ll feel some of the experience with you, thus contributing to the emotional rollercoaster of the interaction.

Chapter Recap

1. She won’t remember what you said a year from now, but she’ll always remember how she felt when you first met.

1. Rather than try to hype up how interesting you are, be approximately 70% interested and 30% interesting.

1. Women want a man who is exciting, not someone who is afraid to express himself because he’s not sure if she’ll like what he has to say. It’s okay to say what’s on your mind and break rapport momentarily. This adds to the emotional momentum of the interaction, which is better than being boring and predictable.

1. What you do together creates more rapport and trust than what you say to her.

Exercises

1. Write down five interesting questions that you can ask next time you are on a date. Come up with your own answers to these questions. Make sure each answer goes beyond surface level.

1. Come up with a great answer to the question, “What do you do for work?” Remember to use the word “because” to help elicit motivations and emotions to your answer.

1. Go out and have five interactions with attractive women and get them to open up about themselves. These can be strangers on the street or women you already know. The point is to ask an emotionally charged question and respond with genuine and emotional comments and follow up questions.

PHASE III: CLOSING THE DEAL ––
ADVANCED TECHNIQUES FOR EVERY SITUATION

CHAPTER 8:
Creating A Fun And Flirty Vibe

“I think the eyes flirt most. There are so many ways to use them.”

- Anna Held

Something caught my eye. As I turned my gaze, a lean figure enveloped me. My eyes traced her steps as she made her way through the market. She had her long dark hair tied up in a bun, and she was wearing a semi-typical skirt down to her ankles, a look that was common in this region. But there was something about the way she strode, her shoulders tucked back, chin raised, eyes surveying her surroundings that really drew me in. It was only a few seconds before I took action.

It was an hour into myBangalore boot camp with four eager Indians waiting to master the secrets of approaching and attracting women during the daytime. This would make a perfect example of how to approach a sexy stranger on the street.

I instructed the students to follow me as I made my approach. I stopped her with an outstretched hand along the rim of her exposed arm. The stray dark curls that hung like black diamonds whipped across her face as she turned to face me. Stroking the stray hairs behind her ear revealed deep, voluminous eyes gazing back at mine. For a moment, I hung in speechless awe at her beauty.

Everything I teach my students about confidence, being grounded, and managing tension quickly activated. I hovered between the precipice of choice and allowed the curiosity and suspense to build for a few brief moments before I snared her with my first words.

“This is somewhat unexpected, but I was just sitting over there, at the café and I noticed you. I just had to come meet you… Hi, my name’s Matt.”

I kept on a sly smile and deep eye contact while reaching out my hand to hers. She hesitated, looking at me with a peculiar grin. She took my hand and gave a gentle shake.

“You are not from here,” she said, assured of herself.

“Actually, I’m here on business.”

The grin spread to her lips before parting slightly to show the upper row of her teeth. I couldn’t help but recognize how white they were.

She continues, commanding my attention back to her eyes, “Men here don’t usually greet women with a handshake.”

It dons on me then. I place my hands together and give her a gentle bow of the head while uttering, “Namaste.” This only makes her smile more. A shallow giggle escapes her lips. She shakes her head and reiterates that it’s fine, “It happens all the time here with foreigners, especially men from the West.” The way she said West actually sparked my interest, but I didn’t say anything. Instead, I moved the conversation forward and back into my control.

“Anyway, you’re stunning.” This caused her to roll her eyes and let out a little “hmph,” but her eyes were smiling.

“Is that so?” she said.

“Definitely. There’s no doubt about it.”

“Well, thank you. That’s very kind of you.”

I knew by the way she was glowing that she could feel my desire. This is the point many men find themselves in and don’t know how to proceed. It’s easy to start up the conversation and compliment, but once that’s over, there always seems to be that awkward moment between what happens next. What you do in those few seconds are crucial, so pay close attention to how I qualified her.

The next words that came out of my mouth would make or break the conversation and would determine whether I got her number, saw her again, or even led to more physical encounters. Seeing as I was only in town for a few days, a serious relationship wasn’t ideal. I wanted something fun, exciting, and spontaneous. Someone who I could let loose with, drink a couple beers, and have a good time with.

I licked my lips and cocked my head to the side slightly.

“But I’m still not sure about you,” I said.

Her forehead wrinkled slightly and her eyes locked on mine. I could feel her stance shift slightly as she instinctively crossed her hands by her waist. It wasn’t an outright barricade, but it definitely was the preliminary subliminal message of defense. Already she was putting her walls up before I even had a chance to continue.

It’s important to pay attention to her body language. You’d be surprised at how much a girl will tell you without saying a single word. I didn’t allow her closed off posture to deter me from my goal. Remember, you’re the prize, and you are qualifying her. If she shuts you down before you get the chance, then she did you a service.

In my case, she shut down slightly, but still remained open to what I had to say. She didn’t respond. Her eyes did the questioning. I could tell she was more curious of my explanation than the actual words themselves.

All this took place within a blink of an eye. It’s the subtle things that can trick you up.

I continued, without pausing to allow her a rebuttal, “I’m only here for a few days…”

I saw the unmistakable recognition come across her face that so many men see. I knew what she was thinking immediately. She didn’t have to tell me. It’s the same thing most women complain about when they say there are no good men out there. This won’t be you!

She was likely thinking, “Oh, here we go again. Another American who thinks he can get laid by any foreign woman he comes across. I’ve heard it all before.” There was one problem with her thinking. I’m not just “another American.” This is the way you must think too. But before she could allow her insecurities of past failed experiences with unskilled tradesmen, I rocked her world with a new, fresh approach; something she had never heard before and was not expecting. It’s important to keep them guessing in the beginning.

“…and I’d love to see you again, maybe get dinner or something, learn a little more about the culture here, but…” I paused for emphasis, and even allowed my eyes to waver from her and to the crowd around us.

When I returned my focus to her, I could see she had her walls up and was most likely planning her own escape. But this did not deter me. Remember, women like men who take charge and are not predictable; who surprise them, makes them second guess what they’ve been told, learned, or experienced about men.

“But I’m not sure if we can hang out yet.” I let that statement sit for a moment. Her demeanor changed almost instantaneously. I saw her jaw tighten before her eyes widened with shock and her shoulders relaxed. Within a few seconds, she brought her hands up to her chest, still crossed, but this time it was more out of playful resistance than a sheer determination to withdraw. Her eyes burned with curiosity and with an almost kind of defiant, “I’ll show you” attitude.

Everything was set up. The whole situation and conversation was in my hands. All there was left to do was utter my first qualifier.

“You’re beautiful. But since I have a very limited amount of time here, I want to make sure I spend it with someone fun. Are you fun?”

Her defiance came out.

“What makes you think you’re worth my time?”

The tables were turning and I could sense it, but I stood my ground. Usually women qualify you by the sum total of how you make them feel, but sometimes they’ll be more direct. If you don’t panic and just stay grounded, this is a great opportunity. I allowed a short chuckle and then brushed my hand against her shoulder in a playful swap.

“You’re good,” I said, pointing my finger at her and scrunching up my nose. “But seriously, tell me something interesting about you because I don't know anything about you.” I paused a second, then quickly added, “Then if you’re cool, we’ll hang out.” I winked.

She bit her lip and squinted just a little. I could tell she was mulling it over in her mind. While I waited for her response, I knew I was in the power seat. Even though she tried to play sassy and reserved, I knew she was attracted to me. Her body language nearly dripped with it. She had already proven that she was okay with my lack of cultural knowledge and was responsive to my touch. (She didn’t withdraw or react to my touching her arm). It’s good to mix in slight gestures of touch in your interactions. It establishes a little physical dialect and enables you to know if there’s a possible connection. Any girl who backs or pulls away inadvertently when you touch her hand, arm, or shoulder is a clear sign to you that she's not comfortable yet.

What she said next threw me for a loop, in a good way.

“I like bananas.”

I laughed out loud and asked, “Are you serious?”

In which case, she merely nodded. I can’t express the number of sexual innuendos that formulated in my mind in that split second. There were so many things I could come back with and really test her, see how far she would go before hitting the limit. This is also where it’s important to know what you’re after. If you just want someone to talk to, become friends with, or have a casual conversation with, then you won’t want to respond with what came out of my mouth next. But…if you have a twinge of interest in becoming more sexually involved with your potential lover, then have at it.

I’m not going to lie. It took me a good bit before I was able to respond. This is okay. This shows the girl that you are thinking about your answer and can amp up the tension, especially if she throws a curl ball like, “I like bananas” your way. Judging from her open posture, I knew she was thinking something similar.

“So,” I said, trying not to laugh, “what is it about bananas that you like so much?” What I really wanted to say was, “Do you like putting other phallic items in your mouth, as well?” but I went with the first one, easing into it slowly. I wanted to feel her out a bit more since Indian culture wasn't nearly as sexually open as America. So far, she had showed me that she could be fun. Now I wanted to know just how much fun.

“There’s something about having a load of Potassium crammed in the smallness of your mouth.”

Who was this girl? And where had she been the previous two days of my time in India? She was definitely not your stereotypical conservative Indian girl.

It took everything within me not to burst with laughter, but I knew that holding the tension would be far more effective. “Is that so?” I said. “I just so happen to be an expert when it comes to bananas.”

“Really? How so?” she said.

“There are all types of bananas. Long, short, some with great girth, and others more on the petite side. They even come in different colors depending on the part of the country you find them. I have a feeling that your favorites are the big ones. They’re by far the juiciest.” I paused a second, then added with a smirk, “I bet you don’t know where the best bananas come from.”

She was having as much fun at this as I was.

“Where’s that?” she said. This time she swayed in my direction.

“America.”

“America? No way!” she laughed.

I leapt on the opportunity she just opened.

“I don’t know what kind of bananas you’ve been putting in your mouth, but American are the best. You should try one sometime. You’ll be surprised at just how sweet they are.”

She shifted her weight and her tongue slid out of her mouth and licked her lips ever so slightly before she bit down with the tip of her teeth. With that, I knew she was turned on. And by that point, I knew she was worth seeing again.

It was time to end this flirtatious phallic conversation and return to my top priority, my students who were eager to practice.

“I have to go now but let's meet later and I’ll share everything I know about bananas. I’ll be free in a few hours, I’ll call you then.”

No matter what she said, I was ready to walk away. Yeah, she was gorgeous and a lot of fun to tease, but at the end of the day, you have to remember—one woman is just one woman. Don’t place all of your eggs in one basket too soon. In this story, she said yes and ended up giving me her number. Unfortunately it was monsoon season in India and the massive flooding prevented us from seeing each other again. Lesson learned: Don’t schedule a boot camp in India during monsoon season.

Success isn’t about whether you took her home or not. Success is knowing your worth, controlling the situation, playing with the tension and just having fun with it. Anytime you’re able to walk away from a girl that doesn’t meet your qualifications is just as much a win as making her your girlfriend. Keep your focus on the goal.

What’s Your Goal?

“What's your goal when you go on a date?” I asked to the wide-eyed students eagerly clinging to my every word. “To get laid!” exclaimed Escobar, who for the first time in his life, pulled a girl back to his hotel the previous night. You would think Cancun would be the easiest place on the planet to get laid, and in many ways it is, but Escobar was with a conservative girl who gave him several challenges to test if he was really the confident man he seemed to be.

“No,” I exclaimed. “You just met her. How do you know if you want to sleep with her? She might be a crazy stalker.” I said with a half grin.

“To qualify her!” Joe, another eager student, shouted.

“Good,” I said. Joe looked pleased with himself.

I continued, “You want to get to know her of course. What else?”

Everyone else seemed stumped, looking around at each other confused.

“To attract her?” Sam said in a shaky uncertain voice. At this point the class already knew that “trying” to attract a woman was the equivalent of shooting yourself in the foot. No woman wants a man that has to “try” to win her over. They want a man who comes across as naturally attractive.

“It's to have fun. Most guys completely forget about having fun on a date, and instead, go into interview mode. This is a doomed strategy. Just like when you go out at night to meet girls at bars and club, your mission should be, first and foremost, to have fun.”

If you catch yourself feeling anxious instead of having fun and enjoying the interaction with a beautiful woman, then I can almost guarantee that you are more emotionally invested than she is. If you are overly invested then it’s almost impossible to hide needy behavior, and it will eventually turn her off. The key, is to focus more on having a good time.

As you know, women are emotional and base most of their decisions on how they feel. Having fun and flirting, provides her with positive feelings. Positive feelings create trust and a longing to experience more positive feelings. Fun is a very powerful social lubricant that allows you to escalate the interaction further. In fact, the best time to make your move, whether it’s going for contact info, leaning in for a kiss or suggesting drinks at your place, is to do it at an emotional high point, when she’s laughing and enjoying herself.

The opposite of fun is boredom, which creates negative feelings and makes the person want to excuse themselves from the interaction. Most guys don't know how to have fun and flirt, and therefore, their dates and interactions with women are boring and lack sexual tension, which is why they rarely get a second date or a call back.

Studies show that fun and exciting situations can boost levels of hormones that are also responsible for making people experience feelings of love. Psychologist Richard Robinson claims that riding roller coasters causes the body to release a hormone that causes euphoria and that this hormone, called phenyl ethyl-amine, is released when meeting someone attractive, and is responsible for the feeling of love at first site. So, doing things that create joy and excitement can make someone feel the feelings of falling in love. So keep things exciting and interesting and bring the fun with you wherever you go, and women will flock to you.

Having fun, it turns out, is a lot more challenging for most guys than one might expect. It's easy to have fun around our friends, because we already have inside jokes and feel comfortable enough to tease each other without consequence. But what about a stranger? Particularly one that is smoking hot and wearing a minidress that would tantalize the Pope.

We’ve all heard that women love a man that can make her laugh. But how do you become funny? And what if she doesn't get your style of humor? Or, what if you can't think of a witty joke? Or, what if you are just not naturally funny?

The good news is being fun is not the same thing as being funny. If you are naturally funny and most people laugh at your jokes, that’s great. But you don't have to be funny to get the girl.

You just need to be fun. But how?

The Key To Fun

If you try too hard to make her laugh, chances are you will come off as a clown or dancing monkey. The clown is not sexy. The dancing monkey is cute, but he doesn't get the girl. Remember, you are not trying to get an applause. The key to having fun is being self-amusing instead of trying to amuse her.

That's why in school you may have seen the super-hot popular girl laughing when the class clown cracked a joke, but after class, she went home with the quarterback of the football team. She may not have laughed as much when she was around her jock boyfriend, but he made her feel safe, gave her a range of emotions and unapologetically expressed his identity.

Being self-amusing is not the same as self-deprecating. Making fun of yourself once in a while can be okay, but if you overdo it then you’ll appear to have low self-confidence. Compare self-deprecating comedians like Kevin Hart or Louis C.K. to Dane Cook or Joe Rogan. While I love all four, the former are not considered attractive by most women, while the latter are usually considered much more attractive.

Instead of making fun of yourself, chat about things that you find amusing. When you talk about a subject you love, such as your passions or life mission, your enthusiasm will intrigue the people around you. Don’t underestimate the power of emotional contagion, especially enthusiasm.

Fun Venues

Speaking of things you find amusing, whether you are on a first date or heading out to pick up girls at the bar, always pick venues that are fun for you. If you love rock music then go to concerts and rock bars to meet women. Even if the trendy top 40 dance club has more hot girls, you'll likely have better luck at the rock bar because you'll be having a better time and women will notice.

If you love art galleries and high society cocktail parties then the rock bar would be a bad choice. If rave parties, crawling with young teenie boppers, are your thing then avoid the laid-back cougar lounge. I think you get my point.

The same applies for dates, however consider the preference of your date as well. If you love rock music and she loves hip hop you may want to spend some time at both. The point is to do things that are fun. This is why dinner for a first date is typically a bad idea because it's just not really fun to eat food with someone you don't know. Plus it’s a little awkward to try and talk with food in your mouth. And usually the nicer the restaurant the stuffier the atmosphere.

Instead, I recommend either a fun local bar or a fun activity such as ice skating, bowling, roller skating, laser tag, dog walking, hiking, indoor rock climbing, etc. Of course, age and athletic ability may come into play with some of these activities, but the point is that they are fun and will create a more memorable experience than the average dinner date.

Personally, I love to take girls to bars that have video games. Going to an arcade full of youngsters may seem juvenile to some girls, but if it's a trendy bar with some old school arcade games most girls will indulge the kid in them. This makes flirting and touching much easier and takes the pressure off having to talk the entire time. If you don't have a video game bar in your city then you can find a bar that has other games like billiards, darts or foosball. You don't have to be a pool shark, but you might feel a bit embarrassed if you scratch every shot while she knocks each ball in, so a little practice doesn't hurt.

Bar Games

Just about everyone loves to play games because they are fun. But what if you are in a bar or lounge that doesn't have any games? It's simple, you can make them up on the spot or play a classic bar game. Almost anything that was fun when you were in grade school is fun in a bar setting.

For example, as you shake hands, with a girl you just met, jump right into a thumb wrestling match. Who didn’t love this as a kid? Plus, it’s a great way to flirt through touching. Give it a try next time you shake hands with a cute girl at a bar.

A fun game that I often play on dates is Two Truths and a Lie. Take turns going back and forth confessing two things from your life that are true and one that is a lie. The other person has to guess the lie. You can even make this into a drinking game. If the person is wrong about the lie then she has to take a drink. Here’s an example of something I might say if it were my turn, “I once had sex on a beach with a lot of people around. I used to have a job in finance and my boss had a crush on me. I once saw someone get shot in front of me.” Then, she would tell me which one she thinks is the lie. In this case, it’s the finance one. It’s a great game that will turn sexual fast. Plus, after each turn you can talk about “truths” and learn more about each other, thus making it a great game to get to know each other and build rapport.

Another game that I love, that also turns things slightly sexual, is called shag, marry, kill. The game is simple. Just tell the girl, “let’s play shag, marry, kill. I’m going to choose three random guys for you and you have to tell me which one you would marry, which one you would kill and which one you would shag. And you have to have a reason for each.” Adding the “why” part is what makes it fun, because she has to explain her choices.

If you want to make things really interesting, when you are picking guys for her also pick yourself to see what she says. If she says, “shag,” then, well, what the heck are you still doing in the bar? If she says “marry,” then go into a marriage role-play. If she says “kill,” then run like hell! But seriously, that could disqualify her because you want to find someone who is flirting back with you, not who wants to kill you.

More word for word games can be found at the end of the book.

Role-Playing

Role-playing can also be really fun because it allows you and her to step into a fantasy world, where you can do or be anything you want. Pick fun scenarios and then try to make them as outlandish as possible. Role-plays can often turn into an inside joke that the two of you reference throughout the night, thus deepening the rapport.

Here are some fun role-plays you can do:

1. Getting married

1. Over-the-top romance

1. Breaking up or getting a divorce

1. Pimp and ho

1. Making her your body guard for the night that has to protect you from all the sex-crazed girls in the club.

Not only is it fun and flirty, role-playing provides context to take the interaction to a sexual level very quickly without risk of her getting offended, since it’s in the context of a fantasy. After all, it’s just harmless make-believe fun. For example, in a marriage role-play, I like to say, “I’ll be the trophy husband, but we can only have sex eight times a day, no more than that!” And she will usually play along saying, “Aww really? Only eight times? I need more than that!”

More word for word role-plays can be found at the end of the book.

The Art Of Flirting

Fun is all about feeling great about yourself, having a positive outlook, not taking things too seriously and enjoying the present moment. Just like every quality or attribute that women find attractive, being grounded and present is the foundation.

Flirting is what makes a girl feel like the interaction is more than just friends. Flirting is simply showing your interest in a fun way. The Webster definition of flirting is: behaving as though you are attracted to or trying to attract someone, but for amusement rather than with serious intentions. That’s exactly what you want to do. But how?

It is very difficult, maybe even impossible, to have fun and flirt if you are not fully present in the moment. If your mind is in the past pondering the last bad date you had, those negative feelings will spread to her fast. Or if your mind is in the future, contemplating the worst-case scenario of what might happen if you go approach that hottie across the street, do you think you will be in a fun flirty mood?

Just imagine you are on a first date with a girl. Everything is going great, but then you accidentally knock your drink off the table and it crashes on the floor. Pieces of glass go flying and you splatter booze all over her favorite high heels. If you weren't grounded, you might reply in panic and embarrassment. Shouting, “Oh my God! Fuck, I'm so sorry. I'm such an idiot!” Well, what’s done is done. You can’t change it, but you can stop making things worse and even salvage the situation by putting your relaxed confidence to work.

A grounded reaction would take advantage of the situation. Try, “Crap, are you okay?” while you hand her a napkin. Then laugh and lean in. “Okay, good. I guess it's a sign that we should break up right now.” Said with a cheeky grin. This calm yet fun reply shows her that you are okay with things not going perfect. That you can handle the situation and make light of an embarrassing incident, turning it into something flirty, such as a breakup role play.

So let’s explore the art of flirting and how to keep things fun for both of you.

What is Flirting, Really?

Flirting isn’t a defined step in the romance sequence, but rather an ongoing process in the game of seduction. Flirting is what makes a girl see you as a romantic or sexual option instead of just a friend. It’s showing your romantic interest in a fun, teasing way.

Flirting, however, is not the same as blatantly showing interest. Subtlety is the key. Flirting is not blunt, it’s implied communication. Remember, women speak covertly, not overtly. The best seducers in the world have mastered communicating covertly with women.

Saying, “Let’s go home and have sex,” is not flirting, because it’s too overt and she knows exactly what you want. Even if she was down with the idea, she would likely change her mind because you took away all the mystery, anticipation and suspense. All powerful emotions that women crave.

