Many of our clients consider themselves “nice guys” when they come to us. But “nice guy” is a total misnomer. Goodness, kindness, integrity: yes, women genuinely want all of these qualities, just as men do. But what women don’t want, what turns them off, are people-pleasing, pushovers, and weak guys. “Nice guys” are men who are overly concerned with how people see them, with the approval of others, and with receiving validation.
What a “Nice Guy” Actually Looks Like
Think of a waiter, bending over backwards to get an order just right, the upwards inflection of his soft voice.
Think of the guy who volunteers for everything, who can’t set boundaries, who goes above and beyond to make those around him feel comfortable.
These are the “nice guys.”
They are merely acting nice in order to be liked, approved of, or for the favors to be reciprocated.
That’s not nice. That’s manipulative.
Yes, everyone wants to be nice and liked. But “nice guys” aren’t actually concerned with being nice. Instead, the reason they are being nice is because of their high need to be liked, approved of, and accepted.
They focus all their outward appearance on being accommodating.
This may be due to inner angst, shame, or their having been bullied or taken advantage of in the past.
Ultimately it comes down to lower self-worth that feeds on external validation (such as being liked, being accepted, not being seen as creepy or a jerk).
As a result of his “niceness,” the “nice guy” expects reciprocation. When a woman isn’t “nice” back, because she’s wary of the obvious manipulation, it can enrage these guys.
Sometimes the anger can come out quickly, and sometimes he suppresses, suppresses, and then finally explodes, quickly backpedaling into guilt and shame.
And then, starting the cycle all over again, he once again embodies timidity and accommodation.
Either way, a nice guy’s inability to stay grounded and demonstrate a sense of self worth that is unrattled by rejection, will immediately turn a woman off.
“Nice guys” tend to be indirect with women, because of their fear of offending them with their sexual feelings and honesty.
To be safe, they will compliment her purse or shoes, rather than express their true intentions.
If a guy compliments her clothes, she will take him at his word: Okay, he likes my style. And she’ll move right along. Or, she’ll think he’s just trying to please her, not actually conveying to her what he really thinks.
Directness is attractive because it’s honest. It’s not acted on out of fear.
Many nice guys are angry and don’t even realize it, because it’s become their default mode of reacting to the world.
For instance, a nice guy approaches a woman and she quickly tells him she has a boyfriend. Instead of saying with a genuine smile, “Okay, cool. I just wanted to let you know you’re beautiful,” he gets reactive. “Jeez!” he says, “Can’t you take a compliment?” Or, even if he doesn’t say it out loud, he feels the anger at her.
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What Women Actually Want
I’m not saying you should be the opposite of a “nice guy.” That would be a man who never accommodates, who never takes others’ feelings into account. Never be that guy.
Women want a man with a backbone, who is able to set clear boundaries and who stands up for himself.
Remember, she isn’t only seeking a pair bonding species, but a tournament species, too.
She needs a man who can protect the cave, who isn’t afraid of other men, of her, or of her feelings.
Among our clients, the origin stories of “nice guys” often have a common thread: they were shamed by important women in their families, their sisters, moms, grandmothers, and so on, who equated testosterone with danger.
Often these women were previously hurt or done wrong by men.
They warned him over and over: “Don’t be like those jerks who don’t respect women!”
As a result, these men never learned how to be honest with women about their real feelings.
If this sounds like you then book a call with us(click the banner below) to overcome such damaging teaching.