If you said, “Let’s go back to my place, but we have to try and behave,” with a suggestive smirk, it would be much more flirty. Even though she probably has an idea that sex is on the table, there is no guarantee that it will happen. It’s implied, rather than explicitly stated.

Let’s take the example, “I bet you look hot in lingerie,” or “I would love to see you in lingerie,” verses “I don’t want to see you in lingerie because I probably wouldn’t be able to control myself” or “stop trying to make me picture you in lingerie?” Can you tell the difference?

The first two examples show direct interest with no uncertainty or ambiguity. I’m not suggesting these are bad horrible lines, but they lack the flirty element, while the latter two examples are more playful, add restrictions and place the blame on her, making them a lot more flirty, and will likely get the woman more excited.

Context Frame

Flirting is all about creating the right contextual “frame.” A frame is just the context of the interaction at any moment. Remember, women care more about the context, than the content. The frame of, “Let’s ask each other boring questions,” isn’t as powerful or effective as the frame, “Let’s see what kind of trouble we can get into,” or “Let’s flirt and have some fun.”

One of my favorite frames is that she’s trying to get into your pants, because the context of her trying to pick you up is much better than the frame of you trying to pick her up, which is what most guys do.

If she does something nice or gives you a compliment, you can instantly create this flirty context with a quick, “you just want me for my body” or “you’re just trying to get into my pants.”

You can also misinterpret things she says to mean that she’s hitting on you. For example, if she says, “it’s time for bed” you could say, “I’m flattered, but I’m not ready to go to bed with you yet.”

Even if she just says something routine, like mentioning she’s a nurse, you could ask, “Are you trying to impress me? You’re falling for me already, aren’t you?”

If you can only remember one thing when it comes to flirting it’s this: flip the context to turn whatever she says into her trying to pick you up. In fact, as an exercise, go out one night with the intention of turning anything and everything a girl says into her trying to get into your pants. Yeah, you will probably overdue it, but that’s okay. You’re amusing yourself and I want you to see just how far you can take it.

Teasing

One of the best ways to flirt is by teasing her, which is when you poke fun at her in a playful way. Teasing separates you from all the pathetic “nice guys” that constantly kiss her ass and try to please her.

When you tease a girl it shows that you must have women in your life because you aren’t afraid to offend them. A man with zero dating options wouldn’t dare to tease a woman, because he’s too desperate and too afraid he might say the wrong thing and lose her.

That being said, teasing should never be mean spirited or make her feel bad in any way. It should always be done with positive intentions and make her laugh. Never tease a woman about lack of intelligence or her weight. One time I teased a really thin girl about being too fat and my friend totally called me out on it. I thought I was being playful, but he warned me that even a thin girl could become self-conscious.

Also, be careful teasing her about her family, close friends, passions, ambitions or anything she’s talking about with a high level of enthusiasm. These things are important to her and shouldn’t be made fun of, unless of course, you set the right context and she clearly knows it’s a joke.

I have a short middle eastern friend who is 5’2,” completely bald and has a face for radio, but he’s confident as hell and dates a lot of attractive tall women. In fact, I’ve never seen him date a girl under 5’9.” I love watching him approach the hottest girl in the bar by teasing them. He’ll walk right up to the tallest girl in the bar wearing high-heels and tap her heel with his foot. She’ll will look down like, “what the hell?” and see this short bald guy smiling up at her. “Without those heels, I bet you are only 5 feet tall.” This always gets a laugh. Then she usually grows intrigued, wondering why a short guy like him has so much confidence to approach a beautiful tall girl like her. I’ve seen this approach work many times because it’s fun and she doesn’t expect a guy like that to tease her.

Here are some of my favorite examples of teasing in fun way:

Call Her Names:

“You’re such a little brat!”

“Oh man you are such a dork.”

“Hey princess cupcake.”

Point out something embarrassing or cute about her:

“Your dimples are so adorable.”

“Your nose twitches when you sneeze, it’s so cute.”

If she does something clumsy say, “This is why we can’t have nice things” or “I can’t take you anywhere”

Mock her:

Playfully exaggerating her accent.

Repeat what she said in a childish voice.

If she says she’s from a boring town or somewhere you’re not fond of, you could say, “Oh well, nobody's perfect,” or “Wow I didn’t know people actually lived there.”

Playfully treat her lower status than you:

“That’s it, you’re fired.”

“Bad girl, go to my room”

“Don’t make me have to spank you.”

Roleplay:

“You like football? We’re officially best friends now.”

“That’s awesome. Okay we are getting married now.”

“That’s it, we’re breaking up, and I’m fighting for full custody”

Stereotype her:

“Alabama? So, what do you do when you’re not dosey-doe at the local hee haw or cow-tipping?”

“You’re from Inglewood? Do you have a gun in that purse?”

“If you’re an accountant then where’s your pocket protector and scientific calculator?”

Accuse her of trying to get into your pants:

“Are you hitting on me?”

“Did you just look down at my package? Oh my God eyes up here young lady!”

“Stop trying to seduce me, I’m not that easy.”

Push-Pull

One of my mentors once told me, a woman shouldn’t be 100% sure that you want her until you’re inside her. I think that is a little crude, but the point is that it’s those ups and downs on the emotional rollercoaster that keep the interaction interesting and makes her want to see what will happen. Push-pull helps you do that by showing interest and then playfully taking it away. Essentially, a push-pull is a compliment and a tease at the same time.

The reason it works so well is because if you show too much interest (pull, pull, pull) she’ll lose interest because you are too easy and not a challenge. Too much interest too soon can feel insincere and even really creepy.

On the flip side, showing too much disinterest, overly teasing, or qualifying her too often (push, push, push) will eventually push her away and she’ll think you’re a jerk. The balance of push-pull helps keep that fine dynamic between you showing interest and her having to work for your attention.

For example, for a tall girl you could say, “I’m starting to like you, but too bad you’re too short for me.” The first part, “I’m starting to like you,” is a compliment. This is “pulling” her towards you. “But too bad you’re too short for me,” is a playful tease that “pushes” her away.

Disqualifying

This one might seem out of left field, but it’s just another example of being grounded. Just abut every guy in the bar is trying to prove himself and win over the attractive girls. He’ll qualify himself to her by trying to impress her. Usually going on and on how he owns a business or is a lawyer, or a doctor and keeps talking about himself out-of-context, bragging about how cool he is every time she stops talking.

But have you ever met a truly high-status man? Someone who is secure in his accomplishments and secure in who he is? That type of guy does not try to impress people. He doesn’t bother one-upping anyone else’s stories. In fact he ‘ll usually downplay his most impressive qualities.

He might be a multi-millionaire, but when she asks about his job he says he works as a janitor at an adult movie theater or operates the slushy machine at 7-11. She’ll know it’s a joke, especially if he is dressed well, and she’ll wonder why he didn’t try to impress her, like every other guy on the planet.

When you disqualify yourself, it shows that you are so confident in yourself that you don’t need to impress her. You might want her, but you don’t need her. It shows that you’ll be fine if she’s not interested in you, which presupposes, in her mind, that you must have a lot of other dating options.

I love to use disqualification to also turn things sexual by saying things like, “We can’t have sex because I’m bad in bed and my penis is only 3 inches long, like a baby carrot. And that’s after the pens enlargement surgery.” In a flirty sarcastic tone, she knows that I’m just messing with her, which is way more effective than saying, “I’m so good in bed and I have a huge dick.”

When you disqualify yourself as a potential lover you are tapping into a powerful psychological technique. Remember, man or woman, it is human nature to want what you can’t have. Plus, by taking sex off the table, it plants the idea in her mind. Something we’ll talk more about in the next chapter.

If you think you’ve been showing too much interest and “pulling” her in too much, a great way to add more “push” is to disqualify yourself as a potential lover. This might include self-deprecating humor, but it should always be done in a playful tone, so she knows you aren’t serious.

Some of my favorite disqualifies:

“You’re nothing but trouble, I need a good girl in my life.”

“You’re too much of a good girl, I would just corrupt you.”

“I can’t believe you like Harry Potter, we can’t be friends anymore.”

Try interjecting a disqualifying statement, like one of the above, the next time are flirting with a beautiful woman.

Ridiculous Responses to Common Questions

Mundane questions like “What do you do?” and “Where are you from?” can turn the conversation boring fast. Especially in an energetic environment, like a bar or club, where fun trumps all. Keep things exciting and fresh by skipping all the “average” conversation and catch her off guard. Answering common questions with silly, unsuspecting answers is an easy way to inject a more playful vibe. Next time she asks you your name, you can say, “Joe, but my stage name is Hercules. I’m a stripper at the Peppermint Hippo down the street. I think I’ve seen you there.”

If she asks, “What do you do?” say, “I’m an ass model. But no touching!”

“Where are you from?” can turn into a Terminator role play: “I'm from the future where a horrible robo-apocalypse wiped out most of mankind and I came here because our unborn son is the only hope for humanity. Let's go!”

I have a friend who turns this game into an artform. Whenever he goes out he’ll have a different fake job that is both silly and sexual. One night he’ll be a porn star stunt double, another night he’s a customer service manager at a swinger’s club, next an astronaut that’s been grounded for using the Hubble telescope to send dick pics to Venus… each more outlandish than the last. As long as you’re having fun with the answers, she will too.

After you give your ridiculous response, if she asks the question again, then give the real answer to her question. You don’t want to overdue this technique or it can seem like you have something to hide. Just like any technique in this book, the effectiveness wears off faster the more you use them in the same conversation.

When girls ask me what I do for a living I often say, “I travel the world seducing beautiful women to give them the most intense pleasure they’ve ever experienced…but, unfortunately for you, it’s my night off.” The best part about it is, it’s basically true. And did you notice my use of push-pull, showing sexual interest and then taking it away?

You can find more examples of ridiculous responses to common questions at the end of the book, but I challenge you to come up with a few of your own for, “what is your name?”, “where are you from?” and “what do you do?”

No Filter, No Problem

One reason girls go for bad boys is because they have no filter. They don’t sensor themselves because they don’t care if the girl likes what they say or not. Women often find their “take it or leave it” attitude, the opposite of the needy nice guy’s “pretty-please like me” attitude, irresistible because they are unapologetic about who they are. These guys convey to the world that this is who I am and I don’t care if you like me or not.

Think about it; do you ever worry about what to say around your buddies? No, because you don’t censor yourself, you have more fun and so do they. I want you to do the same when you meet women. The next time you go out to a bar just say whatever you want, whatever is on your mind, with no filter. Yeah, you might say some dumb shit at first and you might even offend someone, but you can’t make an omelet until your cows come home. Don't agree? Not my problem!

Seriously though, you aren’t going to ruin someone’s night by teasing them too much. Absolutely worst-case scenario, they’ll just think you had too much to drink. Odds are you’ll never see any of them again, so what does it matter? Learn the lesson, tone it down, and move on the next interaction.

Keep doing this and you’ll cultivate the mindset that you can say anything you want and women will find it interesting. Permitting yourself to have this level of social freedom allows you to express your true self without holding back. Something that, once perfected, will be incredibly attractive.

Self-censorship, no matter how well-intentioned, has the opposite effect. It comes off as needy behavior, where you’re seeking acceptance of others rather than living life on your own terms.

In the same vein, constantly talking about things that don’t interest you or trying to cling to whatever topic she shows interest in is quite needy. You should both be equal conversational partners, bouncing back and forth between your favorite themes.

The other most common form of censorship is never correcting her. Oh, sure, let it go if she’s doing something that’s a minor pet peeve of yours, but if you disagree with an opinion she has, don’t be afraid to tell her. A little tension and conflict can often add flare and make things interesting, because it adds to the emotional rollercoaster of the interaction. Obviously too much arguing or disagreeing with her core beliefs will likely have the opposite effect, but if you two are so far apart on such beliefs, it’s good to know early before you invest too much time and energy.

The Magic Ingredient

The only way any of these fun examples, flirty techniques, or anything else you've learned so far will work is to be random. The key is to mix it up. Don't keep doing the same thing over and over again, even if it's working, because it will get worn out and overused. Even if she seems to love playing games, don't play game after game. Spice things up and keep her guessing by trying out different things.

Do you want her to say at the end of the night that she had a “nice” time and wants to see you again, or that she had “real fun” and can’t wait for more… playtime. So play a game, then share a story, after that ask a deep question, then play another game, then do a fun role play, then ask a qualifying question, then move to another venue, etc. That's just an example, but you get the idea.

There is no linear process here. There is no A, then B, then C when it comes to dates and meeting women at bars and clubs, because these are often long interactions that involve too many variables.

If you meet a girl for two or three minutes, such as in a daytime scenario, then yes, there is a beginning, middle and ending and that can be somewhat methodical. We’ll go over the exact blueprint for those interactions soon. But for longer interactions it's going to take practice to hone your skill and perfect the art of banter. You'll have to learn how to feel out the situation and use your best judgement.

If the group looks fun and full of energy, then start with a fun opener. Then go into a game or role play. If the girls are lower energy, then start with something more chill like, “Hi, I'm Matt. I don't think we've met yet,” then ask a normal question like, “Where are you from?” but give a ridiculous reply to whatever they say. “Texas? Oh no! I dated a girl from Texas once; it’s safer to ride a wild bull!”

These are just examples. The point is that every situation is different and you need to match her energy and go from there. Try and test different things to see what works and what doesn't work.

Change it up and be random. Sometimes you are deep and other times you are playful. Sometimes you are a challenge and sometimes you are showing interest. Sometimes you are flirting and sometimes you just leave the interaction. This will keep her on her toes, make the interaction more fun and interesting, keep the emotions flowing and make you the multidimensional man that women love.

Remember, you are the selector, which means you should always have a selector mindset. That means that everything you do, even being playful and flirting with her, is screening to see if she is your type of girl or not. One time I told a girl, “Let's play a game,” and she responded with, “No, I don't like games.” Even though she was super hot, that was a deal breaker and I ended the interaction. I don't waste my time with boring girls that don't like to have fun. I want you to have the same attitude.

CHapter Recap

1. If you’re not having fun and being grounded in the moment, then nothing you say is going to sound flirty. But if you’re having a good time and being self-amusing then you can turn almost anything into flirtatious banter.

1. Flirting and having fun is crucial for making sure you are not overly invested in the interaction. If you are stressed out and not having fun then your interaction will end badly because you are too invested and will appear needy.

1. Being fun and flirty is also the best way to turn the conversation more romantic and intimate. If you keep things safe and platonic, instead of playful and risqué, you are at high risk of her not seeing you as a viable romantic option, and can even lead to those the dreaded words, “Let’s just be friends.”

1. Don’t stress too much about specific flirting techniques. Instead keep things random and spontaneous.

Exercises

1. The next time you go to a bar, club or lounge I want you to make a goal to play a “bar game” with a girl. After you open you can say, “Are you fun?” or “Do you like games?” and then suggest a game like Shag, Marry, Kill or Thumb Wrestling. Try this on your next date as well.

1. Go out one night with the goal of turning three things a girl says into a reason she likes you or is trying to pick you up. If she says, “My name is Marry,” you could say, “Oh no I had a stalker named Mary. I bet you are going to stalk me. You kind of have a stalker vibe, but in a good way.” If she says she’s there with friends you could say, “Okay good so I don’t have to worry about you trying to seduce me too much.” It doesn’t even have to make sense. Just do that three times in each interaction.

1. Go out one night with the intention of getting rejected three times. That’s right, I want you to try to get rejected. It doesn’t count as a rejection if you walk away. She has to walk away from you. To do this, have no filter and say whatever you want, without being mean or offensive.

CHAPTER 9:
Turning The Conversation Intimate

“Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place.”

- Billy Crystal

Valentine's Day in Las Vegas seemed like a prime spot to meet single girls seeking some male attention. With luck in our favor, my wingman Blake and I cruised down the 91 towards Sin City shouting, “Vegas, baby, Vegas!”

After checking into our hotel at 11pm, we hit the ground running. With no luck at the obnoxiously loud club, we decided to try the hotel casino. I spotted a group of four cute girls clustered around one well-dressed guy at a table. I decided to be bold and direct, but focused on the man. “All of you girls are so cute, I have to hand it to you, man. You are a pimp.”

I have to admit, even my groundedness was tested as he took my offered hand and massaged the inside of my palm. He poured on the charm and introduced himself while the girls giggled.

“He's gay!” one of the girls snorted.

“All the more impressive.” I changed tack fast and introduced myself with a joke. “My name is Matt, but my stripper name is Hercules.” A great line for Vegas.

After some banter and a few more laughs, I thought it was time for a change of scenery. The gay friend offered me a seat right next to him, but I knew the longer we stayed in the same spot that I approached them, the longer I remained the “new guy” in the group. So I suggested we grab drinks at the bar. They eagerly complied.

As we hurried to the bar, I focused my attention on my favorite girl in the group, Silvia. She had tattoos, drank Jack Daniels and smoked cigarettes, all good signs that she’d be fun and up for a spontaneous adventure. On top of that, she was giving all the obvious signs of interest: laughing at my jokes, prolonged eye contact, and touching more than normal.

I qualified her with, “Tell me something wild you've done in the last month.” She began telling me about how she went skinny dipping in Lake Mead just two weeks prior with some people she hardly knew. Another good sign.

After a round of drinks at the bar, I managed to slide her a bit away from the group for some more intimate conversation. “Let's play a game. I'm going to ask you five questions. All you have to do is get all of them wrong and I’ll buy you any drink you’d like. But answer just one correctly, and you buy the next round.”

“Okay, go ahead.” She arched her back and perked up at this twist to the flirting game.

“All right, so the first question is, what's your name?”

“Eva Longoria,” she said with a laugh.

“Okay, very good. Hmm, let’s see, what city are we in?”

“Melbourne, of course.” I could see the confusion in her eyes as she tried to figure where I was going with this, but she seemed to enjoy the mystery.

“You’re good. Okay, what's the name of this Casino?”

“Uhm, Blueberry Casino!”

“Haha, clever. Ok, wait, how many questions was that?” I made an elaborate show of frowning and scratching my head.

“Ha, nice try! Umm ten!” She clapped her hands and winked, thinking she had out-witted me.

“Aww damn! You got me!” I threw up my hands. “You are good. Have you played this game before?”

“Of course not. I’m surprised though. I figured you had some trick up your sleeve.” She winked again while waving over the bartender.

“Ha! That was the fifth question. And you got it right. So you lose!” I chuckled and patted her knee while she furrowed her brow and looked off into space. “I’ll take Tequila.”

After a second she shook her head. “You sneaky son of a…! Okay, that was a good one. I guess I owe you a drink.”

While she ordered the shots, I slid closer and hummed. “Have you ever done a body shot? Now that’s a fun game.”

“Yeah? How does it work?” She clucked her tongue. “Hope there’s no tricks.”

“Nothing to it.” I kept my eyes locked on her while taking the lime from her hand and sliding it between her soft lips.

“You put the salt on your neck and the lime in your mouth.” The salt wasn't sticking to her neck, so I took the liberty to add some saliva with my tongue to solve the problem. She didn't seem to mind my tongue stroking her neck, so I took the shot, licked her neck again, this time longer, and grabbed the lime with my teeth. The lime fell and we began making out.

She was an amazing kisser and her hands slid across my thighs as carefree as her tongue darted around. It sure seemed like everything was lining up, so I got a little sloppy and simply blurted out that we should take this upstairs to my room. Suddenly there was a big gap of air between us and her hands were up on the bar.

“Now, now, I'm not that kind of girl. Just got a little tipsy.” She straightened her hair and glanced over at her friends at the far end of the bar, where my wingman was doing his best to distract. I realized my mistake fast. You see, most girls won’t comply to such an overt suggestion, even if they want to. I needed to be more covert in my requests instead of putting sex right there on the table.

You see, women have the same sex drive as men, but they’ve been conditioned from birth by a perverse “slut shaming” culture to not show it. No matter how eager she is to jump in the sack, part of her may worry about judgement from her friends, from you, and even from herself.

But this is only a speed bump for a grounded man. I recovered my cool fast and laughed. “I just felt bad that you were spending money on me when I’ve got an unopened bottle of Tequila Gold upstairs.”

She rolled her eyes and snorted, her defenses up… but she didn’t move to rejoin her friends. She was giving me a second chance.

“I understand you. Maybe better than you think. And I can tell you have a bit of a naughty, free spirited side.”

“Maybe.” Her body was loosening up again and she uncrossed her arms.

“I think every girl has a naughty side. In fact, I think women are much more naughty than men.”

“Hmm, I don't know about that…”

I tapped my finger on the bar. “It's not only true, but I can prove it.”

I knew I was far from any typical closing routine, but I was having fun. Besides, proving to her that women are designed to be highly sensual would give her permission to act out her naughty desires. I decided to prove it with a little help from science.

“Think about it,” I continued. “A woman has a part of her body that is only designed for pleasure. It serves no other purpose but pure, female sexual satisfaction. Men, on the other hand, use our fun tool for other purposes.”

She nodded and narrowed her eyes, some of my energy rubbing off on her. “Plus women can have ten or more orgasms in one night, while a guy can only have three or four.”

This statement had the added bonus of presupposing that I can give a girl ten orgasms and that I tend to have three or four. I never said that, but it's assumed.

“And a girl can have four different types of orgasms,” I continued, “while a man can only have one.” Truthfully, a guy can have two, so I'm told, but talking about inserting a finger into a man's anus to stimulate his prostate was not where I wanted to take this conversation.

“Wait, four?!” I wondered if she knew she was licking her lips. “What are they?”

“I'll show you. Right now.” I paused as long as I could bare to gauge her reaction and amplify the sexual tension. Her wide eyes twinkled with intrigue.

“Let me see your hand.” I shaped her hand into a circle and began demonstrating the four locations of a female orgasm on her “hand vagina.” Showing her how much I knew about female orgasms, while demoing on her hand, was doing the trick. I could see the arousal in her eyes and feel the heat radiating from her palm.

At this point, I had proven that it's okay for her to be naughty, since women are just as, if not more, naughty than men, while simultaneously illustrating that I knew a lot about a woman’s body. But would she be afraid that I would judge her? Of course I wouldn’t, but I wanted her to know that. Again, directly stating, “Let’s go have sex, I won’t judge you I promise,” is not the way to go about it. So instead I went with a more covert approach.

“So that proves that women are definitely more naughty than men. And I think it's a shame that our society judges liberated women who freely express their sexuality. It’s a sick double standard, since a man can have sex with lots of women and it's totally cool. But if a woman sleeps with a lot of men she's looked down upon and judged. It's not fair. I think it should be equal. I prefer women that are confident in their sexuality and don't hinder themselves because of society or what others think.”

“Oh my God, you are so right. I'm so sick of judgement. It’s not fair.” Silvia sighed and bobbed her head.

Her anti-slut defenses were down and I knew that if we were intimate it would be a mutually gratifying experience with no regrets.

It was time to make my move. But there was still another problem; her friends were there and would likely be protective, concerned and judgmental if she ran off with a total stranger. But that was my job to fix.

“Let's take another shot,” I declared. She obliged. “But not here, I have some better drinks in my room.” This time the same indirect proposition landed.

“Sounds like fun, but I can't leave my friends.”

I knew she was going to say that.

“Of course. So just tell your friends that you have to go to the bathroom, while I make a phone call and we'll meet by the elevator over there. We'll only be gone a few minutes; your friends won't even notice.” To infuse an element of danger and excitement I added, “It will be our little secret.” I knew she'd go for it.

And off to the elevator we went.

Sex Isn’t A Prize, It’s A Mutual Reward

Too many guys think sex is some prize they have to win and they feel “lucky” when they get it. However, women are sensual creatures that crave and desire sex just as much as we do. You must have this mindset and believe it to be true. Sex is not something you take or get from a woman. Sex should always be seen as a mutually gratifying experience for both of you, or else neither of you will enjoy intimacy to its full potential.

It may seem like men want sex more than women, but that's partly because us men are more upfront and direct in our communication. Men are also quicker to have sex because we aren't worried about our safety.

The majority of women feel that same biological urge just as hard as men do, but it’s a dangerous world out there. Imagine if the roles were reversed. Say you were surrounded by attractive but physically stronger women asking you out all the time. Any one of them could be a nutjob in disguise, so how do you sort out the pyschos from the good ones?

For a woman, feeling rapport, trust and safety with a man before letting him into her life is more than romance; it’s a deeply ingrained survival instinct.

A woman’s need to feel safe extends beyond just knowing you’re not a violent man. She needs to feel comfortable that you won't judge her afterwards, because if you look down on her, then she’s afraid you won't protect her. This should go without saying, but a grounded man has no archaic sexual notions like “slut shaming.” He respects a woman’s sexual liberation and adventurousness, the same as he would in another man.

Just as important, she also needs to trust that you won't brag and tell everyone about your “conquest” to anyone because that could ruin her reputation. The animal brain equates being outcast by the group as potential death, because in ancient times we needed the safety of the group to ensure our chance of survival.

So, how can you make her feel safe and secure when it comes to having sex with you? Remember the power of emotional contagion? The single most important thing you can do to make a woman open up to you sexually is to be confident and comfortable expressing your own sexuality.

Sexual Confidence

Sometimes women will actually bring up sexual topics to test a guy’s sexual comfort level and sexual confidence. I’m not talking about your sexual experience or the size of your member, but rather confidence in your sexuality and ability to show her a judgment-free good time.

I had a client, Amir, tell me that he was on a third date with a woman when she said something shocking. While driving to the sushi restaurant, his date leaned over to him and whispered, “You know, I love giving blow jobs.” Amir hadn't even kissed her yet, so this shook him up a bit. He was definitely ungrounded.

Amir also had the limiting beliefs that women were not sexual, that they didn’t enjoy sex and that they disliked talking about it. Since what she said put him so far out of his comfort zone, Amir thought the best thing to do was immediately change the topic, “Oh, uh, okay haha. Well anyways, this restaurant serves really good sushi.”

She was testing his sexual comfort and he failed. Needless to say, there was no sex that night and she never returned his calls.

Maybe next time he'll learn his lesson and say, “Really? What's your technique?” or “I don't believe you. Prove it!” Even if it turns out she was just bluffing, she’ll respect your confidence… and next time she won’t be teasing.

The point is, you have to be comfortable with your own sexuality and be comfortable with the notion that it's normal, and natural for a woman to enjoy sex. Women love TV shows like “Sex and the City.” The number one selling book category is romantic novels, also known as “chick porn,” because they are filled with explicit sexual and sensual imagery.

Not only do they enjoy doing the act, but most women love talking about sex, at least with someone they’re comfortable with. The emotional connection from sharing such intimate desires turns her on just as much as the “dirty” details get your motor running. So you must be comfortable discussing it as well. When the two of you are chatting about intimate topics, not only will she view you as sexually confident, but since she's looking at you while sex is the topic, the thought of having sex with you gets subtly suggested to her subconscious. Simply planting the seed of intimacy into her mind, is a major step to escalate the interaction to the bedroom.

Planting the seed

If she’s telling you how excited she is to visit her grandmother’s house next weekend to celebrate her 93rd birthday, it might not be the best time to blurt out, “So what's the craziest place you've ever had sex?”

On the other hand, if she’s talking about a “crazy” thing that happened last week, then it’s a good time to try, “Speaking of crazy…” Context is always the key.

If the right context doesn’t present itself, you can still indirectly talk about someone else's experience to set the tone. For example, if she says she wants to go to Italy you could mention, “My friend, Stacy, went to Rome and met this charming Italian guy in a café. She had sex with him within an hour of meeting. It was the first time she ever did something like that. Crazy, huh? I guess there's something about Italian men (self-point) that sweeps women off their feet. Good thing I'm part Italian.” This is just an example, so come up with your own naughty story.

You could also reference a popular movie, TV show, book, podcast, etc. A question like, “Did you read, ‘Fifty Shades of Grey?’ What was your favorite part?” could easily veer into a conversation about bondage, dominance and rough sex. The options are endless to steer the conversation towards even the most niche kink without scaring her off.

Sexy Games and Role Plays

Games and role plays can also become sexual fast because they put a fun flirty context around the conversation. At a bar, I love to start an interaction off with an “innocent” game of Shag, Marry, Kill and see how far I can take it. Something like:

“Let's play a game, Shag, Marry, Kill. I'm going to pick three people in the bar and one of them you have to shag, one you have to marry and one you have to kill.”

We'll play the game, as she tells me who she'd do what to and why. Then it's her turn to pick people for me to shag, marry and kill. This is where I'll try to make things really sexual. Before she picks the third person, I'll say, “Let's make things interesting. How about you pick yourself?” Most women will agree because they’re curious about what I’m fantasying over.

I'll first “kill” one of the other two candidates, because you should never “kill” the girl you are interested in. I’m not that much of a challenge. Then, I'll get really close and look deep in her eyes and murmur, “Hmm… are you any good in bed?” This creates a lot of sexual tension right off the bat, but in a way that’s unlikely to upset her because it's in context of the game.

Regardless of her answer, I'll continue to make strong eye contact, amplifying the sexual tension even more. With a slow, deep tone I'll say, “Okay, well I would definitely shag the hell out of...” pausing 3 to 5 seconds for dramatic effect, “HER!” pointing to the other girl. She will laugh, releasing the tension.

This is great because it leads right into a marriage role play: “Then I guess we are getting married. Don’t worry, wifey. We’ll still have lots of sex. But no more than eight times a day. I’m not a piece of meat, okay?” as I give her a big hug. You can keep making it fun by describing how you will fly to Las Vegas and get married by the fattest Elvis impersonator you can find. Or you can go into deeper rapport by having her describe her perfect honeymoon. I prefer to tell her my friend is an ordained minister and have him do a half-assed wedding ceremony, instructing me to kiss my bride. And boom, we are already making out.

The Questions Game

Another great game that can turn things sexual is the Questions Game. This works great for a date because it's fun, you get to know each other, and it can escalate to sexual questions and conversations.

Tell her there are three rules: Rule number one is that the questions have to be unique, no repeat questions.

Rule number two is that the questions have to be interesting, like relationship questions, digging up dirt, secrets, sexual questions, etc. No boring questions like, “How old are you?” or “What is your favorite color.”

And rule number three is that she has to go first. This is to see where her mind is at when she asks the question.

If she starts off with a sexual question, then you already know she has sex on her mind. If she doesn't ask something sexual, then start with normal getting to know each other type questions like, “Where's your favorite place to travel,” “What's the craziest thing you've ever done?” or “If you could be anything in the world with no chance of failure, what would you be?”

Then, before things get too platonic, transition to relationship questions like, “What are you looking for in a man? What's the craziest first date you've had?” Or even “Are you a good kisser?” which can lead into a kiss by saying, “Let's find out.”

Then after asking and answering relationship questions for a while, slowly start transitioning into intimate questions, such as, “What's your favorite position? What’s the craziest place you’ve ever had sex?” or “What's your biggest turn on?”

The answers to these types of question can actually give you some great insight as to what she likes in bed and how she prefers to receive pleasure, so make sure to remember her answers for later.

The beauty is that she is unlikely to object to these sexual questions because, after all, it's still in the context of a game.

The Body Test

One time I was sitting with a hot girl in a trendy bar in downtown Los Angeles, when I had an idea. We were sitting on a couch away from the dance floor and I couldn't take my eyes off her tan sexy legs, in her short dress.

“I want to see how well you know your body,” I said. She looked intrigued.

“Hold out your arm,” I commanded. “I'm going to pick a spot on your arm right here,” touching her bicep. “Now close your eyes and when I get to that spot, tell me.” I started at her wrist and slowly stroked her arm with my finger, inching closer to the spot on her bicep.

“There,” she said, opening her eyes. “Not bad, but you were a little off. Let's try again.”

“This time, I'm going to pick a spot on your legs. And you have to close your eyes and when I touch that spot again, you have to tell me.” She agreed.

I picked a spot on her thigh where her panties would have been, if she would have been wearing any, where her thigh met her hip.

She closed her eyes as I started at her knee, gently tracing my fingers closer to her inner thigh. My finger reached her skirt and I noticed a pleasant look on her face. She was enjoying every moment of it.

I inched my way up her skirt. She didn't flinch.

As my hand moved under her skirt, I could feel the warmth of her vagina on my hand. Up until this point, I was unsure how far I could take things. Now I knew. My next move was clear. “Let's get out of here.”

Strawberry Fields

Another test you can try, is the psychological Strawberry Fields “test” to gauge her level of sexual openness. Just like the last example, it’s not something you would do right away, rather something to use later in the interaction after a significant level of rapport has been established.

You can set up the test by saying, “I heard about a psychological test that will tell you things you may not have known about yourself. It’s kind of like those tests in Cosmo. Want to try it?”

Then you’ll ask three questions. Each of which will provide insight into her sexuality. But it’s usually best not to tell her that until the end. The questions go like this:

“Imagine that you are standing at the gates of a strawberry field. You are alone. There are tasty, ripe strawberries in the field. How high is the gate surrounding the field?” Let her answer.

“Now, imagine you’re inside the strawberry field. How many strawberries do you pick and eat?” Let her answer.

“After you finish eating the strawberries, you realize that there is a farmer looking at you. This is his field and you’ve eaten his strawberries. How do you feel about the farmer?” Let her answer.

Now it’s time to reveal the meaning for each of her answers.

The first question, about how high the fence is, indicates her barrier to having sex. If the fence is high, it means she doesn’t have sex quickly. You could tell her, “That means you don’t just sleep with everyone you like. It takes you some time to feel comfortable and safe with someone before you sleep with him.” If the fence is low, or she said there is no fence, then she has a low barrier to having sex with a new partner. You could tell her, “That means you are very open minded about sex and you don’t view it as a big deal. You’re more of the fun type who lives in the moment and does what she wants.” This is also a good cold read.

How many strawberries she ate indicates her sexual appetite. The more strawberries she devoured, the more she loves sex. If she only said one or two strawberries, you could say, “You don’t have a lot of sexual partners but the ones you do have you cherish deeply.” If she ate a lot of strawberries, don’t just tell her she loves sex or has had a lot of partners. Instead say, “The number of strawberries indicates your sexual appetite. So you really enjoy sex and when you are with someone you want to enjoy him as much as possible. And I bet it takes a man with a lot of skills to satisfy you.” Since this is a cold read, even if she disagrees and corrects you, that’s totally fine.

And finally, how she feels about the farmer suggests how she feels after she has sex. If she says she feels bad, then maybe sometimes she regrets it. If she says she didn’t even see the farmer or doesn’t care about the farmer, then it means she doesn’t feel bad after she has sex.

Do you see how this little test can quickly turn the conversation sexual in a fun and interesting way? The cool thing is, this simple test is usually very accurate. So if you want to know how sexual she is, try it on your next date.

Playful Restrictions

You can also be direct with your sexual escalation, which is best saved for later in the interaction after you've kissed her. But don't overdo your interest or she might feel like you only want her for your own gratification. Remember, you are a high status man who has options. You are not desperate for sex with her.

So you don’t come on too strong, use a push-pull statement that shows interest, while simultaneously taking it away with a restriction. This helps convey your interest, so you aren’t pulling a sexual move completely out of the blue.

Examples of using restrictions:

“I shouldn't do this, but fuck it... (go for kiss).”

“If there weren't all these people in here right now, I would throw you down on that pool table and have my way with you.”

“I would love to take you home tonight. I know it would be amazing. But I want to wait until next time”

Chapter Recap

1. Don’t be afraid of expressing your sexuality and don’t be intimidated by her sexuality if she says something sexual. She’s likely testing your own confidence and level of comfort.

1. When you bring up intimate topics in a comfortable way it will get her thinking about escalating the interaction with you.

1. To keep things fun and escalate to intimacy, play flirtatious games or talk about other's experiences, rather than just tossing out direct sexual statements that may come across as lewd.

CHAPTER 10:

Sexual Tension and Escalation

“Sexual tension is when you feel a spark, just from grazing your hand against their hand. Just from an innocent, accidental touch. ”

- Holly Riordan

The anticipation and possibility that something exciting and intimate might occur is what creates sexual tension. A grounded man can enjoy the sexual tension and increase it at will. The typical “nice guy,” on the other hand, doesn't create any anticipation nor sexual tension. He has a nice friendly conversation that feels very platonic to her. It doesn't excite her. It doesn't create any deep emotions. He is not playing to win; but rather playing not to lose.

He doesn't’ want to say anything that might rock the boat or offend her. His eye contact is shifty. He speaks fast and ends his sentences with a high pitch tonality, causing him to sound unsure of himself. He stands too far away from her. He laughs and smiles too much, breaking all tension. He plays on the safe side and keeps the conversation purely friendly.

If you do this don’t be surprised if you forever reside in the land of friend zone purgatory.

Instead, your entire vibe should imply that this is not a platonic interaction. The look in your eyes should imply that you will rock her world, if she is lucky enough that you choose her. The way you speak to her should be low, drawn out and sexual. The ends of your sentences should go down in pitch, conveying your masculine strength.

Sexual Tension Through Body Language

Your body language and tone should express your sexual interest clearly, without any ambiguity. You should always be classy, of course, but don’t be so gentlemanly that she’s still wondering what you want after a few seconds. This means, for example, don’t be afraid to glance down at her body from time to time when neither of you are speaking, but don’t stare or leer. Feel free to hold her hand a little longer than usual or slip inside the “personal space” barrier occasionally while speaking to her, but don’t physically trap her or rub against her like a needy puppy.

This clear intent is a signal that allows her to express her sexual attraction back to you in a safe, playful way, or ignore the tension gracefully if she’s not interested.

She might reciprocate by holding your gaze or hand longer than normal, or by blushing or bashfully looking down. Maybe she’ll lean in when you get close instead of staying put or sliding away. All of these are flashing “game on” signals that mean she’s interested in taking things further.

The next time you approach a woman, I want you to intentionally increase the sexual tension with your body language alone. Your eyes will have the biggest impact, so make sure to hold strong eye contact. Don’t look away to avoid or break the tension. Hold her gaze and enjoy it. Take in her beauty. Breath it in. Instead of hiding your sexual interest in her, allow yourself to experience it fully and express it through your eyes.

Make sure to slow down the speed in which you speak. When you talk too fast it makes you seem nervous, as if you want to finish the interaction as quickly as possible. It portrays that you don't believe what you have to say has merit and that you think she doesn't want to listen, which is why you are saying it so fast. This is the opposite of confidence.

Instead, remember to slow things down. Take deep full breaths. This will allow you to get grounded and present and will help you naturally create longer pauses. Pauses create anticipation over what you'll say next and amps up the sexual tension. Even when you’re exaggerating your pauses to the point it feels incredibly awkward, you will likely still be too fast, but at least you’re headed in the right direction.

When it comes to your voice, you should also speak in a loud authoritative tone. Don't yell for God's sakes, but speak loud enough so she can hear you clearly. If she asks, “what?” then you know you are speaking much too soft, which makes you seem weak and afraid.

Try to speak deep and low. Don't overdo it, just speak from your diaphragm. Make sure the inflection at the ends of your sentences don't go up in pitch, or you will sound overly excited and desperate to seek rapport. Make sure your tone is either neutral or goes down at the end.

Just to be clear, this doesn't mean that you should be monotone. Your tone should fluctuate naturally and you should have passion in your voice.

Like with everything, it’s important to show a range of emotion. Just because you are grounded doesn't mean you should be stiff or display a stone-cold face.

After all, she must be able to read you. If she can't read you because you are expressionless, then she will assume the worst, that you are a serial killer. Seriously. So, make sure to smile, but don't go overboard with a comedic ear to ear grin. She doesn't need to see all of your pearly whites. Instead have a sly subtle smile or smirk that communicates that you know she wants you. Squinting your eyes just a bit, can help.

I know this seems like a lot to remember, but these are all the same principles you learned for initially talking to women, just slowed down and exaggerated for maximum sexual tension. Best of all, if you’re really staying grounded, then your body language will tweak itself naturally. Just allow yourself to feel your attraction towards her by taking your time to really appreciate her beauty, instead of masking it.

If you want to ramp up the sexual tension even more, then stand closer to her. In a daytime situation, getting too close too soon might scare her, but anything further than arms distance away makes you seem afraid of her. Some women will actually stand in your personal space to see if you can handle the tension. I love it when they do that.

During the day, experiment with standing arms distance apart. Once you are comfortable with that, try standing an inch or two closer. Just that small difference can really spike the sexual tension.

At a bar or club you should stand much closer, since there is loud music. In a noisy club it's fine to stand with your body touching hers. Even pulling her closer with your hand on her lower back as you talk to her.

The Sexual Tension Handshake

When you shake her hand, make sure it is firm so she feels your strength. Don't crush her hand or she’ll feel like you are a man who could cause her harm because you don't know how to control your strength.

But don’t match her gentle touch. Women hate a limp fish handshake since that’s not what she’s expecting from a strong man. A weak handshake means you are a weak man and the attraction will instantly die.

Also, try to hold her hand a few seconds longer than normal. This will really amp up the sexual tension and create a more romantic vibe.

The same is true for hugging. Sissy hugs with your ass sticking out while patting her back are what you do when you aren’t comfortable with someone. So when you hug her, give her a strong squeeze so she feels your power. If she seems really shy, then a side hug is fine.

Practicing Sexual Tension

I know this is a lot to remember, and I don't expect you to remember it all right away. That’s why it is so important to read this book several times and take good notes.

Just keep in mind that your overall vibe should be confident, grounded, playful and sexual with a willingness to walk away.

But all the study in the world is no substitute for hands-on practice. So get out there and put these lessons to work, even if it’s just one component at a time. To get the best results, it’s incredibly helpful to get an outside perspective. If you can have a wingman analyze your approach for you and provide you with constructive feedback, that can be extremely beneficial. Unfortunately, most average wingmen don't know what to look for or how to give feedback.

That's why attending getting mentored by a coach can be extremely valuable, because a coach will point out all of your blind spots for you.

Those blind spots are all things you are doing to push women away that you are completely oblivious about. We all have them. One little tweak in your body language can make a huge difference.

For example, most guys don't realize that they glance down when talking to a woman to break the tension. Looking down at the ground can completely turn her off because it's weak submissive behavior. Even if you’re still giving off a confident vibe, looking down too often makes her feel as if you’re just staring at her like a piece of meat.

Guys don't mean to do this, and are usually totally unaware they are doing it. Once we point out this flaw and correct it, their results dramatically increase. And that's just one of many things they might be doing to push women away.

Keys To Sensual Touching

You can also ramp up the sexual tension and demonstrate your desire nonverbally by touching her. Touching is vital in helping a woman feel safe, connected and turned on by you. Unlike with men, it’s exceedingly rare she’ll even consider having sex with you before establishing a significant level of physical comfort beforehand.

The best way to establish this physical comfort is with physical contact. Touching releases oxytocin, the “bonding hormone” that helps increase comfort and attachment. Male primates often groom the females in their group in order to woo them. It’s the touching that creates a close bond between males and females.

The problem is that if you touch the wrong way, or too much too soon, it can have the opposite effect and release the stress chemical cortisol. Or as women call this, the “creepy touch” and it will break rapport and destroy your chances with her.

I remember being in a club in Vegas with my girlfriend, who worked as a model at the time. Naturally, guys would constantly hit on her the second she left my side. At one point, I was standing at the bar, waiting for her to come back from the bathroom. On her way back some big wannabe bodybuilder dude snatched her wrist in the air. He started pumping her hand while introducing himself. Somehow he must have interpreted her face flushing with rage as blushing, so he wrapped an arm around the small of her back and pulled her in closer.

Her reaction was priceless.

Whatever line he had brewing never got out as she punched him in the face. I don’t mean an offended slap, but a full roundhouse to the jaw. She wound up having a sore wrist later.

I could hear her screaming long before I got close. “Let me go! You don’t fucking know me! Get the fuck off me!”

I have to admit, instead of stepping in to protect my girlfriend from this douchebag, I ran over and yanked her off of him. I literally had to hold her back from killing the guy. Even as a bouncer came over and escorted the big guy out, he kept babbling about, “I just said hey and never touched her sexually!”

When she calmed down, I asked my girlfriend what she was thinking picking a fight with him when she could have just waited a few seconds until I got over there. She just sighed and said, “I wasn’t thinking. It was just reflex. You’re a man, you can’t understand what it feels like.”

The important take away is not to be scared of touching but do it incrementally. When it comes to touching, or any form of escalation, start small to test the woman’s comfort level, and then work your way up as she becomes more comfortable with you over time.

This guy was completely uncalibrated and misjudged the situation by trying to jump right to the top of the escalator, missing quite a few steps in the process.

Here are three more important rules to keep in mind when it comes to touching women:

Strong VS Soft Touch

Most guys think women are delicate little flowers and so they touch them weak and way too soft. Now there is definitely a time to use a soft touch to get her aroused. But, don’t be afraid to shake her hand like a man or give her a good bear hug, as long as the context calls for it.

The same goes for physically moving her. Take her hand when you’re ready to move somewhere instead of waiting for her to lead. This will make her feel safe as you are leading her through the crowd. When you hug, pull her a bit close instead of leaning just your upper body her way. And when you kiss, cup her chin and tilt her lips up or towards you as needed.

The key is to be powerful without overpowering her. Be dominant, without being domineering.

At any point, if you sense she’s uncomfortable just pull away and stop touching her. Never force or coerce her to do anything she doesn’t want to do. You are a man of options so you don’t need to touch her.

Break The Touch Barrier Sooner Rather Than Later

If you wait too long to touch her then that first contact will seem awkward and forced. So make sure to touch her hand, shoulder or some other platonic point as soon as possible, which is typically within a few seconds of meeting. For example, during the day usually a handshake, and/or a kiss on the cheek is appropriate. At a bar you might give her a playful high-five or touch her casually touch her shoulder to get her attention. On a date, you would give her a hug and/or kiss on the cheek when you greet her.

I recommend touching early and often so she assumes you are a touchy guy and won't think anything of it. If you wait too long and then suddenly go for a big touch, such as putting your arm around her or going for a kiss, she'll likely resist because it no longer feels natural.

It's better to do a small touch right away, and then work your way up to more intimate touching later on.

Don’t Let It Linger

In the beginning, make sure to keep your touches brief. Remember, touching releases the bonding hormone oxytocin, which feels good. But if you let it linger too long, cortisol is released and those good feeling turn into creepy feelings.

A good rule in mind is taking two steps forward, one step back. If you keep putting on the gas, then she will put on the brakes. So instead of touching and escalating as much as you can, remember to take a step back, because when you take away your touch she will want more. But if you keep touching her and escalating non-stop, then she is more likely to resist or even get scared. The idea is to make her want more of your touch instead of wanting you to stop.

An example of physically escalating then taking it away is putting your arm around her, telling her you like her and then turn completely away from her. Another example is kissing her and then ending the tongue wrestling match before she does, by saying, “That’s all you get; no more for you,” with a smirk.

Types Of Touches By Context

When it comes to touching, you can't just start feeling all over her for no reason. There must be context to your touch. Without any reason for you touching her it will just come off as creepy touching.

So here are seven reasons you can touch, each with their own style:

1. Conversational Touch - Using your hands as you talk and touching her arm, shoulder or hand to emphasis a point. Example: “You won’t believe what happened next...” as you touch her arm to express emphasis. In a loud bar you might touch her waist, which is a very sensual spot, as you lean in to tell her something.

2. Inquiring Touch - Touch her hair, nails or something she is wearing to make a comment about it. Example: “Wow you have sparkly nails,” as you hold her hands examining her nail polish. You can also try complimenting her figure. Just like how women say, “Have you been working out?” as an excuse to touch your biceps, you can say the same line as you touch her abs. Make sure she has a flat stomach before you do this because pinching her belly flab won’t exactly turn her on.

3. Leading Touch - While leading her from one place to the next, you can hold her hand, walk arm-in-arm, or place your palm on her lower back. This builds extra trust and feelings of safety in many situations, such as when holding her hand while crossing a busy road because it will make her feel protected.

4. Correcting Touch - Fix something about her like her clothing, hair or posture. Example: “Hold on let me fix your shirt. Okay, there, much better.”

5. Playful Touch - Fun games like thumb wrestling or slap hands.

6. Rewarding Touch - Rewarding her with a hug, high-five or kiss. Example: “Nice, that deserves a hug!”

7. Direct Touch - Going for a kiss, biting her neck, pulling her hair in a sexual manner, initiating foreplay or just taking her and having your way with her. You should have built up a high level of attraction and compliance in order to execute direct touch properly. Don’t be afraid to give her a head’s-up. She’ll find it quite sexy to hear something like, “I’m going to kiss you now. Hold on to your socks.” Conversely, nothing kills the mood faster than misreading the situation and planting an unwelcome kiss.

Don’t be afraid to push the envelope when it comes to physically and verbally showing your interest. I’m not talking about groping or doing anything to make her uncomfortable, of course, but if her body language is responding well to a casual touch, why stop? Last time I checked, a two hour long platonic conversation never turned a woman on.

In fact, I once taught a class of 17 women and 14 guys in Singapore with one of our instructors, Josiah, and the number one complaint that the women there expressed was that men don't escalate and show their interest soon enough.

Make Your Move

It's not in a women's nature to make the first move. As the man, you have to do it, or another guy will. So get used to it.

A woman will often lose interest in a man if he doesn't make a move or sexualize the interaction fast enough. If you don’t make the first move, then she will find someone else who will.

Women are usually in search of romance and excitement. So you will rarely lose a girl because you made too many moves or were overly sexual, as long as you’re classy about it. In fact, I can't think of a single client who told me he didn't get a second date because he talked about sex too much or tried to kiss her too many times.

So, stop hesitating and second guessing yourself, because women want you to make a move on them. Even if you swing and miss, that’s not the end of things if you remain grounded. Next time you are on a date with a girl, go for it and reap the rewards.

You can thank me later.

Handling Objections To Your Advances

Now, if you get any type of objection when you go for a kiss or make a move on her, don't panic. A grounded man should never be phased by an objection. Obviously, no means no, and even if she doesn’t specifically say stop, if her body language is hesitant or unsure, you should definitely back off. But no matter what, take the objection with poise.

For a common example, say you think the moment is just right and lean in for a kiss but she flicks her head away at the last second. Don’t be embarrassed or try to cover up the awkwardness by getting defensive. Don't say, “What's wrong?” or “I thought you liked me!?” This sounds needy, overly dramatic and downright pathetic. You will lose her if you seem emotionally distraught by her rejection.

Instead, own up to the tension and then move on.

My favorite thing to say when a woman rejects my kiss attempt, and I suggest you steal this, is, “Aww that's cute. Don't worry, I'll get you later.”

Whatever you say, just remain calm and collected, because she will be carefully monitoring you for any sign of emotional distress. If you seem upset or emotionally effected by her rejection then she won’t see you as a confident grounded man.

Remember, it's in a woman's nature to give objections, even if she’s attracted to you, simply because she doesn't want to seem too easy. Often “no” isn’t forever, but just means “not right now.” You’ll never know what she intends though if you act pushy and desperate.

She could also just be testing to see how you will react. Even if you back off immediately but you seem emotionally distraught, then she knows you are a man who can't handle it when things don't go your way. This will make her feel unsafe, like you cannot protect her if shit hits the fan, or that you might hurt her if she angers you.

Just because a woman rejects your move, doesn't necessarily mean she's not interested in you. It usually just means you misread her signals and are moving too fast. If you stay emotionally unaffected and don’t let the rejection bother you, then she will likely feel even more comfortable with you than before. Just stay emotionally unaffected by her objections. Remain calm, smile and change the subject. That’s the only way to get another chance later.

Chapter Recap

1. Creating sexual tension will help her see you as a potential lover instead of just friends

1. Break the touch barrier in a casual way. Then keep cycling between escalating and cooling off the sexual tension as you get to know each other to build up the anticipation.

1. Don’t be afraid to make a move. It’s more likely that you will lose the girl for waiting too long to escalate VS. escalating too soon.

1. If you stay cool and don’t take a rejection personally, then a ‘no’ usually means “not right now,” rather than never.

EXERCISE

1. Think of times in your past where you lost the girl or ended up in the friend zone because you didn't make a move on her. Write down 3 things you could you have done differently to take the interaction to the next level.

CHAPTER 11:
Putting It All Together In Different Situations

“I'm the old-fashioned type who prefers to meet a woman in a more normal setting. I’ve always liked to do my own hunting when it comes to meeting women.”

- George Clooney

By now, you've already learned how to make a woman feel safe by being grounded; how to show your desire and create attraction without being creepy; how to be a challenge and make her start chasing you; how to build rapport so she'll feel a connection and trusts you; how to keep things fun and flirty to increase her interest and escalate smoothly; and how to take things further and get her thinking about sex with you. Now, it's time to put it all together so you can use these tools in different situations.

But what are the best situations to meet women? Well, my friend once asked me, “Matt, what's the worst place to sell a book?” I was puzzled. “In a bookstore,” he claimed, “Because you are competing with all of the other books.” Now, I'm not entirely sure if that's true or not, but it's certainly true when it comes to dating. Instead of lurking online or going to a club full of jacked up alpha males all competing for the same “prey” like a pack of lions, I recommend focusing on places with little or no competition.

Meeting Women During The Day: The Compliment, Qualify, Close Method

Imagine you are sitting at your favorite cafe and spot a beautiful woman walking by.

At a club you would have to talk over loud music, fend off other guys trying to butt in, charm her friends who are looking for an excuse to be cock-blocks and deal with a barrage of other distractions. However, during the day you can simply walk up to a woman by herself and get her number or go on an instant date with her with few distractions and almost zero competition. If you follow my straightforward approach, there’s no reason you couldn’t walk up to most women and get a date within three minutes.

So, let me break down my tried and true C.Q.C. (Compliment, Qualify, Close) method for you step by step.

Step 1: Compliment

The reason you want to talk to her is because you think she's attractive, right? So be honest, cut to the chase and show your true intentions by being direct and giving her a genuine compliment.

Remember, women are intuitive by nature. It's a primitive survival mechanism. Since they can sense your intentions, if you are trying to hide your intent it can make her feel threatened.

Plus, being direct and showing your interest right away will also save you a ton of time if she has a boyfriend or isn't interested. If you ask her an indirect question or use an observation, you might waste a lot of time talking about something irrelevant with a woman who is unavailable. That time could have been better spent meeting women who are single and interested.

You might be thinking, “But you said that women are indirect in their communication, therefore shouldn’t I be indirect?” Yes, in some situations it is better to be indirect, such as when you take her back to your place. “Let’s go check out the view from my apartment,” will likely work better than, “Let’s go shag.” But when it comes to the approach and the initial spark of attraction, male direct communication works better because it demonstrates confidence, leadership and assertiveness, all attractive masculine traits.

Another reason a direct compliment works so well is because women love watching romantic movies where the leading male character is full of purpose and confidently approaches the woman of his dreams. Think of the scene in The Notebook—I know it’s probably your favorite movie of all time—where Ryan Gosling approaches Rachel McAdams and unapologetically shows his desire and asks for exactly what he wants. Women absolutely love that scene. It's all about creating that movie moment for her.

Clear Intent To Enhance Desire

As you know, women love to feel desired by a strong confident man. However, there is nothing inherently powerful about giving a compliment like, “Hey, I think you are cute.” What makes it effective is your intent, which is conveyed based on how you deliver the compliment.

For example, if your intention is to not get rejected, she will feel that fearful energy and it won’t feel attractive. If, on the other hand, you are feeling great about yourself and are excited to make her day, then your delivery will be confident and she will likely be very receptive.

The best compliments to use are “cute,” “adorable,” “stunning,” “pretty,” “beautiful” and “gorgeous.” “Sexy” and “hot” are too sexual, so don’t use these compliments during the daytime. It doesn’t matter which compliment you give, as long as it feels authentic and genuine for you. I often just give an implied compliment like, “I just saw you over here and I had to come meet you.” This works well and still makes her feel beautiful, even though there was no actual compliment. It’s not the actual words that make her smile, it’s the emotion and tension that makes her feel attraction.

Body Language

Compliments only work when there is emotion attached by really feeling the words you are saying. Through repetition and practice, the emotional impact will come naturally through your voice tonality, body language and eye contact.

During the opening statement, your eye contact should be intense and you should not break eye contact for any reason. Later in the interaction it’s fine to look away, but in the first few moments it’s crucial to have strong, yet relaxed, eye contact. Breaking eye contact shows weakness that you can’t handle the intensity of the situation, so make sure to hold it.

Make sure you are also relaxed and taking your time. If you rush through the compliment, you will seem scared and nervous. Take a deep breath, get grounded, and use plenty of pauses. The more time you take, from the moment you get her attention to the moment you actually give the compliment, the more tension is created.

For example, “Hey, you're cute!” will have almost no sexual tension and be significantly less effective than, “Hey...real quick...this is a little unexpected...and I know you are busy...but I just saw you here...and I had to meet you because you are...absolutely...stunning.”

Can you hear the difference? In the second example, I'm taking a lot more time by using pauses.

I'm always using two other techniques that you should be using in all of your daytime approaches. These two techniques, time constraints and acknowledging the reality, can often make or break your interactions.

You Must Use Time Constraints

People are usually busy during the day. They’re either working, or on their way to work, shopping, talking on their phone, on their way to meet a friend, etc. When someone they don't know approaches them, the first thing they often wonder is, “How much time is this going take?”

So to preemptively defuse her knee-jerk objection to a stranger taking up her time, use a time constraint as soon as you open your mouth. This could be as simple as: “Hey, real quick…” “One second, please…” or “I have to get going soon…” These simple statements will put her mind at ease by letting her know that you won’t take up too much of her time, which allows her to listen to what you’re saying.

Acknowledge Her Reality

Similar to a time constraint, it’s imperative that you acknowledge the reality of the situation and show her that you understand that she's busy doing something else. This clears the air and suddenly makes her getting upset at your interruption feel like a bigger social faux pas than what you did. It even establishes a sense of rapport because you’re showing that you understand what’s going on in her reality and respect what’s important to her.

Talking about the reality of the situation also allows you to extend the introduction before delivering the actual compliment. Like I said before, pausing and having enough time from the moment you approach her until the moment you deliver the compliment creates tension, anticipation and makes the compliment far more powerful.

Think of a funny comedian, for example. He builds up a lot of tension before delivering the punch line. When he finally delivers the punch line, the audience laughs, which releases the tension of the buildup to the joke. If you were to try to deliver the same joke without the same build up, your audience is likely to look at you puzzled. If you've ever repeated a comedian’s joke to your friends but it didn't land it was likely because it lacked tension.

So to create more tension, drama, and suspense in your approach, take your time and make sure to acknowledge the reality of the moment before delivering the compliment. Most of the time, you can just simply acknowledge whatever it is that she's doing.

If she's walking her dog say, “Hey I know you are walking your dog...” If she's at work say, “Listen, I know you are working....” If she's walking very quickly say, “Hey I know you are in a rush, but...”

You can even acknowledge what she might be potentially thinking. Now, unfortunately we aren't mind readers, but we can predict that she probably doesn't get approached very often during the day. In fact, the prettier she is, the likelihood of men approaching her decreases. Especially during the daytime. Let’s face it, most guys are way too intimidated and simply don't have the “cojones” to approach hot women without some liquid courage first. So this is your time to shine and stand out from the pack.

If you don't believe me, just ask your female friends, “How often does a guy walk up to you and confidently tell you that he thinks you are attractive?” She might often get catcalled or hollered at, but it’s probably rare that she gets approached the way I’m showing you here. Since it's uncommon for her, acknowledge that by saying, “This is really random,” or “This is totally unexpected.” Even if it isn't random or unexpected for you, it will be for her.

You can also acknowledge your own reality. If you saw her in the distance, then feel free to say that. Or, if you were sitting at a cafe and she walked by you, just tell her, “Hey, real quick, I was just sitting at that cafe...and you just walked by me...”

It nothing else, at least acknowledge what you are thinking or feeling. For example, “This is kind of random and I don't usually do this... but I just thought it would be a good idea...to say hi.”

This can be extra useful if you are feeling nervous. Instead of trying to hide your nerves, which can make things awkward, just own up to it and acknowledge the situation by saying, “I am a little nervous.” After all, the definition of courage is the ability to do something that frightens you. So when you tell her that you don't usually do this despite being nervous, it actually shows your courage. Which is far more attractive than not mentioning your nerves while shuffling around and fidgeting.

What About Those So-Called Tough Situations?

There is no such thing as a tough situation if you’re acknowledging reality. When you grab the bull by the horns and tackle any potential problem as soon as you open your mouth, the seemingly impossible will become routine. For example, if she’s chatting on her phone or eating with someone at a restaurant, it can seem quite rude to approach her. So it's vital that you acknowledge that what you are doing is slightly rude.

The beauty is when you acknowledge that you are aware of the social awkwardness or rudeness of the situation and get that out of the way, she usually won't see it as a big deal. Whereas if you didn't acknowledge your rudeness, her mind would be distracted with, “Can't this guy see I'm busy? Why is he interrupting me?”

For example, if she’s talking on the phone, you would simply say, “Hey, real quick, I know you are on the phone, and I know it's so rude to interrupt, but I had to come meet you.” Trust me, this might seem like a lost cause, but it actually works more than you think. Quite often she's not even on an important call and she’ll be happy to call the person back, assuming you’re projecting an attractive vibe.

A quick side note: If she's on the phone, then don't do the customary long pauses. Keep your intro short, but don’t speak so fast she might have trouble understanding you.

Such “impossible” situations, like when she's on the phone, hanging out with a friend, sitting with her mother or even talking to another guy, are actually great opportunities. She’s quite aware of what’s going on and remember: women want to be uniquely desired above all else. So the tougher the circumstances, the more flattering your approach seems. The same compliment delivered when she’s clearly busy and you’re risking “embarrassment” just to talk to her carries far more weight than the same thing delivered when she’s sitting alone at a bar.

Personally, I prefer these tough situations and seek them out. The tension is so much fun and great practice. If she’s really busy, then I’ll know immediate and can move on in seconds. But if she’s attracted to me, then that attraction will be ramped up a hundred-fold when she sees how bold I am.

There are many variations on this but acknowledging the reality of what you’re doing out loud makes it possible to approach in almost any situation. For example, if she's with a friend you can say, “Hey I know you girls are busy, but I thought your friend here was really cute. Is it okay if I say 'hi'?” Asking her friend for permission shows respect, and it’s always a good idea to get her friend’s favor in every interaction.

If she's working you could say, “I know you’re working but I had to tell you that I think you are absolutely gorgeous” Naturally, if she's at work she probably can't whip out her phone and give out her number. Even if her boss isn't around, there might be cameras. So, when it's time to get her number, just acknowledge the reality by saying, “Listen, I know you can't give out your number while you are working, but you have to make an exception just this once. Go to the counter and grab a pen and write it down. No one will know.” This works great because you are diffusing her objection beforehand in a dominant and assertive manner.

Acknowledging reality even works with girls who are with guys. Again, this is one of my favorite approaches because it demonstrates a ton of courage to the woman. Now, if they’re obviously in a relationship, like holding hands, then you’re just being a pest and asking for trouble. But if their relationship status is unclear, then by all means, go for it. Walk up and acknowledge the situation by saying to the guy, “Hey really quick, I know this is random and I mean no disrespect, (turn to look at the girl) but your girlfriend here is absolutely stunning, (look back at the guy) and I just wanted to give a compliment to you.”

If they are together, he’ll likely thank you. Even if he sees straight through you, he likely won’t want to publicly overreact to a simple compliment. If they aren’t romantically involved, then he’s on the spot to tell you. And if he doesn’t tell you that the aren’t together then she will. You can then proceed by asking how they know each other, introducing yourself, qualifying her, and setting up a time to meet up with her alone.

Step 2: Qualify Her

After providing a time constraint, acknowledging the reality, and giving a compliment in a calm and confident manner, then introduce yourself and shake her hand. A firm strong handshake is a must. Remember, women hate a limp fish hand shake because it conveys weakness.

At this point you don't know anything about her, except her name and that she's attractive. For a man of low status, that might be enough, but she’ll sense such desperation and it will turn her off. A man of high status realizes there’s endless fish in the sea and wants to find out more about her to see if she’s worth the time to take things further. She will appreciate earning your attraction, so remember to be a man of standards and ask a qualifying question.

It all comes back to a woman wanting to be uniquely desired. She knows most men have low standards and aren’t picky, so when she meets a man with high standards who is a bit of a challenge, and then wins him over, she really feels special. So tell her something like, “Well I have to get going (time constraining) but I don't know anything about you (acknowledging the reality) so tell me one cool thing about you.”

Or, if you want to be even more challenging you could say, “I'm really picky about who I hang out with, so tell me something interesting about you.” This may seem harsh, but it should be true. You should be picky about who you hang out with because you’re a busy man and your time is valuable.

I prefer broad, open ended questions like, “Tell me something interesting or cool about you,” “What are you passionate about?” or “What is something you’ve done that you are proud of?” This gets her thinking and puts some pressure on her. She’ll likely answer with something that is important to her, so you’ll get some good insight into her life and what she’s all about.

Remember, you can also qualify her based on something specific. Maybe you are looking for an athletic woman, so you might ask, “I am really in to fitness. Did you workout?” Say this with a smile so it doesn’t come off as too harsh.

Remember, if there is something that is a total turn off or deal breaker for you, such as a habit like smoking or a certain political view, you can screen that early on by asking, “Do you smoke?” or “Are you a Democrat or Republican?” If she gives the wrong answer just pleasantly end the interaction with, “Oh bummer, it won’t work out between us. I know your prince charming is out there. Have an awesome day.” Now, even if she answers correctly but you’re still not sure, don’t be afraid to keep asking follow up questions. For example, “Okay good, you get cool points for not smoking. One more question before I go. What is your favorite thing to do on the weekend?”

What if you ask a general qualification question like, “Tell me something interesting about you,” and she says, “I don’t know?” That doesn’t mean she’s boring and empty headed, but likely isn’t used to being on the spot like this. So it’s your responsibility to help her out.

You can either narrow it down to something specific like, “What are you passionate about?” or you can use reciprocity and give her an example from your own life, such as, “Well, I really love to go scuba diving because it's so peaceful under the water. What about you? Is there something you love to do that makes you feel at peace?”

Don’t count on girls always having a great answer right away. Especially if she’s incredibly attractive, it’s quite likely no man has ever asked such a direct qualification question before. So be a gentleman and help her out by giving her an example of something interesting about you. This means you must have a good example planned out beforehand. I usually say, “Well, like me, I love to play guitar because I love to express myself through music. What about you? Is there something creative that you love to do?” This, of course, also gives her an opportunity to learn more about you and ask about your life.

Build Rapport and Appreciate

After she gives you a decent answer, keep the conversation going by simply talking about the topic she mentioned. You can relate to her by giving examples of your own experience. Make sure to avoid fact finding questions like, “how long have you been into that?” or “where do you do that?” Stick to emotion generation questions.

When you’re first getting to know someone, you’re just building a connection rather than learn all the details of their life story. So relate to the emotions or motivations of her passions and interests, rather than the specifics. This is all the more important if you don’t directly share her interests. For example, if she loves painting because she can express herself freely but you're are a horrible painter, then relate to expressing yourself by talking about something that you love that makes you feel that way.

Practical Example:

Guy: “I have to get going but before I go, tell me one cool thing about you. Because I don’t know anything about you and I don’t know if we can hang out yet.”

Girl: “Well, I love to paint.”

Guy: “You love to paint. Interesting. What is it about painting that you love?”

Girl: “It’s a way of expressing myself and a way to release whatever I’m feeling.”

Guy: “I know what you mean. I feel the same way when I’m playing guitar. It’s kind of a way to escape the chaos of the world for me. Is it like that for you when you’re painting?”

Girl: “Yeah, definitely! I just feel so at peace.”

Guy: “I just get in the zone sometimes and that’s when I come up with my best stuff. Are you ever in the zone like that?”

Girl: “Yeah, for sure! I just painted this abstract piece the other day and it only took me an hour because I was in the zone. The inspiration just came to me. And I didn’t even realize that 3 hours just flew by.”

Guy: “I love when that happens. I have to come see your art sometime. because I like that you are so creative. Maybe I’ll even play you a song, if you are lucky (smile).”

Girl: “Sure!”

Guy: “Lets exchange contact info.”

Girl: “Okay here…”

Guy: “Where were you headed by the way?”

Girl: “Just shopping.”

Guy: “Okay I only have ten minutes. Let’s grab coffee. I know a great place on the next block.”

Girl: “Umm, sure. Why not?!”

Remember to give appreciation after she qualifies herself, as long as she gives an answer that you like. The whole point is to help her win you over. If you are too much of a challenge it can push her away. So after you relate to her answer, do show her you appreciate what she’s saying. People love to feel appreciated, but it has to be genuine. Saying, “Oh nice,” is too bland and sounds like B.S. Instead, tell her why you like that specific quality about her.

For example, if she loves to paint you could say, “I like that you are so artistic and I'd love to see your drawings some time.” Or, if she is a dancer you could say, “That's really cool that you feel free enough to express yourself through your dancing. I like that.” Or if she seems really passionate about something you could say, “I love how passionate you are about that. It's so important to have passions in life.”

Step 3: Closing The Deal

Finally, if she seems like someone you would like to get to know better, then you must get her contact info or go for an instant date right then and there. The key here for getting her number or social media is not to ask for it, but expect it. Don't say, “Can I have your number?” or “Can I add you on social media?” because that shows a sudden lack of confidence. Instead, assume that she likes you and state it as a casual command instead of a question.

Remember, women love guys that are direct and go for what they want. So after the qualification step, say, “Here, put your number in my phone,” or “Let's exchange contact info. Do you prefer texting or social media?” And then hand her your phone or tell her to hand over hers because you expect her to say yes. There are many ways that you can go for her contact info, but the important thing is to make a definitive statement, instead of asking an unconfident question.

If she isn't busy at that moment, then why quit while you’re ahead? Instead of dealing with the headache of messaging back and forth to set up a future date, just go for an instant date. After you get her number, you can ask, “What are you up to right now?” If she gives you an answer like, “Not much, I’m just walking around,” then ask her out right then by suggesting coffee, ice cream or going for a walk.

Remember to use a time constraint in case she’s not yet ready to commit to a long date. Say something like, “I have 10 minutes, let's grab an ice-cream. My treat. I know a great place nearby.”

Don't worry if you and her decide to spend more than ten minutes together. I've had instant dates that lasted hours, even though I told her I only had ten minutes to spare. Remember, she is winning you over, and therefore, you are deciding to spend more time with her.

Taking Her Home in Broad Daylight

You’ll be surprised how often instant dates turn into her going back to your place. Not always, of course, but the odds are stacked in your favor. Since most guys never approach women during the day, it's very uncommon for a woman to go home with a guy she just met at the mall or at the park. So many women view the entire concept as a naughty, secret fantasy… and you can be the one to make it a reality for her. Just bounce around to a few different venues, such as a coffee shop, the park, an ice cream parlor, etc. and then suggest going back to your place to do something innocent. Like watching a movie, cooking dinner together or showing her your hobbies firsthand.

Since it’s daytime, the whole situation seems more innocent and less about sex compared to going home with a guy at 1 a.m. When you’re alone and she seems clearly comfortable, then ramp up the flirting. Don’t be afraid to go for a kiss and escalate physically.

Meeting Girls At Social Events

I highly recommend you frequent social gatherings in your city, such as meetup groups, singles mixers, dance class, personal development seminars, cooking classes and fitness classes. Since you will likely see the women there multiple times, there is no need to be as direct in showing your attraction towards her as you would be when meeting someone walking down the street. When you meet an attractive woman during the day you usually have one shot with her and that’s it. In social gatherings though, you can take your time building rapport… and sexual tension.

In social settings, I usually introduce myself with, “Hi, I’m Matt. I don’t think we’ve met yet.” It’s simple, direct to the point and implies that you know a lot of people. Like every approach, desire and attraction won’t come from the words, especially since there is no compliment. It comes from the way you look at her, your tone of voice, how grounded you are and your overall vibe, most of which are communicated nonverbally.

After you introduce yourself, qualify her with, “What do you love about cooking?” If it’s a cooking class of course. You could also ask, “Besides cooking, how else do you love spending your free time?” After a short conversation go for her contact details sooner rather than later. If you wait until next class, you might be disappointed if she doesn’t show up. I recommend exchanging social media because it’s more low-key and lower compliance than a phone number.

What about women at work? Well, if you like your job then I don’t recommend hitting on or flirting with girls at work. Instead, befriend the women there and tell them you are single, and maybe they’ll introduce you to their single friends. Or maybe they will be willing to come with you to a bar and help you meet girls.

Speaking of female friends, not only are events and classes often packed with available women, but you can also make genuine, non-romantic friends. Building up your social circle is a great way to meet women because your new friends will introduce you to their female friends. All you have to do is ask.

Meeting Girls In The Night Life Scene

A lot of guys think approaching women at night, where they’re often looking for a man and have loosened their inhibitions a bit with alcohol is the easiest way to go. In reality, it’s much less straight forward than approaching a woman in the daytime and using the Compliment, Qualify, Close (C.Q.C.) method.

While the fundamentals are the same, meeting women at night has its own obstacles and requires a slightly modified approach. Sure, sometimes just a short conversation leads to a number and a date later on. Yet often it’s a longer interaction that lasts half the night. Or perhaps you encounter multiple interactions with the same girl throughout the night. Or, best case scenario, you bring the girl you like, often with her friends tagging along, to another bar or two and then back to your place.

Let me stress the friend aspect. With all the desperate creeps out there, women rarely go out alone. You will almost always have to deal with multiple friends. Sometimes her friends will be fully onboard and help facilitate you and her getting to know each other, while other times they’ll do everything in their power to cockblock you.

Other roadblocks you will likely encounter at a bar are desperate guys competing for the girl you like, loud music, random drunk people, her drinking too much, her friends dragging her to the bathroom, plus a general onslaught of other distractions, since bars and clubs are designed to distract and entertain people.

With so many potential roadblocks, why even bother trying to meet girls at bars and clubs? Why not focus solely on the daytime, where there's basically zero competition, no loud music, no drunken debauchery, and women are more likely to be alone?

The answer is simple: Frequency. Bars and clubs usually have a lot more attractive and available women, compared to a mall or any random street. In huge cities, like New York or Saint Petersburg, this may not be as true, but in most cities, you’ll have to sample the night life to find a large collection of potential dating partners.

That’s why bars and clubs can be great places to put your skills to the test. If you can handle the fast pace environment and plethora of distractions you'll encounter while meeting girls at night, then meeting girls during the day will be a breeze. And if you can tolerate the intensity and craziness of interacting with women at bars, then your dates will feel like a piece of cake.

So let’s break down your modified approach in these situations.

Starting Off The Night

First, when you enter the venue, don’t be the typical guy that circles the place in search of girls. Remember that female intuition. They’re always subconsciously studying everything in their environment. So they will notice that you’re not having fun while roaming the club like a predator, which raises all sorts of red flags when you approach her.

Instead, start talking to people as soon as you enter the venue. This will help you be more sociable and conveys that you’re not just there solely to find girls.

This will also get your social energy up. It can be hard to go from being in the office or at home all day, to entering a loud, high-energy environment. So simply start talking to as many people as possible. Guys, girls, young, old, thin, fat, it doesn’t matter. You aren’t trying to pick anyone up yet, you are just getting into a social state.

Just ask people, “How’s your night going?” or “What are you celebrating?” Or, you can ask, “What’s the name of this song?” Or “Is there a DJ playing tonight?” You don’t have to say anything clever, because you are just warming up.

Step 2: Starting The Conversation

One of the most common questions guys have is, “How to open the conversation at a bar?” You probably already know my answer. Almost anything can work with the right mentality and attitude. The best opener in the world will fail with the wrong energy and vibe. Yet a terribly cheesy pick up line about squirrel nuts can break the ice and get the conversation started, if your attitude conveys that you don’t care and you’re just amusing yourself.

Although what you say isn’t too important, first impressions, on the other hand, are important. A few days later, she likely won’t remember the first words you said to her, but she will remember the impression you made. The purpose of the opener is just to open up the conversation. That’s it.

Looking for the right phrase to make her like you is already needy. So stop thinking that way, because you don’t need the perfect line to get her approval. If you can’t start a conversation with a simple, “hello,” then no “magic phrase” will ever be good enough. You need to have the conversational freedom to start the interaction in any way you wish.

Don’t forget about intent and emotional contagion. Whatever you are thinking and feeling when you approach, she’ll feel it. If you are trying to get a specific reaction, or are only trying to get laid with anyone that’ll have you, or just trying not to get rejected, then she will sense it. There will be a subtle indicator in your body language, like leaning in too much or your voice tonality increasing in pitch. Remember, you can’t fake being a selector. Women are too clever for that.

If you approach her and tell her she’s cute because that’s what you really think, then she will feel that. If you approach with a tease because you are just having a good time and you aren’t seeking a reaction, then she will feel that too. The point is that it doesn’t matter what you say. It only matters what your intentions are.

Just as I would at an social event, I usually just walk up and introduce myself with, “Hi...I’m Matt...who are you?” It’s straightforward and conveys that I don’t need some line or excuse to come talk to her. It shows my intent, without going overboard and showing too much interest.

Appearance-based compliments just don’t have as strong of an effect at night as they do during the day. She likely spent a lot of time and effort getting ready to go out, plus a thousand men have probably already told her how great she looks. And if not, she can see all the guys standing around staring at her.

That’s why I recommend implying your compliment through a funny, self-amusing opener. After all, fun is exactly what she’s looking for at night. That being said, don’t be the entertainer. Use funny, witty, cocky, teasing or even cheesy pickup lines to amuse yourself, not her.

My favorites are:

“I have a rule that I have to say ‘hi’ to the cutest girls in the entire bar (long pause) so can you help me say hi to those girls over there?”

“You are the second sexiest person here.” She replies, “who’s the first?” “Me of course!”

“Are you girls shy?” “Because you haven’t hit on me yet. You must be shy.”

“You and I are like the hottest people in here, so I figured we should at least meet,”

You can start super fun and high energy, or be more low key depending on her energy, the energy of the venue, and the energy of her group. Whatever feels right at the moment. The key is that you must be having fun yourself or the girls you are talking to will get bored. Actually, scratch that, if you aren’t having fun then you will get bored, which is even worse.

Remember, fun is the secret to a great delivery. Whatever you’re saying must feel fun as it’s coming out of your mouth. If you seem nervous, timid, insecure and you don’t own it, then she’ll feel that energy. She will only feel attraction if you are feeling confident, secure, fun and not caring about the outcome. And like I said, one of the fastest ways to get into that confident state is to warm up first by meeting people as soon as you walk into the venue.

Keep The Conversation Going

The main question guys have after breaking the ice is, “What do I say after the opener?” The question they should be asking isn’t what to say, but what to do. Having a nice conversation with her won’t get you nearly as far as creating an emotional experience will.

But unlike during the day, there's no ABC method to approaching, escalating and bringing a girl home from a bar or club. By that, I mean there's no three-minute beginning, middle and end type model because you don’t know how long the interaction will last, what the group dynamics are with her friends, or what kind of emotional state she'll be in. Maybe one drink in and she wants to dance, then another round drops her into an emotional state where she’s upset about some past regret… so you must stay flexible.

Plus, every bar has a different energy. Some lounges are super low key and a daytime style approach can work well. Other places are so high energy and loud that having any type of normal conversation is out of the question.

In short, meeting girls at night is less predictable than meeting girls on the street or in the mall, so you have to stay on your toes and be willing to go with the flow. That being said, figuring out what to do is actually simple.

If you approach her with your calm daytime demeanor, looking deep into her eyes and pausing to create tension, she will turn away before you even finish your sentence, because it's too serious and she’s there to have fun. So “fun” is going to be a very important element at night.

Step 1: Fun

Do you remember all the fun options we talk about earlier such as flirting, playing games, role-playing and teasing? If not go back to the section on “Fun & Flirting” and re-read it.

If you are just starting out and are new at this, prepare one fun thing ahead of time that you can do after your opener. One of the easiest things is just play a game. After you open you can say, “Do you like to have fun?” She will likely say “yes.” Then just suggest a game. If she says “no,” then she’s probably joking and you can go into a divorce role play or disqualify yourself by saying, “This will never work out between us. I only like fun girls. But I’ll give you a chance to redeem yourself. Let’s play a game.”

In this type of setting, your vibe is going to be far more important than what you actually say. Therefore, I recommend you go to venues that are fun for you. This seems obvious, but most guys only go to places where the hot girls go, despite the fact that they don't even like the place, which puts them off their game the whole night. So go to places where you enjoy the music, the environment and the people because you'll have a better time there, which leads to a better vibe when the girls sense that you are enjoying yourself.

Your first and foremost focus when you go out should always be to have a good time. If you follow that guiding principle, you can’t go wrong no matter what the night throws at you.

Step 2: Escalate

Next, you need to remember to escalate the sexual tension. This includes verbal escalation, like talking about intimate subjects, as well as physically escalating, like touching her hands or lower back, so she gets comfortable with your touch.

Here are some points I “touched” on earlier that are particularly important in the night scene:

1. Make sure to touch as soon as you can to establish that you are a touchy guy who is not afraid to physically engage women.

2. Don’t let it linger. Don’t just leave your arm around her or your hand on her leg. Tease a little and then take it away, leaving her wanting more.

3. Start small and work your way up. Just like how an escalator starts at the bottom and brings you to the top, start with small, low compliance touching, such as a handshake, squeezing her arm or touching her ring. Then move your way up to higher compliance touching, like holding hands, as she gets more comfortable.

With all the common-sense caveats of don’t be a sleaze, don’t be afraid to touch women. Humans crave physical affection, but it has to be in context. It has to make sense. Don’t just touch out of nowhere. Make sure it is in context of what is going on in the interaction.

Moving Her Or The Group

Forgetting to move is the biggest escalation mistake I see guys make. A lot of guys get comfortable in the conversation and they focus purely on the verbal communication, and soon enough the girl gets bored.

Even if the conversation is going great, eventually the girl or her friends will get bored staying in the same spot. It's your job as a man to lead the interaction and keep moving. This is Building Rapport 101: the more experiences together the more rapport is built. So the more you move, the more memories and experiences she has with you, the safer she’ll feel and the more likely she’ll go home with you.

Also keep in mind that when you first approach a group of girls, you are a stranger. You are the new guy. But as soon as you say, “Hey, come meet my friends,” or “Let's go over there where it's quieter,” and they come with you, the whole dynamic shifts. You are no longer just the random guy who came over to hit on them. You’re now together as part of a new group.

This doesn't mean she is guaranteed to stay with you the entire night, but you've started building some stronger rapport and compliance. The more compliance you build throughout the night the more likely she will agree to even more, such as going home with you at the end of the night.

Generally, start with small moves first, like going to the bar to get a drink, dancing on the dance floor, or taking her to meet your friends. Then work your way up to bigger moves, such as going to another bar. Note that people who enter a venue together tend to leave together. Of course, if you are at the hottest nightclub in the city this will be more difficult. The point is, make sure to move her, or her entire group, as soon as possible, and keep moving throughout the night.

The two most important things to keep in mind when meeting girls at bars and clubs: always have fun and keep escalating things further. Have fun and escalate. Simple.

Showing Interest at Night

Even at a bar, it’s important to show interest so she knows that you are interested in her. The problem is that most guys play it too cool and show no interest, or they show way too much interest too soon, which makes them seem desperate. Don’t be that guy that’s totally into her just because of her looks. She won’t feel flattered and desired, but rather annoyed. Like I’ve said before, women crave a range of emotions, so show interest and then playfully take it away.

For example, if you are an older guy flirting with a younger girl, you could say, “You are cute but I don’t know if it would work between us since you are only 21.” Make sure to say this with a cheeky grin. Or, if you want to really amp things up you could say something like, “You should run away right now because I would just ruin you for all other guys.”

The point is to keep it fun and flirty by keeping her on her toes. She should never be 100% sure that you want her. And truthfully, you should not be 100% sure that you want her yet either, because you don’t know much about her yet.

Being the Selector at Night

You should still qualify girls at bars and clubs, just like during the day, because you need to see if they meet your standards. But since nighttime venues are all about having fun, we need to make it a fun challenge.

In my early days, I tried to qualify just like the day and ask, “Tell me what you are passionate about.” Instead of building a connection, the women usually frowned and shook their heads, saying, “I don’t want to talk about that kind of stuff right now.” It was too serious a topic for that environment.

I learned my lesson so now I keep the energy playful and fun. A minute or two into the interaction I might say, “I kind of like bad girls, so tell me something dangerous you've done,” or “If you and I went on a date where would you take me?” or “You aren’t the typical crazy L.A. party girl that does coke every time she goes to the bathroom are you?” if we are in L.A. of course. Her answers to these types of questions will give me an indicator if I want to take things further and can create some fun flirty back and forth.

If you want to make it even more lively you could say, “Make it or break it question: favorite 80’s pop group?” And if she gives an answer you don’t care for, you could say, “Aww you are losing me, okay I’ll give you one more chance…” then ask her some random off the wall question like, “Skittles or M&M’s?” or “Who was your favorite Smurf, and don’t say Smurfette just because she’s a girl!”

Obviously, with these kinds of questions the answers don’t matter as much, but they are playful, they keep you in control and show her that you are not easy like every other guy there.

Plus, it keeps the conversation going and leads to some great banter and flirting.

Building Rapport at Night

You confidently approach her and her friends. You had some great banter back and forth by teasing her and playing games. You escalated by touching her and moving her away from her friends to come dance with you. You even qualified her and got to know her by asking a few fun and interesting questions, but what’s next?

The best way to navigate the night scene is to keep having fun, building rapport and escalating until the sexual tension reaches a crescendo and it’s quite clear to both of you it’s time to leave. This can go on throughout the night in a cycle: Fun -> Escalate -> Rapport -> Repeat.

In general, you want more fun in the beginning and more escalation and deep rapport later on. That doesn’t mean you need to get super serious, but just spend more time on fun in the beginning and then on, emotionally charged questions as the night progresses. The idea is that the fun emotional state will hook her in, rapport and connection will make her feel safe and want to know more about you, and the simmering sexual tension will drive her wild.

Eventually you will either escalate by kissing her and going home together, or by getting her contact details so you can meet her again later.

Closing Logistics

If you want to take her home then it’s important, at some point early on, to find out her logistical situation. For example, if she’s the designated driver for her group, then there’s little chance she’ll come home with you. It would be better to get her number and set up a date for later.

The following are five important logistical questions to figure out the dynamics of her and her group:

1. “Who are you here with?” The more people she’s with the more people to judge her. If she’s there with just one friend she’s a better candidate for going home later.

2. “How do you all know each other?” If she’s there with her best friend then she’ll likely feel more comfortable with kissing in front of her, verses family members or work colleagues.

3. “What are your plans for later?” If her group is leaving to another club soon or she is calling it an early night, then she probably won’t go home with you.

4. “How did you get here?” If her and her friends all drove together or she is the designated driver, then she may not be willing to leave her friends. But if she drove separately and met her friends at the bar, then she may be more willing to leave with you because she could sneak away without them knowing.

5. “Any plans tomorrow?” If she needs to wake up early then she’s not as likely to stay out all night, although, there are exceptions. In fact, there are exceptions for all of these so use your best judgement.

Whether you decide to take her home that night or not, I recommend getting her contact details sooner, rather than later. Bars and clubs can be chaotic and it sucks to spend an hour with someone you really like just to lose all hope of seeing her again when her friends dragged her out of the venue before you got her contact info.

You might even have a girl that has agreed to go home with you, and as you are about to enter a taxi, her friend comes and grabs her away. If you don’t have her number or social media handle, then all is lost. Well that’s not entirely true, because it’s always good practice.

Follow Up - Calling and Texting

So, you got her number either during the day, at night, or at a social event, now it’s time to re-establish communication and go for a date. I’m not going to go into depth on messaging here, because I have an entire eCourse on the subject called, Turn Her On Through Text, which is packed full of hundreds of proven examples for sparking attraction and getting a date fast through text or social media messaging.

You can get access to it at www.TurnHerOnThroughText.com

I will say this though: make sure to send her a message within twenty-four hours of meeting her. If you wait too long the attraction and memory of you will fade. In fact, the shorter and less memorable the initial interaction was, the sooner you should contact her. If I met her during the day, which is usually a two to three minute interaction, I usually message her two to four hours later. If it’s at a bar, then usually the next day between 12pm and 6pm. Any earlier might seem like she was the first thing on my mind when I woke up. Any later and she might be busy eating and getting ready to go out again.

The first message you send should contain callback humor or something that relates to the initial interaction. For example, if I met her at night and we had a fun marriage role-play, then I might message her: “Hey wifey, I hope you are ready for our Fiji honeymoon, but don’t pack 37 pairs of shoes this time.” If we met during the day and she seemed shy, I might send: “So random meeting you earlier...it was cute how you were nervous when I said hi. -Matt”

The first message is meant to re-establish that emotional communication. You’ll have plenty of opportunities later to get a date.

That being said, sometimes messaging back and forth includes sparking more emotion so she’s compelled to see you again. If she is having fun messaging you back and forth then she’ll assume hanging out with you in person will be fun. But if you already had a great initial interaction then you won’t need to do anything more than set up the logistics of when and where to meet.

You can also call her. Yep, even in today’s day and age it’s okay to call her, as long as you are sure she likes you. If you decide to call her, I recommend planting the seed of the call first with a message like, “Gotta get back to work. I’ll call you tonight,” so she knows that it’s coming. For younger girls, a call out of the blue from a guy she just met can come off as needy, since younger generations rarely use their phones for calling. For older women it can be fine. By the way, a lot of younger girls prefer social media, instead of SMS texting, because they can see your entire life, which helps them see if you are a safe option or not.

First Dates

Dates are like a slowed down, low energy version of interacting with girls at bars, which means all the same rules apply. That’s why meeting girls at bars can be great practice for dates. You still need to have fun, because no one wants to go on a boring date, but you can relax a lot more and focus your attention on getting to know her to see if she has long term potential.

Asking Her Out

When asking a girl out, never ask, “What do you want to do?” or “Where do you want to go?” This puts her in the masculine decision-making role, thus putting you in the feminine role. Women want a man that can take control of the situation, especially when it comes to deciding where to go on a date. So be decisive and direct by telling her where and what time to meet you.

Feel free to give her a few options because she might be busy on the day you suggest. You can say, “Hey, I’m free Tuesday and Thursday night...what works best for you?” Or “What’s your schedule like this week?” And then give her a day and time based on her availability.

For example, “Let’s meet Friday at 8pm near the fountain in Jones Park. I know a great bar nearby. Will be fun.”

Where To Go

The goal of the date should be to have fun and get to know each other. As always, never think that you need to impress her or do things to attract her. Instead, have the attitude that you will get to know her to see if she meets your standards and have a fun time doing so. Therefore, it’s best to pick date venues that facilitate your mission of having fun and getting to know each other.

Let's take the two most common date ideas: dinner and movies. Sure, you can get to know her on a fancy dinner date, however, it's just not all that fun. Going to the movies, on the other hand, might seem fun, but it's too difficult to talk and get to know each other. So, save dinner and movies for a later date, not your first date.

I recommend picking venues that have fun things to do, because that takes away some of the pressure of you facilitating the fun and talking the entire time. Like I said before, bar arcades are my favorite because you can play games, have a drink and get to know each other. Or just find a bar that has billiards, darts, giant Jenga or corn-hole. Other fun options are bowling, ice skating, go-karts and laser tag. You are never too old to have fun, and fun activities release feel-good chemicals in the brain, thus creating a deeper bond, while also releasing some of the conversation burden.

Even if you take her to a bar or lounge that doesn’t have any games, you can still make things fun by playing bar games like Shag, Marry, Kill or the Questions Game.

Keeping Things Fun And Interesting

As we walk to the first venue or order our first drink, I usually start by asking her how her day or week was. Then I go into an interesting, less boring question like, “What was the highlight of your week?”

This doesn’t have to be complicated. We can play some simple games to make things fun while getting to know each other.

The Question Game is a great way to keep the conversation going in a fun way by asking each other questions back and forth in the context of a game. The rules are that the questions have to be good (i.e. no boring questions), you can't ask the same question twice (i.e. no repeat questions) and she has to go first.

I play this game on almost all of my dates because the answers to the questions often lead to interesting stores and conversations. Then, anytime I can't think of something to say next, I can simple say, “Whose turn was it?” And then, boom, we are back in the game. Plus, the game almost always escalates to sexual questions, which of course, gets the two of you talking about intimate topics.

Touching

Just like at bars, break the physical barrier right away because there is nothing more awkward than touching a girl for the first time half way through the date. Always start your date by hugging her and/or kissing her on the cheek. Even if you met on a dating app, never start a date off with a handshake because it sets a formal tone, something you do not want.

Keep finding flirty reasons to touch each other throughout the date. This can include noticing her jewelry, fixing her dress, sitting next to each other so that your legs touch, holding her hand as you lead her across the street, adjusting her shot while playing billiards, tickling her, holding her hand while leading her to a different part of the bar, walking arm in arm down the street, thumb wrestling, body shots, dancing, etc.

Try not to sit across from her on the date because it's a lot easier to touch when you are side by side. If you are at a small table, then try to sit at the corner so that you can easily touch. I like to pick venues that have small couches so we have no choice but to sit very close. Venues with dancing can also be great because dancing can help you escalate physically.

Scope out and pick your venues in advance because your dates will go smoother if you have a plan and know where to go and what to do in each venue.

Moving To Different Venues

I already said this earlier but it’s worth repeating because it is so important. You need to escalate by moving. A lot of guys take girls to just one or two venues on their dates and then wonder why the girl doesn't go home with him or even call him back. It's because she didn't feel any special connection because the entire date took place in only one or two spots.

A woman craves an experience, not just a conversation. Create that experience by doing a lot of different things. Each thing you do or place you visit is a new experience, a new memory, and a new emotion. Instead of doing a typical one venue coffee date; meet at Starbucks for a coffee, then walk through the park, then feed the ducks at the lake, then get ice cream, then go shopping for some ingredients together and go back to your place to cook dinner.

An example of a multi-venue nighttime date is meeting for one drink at a bar, then going to a mini-disco across the street to dance, then playing a game of billiards at a third bar that happens to be closer to your apartment, then grabbing a slice of pizza at the pizza joint next to your place, then inviting her to your condo to see the view of the city and look at your exotic fish tank.

These are just examples. Come up with your own based on the venues near you. And if you want to bring her back to your place then make sure the venues get closer and closer to your home. Being walking distance to good date spots can greatly improves the chances of her coming home with you.

Going For The Kiss

Remember, women love to feel desired and kissing her will really amp up the heat. Guys rarely lose the girl for attempting to make a move on her. On the contrary, they often lose the girl by waiting too long to make a move because she feels like you are too afraid to try.

If she wants to kiss you and you keep chickening out, then she will find someone else who isn’t afraid to make a move. That’s why, if you don’t want to kiss on the first date, make sure she knows that you find her attractive, but you are choosing not to kiss her. Choosing not to do something is a lot sexier than being afraid to do something.

I usually recommend going for the kiss in the middle or towards the end of the date. If you wait until the very end of the date, if she turns away from your kiss then you don’t get a second chance to kiss her again because the date is over. So, better to kiss her before the end of the date because if she moves her head or says, “not yet,” then just keep your cool and try again later.

You don’t need a clever line or kiss tactic to kiss her. Just lean in and kiss her. Make sure to do it at the appropriate time, not when she’s talking about her aunt Sally’s baby shower or how her ex-boyfriend used to cheat on her all the time. But on the same note, don’t wait for the perfect moment because it may never come. You have to create it.

Towards the second half of the date take her to a venue with lower lighting and soft couches. Sit next to her on a couch with your legs touching. Start slowing down your rate of speaking and lower your tone. Begin glancing down at her lips every few seconds. A minute or two of this will almost always create the right mood for a kiss.

If you’re still feeling hesitant, then lead into it with a question like, “Do you consider yourself a spontaneous person?” Assuming she says “yes,” then say, “I shouldn’t do this, but what the hell,” lean in about 90% of the way and give a brief pause. As long as she doesn’t back away then kiss her. Often the girl will close the 10% gap by kissing you.

If for some reason you can’t muster up the courage to do that, then at least ask her this, “Would you like to kiss me?” This can work great during the Questions Game. If she says, “yes” then kiss her. If she says, “not right now,” then change the subject and try to kiss her later. If she says, “no,” say, “Well, I didn’t say you could. It just seemed like you had something on your mind.”

Taking Her Home

If you want to take her back to your place then I recommend planting the seed early in the date by mentioning going to your place to do something later. For example, I might show her some pictures of me when I was in a band and say, “I'll play you a song later on my guitar.” Or, I might tell her about my dog and say, “You'll have to come meet him.” She is unlikely to object because I'm not telling her that we are leaving right now. I'm just planting the seed for later.

And remember, having an innocent reason to go back to your place, such as, getting another drink, cooking her something, checking out the view, charging your phone, or playing her a song on your guitar is much better than the classic, “Let's go back to my place,” with a lustful look in your eye. When you say it like that, it activates her logical mind and forces her to decide, right then and there, if she wants to have sex or not. And her logical mind may give her multiple excuses why going back with you is a bad idea.

She may want to be intimate with you, but society has conditioned her that a “good girl” doesn’t sleep with a man on the first date. And she may be afraid that you will judge her if she sleeps with you quickly. First of all, never judge a woman for having sexual desires. It's normal and natural and if a man can sleep with a woman without judgement, then women should be able to sleep with a man free of judgement as well.

So to help eliminate her “anti-slut defense,” give an innocent reason so she doesn’t feel pressure to “go all the way." This allows her the freedom to come to your place guilt-free and she can decide later how far she wants to go.

To relieve the pressure even more, add a challenge and time constraint, such as, “Let's go watch a movie but you have to promise to behave yourself.” Or, “My house is right here, let's grab a quick drink then we can go to another place I know nearby.” Do you see how these take away the pressure of her deciding if she wants to hook up or not? She’s much more likely to feel that going to your place is a safe decision if you make it no big deal.

If she still says 'no' then do not beg, just agree and set up a second date. Don't be pushy, or it will seem needy and break rapport. When you are grounded nothing should be a big deal and emotionally affect you. Always respect a woman’s wishes and don’t make her feel pressured or guilted into doing something she doesn’t want to do.

A way to really make a woman want you badly, is to tell her that you want her to come home with you, but then telling her, “not tonight.” For example, I might say, “We could go back to my place, but I have a no sex on the first date rule.” Or, if we have a lot of sexual chemistry and tension I might even say, “I would love to take you home tonight and have fun with you all night long and do very naughty things to you, but I think I’m going to make you wait until next time.” I guarantee she'll be fantasizing about you the moment she gets home. This also keeps you in control and shows her that you are a challenge who doesn't just sleep with any woman he meets.

Remember, your dates should be fun and you should be finding out if she's the type of girl you want to continue dating or not. There is no shame in ending a date early because the two of you are not compatible. Dating is all about finding a good match. If she's not a match, then be upfront and do her a favor by not dragging it out. Some women get attached easily so better to end the date early then to satisfy your ego with one more notch on your bedpost. Remember, you are the type of guy that women want to be with so exercise your privilege of being picky. A king is very selective about who he picks to be his queen.

Prepping Your Place

For the first intimate encounter, some women prefer to take a guy back to their place, since she’s most comfortable there. But since you never know how the night is going to turn out, you should always have your home ready. Just a few minutes of advanced preparation before you head out will make sure she feels safe and comfortable when she steps inside.

So make sure the entire place is clean, especially the bathroom where she’ll spend time alone. This also means have plenty of condoms, lube or other… lovemaking supplies near your bed. You should even plant some under your couch so you don’t have to rush off to the bedroom just in case things get hot and heavy in the living room.

Don’t forget new sheets on the bed, an unopened bottle of sparkling water on the nightstand, a couple of candles or colored lighting to set the mood and something fresh for breakfast. If you have a roommate, make sure you coordinate beforehand so you’re not bringing your girl home to the middle of a party or a family gathering.

I even go so far as to set the mood before I leave my house for the date. I get the lighting and music ready so that I don’t have to fumble in the dark or scroll through iTunes when we get back. Everything is set up and ready to go so I can focus on my date, rather than last second chores.

Playing Hard To Get

What if she comes all the way back to your place and then objects to having sex?

This should go without saying, if she doesn't want to do something, don't be forceful! If she pushes you away, don't push back. Say, “We don't have to do anything you aren't comfortable with,” and actually mean it. But also, don't just give up completely if she turns away playfully, because that's just her anti-slut defense kicking in to make you think she's not “too” easy.

Her saying, “we shouldn't do this,” with a seductive grin is very different than, “No, we are NOT doing this!” The first one is a flirtatious suggestion, where the second is an affirmative decision. The irony is that pushing too hard will break rapport, but not going for it at all, when she really wants you to continue, can greatly disappoint her. Make sure to always respect her wishes and stop when she means it.

Now, I know what you are thinking. Women speak covertly and it’s hard to know what she really means. While that is true, it doesn’t mean women never speak overtly, directly saying what they mean. In fact, if she can see that you are just not getting the picture, then she will tell you exactly what she wants or doesn’t want in that situation. A woman resorting to this direct form of communicating usually only happens when the indirect communication didn’t work and the guy didn’t get the hint.

When in doubt, always stick to playing it safe and not pushing things too far. Again, always respect her boundaries and never manipulate, beg or force someone to do anything they don’t want to do.

Handling Objections

What if she objects to other suggestions you make throughout the interaction or on the date?

Handling objections is pretty standard in the dating process. It’s just in a man’s nature to put on the gas and it’s the woman’s nature to step on the brakes. That’s part of the dance of dating. Just remember that the harder you push on the gas the harder she will slam on the breaks. So maintain a balance of also putting on the breaks to stay in control. Remember, it’s not a race to the finish line.

That being said, she still might give you a few “tension tests” to see how you will react. She’s testing to see if you are really as confident and grounded as you seem. If you seem emotionally affected by the tension then it makes her feel unsafe. A man that lets his emotions control him is a dangerous man.

For example, if the guy seems butt-hurt that she won’t give out her number, or complains, “What’s wrong? I thought you liked me!?” after she pulls away from a kiss attempt, she will lose attraction for him. Remember, you are the prize.

Often times a woman will even object to something that she actually wants to do just because she doesn’t want to seem too easy (anti-slut defense). The point is that there are several reasons that a woman will object to something or give a tension test.

Once I was teaching at an event with other dating coaches in Los Angeles and I remember one of the coaches selling, “How to Handle Her Tests,” flashcards with responses to common female tests. On one side it would say things like, “I have a boyfriend,” or “Is that your pickup line?” and on the other side would be a rebuttal like, “So do I,” or “Yes that’s my pickup line, did you like it?”

I found the cards absolutely ridiculous. Imagine sitting in your bedroom memorizing line after line for numerous scenarios. That’s not being the prize. That “coach” didn’t realize was that the words you say don’t matter nearly as much as having a grounded response. Even if you say the line on the card word for word but sound emotionally affected, then even though you said the line right it wouldn’t have the desired effect.

Emotional resilience is the only way to overcome an objection and pass a tension test. By remaining calm and unaffected, also known as being grounded, you can actually boost the attraction when a woman doesn’t respond the way you expect.

One of the easiest ways to do this is by simply ignoring it. Here are a couple of common examples where ignoring the immediate objection can keep the conversation going.

Girl: “I’m not going to give you my number.”

You: “By the way, you said you went to NC State, right?” (Change the subject then try again)

Girl turns away from kiss attempt

You: “Let’s go over there and play billiards.”

Obviously, if she’s repeating her objection, then it’s time to address the issue. There are a lot of ways to do this in an attractive manner, such as teasing her, misinterpreting her objection or cracking a joke, but one of the easiest ways is to just agree and overcome.

Girl: “I have a boyfriend.”

You: “I had a feeling you did. There would be something wrong with the world if you didn’t. So I’ll put you in my friend-zone and you can introduce me to your cute friends. How do we keep in touch?”

Girl: “I don’t give out my number.”

You: “Good idea. Let’s do FaceBook.”

Girl turns away from kiss attempt

You: “Playing hard to get, I like that. I’ll get you later.”

Girl: “No sex tonight.” (said in a playful tone)

You: “Of course not, that would be just awful to make hot passionate love all night long. We can just cuddle. Are you any good at cuddling?”

Girl: “Buy me a drink”

You: “Sure but you have to do something for me first. How good are you at back rubs?”

Girl: “Is that your pick-up line?”

You: “Yeah, are you starting to fall for me?”

Another fun way to handle an objection or verbal jab is to agree and then blow it out of proportion. Most guys try to prove themselves to try to win her over, which comes off as approval seeking and unattractive. I recommend doing the exact opposite. I call this, Agree and Absurdify. Not sure if that’s actually a word, but what the hell, I just made it one.

Young Girl: “How old are you?”

40yr Old Guy: “I’m 75 but I use a lot of moisturizer.”

Young Girl: “What! No way!”

40yr Old Guy: “Yeah you are too young for me I would just corrupt you and ruin you for all other men. You should run away now.”

Girl: “I’m not sleeping with you.”

You: “Of course not, you can’t take my virginity young lady. I’m saving it.”

Girl: “I bet you say that to every girl”

You: “Of course! You are number 231 tonight.”

Girl: “I have a boyfriend.”

You: “Of course you do, I mean it’s not like we’re going to make out right here in public.”

Make sure to say all of these in a playful tone as to not sound effected.

Chapter Recap

1. Use the "Compliment, Qualify, Close Method” (C.Q.C. Method) when meeting girls during the daytime.

1. Be more casual and less direct at social events. Show your interest through your nonverbal communication.

1. Focus on fun, escalation and building rapport when meeting girls at bars and clubs, as well as, when you are on dates.

Exercises

1. Do three daytime approaches with girls you are attracted to. Try to get to the end of the interaction and go for a phone number or instant date. If she says ‘no,’ it still counts as a successful interaction.

1. Do three nighttime approaches with girls you are attracted to. In each approach, do at least one fun thing, such as a game, tease or role-play, and move her, or her entire group, at least once. Remember to ask her for her contact information.

1. Attend one meetup group or social event, such as Toastmasters, salsa class, improv comedy or a singles group in your city. Introduce yourself to at least three new people at the event.

CHAPTER 11:
Building On What You’ve Learned

“I take rejection as someone blowing a bugle in my ear to wake me up and get going, rather than retreat.”

- Sylvester Stallone

Your Path To Success

You are a badass for making it this far. Most guys are looking for a quick fix to their dating game and don’t have the patience to read this whole book. I know this was a lot of information, and maybe you’re doubting if you can remember it all when the time comes to put words into action and meet real women.

Don’t stress it. You’ll do better than you ever have, but it does take practice. The only way to become good with women is by overcoming your fears and insecurities and developing your intuition, and that intuition must be acquired through practice. With the principles you’ve learned here though, you’ve cut down the learning curve drastically and won’t waste time practicing with canned lines or cheap tricks. A few lines or routines do not create your personality. The best lines in the world won’t matter if they don’t match who you are.

Remember though, practice is not just about getting real world feedback on your social skills. It’s about becoming comfortable in your own skin. It’s about gaining real, lasting confidence, not temporary confidence because a line or routine “worked.” It’s about being comfortable in uncomfortable situations. It’s about developing your wit and your personality. These are skillsets that go beyond dating and will improve every aspect of your professional and personal life.

I’m sure you know that already, but so many men I work with are trapped in the information overload loop. A lot of guys feel like they are progressing just from gaining knowledge, so they keep reading book after book and watch video after video about how to talk to girls, but then rarely go out to practice. That’d like watching tons of fitness videos, but never going to the gym. What’s the point?

Even when these guys eventually motivate themselves to go workout, they’re often confused because of all the different “gurus,” each with their own styles. One fitness guru tells you to do slow reps, another says supersets are the best, while a third is all about combining cardio and lifting. Who do you listen to?

So, instead of absorbing all you can from every source possible, I recommend that you learn a little and then immediately put that into practice. Make a commitment to spend one hour practicing for every hour you spend reading, listening to podcasts or watching videos. Which means if you read this entire book straight through, I’m super proud of you… but you’ve got some serious practicing to do!

Your New Gym Is The Mall

You need to treat meeting women just like a gym membership. The more you put in, the more you will get out. And unlike working out, which can cause injury when overdone, there’s really no downside to putting in more time and effort. So don’t pace yourself. Go out and practice meeting women on the street, the mall, social events and bars whenever you have time.

Wherever you go to “put in your reps,” make a rule for yourself to approach any pretty girl that you see. I’m not saying you have to actively attempt to get everyone’s phone number. Just say “hi” and give a compliment, even if you’re in a rush. Tackle that tension head on so you’re cool and calm when it really counts. Besides, life’s too short not to stop and savor the beauty all around you. Make this a new habit today and you’ll see your life changing right before your eyes.

Unlike exercise where you have to keep doing it to maintain your physique, meeting women should eventually become a part of your life. You’ll get to the point where you don’t need to go to the mall, or whatever venue you prefer, to meet women anymore because you’ll be getting more dates than you can handle. I want you to become a man who just meets women throughout his daily life whenever and wherever they show up.

Reject The Fear Of Rejection

The number one thing that stops guys from practicing is the fear of rejection. Fear of rejections stems from seeking approval from others and the worry that you won’t receive it.

Instead of seeking approval from women, think of approaching and talking to women as a skill just like any other. So don’t worry about failing in the beginning because failure is inevitable. Just like if you were to learn how to play guitar or speak Tagalog, it would sound pretty bad in the beginning because you would make mistakes. As they say, the road to success is paved with failures. So give yourself permission to fail and get rejected. It will happen. So what?

Remember, she isn’t rejecting you as a person, because she doesn’t know you. She only knows a very brief snapshot of what you presented her. All she knows is what you look like, what you said and how you said it. So maybe she’s rejecting the words you said, your appearance or your body language, but that’s just feedback. You need feedback to keep progressing and improving your skill.

Besides gaining feedback and building confidence, the whole point of approaching women is to see if they meet your standards. With this qualification mindset there really is no such thing as rejection. She either meets your standards or she doesn’t. If she isn’t interested in you then she doesn’t meet your standards because your standards ought to be someone who is interested in you. Get it? Be grateful knowing that she didn’t waste your time and that you gained experience and confidence for the next woman you speak to.

By standards, I don’t just mean her personality, but also temporary factors. Life’s too short and full of too many incredible women to not have high standards. If she’s in a relationship, then she doesn’t meet your standards because you want a girl that is single. If she’s busy, then she doesn’t meet your standards in that moment because you are looking for someone who has time to chat right now. If she had a bad day, then she also doesn’t meet your standards at that time because you’re out to find someone in a positive mood.

So instead of making rejection all about you not being good enough, learn from the interaction and move on. Remember: whatever her reason for shooting you down, that only means she either does not meet your standards or there was some other event going on beyond your control. So learn what you can from the interaction and never take anything personally.

I was once teaching a boot camp on Hollywood Boulevard when I spotted the perfect candidate for one of my students. She was an attractive young redhead with a nice body and freckles. She even had this Star Wars phone cover, so my sci-fi loving student already had some common ground. Her body language seemed a bit timid, so it seemed like a compliment was just what she needed to hear. Plus the timing looked great since she was standing alone and had just hung up her phone.

So I nudged my client to approach and off he went.

That’s when she turned around with a face full of pure dread and I wished the mic was a walkie talkie. Like a grounded pro though, my student kept going and said “hi.” I didn’t even need the microphone to hear her shrieking from down the block. As soon as he opened his mouth, she stuck up her hand. “I’m so not into this right now. I just got off the phone with the cops. Some guy just grabbed me and groped me all over!”

My client politely excused himself and came back to where I was standing. He seemed frazzled and wanted to call it a day. I just shook my head. “Why, when we’re on a roll?”

He blinked at me like I was crazy until I explained he just learned the most valuable lesson about rejection: that her reaction had nothing to do with him. After the terrible experience she’d just been through, there was nothing he could have said or done to change her reaction, which is the case the vast majority of the time when a woman reacts negatively to your approach. So is that really rejection?

So remember, there’s a high probability that a woman giving you an unwelcome reaction has nothing to do with you. She may not be available to be approached at that very moment. Maybe she’s in a relationship, maybe she’s busy, or maybe she just had a bad day. That’s life; it has nothing to do with you so don’t dwell on it or take it personally.

Stop Making Excuses And Get Out Of Your Comfort Zone

After the fear of rejection, the next most common obstacle to changing our lives are the excuses we tell ourselves. Maybe you’re not afraid or nervous any longer, but the mind is obsessed with security and piles on all sorts of excuses to keep you in your comfort zone.

Yes, there will be times when you want to meet someone, but you feel tired, don’t know what to say or think the situation is too awkward. Maybe the music is too loud. Or you can’t tell if that guy hovering around her is a boyfriend or just a creepy stranger. Perhaps you’re unsure if that scowl on her face is her natural resting pose or if she’s genuinely pissed off about something. Wait, did you zip up your pants after using the restroom? Feels a little drafty. She’s looking right at you, so it’s too late to reach down without drawing attention...

But these are all petty excuses that a grounded man can brush aside. This is about more than just meeting women; you’re conquering fear and taking control over your life. Every time you approach a woman in such an awkward situation, you are building courage and saying “fuck you” to fear. Every time you approach you are conditioning yourself to take action. Every time you approach you are building momentum that will propel you forward to a life of success.

You must have the mindset that every approach is a victory, because you made a choice to do it. Even a rejection is a success. No matter how bad you think an interaction with a stranger went, there is always something positive gained.

It’s kind of like going to a casino and playing a slot machine that doesn’t cost any money. You’ll never lose anything but you always have something to gain.

One of my favorite quotes from Michael Jordan is, “I've missed more than 9000 shots in my career. I've lost almost 300 games. 26 times, I've been trusted to take the game winning shot and missed. I've failed over and over and over again in my life. And that is why I succeed.”

You cannot succeed without some unwanted interactions. It’s all part of the process. The guys who have the most success with women are the ones that have gotten “rejected” the most. And trust me, I’ve been rejected a lot.

If you’re still hesitating, then start with small steps to peek your head out of your comfort zone. If you keep making baby steps, before you know it you’ll be so excited exploring this new world of unbounded confidence that you’ll never limit yourself again.

For example, if you are comfortable asking a woman for directions but have extreme anxiety about flirting, then keep asking where the post office or nearest adult toy store is a few times to warm up. Then on your third or fourth approach, after you ask for directions take it a bit further and add, “Actually, I’m not even looking for that...I just saw you and wanted to come tell you that you are really cute. Have an awesome day.” Even if your nerves give out and you immediately walk away, the next time will be so much easier.

Do this as often as necessary until you feel comfortable delivering a compliment and not running. Then take it further and introduce yourself. Keep trying with different women until you can say it with calm confidence. Then, 10 or 20 approaches later, take it further and ask a qualifying question. Keep repeating this incremental process until you get through the entire interaction without even thinking about it. Soon you will start getting phone numbers and dates.

This is exactly what we teach in our live workshops and The Attractive Man mentoring programs. We don’t dump the whole process on you and wish you luck. You learn a little then put it into practice. Then after feedback, you study and role play a little more before putting the new lessons into practice. It’s a simplified process of breaking things down step by step and mastering one component before moving on to the next.

The idea is to break things down into small steps that generate some victory over fear. Even if the smallest step you make is just walking towards her and that’s it, at least you are starting somewhere. The point is, you have to get off your ass and start.

Shortcuts To Building Confidence And Conquering Social Fear

Just like pumping iron to build your muscles, there’s no substitute for building confidence around women like going out and talking to them. I recommend “working out” at malls, busy shopping centers, the beach, college campuses, bars and clubs and anywhere where you can find beautiful women in your town. in the daytime in regular places, with a set schedule. Just like a gym membership. Just like a gym membership, you need to know when and where you will practice. I want you to create a specific schedule and stick to it.

Your goal, in the beginning, is just to say hello and meet new people. If she responds positively, great. If not, smile and move on.

I also want you to join one meet-up group, class or organization that you can attend each week. Try out a new hobby or at least a group activity for something you’re already into. Hop on meetup.com and see what kind of groups and events are in your area. This has the added bonus of meeting women with similar interests.

Of all the activities you could try, there are four in particular that will have a huge impact on not just your confidence, but your general skill and attractiveness with women:

Dance Class

Yes, the ability to swing your partner around the dance floor with style and confidence is a huge turn on for women, but that’s just the beginning. Since you’ll get the chance to lead women in an intimate but non-romantic situation, you’ll grow much more comfortable getting close to a stranger and feel more at ease when touching them. Plus, dance classes usually have far more women than men in them, so you can usually meet several women each session.

Public Speaking Class

Since talking to women is a form of public speaking, with an audience of one, you will learn many communication skills that will help you when talking to women at a Toastmasters or public speaking meetup. This might seem like overkill, but this is a great way to practice both your verbal and non-verbal skills, while getting detailed feedback.

Acting Class

If being expressive and conveying emotion is a struggle, then try an acting class. This is a great way to get out of your comfort zone and try new things. I spent three months taking acting courses in Los Angeles. And while Hollywood has yet to appreciate my talents, the course was invaluable in expanding my emotional boundaries and tapping into feels quickly.

I also got to role-play and perform with some talented actresses whom I became friends with. Life’s full of fun and unexpected opportunities, once you put yourself out there.

Improv Class

Finally, an improvisational comedy class is incredibly useful for honing your creativity, wit and thinking fast on your feet. Not only is it a lot of fun and you’ll meet other fun people, but you’ll also learn how to become more grounded in the present moment.

If you’ve ever drawn a blank on what to say when you’re on the spot, then improv is the solution. If you only have time to attend one of my four recommended courses, then improv would yield the best bang for your buck. This is one place where you can study public speaking, plump your emotional depths, build confidence and practice staying grounded no matter what’s thrown your way.

Paying The Price For Success

Take a second right now and ask yourself, “What price am I willing to pay to get the results I want?” I don’t mean just money, but how much time, sacrifice, sweat, and pain are you willing to invest in seeing your dreams come true?

There's a price you pay for being rich. There’s a price to pay to have your own business that runs on autopilot. And there's a price you pay for being amazing with women. People often want the result but aren’t willing to give it 100%. They want the confidence but aren’t willing to do the work. They want the amazing girlfriend but aren’t willing to face the rejections.

When I played in a band I made a lot of sacrifices that most folks would consider unnecessary. I had to constantly practice, both on my own and with my bandmates. Naturally, I missed out on a lot of fun and fulfilling experiences. Instead of starting a solid career out of college, I took a flexible job that allowed me to take off all the time I needed to practice. I even once missed out on a family trip to Germany because of band practice. But I kept my eye on the prize and the rewards I gained outweighed the pain.

But that was only the beginning. When I dreamed bigger and decided to become a world-renowned dating coach, the same principle of sacrifice served me well. Despite what you might think, mastering this new world wasn’t all fun and games. Like any other job, I had to put in a ton of hard hours, go out when I didn’t feel like it, and intentionally kept putting myself in ever more awkward situations way outside of my comfort zone. And guess what? I still do, but now I love the struggle because it made me who I am today.

Trust me when I say this, the pain and struggle you will face while perfecting the skill of meeting women is nothing compared to the rewards you’ll reap when you have this skill. And it’s a skillset that will bleed over into every other aspect of your life as you grow more confident, charismatic, likeable and more comfortable in your own skin.

Final Words

If you’d like to speed up the process and minimize the pain and effort, then make sure to visit www.TheAttractiveMan.com. We offer a variety of coaching options, including live 1-on-1 training and group training courses all over the world. Go there to schedule a call and we’ll help you put together an action plan to achieve your dating goals in record time.

No matter what you do, just get the help and training you need because confidence and groundedness are crucial skills that will ensure your life is firing on all cylinders. I can’t even count how many former students called me up to brag about how their careers have taken off after attending one of our live trainings.

Our culture makes it really hard to understand masculine and feminine dynamics, so I hope this book has helped shed some light on the subject. I know with some practice and dedication you will find the woman of your dreams. When you adopt the principles in this book, your skill with women will increase in leaps and bounds beyond what you even thought was possible. It’s only a matter of practice until you see the results you want.

As you continue your journey of dating success and personal development, remember to strive for mutually beneficial relationships and interactions that benefit the women you are with, just as much as you. Always leave her better than you found her.

Never try to take or get anything from women. Never objectify women. Respect her wishes and remember to stop when she wants you to stop. Never try to manipulate, trick or guilt a woman into doing something. If you try to give women wonderful experiences and memories, then you will receive the same in return.

Moving forward, always remember these key points:

●Men communicate overtly. Women communicate covertly.

●A woman's number one concern in life is the safety of her and her children.

●It's okay to feel emotions, but don't respond from a place of emotion.

●What you say isn't as important as how you say it.

●A woman can feel your intention.

●Live life in the present moment. Be grounded and fully in control of your actions.

●The most powerful aphrodisiac for a woman is to feel desired by a confident man.

●You are the prize and a woman would be lucky to have a man like you in her life.

●Ask emotionally charged questions by asking about her motivation and how it makes her feel.

●Don’t ask too many questions in a row. Add in a small comment to give an insight into your experiences.

●Talk about what you want, without being mean or offensive.

●Be 70% interested, and 30% interesting.

●Fun is a powerful social lubricant allowing you to escalate quickly.

●A woman needs more than just a conversation. She needs an experience.

You've come a long way in your journey of understanding the Secret Language of Attraction. Your journey, however, is just beginning. Always keep working to improve yourself because you deserve all that life has to offer you. Your dream girl is out there, you just need to go find her.

I hope you enjoyed reading this book as much as I enjoyed writing it. It is extremely gratifying when someone spends their time reading one of my books or watching one of my online programs.

I recommend reading this book several times to completely internalize the concepts. That being said, knowledge without application is useless. The next step is to practice. You must put the concepts into practice and when you do, I know you will get great results.

I recommend having a wingman with you who can give you feedback on your approaches. Just like learning any new skill on your own, it's easy to form bad habits and be unaware of your own mistakes. Having an outside perspective will help you progress better and faster.

If you'd like us to help you and be your wingman, we are glad to do so. We offer several options to speed up the process, give you an extra push, and get you the best results in the quickest time possible:

Private and Group Coaching: Live 3-day, 7-day and full immersion training worldwide, as well as private coaching in your city. Apply for training at www.TheAttractiveMan.com

YouTube: Subscribe and watch my dating tips and infield approach videos uploaded weekly at www.YouTube.com/TheAttractiveMan

Instagram: Follow me on Instagram @MattArtisan

Writing this book was a consuming passion of mine and the result of ten years of “research.” Your feedback would mean a lot to me and I would be grateful if you would review it on Amazon or anywhere else online.

Please share this book with your best guy friends, your wingmen, your brother, your friend’s recently divorced dad or on men’s forums. If you enjoyed the book and got something out of it, then I’m sure others will too. I’m on a mission to help one million men become more confident, improve their dating lives, overcome their fears and insecurities, and understand the secret language of attraction. If you want to share this book and help me on my mission, that would be amazing!

In closing, always remember to face your fears, love and respect women, live with passion and be grateful for all that you have.

To your success with dating and all areas of life.

￼

Matt Artisan, Owner & CEO of The Attractive Man LLC

Follow me on Instagram @MattArtisan and feel free to write me and ask me any questions you have about women and dating.

P.S. If you ever see me at the club or on the street please say “hi” and wing with me :)

BONUS:
Language of Attraction Cheat Sheet

This section is a conversation cheat sheet meant to be your go to guide to:

●Know what to say and do it certain situations…

●Keep the conversation going…

●Increase her attraction for you …

●Escalate things to the next level…

●Turn the conversation intimate.

To get maximum results make sure to remember the following rules when you are using the cheat sheet:

Change It Up

If you keep doing the same thing over and over again it will lose effect. For example, if you tease her three times in a row she might think you are being mean. If you are constantly playing games and doing role plays, then she may view you as a clown and won’t not feel attraction towards you. So make sure to mix things up.

Confident Body Language

Body language is either going to make or break your conversations. Make sure to stand tall with open, relaxed, confident body language. If you are slouching or have closed-off body language, then what you say is unlikely to work.

Calm Voice

Make sure to speak slowly, articulating what you are saying with long pauses and a deep tonality. Speaking fast will make you appear nervous, while pausing makes you appear more confident, draws her in and makes her more interested.

Deep Eye Contact

If you constantly look down, you will appear scared and a woman cannot be attracted to a man who is afraid of her. Keep at least 80 - 90% eye contact throughout the interaction. It’s okay to look away sometimes as to not appear overly interested or invested. However, I recommend 100% eye contact during a direct opener.

Stay Grounded

These techniques will not have a powerful effect if you are nervous and over-analyzing what to say. Instead, you must be calm and grounded. Some refer to this as being in a mindful or present state where you are not thinking about the past or future, but fully in tune with the present moment. Mindful practitioners suggest taking deep breaths, focusing your awareness on your body and paying full attention to your environment to get into the present state. Meditation can also help you become more grounded in your everyday life; as well as exercise, sports and anything that involves physical activity.

Escalate Physically, Logistically and Sexually

The words you say have a lot less influence on her attraction towards you verses what you do. A woman needs an experience to feel attracted, not just a conversation. To create a romantic and sensually charged experience make sure to escalate physically (touching), logistically (moving from place to place), and sexually (putting her into a sexual mood). More information on this later.

It’s usually best to go direct, stating your interest right away, during the day because women are in a hurry and don’t have time for long-winded conversation starters. Women generally don’t get as many compliments during the daytime compared to night, so they will greatly appreciate a sincere compliment from a confident and grounded man because it shows that you believe she should like you (confidence) and that you don’t need to beat around the bush or hide your intentions (masculine).

Top 5 Daytime Openers

1. “Hey really quick, this is totally random, but I just saw you over here and I thought you were absolutely stunning. I had to come over and risk embarrassment and at least say hi.”

Say this slowly with a deep low tonality. Replace the world “stunning” with a compliment of your choice.

2. “Do you know where Starbucks is? [she answers] Actually I’m not even looking for Starbucks, I just thought you were absolutely adorable and wanted to meet you.”

Great to use if you are experiencing anxiety because you can trick your mind by thinking, “I’m just going to ask her for directions.”

3. “Can you help me with something? [she answers] Okay let’s say you are this (describe yourself) tall rocker guy with blue eyes and you are talking to a (describe her) cute green-eyed blonde girl about 5’6,” what would you say to her if you wanted to flirt with her?”

If she says, “I don’t know,” you can say, “But you’re a girl you’re supposed to be good at this whole flirting thing.” Credit to Robbie Kramer for this opener.

Remember not to rush the opener. Speaking slowly, pausing for effect creates a lot of suspense, anticipation, confusion and sexual tension.

4. “Hi, I don’t believe we’ve met yet. I’m Matt.”

This works really well at a social event like a meetup group, class, seminar, etc. It presupposes that you know other people there.

5. “I was just walking out of the store and you stopped me dead in my tracks. So I figured I’d say hi.”

This is considered an implied compliment. It will still flatter her and make her day even though you didn’t actually give her a compliment.

Top 10 Night Game Openers

Girls go to bars to have fun so make sure you open with a fun and positive vibe.

1. “Hi I’m Matt, I just think fun people should know each other. You are fun right?”

Every woman wants to think of herself as fun so it is a subtle challenge. You can replace the word “fun” with “cool,” “friendly,” “awesome,” etc.

2. “Have you noticed that you and I are like the hottest people in this entire place? It’s true, so I figured we should meet.”

Creates an Us vs. Them vibe that you and her are the hottest people there. Also conveys your interest while being slightly cocky/cheeky.

3. “Are you shy? Because I’ve been here for a while and you haven’t talked to me yet, or flirted with me, or bought me a drink...you must be shy.”

This is a great Role-Reversal and is slightly cocky/cheeky.

4. “Listen girls, I have this rule that I have to say ‘hi’ to the cutest girls in the entire bar (long pause) so will you help me go say ‘hi’ to those girls over there?”

This is a great Bait & Switch opener that works well on extremely attractive girls in a high energy bar or club.

5. “Sorry I’m late girls, traffic was horrible. Did you order me a drink yet?”

If they are sitting, then sit down next to them and say this. It usually gets a laugh. Can follow up with, “Actually I just thought you girls were cute. So anyways, what kind of trouble are you ladies getting into tonight?”

6. You: “I just wanted to tell you that you are the second sexiest person here.”

Her: “Thanks! Who’s the first?”

You: “Me of course!”

Creates great banter back and forth. The only problem is that if she doesn’t ask “who’s the first?” then it loses the humor aspect.

7. “Hi, I’m Matt. I don’t believe we’ve met yet.”

Probably my favorite opener at night because it conveys confidence by showing that you don’t need a witty line or excuse to go talk to her. It also shows your interest without giving a compliment.

8. “You’re kinda cute. What’s your name?”

It’s direct but the word “kinda” makes it slightly challenging.

9. “I was going to wear that same outfit tonight”

Make sure she’s wearing something girly like a dress or skirt.

10. “Did you just undress me with your eyes? Oh my God you are so bad. You can’t just visually molest me like that like that without at least saying ‘hi’”

Great Role-Reversal that will make her want to banter back and role-play along.

Keeping The Conversation Going

Qualification Questions

There are many ways to keep the conversation going. During the daytime I recommend asking a qualification question soon in the interaction because you don’t want to waste your time if she doesn’t meet your standards. Plus, you’ve already shown your interest so now it’s time to make her work for your attraction. This keeps a good balance of showing interest and being a challenge. It also shows that you are not needy and have standards for people in your life.

Examples:

“Tell me something interesting about yourself, besides your looks.”

“I’m really picky about who I hang out with so tell me something cool about you”

“I like women who love to travel, so tell me your favorite place to go.”

“I’m really into fitness, do you work out?”

“I don’t know if we can hang out yet. Tell me something about you. What are you passionate about?”

Getting To Know Each Other

Instead of asking typical interview-style questions, ask interesting questions like:

“If you could have any superpower, what would it be?”

“If we could wake up together anywhere in the world, where would it be?”

“Would you rather have a man that is a great lover or a man who has a lot of money?

“When you were a little girl what did you want to be when you grow up?”

“If you could meet anyone dead or alive who would it be?”

Cold Reading

Cold reading is making a perceptive statement about another person. This can be more interesting than asking questions because people love to know how others perceive them. The only thing people like more than talking about themselves is hearing about themselves. Even if you are wrong it still makes for interesting conversation because she will wonder how you came up with your perception.

Examples:

“I can tell you are a deep person. I bet you have some pretty big ambitions”

“You are totally a West Coast girl. You have it written all over you.” This is more interesting than just asking, “where are you from?”

“You have this really artistic vibe. I bet you are an artist. Come on show me some of your work.”

Emotionally Charged Follow Up Questions

Most guys ask logical follow up questions like, “how long have you done that?” or “where do you do that?” Instead, ask emotionally charged follow up questions that get her to talk about her motivations and emotions.

Examples:

“That’s so interesting. How did you get into hip hop dancing?”

“I bet you feel really alive and free when you are dancing on stage?”

“What is it about dancing that you love so much?”

Follow Up Statements

To avoid asking too many questions in a row, make statements. They can be about your own experience, a friend’s experience, or even having no experience. Then, after the statement, you can turn it back to her with a follow up question. I recommend having a flow of Question, Comment, Question Comment, instead of what most guys do: Question, Question, Question, Question.

Examples:

Own Experience: “I used to do break dancing for 5 years and I felt so proud of myself after each performance. Is it like that for you?”

Friend’s Experience: “My best friend is a dancer and she really loves it. What do you love the most about dancing?”

No Experience: “I’ve never tried it but it seems so fun. Do you do it because it’s fun or for the challenge?”

36 Questions That Lead to Love

A study, conducted by psychologist Arthur Aron, explored how intimacy between two strangers can be accelerated when they ask each other personal questions. The 36 questions in the study are broken up into three categories, each becoming more personal than the previous.

The idea is that mutual vulnerability creates a feeling of deep connection. To quote the study’s author, “One key pattern associated with the development of a close relationship among peers is sustained, escalating, reciprocal, personal self-disclosure.”

Here are the questions:

Set 1.

1. “Given the choice of anyone in the world, whom would you want as a dinner guest?”

2. “Would you like to be famous? In what way?”

3. “Before making a telephone call, do you ever rehearse what you are going to say? Why?“

4. “What would constitute a “perfect” day for you?“

5. “When did you last sing to yourself? To someone else?“

6. “If you were able to live to the age of 90 and retain either the mind or body of a 30-year-old for the last 60 years of your life, which would you want?“

7. “Do you have a secret hunch about how you will die?“

8. “Name three things you and your partner appear to have in common.“

9. “For what in your life do you feel most grateful?“

10. “If you could change anything about the way you were raised, what would it be?“

11. Take four minutes and tell your partner your life story in as much detail as possible.

12. “If you could wake up tomorrow having gained any one quality or ability, what would it be?“

Set 2.

13. “If a crystal ball could tell you the truth about yourself, your life, the future or anything else, what would you want to know?“

14. “Is there something that you’ve dreamed of doing for a long time? Why haven’t you done it?“

15. “What is the greatest accomplishment of your life?“

16. “What do you value most in a friendship?“

17. “What is your most treasured memory?“

18. “What is your most terrible memory?“

23. “How close and warm is your family? Do you feel your childhood was happier than most other people’s?“

24. “How do you feel about your relationship with your mother?“

Set 3.

25. Make three true “we” statements each. For instance, “We are both in this room feeling ... “

26. Complete this sentence: “I wish I had someone with whom I could share ... “

27. If you were going to become a close friend with your partner, please share what would be important for him or her to know.

28. Tell your partner what you like about them; be very honest this time, saying things that you might not say to someone you’ve just met.

29. Share with your partner an embarrassing moment in your life.

30. “When did you last cry in front of another person? By yourself?“

31. Tell your partner something that you like about them already.

32. “What, if anything, is too serious to be joked about?“

33. “If you were to die this evening with no opportunity to communicate with anyone, what would you most regret not having told someone? Why haven’t you told them yet?“

34. “Your house, containing everything you own, catches fire. After saving your loved ones and pets, you have time to safely make a final dash to save any one item. What would it be? Why?“

35. “Of all the people in your family, whose death would you find most disturbing? Why?“

36. Share a personal problem and ask your partner’s advice on how he or she might handle it. Also, ask them to reflect back to how they feel about the problem they have chosen.

Fun Conversation

I recommend going into fun conversation very quickly if you are at a bar or club because the number one reason women go out at night is to have a good time. If you start asking too many typical questions like, “where are you from?” “what do you do?” and “do you come here often?” then she will likely lose interested because she isn’t having fun.

Games

The following are some great games you can play at a bar, club or on a date to keep things fun and playful, increase the flirty vibe, and help escalate physically.

Shag, Marry, Kill

Fun game to increase intimacy.

“I’m going to pick 3 people in this place. One of them you have to shag, one you have to marry, and one you have to kill.”

Staring Contest

Great way to go for a kiss or get a free drink. Tell her she’s allowed to blink but she can’t move her head, laugh or smile. As you stare at each other, begin to move your head closer and closer to her’s until you are either kissing or she turns away and loses the game.

Thumb War

Fast game that allows for some light touching. Can bring back fun childhood memories.

5 Questions Game

Great game to play at a bar. You can tell her that if she loses she has to buy you a drink, cook you dinner or buy you a drink.

You: “Have you ever played 5 Questions?

Her: “No.”

You: “Okay I’m going to ask you 5 questions in a row and all you have to do is get all of them wrong.”

Her: “Okay sounds easy.”

You: “It is. Here we go. Question number one, what is my name?”

Her: “Oprah.”

You: “Haha okay, what planet are we on?”

Her: “Jupiter.”

You: “Who was the first president of the US?”

Her: “Trump.”

You: “Haha, hmmm…wait…how many questions was that so far?”

Her: “Nice try, it was 10.”

You: “Oh wow! Dammit! Have you played this before?!?” (act like you lost)

Her: “No!”

You: “Got you on the 5th question!”

Often times girls lose on the 4th question, “how many questions was that so far?” and say 3. But if she says any other number than 3, your 5th question will usually stump her because she will assuming the game is already over when you say, “Oh wow! Damn! Have you played this before!?!?”

3, 2, 1, Game

“I’m going to count down from 3 to 1 and when I get to 1 you either have to kiss me on the lips or slap me on the face ready here we go 3 2 1…”

The countdown should be really fast. This is a good game for going for a kiss. Make sure to lean in and go for the kiss as soon as you start counting down. It’s not bad if she slaps you because it’s an emotionally charged event for a woman to slap a man. And remember, women need an experience, not just a conversation.

Two Truths And A Lie

Take turns revealing three things about your life. Two should be true and one should be a lie. The other person has to guess the lie.

Never Have I Ever

This is a great group drinking game. Each person says something they have never done and anyone in the group who has done it has to take a drink. Usually gets very sexual fast.

For example, if she says, “never have I ever had a threesome.” Anyone in the group who has had a threesome would drink. I don’t like this game because I end up having to drink a lot =P.

Truth of Dare

Classics never die. This is a great group game in which you will usually get dared to kiss, or do other physical activities, with the girl(s) you like. This game typically gets sexual fast. Ask a participant, “truth or dare?” If she says “truth,” then ask a question and she has to tell the truth. If she says “dare,” then dare her to do something like stripping an article of clothing, kissing the person next to her or flashing the group. Then it’s her turn to pick someone and ask, “truth or dare?”

Top 12 Flirty, Banter and Teasing Lines

Get in the habit of flirting to show your interest in a fun way; banter to keep things playful and upbeat; and tease to maintain being a challenge in a way that is fun for her. Some of these examples use a technique called, “push-pull,” which allows you to show interest and then slightly take it away.

1. “Hmm you are starting to win me over…too bad you are X.”

X = such a dork, too tall, too short, a model, blonde, etc.

Maintains you being a challenge. For height I recommend saying the opposite of what she is. Say “tall” if she is really short or “short” if she is really tall. Do not tease a girl about her weight, even if she is skinny.

2. “I’m starting to like you, but don’t get any ideas I’m not going to X”

X = start making out with you, go home with you that easily, make you my girlfriend yet, etc.

3. “Were you just staring at my crotch?” OR “Wow, stop staring at my package I have a brain too you know!”

Great Role-Reversal.

4. “Don't fall in love with me.”

You can say this after you kiss her.

5. “You are going to have the best time of your life...because I'm going to be there.”

Great to say after you’ve invited her somewhere with you.

6. “Bad girl...go to my room.”

Shows your intent in a funny way.

7. “I don't hit girls, but I will tickle you until you pee your pants.”

Great comeback after she teases you.

8. “Do you treat all guys like this or just guys you’re really attracted too?”

Great comeback after she teases you.

9. “I'm not just some trophy boyfriend you can use to show off to your friends.”

Great role-reversal that you can use during a marriage role play.

10. “High five. Foot five. Mouth five. Crotch five.”

Funny quote from the show “How I Met Your Mother.” Could lead to a kiss. Or more.

11. “You are cute, I'm taking you home with me.”

Say this after she does something you like. Hug her while you say it.

12. “I get that a lot, but girls that say that usually have sex with me shortly after, so I never learn my lesson.”

Say this after she calls you an asshole, jerk, cocky, a player, etc.

Remember to say all of these with a sly smile so she knows you are being playful and not 100% serious.

Ridiculous Responses To Common Questions

We all get asked common questions like, “What’s your name?” “Where are you from?” and “What do you do?” Instead of answering her questions with boring one-word answers like, “Delaware” or “I’m an accountant,” mix in some humor to surprise her and make her laugh. This will set you apart from all the other guys who answer her questions with logical answers that bore her to tears.

What Is Your Name?

“Matt, but my stage name is Hercules.” [she responds] “Yeah I dance at the Peppermint Hippo, I think I’ve seen you there!”

“Tom...Tom Cruise.” [she responds] “Okay that was a test to make sure you are smart.”

“Michael. Michael Oxbig. But people call me Mike. Mike Oxbig (pronounce it “my cock’s big”).

Where Are You from?

“I’m from your imagination, I’m not even real.” [she responds] “I can do anything I want to you right now and it wouldn’t matter because it’s just your imagination. You have a pretty naughty imagination.”

“Well I shouldn’t tell you, But I’m from the future!” [she responds] “Yeah in the future there is a horrible robo-apocalypse and our unborn child is the only hope for humanity.” [she responds] “Come we have to make our son so he can save the world!”

“I’m from Nigeria. You look like you might be from Nigeria as well?” Say this if you are a white guy talking to a white girl. Change it to a different country depending on your race.

What Do You Do?

“I’m an ass model.” [she responds] “Yeah check it out, but no touching.”

“I’m the janitor at an adult movie theater.” [she responds] “Yeah it’s a dirty job but someone has to do it.”

“I work at McDonald’s. I don’t mean to brag or anything, but was employ of the month last month and I’m pretty sure they are going to move me up to drive thru attendant.” Say it with a prideful attitude. Works great if you are dressed well.

*Make sure not to overdue the jokes because she probably does want to get to know you. Mix in humor with genuine answers.

Topics That Turn Her On

It’s important to turn the conversation sexual in a smooth, non-creepy way, to escalate the interaction to a more intimate level, as well as, show her that you are a sexual man who is comfortable with his sexuality.

Find Out What Turns Her On

“What turns you on? Like do you prefer a guy to be gentle and soft with you or do you like it when a man just takes what he wants and throws you down on the bed and has his way with you?”

Tell Her To Describe Her Hottest Sexual Experience

When she describes it to you she can’t help but feel turned on as she relives some of those emotions.

Desire And Craving What We Want

“What makes you say, ‘fuck it, I want this now’?” (do a subtle self-point). “Is it ice-cream, shopping, a hot guy?” (self-point) “I don’t know about you, but when I crave something I have to have it.” (Credit: Vince Kelvin)

Role Playing

“You are awesome! We are so getting married. But we can only have sex 8 times a day, I mean I’m not just a piece of meat you know. But I can be your trophy husband I suppose.” Then have her describe the honey moon and passionate night consummating the marriage.

“Let me see your muscles. Wow! You are strong, I’m making you my bodyguard. Your job is to not let any of the crazy girls here into my personal bubble. If you let them in, then you are fired.”

“I’m getting bored here, let’s go rob a bank. We can be Oceans 2. Are you going to be the shooter or the driver?”

Her Sensuality And Views Of Sex

“How well in tune with your sexuality would you say you are? Because so many women are so out of tune with their own sexuality it’s really sad. They let society, family or their friends decide for them instead of listening to your own body and what you really desire and deserve. Me (self-point) I think for a woman to more fully blossom into her true sexual fulfillment, she must first set aside the judgements society makes on powerful independent women like yourself, and become the ruler of her own sexuality.” (Credit: Vince Kelvin)

If bringing up sexual topics or talking about intimate subjects feels shameful then I recommend hiring a therapist to help you overcome your sexual shame or attend one of our 7-day workshops where we dive deep into releasing sexual shame. Visit www.TheAttractiveMan.com to see our workshop schedule.

You Are The Man!

Now Get Out There and Meet Some Gorgeous Women!

Foreword: Your Life Transformed

Contents

Introduction: May Your Dating Life Be Forever Changed

1. How I Got Here
2. Subconscious Attraction
3. What’s In Store For You?

4. Phase I: Preparation - Understanding the language of attraction.

5. Phase II: Approach – Breaking the ice and making a lasting impression.

6. Phase III: Closing the deal – Advanced techniques for every situation

PHASE I: PREPARATION – MASTERING THE LANGUAGE OF ATTRACTION

CHAPTER 1: Understanding Her Primary Motivator

1. What Do Women Want?

2. SAFETY AND SECURITY – THE GREATEST INFLUENCER OF WOMEN

3. Female Intuition - A Woman’s Sixth Sense

4. The Biggest Attraction Trigger

CHAPTER 2: Speaking A Woman’s Secret Language

1. Make Her Hear What Isn’t Said

2. The Grammar Rules of Speaking Womanese

3. 1) Context over Content – She feels what you are not saying

4. 2) Female Intuition - Women notice everything.

5. 3) Emotional Contagion – What you feel, she will feel as well.

6. 4) Talk is cheap.

CHAPTER 3: The Key to Attracting Women

1. Tension Is A Grounded Man’s Secret Weapon
2. Grounding Yourself
3. The Nice Guy VS. The Bad Boy
4. Passing Her Subconscious Tension Tests
5. How To Instantly Ground Yourself
6. #1 - Embrace The Feelings, Good And Bad
7. #2 - Deep Breathing
8. #3 - Scan the Vicinity
9. How To Stay Grounded Over Time

10. Seek Out Safe But Tense Situations Every Day

11. Take a cold shower
12. Serenity
13. Chapter Recap
14. Exercises

CHAPTER 4: Being a High Status Man

1. Nine Steps To Master High Status Body Language

2. Step 1: The Rule of Investment
3. Step 2: Be More Comfortable Than Her
4. Step 4: Open Up
5. Step 5: Take Up Space
6. Step 6: Your Feet Tell All
7. Step 7: Piercing Eye Contact
8. Step 8: Slow Down Your Movements
9. Step 9: The Perfect Smile
10. Nuts and Bolts of Talking to Women
11. Volume – Turn up the confidence dial.
12. Speed – Slow is smooth.

13. Tone - Don’t be afraid of your “power voice”

14. Your Psychology Determines Your Physiology

15. Style – WE ALL Judge A Book By Its Cover

16. Vibe – the essentials of Speaking Womanese

17. Purpose
18. Passion
19. Presence
20. Positive
21. Peaceful
22. Chapter Recap
23. Exercises

PHASE II: APPROACH –– BREAKING THE ICE AND MAKING A LASTING IMPRESSION

CHAPTER 4: She Wants to Feel Your Desire

1. Every Woman’s Secret Aphrodisiac
2. Desire
3. Emotional Contagion
4. Giving a compliment
5. Sample Compliments:

6. Why Compliments and Showing Desire Backfires For Nice Guys

7. Chapter Recap

8. Exercises

CHAPTER 6: Selecting And Qualifying Her

1. Stop Trying To ATTRACT women

2. The Selector’s Mindset and High Status Lifestyle

3. Plenty of Sand at the Beach
4. You Are The Prize
5. Being A Selector Is A Lifestyle

6. If You’re Faking It, Then She Is The True Selector

7. PRINCIPLES of a Selector
8. The Principle Of Workmanship
9. The Principle Of Preselection
10. The Principle of Appreciation
11. The Principle Of Caring

12. Qualification – Showing You’re the Selector

13. Determine Your Standards In Advance
14. Qualification Question Examples
15. Reciprocity
16. Know Your Setting
17. Chapter Recap
18. Exercises

CHAPTER 7: How to Create A Deep Connection With A Woman

1. THE foundation of creating deep connections

2. Instant Rapport
3. The Dreaded Awkward Silence
4. Your Vibe - The Chameleon Effect
5. Shared Experiences
6. Emotional Experiences
7. Conversational Rapport
8. The 70/30 Rule
9. Emotional Questions
10. Talking About Yourself
11. Cold Reading
12. Being Vulnerable
13. Storytelling
14. Bottom Line: You Have To Affect Her
15. Deep VS Wide Rapport
16. Wide Rapport Conversation Example:
17. Deep Rapport Conversation Example:
18. Breaking Rapport
19. Teasing
20. Cultivating An Interesting Personality
21. Chapter Recap
22. Exercises

PHASE III: CLOSING THE DEAL –– ADVANCED TECHNIQUES FOR EVERY SITUATION

CHAPTER 8: Creating A Fun And Flirty Vibe

1. What’s Your Goal?
2. The Key To Fun
3. Bar Games
4. Role-Playing
5. The Art Of Flirting
6. What is Flirting, Really?
7. Context Frame
8. Teasing
9. Push-Pull
10. Disqualifying
11. Ridiculous Responses to Common Questions
12. No Filter, No Problem
13. The Magic Ingredient
14. CHapter Recap
15. Exercises

CHAPTER 9: Turning The Conversation Intimate

1. Sex Isn’t A Prize, It’s A Mutual Reward
2. Sexual Confidence
3. Planting the seed
4. Sexy Games and Role Plays
5. The Questions Game
6. The Body Test
7. Strawberry Fields
8. Playful Restrictions
9. Chapter Recap

CHAPTER 10:

Sexual Tension and Escalation

1. Sexual Tension Through Body Language
2. The Sexual Tension Handshake
3. Practicing Sexual Tension
4. Keys To Sensual Touching
5. Strong VS Soft Touch

6. Break The Touch Barrier Sooner Rather Than Later

7. Don’t Let It Linger
8. Types Of Touches By Context
9. Make Your Move
10. Handling Objections To Your Advances
11. Chapter Recap
12. EXERCISE

CHAPTER 11: Putting It All Together In Different Situations

1. Meeting Women During The Day: The Compliment, Qualify, Close Method

2. Step 1: Compliment
3. Clear Intent To Enhance Desire
4. Body Language
5. You Must Use Time Constraints
6. Acknowledge Her Reality
7. Step 2: Qualify Her
8. Build Rapport and Appreciate
9. Step 3: Closing The Deal
10. Meeting Girls At Social Events
11. Meeting Girls In The Night Life Scene
12. Starting Off The Night
13. Step 2: Starting The Conversation
14. Keep The Conversation Going
15. Step 2: Escalate
16. Moving Her Or The Group
17. Showing Interest at Night
18. Being the Selector at Night
19. Building Rapport at Night
20. Closing Logistics
21. Follow Up - Calling and Texting
22. First Dates
23. Where To Go
24. Keeping Things Fun And Interesting
25. Touching
26. Moving To Different Venues
27. Going For The Kiss
28. Taking Her Home
29. Prepping Your Place
30. Playing Hard To Get
31. Handling Objections
32. Chapter Recap
33. Exercises

CHAPTER 11: Building On What You’ve Learned

1. Your Path To Success
2. Your New Gym Is The Mall
3. Reject The Fear Of Rejection

4. Stop Making Excuses And Get Out Of Your Comfort Zone

5. Shortcuts To Building Confidence And Conquering Social Fear

6. Dance Class
7. Public Speaking Class
8. Acting Class
9. Improv Class
10. Paying The Price For Success
11. Final Words

BONUS: Language of Attraction Cheat Sheet